My 'life' is being consumed by BDD..

LegacyUser

I'm a man, nearing 22 now. Never had a girlfriend or any sexual experiences, never had a proper job, dropped out of my college course after 2 years, and I have no real friends which results in me never going out to socialize. And recently I have begun only stepping out of the house once it's dark, so

So I have wasted what are meant to be the best years of my life and I will continue to waste many more. And it's all down to my severe hatred for my physical appearance. I saw two therapists over the past year, one of whom diagnosed me with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, with the other suspecting the same.

I have also become quite addicted to posting up photos of myself online to be judged by others on my attractiveness. Amazingly the general overall opinion seems to be that I am good looking/attractive. However I kept thinking that this was too good to be true and I began to suspect that maybe this is just due to the fact that I only post up my very best photos, so I ended up falling back into despair again. Is this my BDD talking? I dunno but I do actually acknowledge the fact that I seem to constantly come up with excuses to explain away anything positive that happens to me or that people say about me..

Of course it would be nice if, throughout all my years, what I was seeing in the mirror and in photos was never reality. And that my mind has been distorting how I really look, but I don't even now if that's how BDD works. I still can't even fully accept that I have it. Regardless it doesn't change anything, I am still practically crippled and my life is still passing me by. I guess I just needed to vent here as I'm just feeling at an ultimate low right now.. Thanks for reading..

LegacyUser

I used to suffer from BDD when I was a teenager, it was never diagnosed professionally but I definitely had it.

I would do my make up, look at myself and think how bad I looked and then wash it off and redo it repeatedly until I felt ok about it, if I didn't then I wouldn't leave the house.

I would go to school and some days would ring my mother and say I wasn't walking down the town for the bus after school because I felt so ugly (I didn't tell her I felt ugly, I just refused point blank to walk to the bus)

I thought my nose was unusually unnaturally big, I was just convinced that it was massive when in fact it's small, thought I had a huge head but it's normal size.

I'd get up before school at 4:30 in the morning for a shower so i'd have time to get my hair perfect.

The weird thing was I got a lot of attention from guys, they found me really attractive and to me that made it worse in a way, I felt that if I was having a bad day that it would be even more obvious to them if they saw me on that day and I was really hideous.

I then started wearing a baseball cap everywhere, even sleeping in it....I'd sleep with make up on in case there was ever an emergency in the night and i'd have to go somewhere, I'd wear the cap with a hood over it everywhere and completely hid from people.

I grew out of it when I was around 20ish, I'm 23 now and still have the odd ...em...side effect I suppose you could call it, I find if i'm low about anything at all then it kind of kicks in a bit, not nearly to the extent it was before but it's still in me a bit.

I won't let anyone else take a picture of me and in fact there are no pictures at all anywhere of me from the age of 13-21.

I am considered to be attractive and was considered to be one of the best looking in my school and I knew that they thought that but to me I felt like it was a sham, that they saw an attractive me but really I was hideous. You said you'd love to find out that what you saw in the mirror and photos wasn't reality and it was definitely the case for me, it's a very very strange disorder, it really does distort reality.

In general I am the most unphotogenic person you would ever come across in your life, I actually can look like a monster in pictures, even my OH says so and I avoid photographs in every social situation I am ever in and people obviously wonder why but to me as I said it's like a side effect of my BDD from years ago, I hate the thought of people seeing those ugly pictures of me and thinking that I'm actually ugly in particular now that I feel better about myself.

I have a proper SLR camera now and do let my OH take pictures with it and they turn out like the normal me rather than the unphotogenic mutant I worry about being,

I am very choosy about my facebook pictures aswell but do you know what? so are most people, even the ones without BDD.


It's weird because I do get a lot of attention, I get told i'm attractive all the time but it's hard to take compliments still and now there are some days where I do in fact feel like I look great , it's an amazing feeling after suffering from BDD and I hope that some day you can feel it. I was lucky to grow out of it.

I completely understand what a crippling disorder BDD can be and I really really feel for you. In my case it was coupled with Social anxiety as well, is it possible you suffer from that also?

I'd be happy to help you in any way I could.

LegacyUser

it can change,

Thank you for sharing your experience with BDD. I can relate to pretty much everything you have said. Particularly the habits in preparation for leaving the house. I have various routines I need to go through before I can eventually go out the door. And funny, I happen to be obsessed with my head size/shape too, so much so that I shaved my head recently and have even started only going out of the house while wearing a beanie (cause I think it makes my head look smaller). I also don't like the length of my legs. I feel they are too long in relation to my upper body so I also must wear long baggy jackets/coats before I go out also... whatever the weather..

I could go on and on really. I can find faults with literally every aspect of my body.

And yes, I also suffer from social anxiety. I would guess that is naturally the side effect.

I don't know how you managed to just grow out of it though. I didn't even know thta was possible. I certainly can't see myself growing out of it.

CorkMan

Hello. I can relate to ye. When I was in school I was mocked an awful lot, I was only a bit chubby (looking back) but I was called "Fatso, Mr Blobby, Fatty" etc all the time. I had a very bad speech impediment then so I couldn't respond back. I can remember even one time I went down to Kinsale with the boys scouts. One fella just started calling me "fatty" throughout the trip for no reason, I didn't even know the guy before. I could handle myself with my fists, but that would have gotten me suspended. Even in my Aunts up the country, my Aunt always works out all the time and the whole family is obsessed with fitness. From when I was very young they used to criticize me about my weight, which contributed further to my low self-esteem. I was just a child. One of their daughters is bullimic.

TBH I have been increasing my self-esteem steadily over the last year and a half, and my body image is getting more correct definitely. I am the same as yourself OP, I have had no girlfriend, I don't have many friends. Not that i'd want many, 1 or possibly 2 would be plenty. But I am good looking, I have noticed that since my self esteem has been increasing. Turned 24 a couple of months ago but I know that once I believe in myself I know anything is possible. In my head, I look at myself in the mirror and give myself affirmations and I truly believe "I am worthy" "I am loveable" "I am somebody" "I deserve more"

TBH I don't think these years are the best years of your life, who says that? Don't watch those programmes on TV or music videos. Every year is the best year of your life.