What to do about this scumbag?!?

LegacyUser

I dont know what im looking for here, but I guess I just need a little vent.

Straight to the point, recently found out my GF was raped when she was only 16, by someone who was 21 at the time.

It was the first time shes ever told anyone.

I did'nt really know what to say or do, but i did all i could to try comfort her as best i could. She blames herself & still thinks its her fault for being so stupid

I love this girl to bits & shes the nicest person anyone could ever meet, i dont know how some sick excuse of a human being could do an act so sicking, nevermind to someone like her.

Im just so angered & feel abolutely sick to my stomack. I want to do something about it. She on the other wont, which I understand completely as nothing will prob come of it if she went to the police. Theres no evidence or anything & it was over 2 years ago at this stage.

Thing is now, this guy is constantly trying to contact her. Adding her as friends on facebook etc.. thinking hes some sort of friend. She never wants to hear from him again.

In a few weeks i'll be going home to her hometown for the first time to meet her folks & been show around. This guy lives a few blocks away, so its only a matter of time before contact is made.

I'll probably be face to face with this scumbag in a few weeks & tbh, i feel i wont be able to control myself if i bump into him.

I want to hurt this bastard for causing all the pain to GF that she now has to live with for the rest of her life.

The worst part is, he works with young teens as a living. Which is how my GF got to know him & raped.

I really feel she should be saying something, to atleast protect any other young, vunerable girls from this sicko.

What do I do?

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I'd like to point out to you and re-iterate to anyone answering this thread that the discussion or advocation of violence as a solution is not permitted in this forum.

While I appreciate the degree of emotion involved, if that happens this thread will have to be locked.

LegacyUser

im a guy 29, when i was 9 i was sexually abused by a fella, i only came out wit it recently and its affected me my whole life.

I know how hard it is for ur gf to talk about but she needs an objective impartial mediator, psychologist like wot im doin to sort myself out.

pushing her to reporting him right away wont help, some tried to get me to do it right away and it made things worse.

when she is ready she will report it, but for now she needs it out in open, TRUST ME it HELPS LOADS. i nearly killed myself twice cos i was afraid, lonely, felt like noone would listen and felt dirty and ashamed for what was done to me but it wasnt my fault.

you need to reassure her of this that it wasnt her fault. she blames herself right now, im kinda still there but gettin through it. just be there for her, dont push her, but guide her when she needs the help.

as for yer man, dont get into fight, it will turn out worse for you than him and make any possible case for your gf against him harder. just block him on facebook and such, change phone numbers is a must and add him to spam filter on emails.

Hope shes ok, just be with her and hold her.

Fentdog84

Report it to the Gardai! She will feel stronger doing this with your support and reassurance. Dont worry about how long ago it was, or what evidence you have or what other people will say etc. A wrong as been done onto her and she may never be able to move on with her own life until she does something about it. Just call into the Garda Station with her and report it. And let them take it from there. Dont go near the guy, Im sure the cops will be having a chat with him..

fghijkl

Please don't do anything stupid, if you punch him you're only making it harder on your gf by bringing it all back up again and you'll end up causing her even more pain.

You should maybe encourage her to see a professional to talk about things, but if she say's no don't push her, Just let her know you're there for her and she can talk to you about it.

The worst part is, he works with young teens as a living. Which is how my GF got to know him & raped.

Normally i wouldn't encourage you to push your gf into reporting it, but i dunno i find this very worrying, and i don't know how you'd broach it with her tbh but if you could maybe try and make her see that he's in a position to hurt other women and she could potentially stop it from happening to someone else, then she might rethink reporting it?

tinkerbell

Your poor gf, I'm so sorry to hear what she went through

Your gf should seek some counselling for this. It is good that she opened up to you about it, she must really trust you if you're the first person she has told.

I would encourage her to report it to the gardai. It doesn't matter that it happened back then. Look at all the church abuse cases from back in the 70s, 80s etc - they are only being reported now. The big worry with not reporting that scumbag is that he is working with teens, he's in a position of power and if he's working with young people he could rape one of them too. If your gf reports him, she's protecting possible victims from that monster. It might give her strength and not feel like a victim anymore.

As for that scumbag, stay away from him - let the gardai deal with him. I think that if you report him, get the gardai to do that and get a restraining order against him. That way he'll be breaking the law by coming anywhere near her or trying to contact her. That would be the better option than confronting him and telling him to stay away from her.

But really, your gf needs to report this. That monster is working with young people, he needs to be stopped, and your gf is the only one who can do it. I know it'll be hard for her but she's gotta do it. She'll feel better too for it.

LegacyUser

Hi, op here... thanks for all the replies so far.

