its all ruined

slowrun

just found out this morning that my husband of 5 years is in love with someone else. was suspicious because of the way he was acting for the last while so i checked his messages and saw one from her.
i confronted him & he admitted that he loves her.
he says he still loves me but when i asked him who he was choosing - he said her. he said he cant turn off his feelings for her. obviously that means that his feelings for me dont mean much.
i've asked him about counselling but he says that he thinks that i'll never trust him again and he'll never be happy if he's not trusted. he never told me he wasnt happy. i've been through a lot family-wise and work-wise in the past year and up until christmas, he was great through it all. that's when he started talking to her. apparently they used to go out years ago and they got back in contact online. i met her and everything a few months ago and we went for drinks. he said nothing was going on then but that after that, she told him she still had feelings for him and he realised that he did too.
i cant believe he's throwing it all away. all the years we've had together. the life we had made. i was really beginning to think that we were finally at the stage where we would start trying for a baby (had a false alarm a few weeks ago).
he had to go off to work now. I'm stuck at home. i dont know what to do.
i cant even cry, i'm so shocked and upset and disappointed and heartbroken. I've built my life around him and what we had together. he was a big part of my family and i'm a big part of his family. our parents will be devastated. our families too. i'm devastated.
i dont know what to do:(

ennis81

Hey,
You poor thing my heart goes out to you, right now u are understandably shocked and devastated and you should'nt be alone call up a friend or family member and talk to someone.

For him maybe she was the one who got away and he always had deep feelings for her, OR its a grass is greener on the other side senario that will not work out (I mean how well does he really know this woman?) and he will come crawling back in a few months saying he has made a massive mistake.

Firstly BE AS MENTALLY STRONG AS YOU CAN BE, I know its difficult but do not fall apart or beg him to stay, u suggested counselling and he made an excuse not to do it so it seems like his mind is made up.

Try not to drive yourself mad with the what ifs and worrying yourself with what others will think.... family etc.. You are the important one here and your life must carry on.

This is going to be heartbreaking for you, but please dont blame yourself, you said in your post that he said he loves her, he probably does love and care about you but not enough to value and cherish the years you have given him and the life you have built together, thats his loss.

You said about trying for a baby....imagine you already had a couple of kids and he was leaving you for this other woman....that would be worse and would create many more heartbreaking issues, you are obviously still young enough to start a family in time with a new partner.

Please take care of yourself, be strong and keep the faith, I have been through extreme heartbreak myself and my advice comes from experience, life does go on and it has so much to offer
Value and respect yourself...you deserve better x

MissFlitworth

slowrun wrote: »

i've asked him about counselling but he says that he thinks that i'll never trust him again and he'll never be happy if he's not trusted

These are weasel-words OP - he's trying to push the responsibility for the end of your relationship onto you. Don't let him do that, if he's not happy and he doesn't want to work on your relationship then that is fault and not yours.

This must all have been such a horrible shock to you, and it sounds like he is being an absolute pillock about it (he's effectively just ended his marriage and he had to go off to work? wtf?) If I were you I'd go and get myself some support right now, don't be by yourself. Go talk to your parents or your friends. Your family are going to be upset but that isn't your fault & it doesn't mean you can't lean on them

slowrun

Thanks everyone for your replies.
still so in complete shock. had an operation last week so i'm on sick leave from work. dreading going back now.
told my sister because i needed to talk to someone - she's in complete shock too. we lost a parent 6months ago and we've really had it tough.
dont really want to talk to anyone else yet until i get to speak with him this evening and find out for definate that he's throwing it all away.
if he's willing to give us a go - i'll do it - but only if he's in it 100%. so i'm not holding out too much hope for that because i think he's not in it 100%.
I think he was in major shock that i found out and everything so quickly and he didn't have time to prepare himself or what he was going to say or do.
I truly believe that if he chooses to leave me and go with her, that he will regret it. but unfortunately it'll probably be too late at that stage.
I know i have to be strong - thanks for helping me with that.
I guess i'm just going to have to go with the 'it's her or me' line........not looking forward to that answer as i think i already know it's not going to favour me :-( will just have to let him go..... :-(
never ever thought he would do that to me.....not in a million years.
i am devastated + really dont know how im going to pick up the pieces of my life!

