I can't seem to get over him

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm looking for some advice about how to move on. I broke up with my ex almost two years ago after seven years together. I saw him yesterday but he didn't see me. His office is very close to where I live. When I saw him I just fell apart. I thought he looked so handsome, happy and carefree and I felt utterly bereft and so pathetic.

I can't seem to get over him. I haven't contacted him since November as I felt it was for the best. Despite this I think about him constantly. I eeven dream about him. As I'm writing this the knots in my stomach are getting worse.

I ued to be such a confident girl, very assured about how smart and attractive I was. Now I feel utterly hopeless and so alone. I try to fake it as best I can but it is just becoming to difficult.

I don't know how to move past this. I am pathetic. I remember how we seemed to fit. The only way can describe how I felt about him is that he was the most me I ever met, I adored him and still do.

Thans for reading and any advice is grateful

Btw this wasn't a teenage relationship. I'm 33 years old. I met him when I was 24.

lordgoat

It just takes time, and sometimes it'll take too long but you feel what you feel. That doesn't make you pathetic or anything else.

You were right to cut all contact.

I find writing helps, just write and write and write, don't re read it though, just put it down on a page for now...

keep going.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that,

I just feel like I should be a bit better by now and is this it now for me? I'm starting to feel invisible and wonder is there something wrong with me, am I unlovable, unfixable? I thought what we had was strong and unique. The rejection and ability to be so wrong has shaken me to the core and ruined my confidence.

I apologise for the wallowing tone of this post. I think the the most concice way to put how I feel is this- Everything great or good about went to him and everything wrong and weak stayed with me. This is what I'm left with...

poppet84

Hey I was in a very similar situation before. I was a mess after the break up.we were together 5 years and he drops this bomb shell. The feeling of loss was unbearable.I really don't think people who have not been heartbroken understand how horrible it is but I am glad to say I'm a surviver.....I got through it...even though I never thought I would stop feeling this way. What did it for me was that he made this decision....not me...I had no choice in the matter. So when I think of it now, which i rarely do, I think sure that was all his fault,not mine so I don't ever have to regret that we broke up. It was not meant to be. I know when I was really badly heartbroken I hated when people said that to me but its true. I began to enjoy myself being single and the possibility of what could happen on girls nights out and stuff. Low and behold I met a guy and we re together 3 years now and I never look back. The ex actually had a go at me when he saw us together which I felt was beautiful karma after the way I felt after he dumped me. I hope this makes sense to you. You will get over him , I am sure of that. The feeling you get when you are over them is sooo brilliant, especially when you see them and you feel great.this will happen for you. You will meet someone else, you were in this relationshio for a long time so you are good at them!there is not only 1 person you are that compatible with!

What were the reasons for the breakup?I was told he wasn't sure about me...forever like!:rolleyes:
Have yous got mutual friends? I know that can be hard...I have to go to weddings he ll be at but sure ya just gotta hold your head up high, yes you guys have history but that's exactly whit is ..history..you have got to think of yourself and your future now. Hugs!

LegacyUser

Thanks poppet84,

We broke up because in his words the relationship got too stressful and his gut feeling told him this wasn't going to change. I accused him once post break up of never loving me and he told me maybe he didn't love me enough. I really thought we were soulmates and that we would have children together. I don't think I'll ever have that now, 33 and devasted isn't really a great place to be. I do hope it will get better but It's been two years and i'm still in so much pain. I haven't stopped thinking about him since I saw him on Thursday. I really want to ring him but sure what would I say. I've no doubt he is with somebody else he is very handsome and successful. Ultimately I think I struggle with getting past the fact that he actually left me when I felt so much for him I assumed he must have felt the same about me but he didn't and that has torn me apart.

poppet84

He sounds awful! You are better off without him i think!I know its so hard. Time is the thing. There is no way of telling how long it will take, no fixed time frame but you will get over this rejection and you will cone out of it a better person. be honestwith yourself would you really take him back after the way he has treated you. I bet deep down you wouldn't!

lordgoat

How did I become like this? wrote: »

Thanks poppet84,

We broke up because in his words the relationship got too stressful and his gut feeling told him this wasn't going to change. I accused him once post break up of never loving me and he told me maybe he didn't love me enough. I really thought we were soulmates and that we would have children together. I don't think I'll ever have that now, 33 and devasted isn't really a great place to be. I do hope it will get better but It's been two years and i'm still in so much pain. I haven't stopped thinking about him since I saw him on Thursday. I really want to ring him but sure what would I say. I've no doubt he is with somebody else he is very handsome and successful. Ultimately I think I struggle with getting past the fact that he actually left me when I felt so much for him I assumed he must have felt the same about me but he didn't and that has torn me apart.