Id just like to point out its not as simple as reporting to the gardai as its oversea's.

I dont she'll ever do anything about it, & im fine with her decision. Id never push for her to do something she doesnt want to do. She was brave enough having to come out to me & say it straight out. I just dont know what to do other than assure her its not her fault & that i still love her as much as i always have, if not more for being this open & trusting of me.

I feel this scumbag needs to be dealt with tho, like i said he could have done it too other young girls over the years & could be doing it for many more.

But i cant do anything about this.

& im not resorting to violence, i was just putting out how i feel towards the guy.

I just want justice & id like my GF to try move on.

Shes seen various councilers btw, but did'nt directly say what happened as shes lost alot of her trust & confidence since the incident. It's definately helped as shes obviously moved on by coming over here & starting fresh but I feel it always going to be there in the back of her head for the rest of here life.

I dont even know what im looking for here guys, i just need to talk to someone how i feel about this & i obv cant go to friends or fam about this one.

Thanks for listening atleast

Little Acorn

I agree with Tinkerbell OP.
I'm going to assume it was not statutory rape because of your wording, and that it was infact a violent act. [I don't know if they work the same way in court, someone with more knowledge would be able to tell you.]
Your girlfriend was raped when she was one of those teenagers that he still works with.
There is a chance that there are other past teenagers he worked with that he has done this to aswell, or also a chance that he is is doing this/going to do this again with some of the current teenagers he's working with.
Maybe a psychologist would be able to help your girlfriend with the strength she needs to report this. It could be saving other girls.
If your girlfriend comes forward it might give others from the past, the strength to come forward too, if he has other victims that is.
I don't know much about how you would go about pressing charges, or how these court cases work after a few years has passed, but there have been many cases that were won years after the attack.
Regardless of outcome, if any girl comes forward in the future, the fact that he already has an official history against him accused of rape by your girlfriend, would make any other girl's case much stronger, and him more likely to be locked up.
Of course at the end of the day, it is your girlfriend's personal choice, and she should not be rushed or forced into reporting if she is not emotionally ready for it all yet. Hopefully she will speak to a professional to help her deal with all this.

I would not attack this guy, because if the case ever does go to court, it could somehow be used against you and your girlfriend. A crafty solicitor could say that you are making up the story, as an excuse for you beating the guy up. Maybe far fetched, but you never know, they will say anything to win their case.

Follow the advice of others here regarding the blocking from facebook and emails, and the restraining order sounds like a great idea.
The best help you can be for your girlfriend is to just be there for her to listen and comfort her, and to give gentle advice about speaking to a therapist.
Beating up the guy is not going to do her any favours, and will just land you with a criminal record.

Maple

OP, I'm so sorry that your girlfriend went through such a horrific experience.

I do think it wonderful that she has confided in you, that is a step along the path of her dealing with what has happened.

Unfortunately, and I know how horribly frustrating/enraging this is for you, it is up to your girlfriend to proceed with criminal charges should she see fit. She has to be the one to initiate the process.

I know you would like to fix this situation, I know you would like to be able to make her better and heal her hurts. It's such a horrible feeling to feel so powerless when it comes to someone you love and care for, but all you can do is support her.

It's something that happened your girlfriend, it doesn't define her as a person, encourage her to seek professional help. What you could do as a practical support is to perhaps seek out counsellors who "specialise" in trauma, and give her this information to use. It will have to be her who makes the phonecall but sometimes when we're looking for help it can be a bit overwhelming to trawl through the Yellow Pages. If she has this information to hand readily enough that can really help.

You mind yourself in all of this OP, you could always ring the Dublin Rape Crisis centre hotline to discuss your own feelings, just even to get some practical advice.

LegacyUser

hi mate, i'm goin unreg for this one to answer. The love of my life was sexually abused by 3 different people between the ages of 7 and 15. she's dealing with those issues and so am I. 2 of them were family members and we meet them at least once a week. I don't speak to them and would never ever let them within 100 yards of our kids but....

.........While I find it hard to stomach those (insert string of offensive words) and would love nothing better than (insert violent acts that would get me jailed and banned from boards). I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT and neither can you (and believe me I feel for you)

why? because if my gf wants them punished she is goin to have to go to the police as will your partner. I hope and pray that she will everyday but shes not ready yet and shes now 28, she may never be ready but its her life and her decision to make when she is ready.

All a person can do in this situation is be there for their partner, show them love, give them a shoulder to cry on and show how they should really be treated. If she says it to you encourage her to do the right thing (encourage not nag... sometimes its hard).

Also suggest councilling cause without treatment this kind of thing can really destroy a person.

