So Called Mates

amandaf675

Does Anyone Think Im Over Reating By Givin My So Called Best Mate A Lecture?
He Recently Got With This Girl Who Doesny Like Me Because Me And Him Spend At Least 3 Hours A Night Together! And She Told Him Shed Break Up With Him If H Didnt Stop Talkin To Me.

So He Stopped! Ive Known Him Years, Hes Like My Big Brother! Am I Wrong For Giving Out?

Asphyxia

That's just silly any friends who have the cheek of dropping friends like that don't deserve those friends. She mighy have felt threatened because you spend so much time together but that's no excuse to ruin a friendship.

amandaf675

Asphyxia wrote: »

That's just silly any friends who have the cheek of dropping friends like that don't deserve those friends. She mighy have felt threatened because you spend so much time together but that's no excuse to ruin a friendship.

I now have no time for him or her anymore!

bluewolf wrote: »

Do You Really Have To Type Like This

Sorry. Habbit im afraid

Sugarfree

amandaf675 wrote: »

Does Anyone Think Im Over Reating By Givin My So Called Best Mate A Lecture?
He Recently Got With This Girl Who Doesny Like Me Because Me And Him Spend At Least 3 Hours A Night Together! And She Told Him Shed Break Up With Him If H Didnt Stop Talkin To Me.

So He Stopped! Ive Known Him Years, Hes Like My Big Brother! Am I Wrong For Giving Out?

Three Hours A Night Is To Much To Be Spending With Another Persons Boyfriend. I Would Also Be Very Alarmed At That.

baby and crumble

Well, I don't think anyone should give an ultimatum to a partner along the lines of "it's me or them" a la Ross & Rachel & Emily in Friends, but really- 3 hours a night? I'd be ripping if my partner spent THREE HOURS EVERY NIGHT with 1 person that wasn't me, tbh. When on earth does he ever see this girlfriend, if that's the case?

I do think this guy needs to grow a pair, for everyone's sake. Spending that much time with someone who's not his partner is crazy, in my opinion, but also he needs to tell his girlfriend to cop on, that he doesn't have to drop you.

Maybe offer a compromise, like you'll spend 1 night a week together hanging out or something. Probably the GF will calm down then. I don't remotely blame her for being upset that her boyfriend spends all his time with someone else, though.

amandaf675

Sugarfree wrote: »

Three Hours A Night Is To Much To Be Spending With Another Persons Boyfriend. I Would Also Be Very Alarmed At That.

Ive been best mates with him since primary school! Its always been the same :

baby and crumble

That's fair enough. My best friend is a guy I've known since we were 12, too. But once you grow up you start having other people in your life, like partners, who need time too. When my mate and I got together with our girlfriends, we didn't stop being friends. We still talk most days and hang out once a week, but he's not my priority anymore. Nor should he be. He's very high up the list, my for both of us our girlfriends come first, within reason.

amandaf675

zoegh wrote: »

Well, I don't think anyone should give an ultimatum to a partner along the lines of "it's me or them" a la Ross & Rachel & Emily in Friends, but really- 3 hours a night? I'd be ripping if my partner spent THREE HOURS EVERY NIGHT with 1 person that wasn't me, tbh. When on earth does he ever see this girlfriend, if that's the case?

I do think this guy needs to grow a pair, for everyone's sake. Spending that much time with someone who's not his partner is crazy, in my opinion, but also he needs to tell his girlfriend to cop on, that he doesn't have to drop you.

Maybe offer a compromise, like you'll spend 1 night a week together hanging out or something. Probably the GF will calm down then. I don't remotely blame her for being upset that her boyfriend spends all his time with someone else, though.