That is brutal honesty. And it can't be nice to think on. Try not to dwell and just get going again. I find not thinking about being with anyone helps. Try and be ok with being on your own. Once you get set again it does get better but no it's not easy.

There could be some comfort in finding this out now and not in 5 years times if he was feeling that way and had done nothing about it til years down the line when he hates you and you him and there's kids and houses involved...

I am a friend

How did I become like this? wrote: »

I struggle with getting past the fact that he actually left me when I felt so much for him.

Ok - serious TOUGH LOVE needed here....

I have been there and to call a spade a spade - thats the reality when one person breaks up with another. Thats why its called heartbreak. You dont want him to leave, he wants to leave and you get hurt. Its the gamble we all take when we get into relationships and sometimes the gamble pays off but most times it doesnt.

You seem to be wallowing and using this as an excuse to sit back and have a gripe with the world. As you saw, he has moved on and I think you should hope that he is happy - he deserves to be, as do you but to be frank you are WALLOWING.

The self pity is jumping off the screen... Do you want to meet someone else or pine after him and what may have been for the next 60 years????

Do you want your grandniece or grandnephew to ask you when you are 60 why you didnt have kids and for you to turn and say to them 'a guy dumped me when I was in my early 30's and I made myself miserable til it was too late for me to have kids....' Come on..

How happy was the relationship going to be if he wasnt happy??? It could have been disastrous...

How did I become like this? wrote: »

I assumed he must have felt the same about me but he didn't and that has torn me apart.

No he didnt and you need to forget about this bit. Put it out of your mind cos you cant change it. If you do want to meet someone, you need to dust yourself down and pick yourself up.

How did I become like this? wrote: »

I just feel like I should be a bit better by now and is this it now for me?.

Well its seems to be :rolleyes: cos you wont let go. If you put this determination into completing a degree course you would be top of your class. You are determined not to move on cos you are not willing to take a risk by letting go. Keep this up and you will be the last woman standing - alone.

What I did and I was your age at the time and had wasted 3 years by this stage, was to just make a conscious deciusion every day to move on and stop thinking about him.

You can control your thoughts. At the time, I trained myself that everytime I thought of the ex, I would send a good thought to someone else. You can train your brain to learn and also to stop remembering the past in a loop... Its all so unhealthy to be obsessed about anything esp this....

How did I become like this? wrote: »

I'm starting to feel invisible and wonder is there something wrong with me, am I unlovable, unfixable?

Ah FFS, why is your self esteem so tied up in one guy? You sound to me as if you are too lazy to move on and meet someone else or to work on yourself. Is that it??? Were you one of these girls who dumped her life and her friends when a man came along and now you have 'nothing'?

How did I become like this? wrote: »

I thought what we had was strong and unique. .

It wasnt for him. Now get over it.

How did I become like this? wrote: »

The rejection and ability to be so wrong has shaken me to the core and ruined my confidence..

As above- over one other human (meaning he is not a God)???? Did you jump 150% into this relationship? Did you maintain friendships and have you those people to rely on now? Sounds like you totally morphed into one half a couple and thats why you are taking it so bad now. You were so invested into the relationship, you lost who you were....

How did I become like this? wrote: »

I apologise for the wallowing tone of this post. I think the the most concice way to put how I feel is this- Everything great or good about went to him and everything wrong and weak stayed with me. This is what I'm left with... .

Bullsh!t.... As I said above, you are too lazy to move on, its less effort to be miserable and stay in a rut... Live like that if you want. I have since met someone fabulous and we are having our first baby. Do you want that or do you want to live to be 100 still thinking of your ex everyday???

Last words - control your thoughts and set a date by which you will have your fill of this misery e.g. 3 months. So say to yourself that you are going to work on this but by the end of August you are going to be over him and ready to move on...

At the end of the day its your choice to stay alone or move on... good luck.

Maple

I am a friend, there is tough love and then there is just being cruel. I appreciate the sentiment behind your post however the delivery of your advice and the tone in which you have posted is just unnecessarily harsh.

Going forward, rein it in.