But whatever you do not message this man yourself, do not show your anger for him to your partner, it will only make her feel bad thinking shes upset you. Make sure you don't pressure her into anything (take it from me, i used to do this without realising). whenever it comes up, be calm, understanding and try and focus on the positives of your partner now and show her how she's moved on. Keep reassuring her, how strong she is.

My heart goes out to you. I know how tough this is but your gf will be fine, with a kind and caring partner like yourself.

thecookingapple

Your Gf trusted you to tell you these terrible things that where done, so in return support her, hold her and comfort her and if one day she wants to do something, she will.

Until then keep your focus on your gf and channel your energies into your relationship.

LegacyUser

Hey, I'm gonna go unreg for this one!

OP, I really feel for you and your girlfriend. I'm in her position. When I was 17, I was raped more than once by a boyfriend who was a few years older than I. Like the case with your gf, it took me 2 years to admit to somebody about what happened.

On a practical level (and I'm sure you have no intentions of doing any of these but I feel I should state them) - Don't pressure her in ANY way to go to the police or even to report this guy to his superiors in work. By coming to you and opening up, she's taken her first step towards healing from this and any pressure at all, no matter how slight, could cause her to bottle up again. Even though there could be other girls at risk from this man, selfish as it sounds, her welfare is number one right now.

I can't tell you the amount of times I regretted not going to the police straight away about what happened to me. I could have protected other innocent kids, but instead I did nothing because I was afraid and when I did eventually go to the police, they wouldn't offer me any protection even when I asked (as I had never lived with the man I wasn't entitled to a protection order apparently) and so I withdrew my complaint. Your girlfriend is probably feeling a lot of conflicting emotions right now and the only thing you can do is be there for her.

One thing I can tell you is that, hard as it is for you, you can't tell her how much you wanna beat up this guy. A guy I dated 2 years ago, shortly after I opened up about what had happened, took every opportunity to try beat this guy up. It added so much extra pressure to me because I wanted to try to forget it and move on with my life, which I think your girlfriend is probably trying to do, too.

I would suggest counselling to her, but be very gentle about it. Ultimately, with rape victims, everything has to be 100% their choice. They lose so much control in being attacked that the majority of them need 100% control in how the situation is handled.

OP, you sound like a really lovely, caring boyfriend and your girlfriend is very lucky to have somebody that she can finally open up to about this. I understand how hard it is for you, too. It's hell knowing that you're not really able to tell your partner that you're hurting over this too, because you have to be there for her and almost push your own feelings aside.

All I can say is, she WILL start getting better in time. Even if she chooses not to go to counselling, she'll be ok. I only did like 3 sessions of counselling because of a very bad experience with my counsellor and I'm healing, so she can too. It takes a lot of love, support and comfort but you will notice changes in her in time. Just be there for her as much as you can. I know it's hell for you too, because I want to kill anyone that hurt my bf in the past, just like he wants to kill my rapist, but you can't let that anger rule you. When you feel it, remind yourself that the most important thing is that your girlfriend feels safe and happy, and focus on creating those two feelings in her, not in venting your anger on him. He's not worth it. Yes, he deserves punishment, but you can't be the one to give it to him.

Your girlfriend opened up because she trusts you and cares about you. No matter how much anger or hurt you feel towards this man, focus on your girlfriend, the girl who cared enough to tell you her biggest secret and who now needs your love and support. She needs that more than the man needs your anger.

Good luck OP x

icagirl

I've been in her shoes. Your compassion and concern are important; caution though, don't bring up the subject to her, and don't obsess about this man. Do listen when she wants to talk, and talk about it with her when she brings it up, but only then.

As for this man working with teenagers? He's a pedophile, even if she were possibly seen as legally "of age," and his employers should be made aware so that they can investigate him, as I'm sure that she isn't the only woman he has done this to. Perhaps an anonymous letter written by her?

I stood up and told about a teacher (man) who molested me when I was 11 years old, my mother was a politician and didn't want it to go to police, but it did go to a hearing in front of the school board. There were other girls who also told on this man, but when it came to the hearing in front of the board, the parents were told they weren't allowed in. All the other girls parents refused to let their daughters go in, except mine. I had to sit in front of the board, in a chair, alone while this man and his lawyer (who had nasty hands with missing fingers) sat and stared at me. I wasn't believed and was branded a liar. I lost ALL of my friends and was made to go to a different school (he was suspended WITH pay and had 3 little girls at home). About 8 years later, I received a phone call from my mum (I had moved away to university). He'd been caught raping a student. It was such a relief to know that this man was finally caught and arrested and is no longer allowed to teach, but it came at a very high price to me. I still struggle.