Chucky the tree

Don't know why you'd want to take him back. He clearly doesn't love you and no one should settle for being someone's second best.

slowrun

I know..........but i feel like i owe it to our marriage to try and do everything i can to make it work. I took my vows seriously - obviously he didnt!
i know i cant do anything to change his mind but if there's even a glimmer that we can work things out, then i feel like i have to do it.
never thought i'd end up in this situation..................

Smashhits

Hi Op, firstly i'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can totally relate as this happened to me just last year. My oh met someone and fell in love with her, used the 'you'll never trust me again, i can't be in a relationship like that' with me as well. That, as someone has said already, is putting it back on you. It's easy to blame someone else as he doesn't come out as the bad guy.

To add insult to injury we have 2 children together so I will never really be apart from him. Be thankful that you don't have kids to explain to. It's not pleasant believe me.

I tried so hard to make my marriage work but what i finally understood was by the time i had found out he was cheating he had already checked out of the marriage. You can bring a horse to water and all that.

Again I agree with everyone previous, gather your family and friends and be honest with them, you did nothing wrong. Please don't do what i did and say nothing until it made me sick. I realised I was protecting him by not telling the truth of the situation.

I know you might not feel up to going to work for a while but believe me the routine and the break from the house will be good for you. Even if it's only to do the mundane things that normally annoy you, it will be a welcome distraction.

One question you do need to ask is 'if he does choose her and later regrets it what will i do?' Be truthful to yourself and listen to your head (logic tends to go out the window when emotion is involved)
You will be pulled by your feelings for him and the time you had with him but that's now in the past, he's changed your relationship with him. I honestly don't know if you would be able to get any shred of what you had back.

Look after yourself, you will get through this, I know it's hard and very raw at the moment.

Fentdog84

Sorry to hear you are in this situation, you will get through it... It sounds like he's got his mind pretty much made up, and if he's not acting all that bothered, you shouldnt either..When he gets home this evening I would suggest you start talking over arrangements for splitting up rather than if he's really sure this is what he wants etc. Plus, bottom line, he's been cheating on you. A great, wonderful guy who loves you wouldnt do that. Id just be wary of believing anything else that comes out of his mouth. Just look out for yourself now.

IrishEyes19

slowrun wrote: »

I know..........but i feel like i owe it to our marriage to try and do everything i can to make it work. I took my vows seriously - obviously he didnt!
i know i cant do anything to change his mind but if there's even a glimmer that we can work things out, then i feel like i have to do it.
never thought i'd end up in this situation..................

OP, you owe it to yourself, not your marriage, different story if his heart was into to make it work. How old are you if you dont mind me asking? Is it too late to start again or do you want a family soon? I know you stated you were considering trying for a baby. I personally dont think love is too late for anyone but obviously babies are.

LegacyUser

I am so sorry OP. You must be in bits. I'm glad you've told your sister. You need support at this time.

What he has done to you is dispicable. After everything you have been through. A man like this does not deserve your love. But you must think of yourself right now. After a shock like this. Can you ask him to leave for the time being while you sort your head out. It is not right what he is doing.

One thing that jumped out at me from your post was this;

i've asked him about counselling but he says that he thinks that i'll never trust him again and he'll never be happy if he's not trusted

Cheek! So he is already blaming you that counselling would fail before it even started. What bull****. Don't believe him, he is trying to manipulate you. The truth is he doesn't want to go to counselling, because he doesn't seem to want to save the relationship. But instead of just admit that he says counselling wouldn't work because you would never trust him. Not because he cheated on you after you lost a parent and have just had an operation. How dare he? How dare he blame you that you won't trust him so he won't do counselling. He should just admit the truth instead of twisting words.

This guy is a lowlife. I know you've been through a lot and this is the last thing you need. I would definitely seek some help. Talking to someone, even on the phone. It is very hard if your families are on good terms but you can't hide what he has done. You need their support now. If you hide what he has done your journey will be harder.

