Difficilt elderly mother/daughter relationship

flahers

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one on the planet with an elderly parent as awkward, difficult and self centred as mine. She's ninty one, looks seventy eight and is very physically fit. For the past four years since my dad died myself and husband have looked after her in her own home. She was always a very controlling person and spent her life criticising and shouting at me so eventually I could take it no more and I started to stand up to her and this made the situation worse. She has never been interested in my life, I cant have a conversation with her as she reverts back to all her so called problems (of which there are few) she is very financially comfortable but wont go on a holiday, wont mix with anyone and when my dads sister in law last phoned her she said she didnt want to listen to their sad stories anymore (this lady only lost her husband a few months ago), yet when my dad died she was very glad for them to phone. She is dragging me down to the depths of despair with her negativity and self centred ways and everything is about her, it never matters about the other persons problems. I'm at my wits end as I am an only child and dont know what to do. My husband has a stressful job with unsociable hours and she expects him to wait on her too.

Beruthiel

I don't really have any advice for you, but I do know I couldn't do what you're doing right now, especially as she is so ungrateful. I'd go mad.

Did she ask you to move in with her?
Have you asked her if she really wants you there?
Were I in your position, I believe I would tell her how she's making me feel and that she either chill out or I'm off.
She maybe old, but it's clear there's nothing wrong with her brain and she must know how difficult she's being, if she doesn't, she needs it pointed out.
Being old doesn't give you the right to act like a biatch.

Daisy M

Your not the only one with a difficult parent but having a difficult relationship with a parent is something that can be hard to admit to.
From my own experience I would say your mother is not going to change and you have no way of making her. However what you can do is change how you react to her and how her behaviour impacts on your emotions. Try to compartmentalise her ie only allow yourself to think about her when you are in her company/speaking on the phone/carrying out a task for her. If she makes requests that you or your husband are unable to do at that time or not at all just explain why its not possible once and once only, if she questions you again on it tell her youve already given a reason and your not going over old ground. If she is discussing old wounds or moaning in general, dont bother retaliating try changing the subject/making yourself busy and failing that just go, you can do all of that without conflict. When you get home from spending time with her have a rant for a few min and then move on, trust me its doable and makes life more enjoyable. I spent too long trying to point out my mothers unreasonable/irrational behaviour and it made no difference in fact it made things worse, I find the above works fine for me 90% of the time. The only difference with my mother is she is not always this way she has lots of good points too but boy when shes bad she is horrid:). Best of luck