LegacyUser

I'm not going to pretend I know what you are feeling OP or your gf, but I can only imagine what it must be like. As much as you might feel he deserves a hiding, and there would be a lot of people who would agree with you, you are going to have to somehow stop yourself from doing so. It doesn't matter if he deserves it, you'll most likely get picked up by the cops for giving him a beating and who knows where that may end. Jail?

It seems like your gf hasn't told anyone about this but if you go ahead and attack this guy, it's going to force the truth come out and it's obvious she is not ready for that to happen. So not only will the truth be out, you'll be locked up in jail for giving this guy a beating while he's out freely walking the streets.

There are people much smarter than me who can advise you how to take care of your gf and get her through this. But whatever you do, don't go near this guy and don't lay a hand on him. While he might deserve it, it will only make things worse. Nothing good will come of it. If you happen to bump into him, make your excuses and leave. Don't hang around allow anything to develop.

All the best OP to you and your gf. I agree she should go to the cops and report it, but you can't force her to do so.

Motley Crue

OP, Section 2 of the Criminal Law ( Rape ) Act, 1981 makes this act an offence. For that reason he should be reported and this act should not go unpunished. Many will argue that because the Rape happened some time in the past then the Rapist may deny the entire thing and it will be her word against his and most solid prosecutions are squashed but these things talk and if he done this he needs to be reported.

I knew a girl once who told me she was raped on a first date, she said that although she fancied the guy and found him attractive and had been intimate with him leading up to that point, she made it clear she didn't want penetrative sex - and yet he persisted against her wishes. That is rape. Clear and simple.

She needs to talk to a counsellor as well, or some kind of mediator, it was a good first step telling you but now she needs someone impartial to speak to in confidence (and in private), you may find it hard OP but you also need to allow her to do this as it's because she loves you so much, to share what she did with you, that she might not be able to talk further.

You might broach the situation again with her, ask her about going to speak with someone about it (if she is Religious she might find comfort talking with her Parish Priest, Cleric or Rabbi etc) and really the decision has to be hers. If she doesn't want to talk about it, however, sadly there is little you can do - pushing her into it in any way would ruin your relationship with her.

Sorry, I might be very unpopular for saying this, but can I point something out. This is a serious offence and needs to be followed up with full force of the law, but not one poster here has considered this accusation might be a lie, since we don't know the OP nor his girlfriend and we don't know anything about the girlfriend's mental state.

Now, I'm sure it's not a lie, but on the off chance it is we have a thing in this country called "innocent until proven guilty" or at least the right to a fair trial by a jury of peers...so can we stop with this vigilante justice and remember that the reason we take careful steps in a case like this is because a false accusation can be as damaging as an affirmation of guilt (the girlfriend seems to come from a small town, the kind of place were people talk, this man would have to leave his life, job and everything and he might be innocent. he might be)

A lot of posters here have suffered similar abuse, and to those I commend for being brave enough to talk about it, some speak about where the system failed them and an apology is not good enough for that. But charged emotions aside there is a duty to uphold the law as branding this man guilty if there is even a chance of innocence could destroy more lives.

I'm sorry OP, I feel for your situation, I'm sure you are truthful. I'm sure you at least believe what you're telling us is 100% accurate, but let's just use some common sense and let the courts and the reason we pay our taxes sort this out. If your girlfriend is unwilling to go down this road then sadly there is little you can do accept offer her the support she needs. She will not thank you for beating him up. And, however remote, what if you targeted the wrong guy? What if you targeted a person in that position who matched the description but wasn't.

Think about it, would you give him a moment to talk or say something before you threw the first punch?

prinz

waveywave wrote: »

I dont know what im looking for here, but I guess I just need a little vent. Straight to the point, recently found out my GF was raped when she was only 16, by someone who was 21 at the time. I did'nt really know what to say or do, but i did all i could to try comfort her as best i could. She blames herself & still thinks its her fault for being so stupid .

I too have been in this position. Like you mention above my mind went blank, and I worried for a long time about how/when/where to raise the subject. When I eventually did she didn't even want to discuss it, not because she was ashamed or anything but because she had dealt with it herself and there really is nothing you can say to 'fix things'. Just be there for her. You should really suggest counselling because from the above she seems yet to have come to terms with what actually happened in a healthy way.

waveywave wrote: »

It was the first time shes ever told anyone.

You must be doing something right.

waveywave wrote: »

She on the other wont, which I understand completely as nothing will prob come of it if she went to the police. Theres no evidence or anything & it was over 2 years ago at this stage..

She should contact the gardaí.

waveywave wrote: »

I really feel she should be saying something, to atleast protect any other young, vunerable girls from this sicko. What do I do?

Encourage her to go to the authorities. She owes to herself and any other possible/potential victims.