Did a silly thing and now feel idiotic.

LegacyUser

Hi. Long time poster, but going anon for this one. I'm a 30 year old single guy. Over the weekend, I ended up scoring a friend of mine, whom I've always thought was cool, but figured was attainable. Mostly because for most of our friendship, she was in a relationship. But that ended a few weeks ago. On Saturday night we were all out and she told me she liked me and asked me to kiss her. So I obliged.

The night ended and I left her there and went home. The next day, she got in contact and apologised for taking advantage of the situation. I got back to her telling her not to worry, and that I'm a grown up, I well capable of looking after myself! I also asked her if she felt I took advantage since she was in a vulnerable place. That's the last thing I wanted to do. We talked and she showed a great deal more interest in me. Then she came over to my place. We talked, had a laugh, and she told me she wanted to sleep with me but wasn't ready. I told her it was totally fine and that if anything happened, it would be at her pace and when she's ready. She got rightly screwed around by her ex, and I really didn't want to add to her woes. But she told me that I was such a nice guy that she felt it was safe for her to try and move on with me. She said she knew I'd treat her gently and wouldn't be a dick to her. And despite my better judgement, I found myself liking this girl even more.

And then last night, it all came to a head. She told me she couldn't do anything else with me, couldn't hang out with me. She told me she was sorry for taking advantage of me, and that she was totally screwed up over her ex. And here's where I feel like an idiot. I totally let myself get sucked into the situation, knowing it was a terrible idea. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame the girl for the situation. I feel so bad for her because she got screwed around and really needed somebody to talk to. But in that, I guess I began to think 'well, to hell with him. I can treat her right and show her not all guys are dicks.' And for that, I feel really, really stupid. She's a lovely girl, and I like her a lot. And I know that there's no hope for anything to ever happen while she's still in love with her ex. I'm not stupid about that. But I feel stupid for fooling myself into thinking if I worked at it, maybe it could go somewhere. Am I really such a moron as to have let this happen? Is it a sign of desperation that I was hoping something could come from this? I've completely lost focus on myself and my judgement. I know, don't get involved with someone on the rebound, but that thought drifted away as things unfolded.

By the way, we left it amicably. We hang around in the same circle, so I will see her again. There's no hard feelings between us and we're still cool. Despite all this, I still feel she's more of the victim of the whole mess, and would never treat her harshly because of it.

Thanks for reading. Apologies for the length!

Well there's sorta three different kinds of rebound, either:
A - Someone happens to be out of a relationship, and rebound is just a word with no bearing on their next relationship.

B - Someone hasn't been with anyone since their last relationship, and aren't really in a place to emotionally disconnect from their past relationship. Usually goes ok, with some emotional trouble.

C - Someone isn't good at being alone. Their relationship ends and they immediately feel pressure to get with someone else, both to prove they're doing great to everyone else, and to satisfy themselves that they're worth being with.

Sounds like C to me.

Am I really such a moron as to have let this happen?

You're not a moron. Like you said to her about yourself, she's a grown up, and she's capable of making her own decisions and looking after herself. The reason she asked had she taken advantage is most likely code for "I sort of used you last night, is that ok?" It's totally understandable that she did what she did, and it's understandable that you reciprocated. However, until you can be sure she's not just looking for validation, you should probably stick to the friend zone.

tan11ie

Give it time... she is just out of a relationship and needs a bit of space to sort her head and her feelings out.

She could be distancing herself as she knows she is not in the right frame of mind and doesn't want to mess you about.If that is the case then it just shows that she cares about you.

Good Luck

P.S Your not a moron... just human

Distorted

Don't think you have done anything wrong here, in fact you have been a model of the perfect way to behave in such a situation. I echo the giving her time - continue to be friendly and relaxed, and perhaps in time she will work out how she feels. Loads of people get together after being friends first but it might take a bit of mental adjustment. You sound like a great guy!

Otis Driftwood

Personally I feel its better like this.

She is only a couple of weeks out of an LTR so you do not want to be the rebound guy.

I made a similar mistake myself a few years back ie getting involved with someone not long out of a relationship.I ended up getting kinda shat on but I dont blame the girl or hold any grudge,it was my naivety for getting involved in the first place.

Stay friends with her,let her go and have mini flings and be there for her as a mate if she wants a chat.

Who knows where things will progress when she has gotten past the break up.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for the replies people. I'm not really looking for hope of being with the girl. She has a lot of stuff to work through, and while I'll be here if she ever needs a friend or someone to talk to, I'm not silly enough to persue her romantically. Of course, it'd be great if something did happen, but I'm realistic about it.

I was just angry at myself for what I perceived to be stupidity at getting into the situation. Had I been an outsider looking in, I'd have told myself I was mad getting involved. But that's the benefit of hind-sight. I like her a lot, and I felt stupid for thinking something would develop, and desperate for hoping I was right. And I think I had a bit of a savior complex thinking 'well if she was going out with me, I'd show her how special she is.' It just all seems a bit silly now, and I feel very embarrassed at myself.

Fentdog84

I feel for you OP, sounds like you really like the girl and are very respectful towards her. But Id be wary of those dreaded words from a girl ''You're a really nice guy but..." Sorry but you are stuck in friend territory mate. If you acted like a total jerk you'd probably have got somewhere with her. But thats neither here nor there. Just forget it and move on