Maple

I am a friend

Maple wrote: »

I am a friend, there is tough love and then there is just being cruel. I appreciate the sentiment behind your post however the delivery of your advice and the tone in which you have posted is just unnecessarily harsh.

Going forward, rein it in.

Maple

Sorry all thats truly not the intention. I wasted 3 years of my life living like this and I do, hand on heart, think she needs a wake up call.... I can delete it if the OP finds it offensive but there is no badness intended in it. I just wish someone had told me the same one / two / three years into my self imposed mourning....

LegacyUser

I am a friend,

I hear what you are saying but believe me I haven't made no effort in getting past this. I tried to set a timeframe. I started volunteering, I joined a bookclub and I do try to see friends. I don't have a huge network of friends and they are quite settled. I also try to push him out of my mind but think I should try harder. I like the idea of retraining my mind. I don't agree that being heartbroken will be to blame for never meeting somebody else. I'm not the kind of person who just moves from guy to guy.

Maybe I am better of without him and I will tell myself that more. Remember this wasn't a short relationship it was seven years of my life and we had discussed the future a little. It was long haul. Surely you can appreciate my pain a little? i actuall;y get physically sick sometimes about it. But I need to stop letting my thoughts become so dispairing, stop wallowing and try to forget the damn man!

Forever Hopeful

OP, please don't be so hard on yourself. Everything you are thinking and feeling is perfectly natural. I was in the exact same position as you. With him 6 years, promised a future and pulled the rug out from under me. I haven't seen him in 2 years but I took me a good year of not seeing him/hearing from him to start to realise it was actually over. Everyone was telling me to get over him, to stop wasting time wallowing etc but the fact is, you cannot force yourself to stop caring about someone like that. You had strong feelings for this guy and 7 years is a long time. What amazes me is that some people meet, get married, have a kid and break up in less time than that and seem to get more sympathy!
If it helps at all, what I did was take one day at a time. Focus on something else (if you can) I know its such a cliche but it is so true, time heals. We have all been there. I don't regret the few years of wallowing, I felt it for a reason and it shapes you and makes you better.
I have a friend who never had her heart broken, the relationship and a great life fell into her lap and guess what, she's cheating on him. No one has it all... Focus on what's great about your life right now and I bet you have plenty to be grateful for. You are as worthy as anyone else to be happy. I'm sure you have read lots of other threads here on PI that reminds you that we all have our battles and issues. If this is the only one, then count yourself very lucky. I don't mean that in a belittling way, it just helps put things in perspective.

I am a friend

how did i become like this wrote: »

I also try to push him out of my mind but think I should try harder. I like the idea of retraining my mind.

Honestly, it does work.. It takes time but it takes time to train the brain to do everything e.g. learn a language etc....

how did i become like this wrote: »

I don't agree that being heartbroken will be to blame for never meeting somebody else. I'm not the kind of person who just moves from guy to guy.

Have you seen anyone since him?

It held me back for 3 years as I didnt want to embroil anyone in my own emotional turmoil... I do think it can hold people back from having a fantastic relationship but a mediocre one is certainly possible even if you are still hung up on someone else.

how did i become like this wrote: »

Maybe I am better of without him and I will tell myself that more. Remember this wasn't a short relationship it was seven years of my life and we had discussed the future a little. It was long haul.

I know it was a long haul but its also been off for a long time... You are better off without someone who is not 150% interested in your future...

how did i become like this wrote: »

Surely you can appreciate my pain a little?

Pet, I lived it for 3 years and thats why i am being a cow - I dont want to think of anyone girl spending even one more day pining over someone the way I did... You are wasting the best days of your life.

how did i become like this wrote: »

i actuall;y get physically sick sometimes about it.

This is very worrying. Have you spoken to a doctor. That sounds like severe anxiety

how did i become like this wrote: »

But I need to stop letting my thoughts become so dispairing, stop wallowing and try to forget the damn man!

Amen!!!

Look, at the end of all this, its no skin off my nose if you stay as you are cos I dont know you.... I am (harshly Ill admit) trying to wake you up and take you out of the bubble. You are doing nothing here expect wasting your own time. I know it hurts but imagine how much more it will hurt in 10 years if you havent moved on.