I know where shes comin from but tbh most of the nights shes with us aswel! I set them up like

She wont even allow him to come see me for an hour anymore

baby and crumble

But can't you see how they'd want time alone, by themselves? Op, can I ask, how old are you guys? Is this a long time thing, or what?

amandaf675

I don't mind if they want alone time, work Away! I just wanna get the chance ta chill out with a few beers with me best mate and just chat!

i'm only a baby! Im 19, Shes 18 i think and hes 20. there together bout 3 months so its defo not long term but from the third week she started telling him he wasn't let come out to me! even when shes in work she makes sure he doesn't come see me. or any of his female friends! and some of his male friends she don't like. Shes too controlling for my liking!

baby and crumble

it does sound like she's a bit controlling, yes. But I have to say that I would definitely not be happy with my partner spending that much time with someone else. I have no problem at all with her spending time with her friends. But if it looks like she prefers someone elses company to mine over a sustained period of time, well... I'd be pissed off, and wondering why I was bothering.

I get that you want to hang out with your friend, but maybe so much reliance on one person isn't healthy- i certainly dont think it is. I think a bit of compromise is all that's needed here, on everyone's part. The gf is going to have to realise you can't control the person you're with, you friend has to realise you have to stand up for yourself sometimes, and you have to realise that you can't keep your life at a standstill, that it moves on and things like spending every evening with your best friend stops being possible after a while...

Kooli

Is it possible that he actually wants to spend more time with his girlfriend but is kind of shifting the blame on to her a bit because he doesn't know how to say that?

I just don't buy that it's 'all her fault'.

MissFlitworth

If he has completely stopped talking to you then, yeah, you'd be right to say something to him. Bare in mind this won't change the situation but it's important to be honest with friends if you're annoyed with them. If you are still spending time together though and you're just p1ssed because it's not 3 hours a night then you are completely over-reacting. No matter how good friends you are with someone you can't sustain spending that amount of time together every single day once you leave school, other friendships & relationships get in the way.

amandaf675

I know what your saying! At this moment id be happy to spend an hour with him! Aint seen him in weeks

amandaf675

Kooli wrote: »

Is it possible that he actually wants to spend more time with his girlfriend but is kind of shifting the blame on to her a bit because he doesn't know how to say that?

I just don't buy that it's 'all her fault'.

Tbh He not the type to lie and he knows i wouldnt care if he wanted ta spend more time with her. i dont like the fact that shes dictating his friendships though because im not the first to say it.

If he has completely stopped talking to you then, yeah, you'd be right to say something to him. Bare in mind this won't change the situation but it's important to be honest with friends if you're annoyed with them. If you are still spending time together though and you're just p1ssed because it's not 3 hours a night then you are completely over-reacting. No matter how good friends you are with someone you can't sustain spending that amount of time together every single day once you leave school, other friendships & relationships get in the way.

I havent seen or spoke to him in at lease 3 weeks because she wont allow it!

Sugarfree

amandaf675 wrote: »

Ive been best mates with him since primary school! Its always been the same :

In The Nicest Possible Way Its Time To Get Your Own Fella.

amandaf675

Sugarfree wrote: »

In The Nicest Possible Way Its Time To Get Your Own Fella.

I wish it twas that easy ::(

Sugarfree

amandaf675 wrote: »

I wish it twas that easy ::(

I see the root of the problem is being shown here. Jealousy on your behalf.

amandaf675

Sugarfree wrote: »

I see the root of the problem is being shown here. Jealousy on your behalf.

Definitely not! Im not the jealous type.

Sugarfree

amandaf675 wrote: »

Definitely not! Im not the jealous type.

Then whats the problem? get your own Girlfriend/boyfriend.

KittyeeTrix

OP, you will find as you get older that mates come and go as you leave college, change jobs, people move away for job purposes, get married and have children etc....

All of the above means that you over the course of your life will make and break friends for many years but there are in many cases a friend whom you will have from childhood or from secondary or from college that will be there with you forever.

Ye may not see each other as much as you'd like cos of general life sometimes getting in the way but will always still be able to pick up when ye do reconnect.

What I'm trying to say is that to be friends ye do not have to live in each others pockets 24/7.....

You cannot change how he acts to be with her. You basically have a few choices...

1. Kick up a stink and push him closer to her
2. Say nothing and enjoy hanging out with him when you can
3. When he finally tires of her controlling ways ye can pick up the friendship again

IrishEyes19

I think its understandable she's be concerned that it was 3 hours a night, but unreasonable for her to demand he stop talking to her. thats utter control and Id end a relationship with any guy if he asked that of me.

Did you mention this to your friend and what did he say. Id return the favour and just ignore him the next time. Its utter rudeness and really shows what a friend he was.

Im actually amazed at posters here telling her to get her own boyfriend, why should we lose our friendships once relationships come along, its so pathetic,

amandaf675

i find it funny how when i was spendin weeks in bray with my ex he used ta go mad and now hes doing the same thing. even when i was up there 90% of the time, I always made sure ta see him at least once a week

i text him earlier and told him what i thought! his gf is now thinking i want to break them up! lovely

dearg lady

I think she's out of line to stop him seeing you completely, but yes, you guys need to cut down on the amount of time spent together. Even aside from his relationship with this new girl, it's an awful lot of time for 2 people to spend together, you both need to make the effort to see other people more often.

Now, as to the specific questioned asked OP, I think you may have gone about it in a bad way, sounds like you went in all guns blazing, giving out about the girlfriend etc. Realistically you should probably apologise for this, it was out of line. But then, make your point in a calm way. Explain you understand he wants to spend time with his girlfriend, but that you've been friends a long time, and you would like to see him regularly, maybe once or twice a week.

Bein totally honest, at 19, I'd have done the exact same thing as you, but now that I've a quite a few more years on me, I know that just doesn't work.

Wompa1

amandaf675 wrote: »

i find it funny how when i was spendin weeks in bray with my ex he used ta go mad and now hes doing the same thing. even when i was up there 90% of the time, I always made sure ta see him at least once a week

i text him earlier and told him what i thought! his gf is now thinking i want to break them up! lovely

Sounds like you do want to break them up..3 hours a night makes you a third wheel. A relationship can't blossom with you there. Give them some space and in a few weeks he'll probably be in a better position to hang out with you.

Having said that, my last ex got up in arms about a friend of mine that was a girl so I stopped contacting her. Now that b*tch cheated on me and left, so I no longer have that friend in my life and just regret. Learned that lesson the hard way!

amandaf675

Ah i understand what yas all are sayin! Dont matter now anyway, she broke up with him last night for asking could he come to my house! Selfish Or what!

Firetrap

For some reason, this story made me think of Princess Di's famous "there were 3 of us in this marriage" quote. Perhaps your friend's now ex girlfriend was a controlling harridan but I also have some sympathy for the girl. It's not unreasonable to suggest that the vast majority of people would flip eventually if their other halves were spending such a lot of time with a friend. It makes me wonder when exactly he got to fit her into his schedule! It also makes me wonder why the two of you aren't going out seeing as you are spending so much time together?

Even though your friend has broken up with his girlfriend, I think you should take a look at things. Your closeness has caused problems on both sides of the fence - you mentioned him getting annoyed when you had a boyfriend. Sooner or later one of you will meet someone else and this problem will crop up again.

Although the matter at hand has been solved, I think you need to address the fact that this guy isn't your "big-brother", he's your surrogate boyfriend.

LegacyUser

You spend 3 hours a night with your friend. This is to much time with one person.
What happens when this person moves on or finds a girlfriend you find out that you have no one. You get upset and say things to your friend which makes both of you unhappy.
I would advise you to get more friends by joining groups or organisations so you won't be so dependent on this one friend.
I learnt this lesson the hard way. I had one very good friend who I was always there for years. Within the space of a few years her job, house and husband came into the picture and I was left out because I was not in a couple. Months after moving into my first home she came to see it, during this time I heard about her new job and go a present worth €20-€30.
I decided then that I would ring/see her when it suits me but I have moved on with other friends.

johnboysligo

amandaf675 wrote: »

Selfish Or what!

She could say the same or worse about you tbh.
You sent your friend a text that as innocent and honest as it might have been might have placed him in a really messed up position where he had to choose a girlfriend or a friend but to be fair his ex should not have put him in that position in the first place.
I want to be clear here, I'm not having a go at you if you felt it was the right thing then who am I to judge.