Its very possible even if it doesnt seem it...

apple8791

I read this and my heart really goes out to you. You should be very gentle on yourself, and you really need to know how strong and brave it is not contacting the guy. It is so SO hard what you're going through, especially if the chance of seeing him is high. You're not alone. I know EXACTLY what you mean, about leaving him all the good, and all the bad was left in you. Trust me, that is not true. The great news is, you only have to feel this pain once. You've felt it. Its done. You can move on now. And I mean NOW. Stronger and a master of your mind. Thoughts happen first. They are very fickle. Then emotions, in that sequence. So if you catch yourself feeling lousy, flip the thought -trying to feel better without changing the thought just won't work. Also, would you think lousy thoughts of a best friend going through a similar situation? No way! You are your own best friend in life... the battle for the brain is won, when you embrace this. You are in control. If you need to grieve, then grieve. Allow it. But choose it. And this is where meditation is absolutely invaluable.

There are loads of wonderful ways to help soothe your heart. I highly recommend Deepak Chopra's 'Soul of Healing Affirmations" CD. I cured my heartache, when I was so sick over heartbreak I ended up in hospital for a week because I got so run down. That is where I discovered the power of loving yourself from within. Losing him doesn't matter...IT IS YOU, who will be found. AND CHERISHED! xx Love!!! Life is wonderful once you let it in! xx

LegacyUser

I am a friend,

I havent really been attracted to anybody else and as my self-confidence took a bit of a battering I'm sure I don't really give out a flirty vibe. I saw someone for a little while but I wasn't really into it. I don't think that is fair on the other person and I found myself comparing them. I think that was making me worse.

Apple,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I will definitely try that. I'm quite cynical by nature but I desperately want to break this cycle and move on with my life and most importantly learn to be happy and get rid of this torment.

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted so far. I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

I am a friend

How did I become like this? wrote: »

I am a friend,

I havent really been attracted to anybody else and as my self-confidence took a bit of a battering I'm sure I don't really give out a flirty vibe. I saw someone for a little while but I wasn't really into it. I don't think that is fair on the other person and I found myself comparing them. I think that was making me worse.

Apple,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I will definitely try that. I'm quite cynical by nature but I desperately want to break this cycle and move on with my life and most importantly learn to be happy and get rid of this torment.

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted so far. I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

You can do it if I could. I was engaged to him, wedding booked and we had a house. Its possible if you want it.

Maple

OP, I really feel for you. I know what it's like to have planned your future with someone only for it to blow up in your face, and not because you did anything "wrong" either.

Getting closure by yourself is quite possibly the hardest thing ever. But you owe it to yourself and your future happiness to try.

I think you're getting bogged down in how wonderful this guy was and you're just on a loop going over and over the feelings and hurt.

Have you thought about counselling, CBT could be very benefical? Or any alternative therapies? I love Indian Head Massages myself.

I just feel that what you have been doing for yourself to fix you isn't working and you must be exhausted and worn out with the effort of it. Would you consider going to your doctor? Even having a chat with them? Because your reactions to this guy are still so very extreme and it really "shouldn't" be that way after all this time.

You need to acknowledge your pain & hurt and allow yourself to be sad, but you need to find a way to move past it. You need to find the joy in your life again.

peekyboo

I am a friend wrote: »

Sorry all thats truly not the intention. I wasted 3 years of my life living like this and I do, hand on heart, think she needs a wake up call.... I can delete it if the OP finds it offensive but there is no badness intended in it. I just wish someone had told me the same one / two / three years into my self imposed mourning....

I am a friend, I am actually (sort of) in the same situation as the OP and I think your advice is brilliant, I just took it all on board so thanks

OP, my heart goes completely out to you. It is worse when you see them all happy and carefree but I am a friend gave some great advice about retraining your thoughts and the timeframe of 3.5 months. Hope it all works out for you.

NikNakOoo

OP- I couldn't agree more with I am a friend, yes its harsh words, but wise all the same.

The only thing I will add, which worked for me, is that when you find yourself ruminating on your ex to mentally tell youself to stop, to then smile and pay attention to the world around you. You'll be surprised at how the brain works when you smile and also how the people around you will interact with you.

I wish you the best of luck... because really you are worth so much more than this!

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Thanks for the advice and for making me feel less alone. I did consider CBT but unfortunately I don't have the cash for it at the moment. I am really going to try to change my negative thoughts. My mind sometimes works like there is a movie of all the memories of us together in the background while I am doing my daily tasks at work or home. I know it should have eased by now but it really hasn't very much. I certainly don't want to continue like this.

Anyway thanks again.