I do not advise you to stay with this guy. I think you should ask him to leave. He is emotionally abusing you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I can totally empathise with your situation as I was in much the same boat 2 years ago, albeit with the genders reversed! Like you, I was in a situation where I desperately (too desperate I guess) wanted to salvage things and she didn't. Her lack of interest became very apparent after a couple of councilling sessions, her heart wasn't in it and after 3 hours of counciling she packed it in.

I found it so so hard to accept it and spent several weeks after that final rejection chasing a lost cause - begging her to reconsider, sending emails, texts, etc... I cringe now when I think back on it but my mind was all over the place. I was a wreck! If I didn't have my family and close friends to fall back on, god knows what I'd have done

Anyway, I can only echo what others have said on here, to look after yourself, try to be strong, don't crumble in front of him... his heart clearly isn't in it and there's not much you can do about it sadly, no amount of pleading will change it - and I know only too well that this is extremely difficult to accept.

On a brighter note, the cliche is kinda true... time does heal. Well, I can't honestly say I'm totally "healed". It is her birthday this week and unfortunately I'm one of the few men who never forget dates! I can't "un-remember" such dates - I wish I could! But I have definitely moved on a lot and I'm a very different, more independent person today than I was 2 years ago. And I did find love again too

I wish you all the best, however it works out for you.

slowrun

so he's gone!
basically came home with the same story. he's only really been in contact with this bi%ch since Christmas (coz she was going out with someone else + it was messy + he was telling her she didnt have to put up with it ) - she then told him a few months later that she had feelings for him+ apparently he didnt know what to do at the time. he reckons that he hasnt been happy for the last 2 years (not that he told me) and that we were fighting - the only fights we've had have been about housework and silly things like that - nothing major! he never once told me that he wasnt happy or suggested that we go see someone about it or anything.
he thought he could stay on the couch tonight but i said no. I said that there's no way he can stay here when he's already told me that he loves someone else more than me. When he's already told me that he's leaving me for her! He doesnt even know her! he doesnt even know what exact age she is! he said that if it wasnt her, that he probably would have left me anyway.
I said that was boll$x because he didnt have the balls! I said that only I had the cop on to figure something was wrong, he wouldve just carried out pretending everything was ok!
so he packed up a lot of stuff + left. I cursed at him more than i've ever cursed before. I threw stuff at him. I hit him. I kicked him. It was all i could do not to smash a glass on his head. he then had the cheek to say that he didnt like the side of me that he was seeing!!!!! what did he expect???? me to put out the bunting for his big departure!
he didnt know where he was going when he left. he hadnt really thought it through and lots of people who he couldve stayed with would not be very happy with him so he was planning to check in somewhere. he cant even go stay with the $lut because she lives with her mum.
he obviously rang his parents coz he was afraid that i'd contact his sister (which i did but i told her not to tell them + to let him do his own dirty work) and that she'd tell them. I just got a phonecall from my mother-in-law. She was crying and everything on the phone + begging me to go for counselling. I told her that it was his choice + he said that he didnt want to go for counselling. Then i think his dad rang him while she was on the phone to me + he told him to go back to our house. OH apparently told him that he would go for counselling. Then my M-I-L was begging me to open the door to him if he comes back. telling me that shes devastated and we have to sort it out. I told her that i cant take him back here tonight. I cant just have him walk back in after him walking out on me and telling me that he doesnt love me. She then said that she wants him off the roads and she was afraid that he sounded a bit crazy + that he'd do something stupid like commit suicide. I mean, I really didnt need to hear that. I really hope he doesn't (just as he was walking out the door, I called him back and told him that i had loved him more than anything, never asked for anything from him, took him as he was, and that he was the one that had thrown it away. I told him that he didnt deserve me or anyone else that loved him - so then he said 'maybe i'll just go and hang myself then coz noone loves me' - I said 'well obviously you've got that bit sorted already!' - then i went out to his car and made him promise not to do something stupid like that. I told him to think of his parents and that they'd have enough to deal with with us spliiting up without that too! I just hope he's not that stupid - for their sake! btw he's never been depressive or anything anytime before!).
I cant believe that this time last night, we were sitting on the couch together watching tv + he was acting like everything was ok.
i'm so devastated + numb + dont know how i'm going to recover from this.
thanks so much for all your replies. It was really good to hear that other people have come through this sort of thing!
I think i do need to talk to someone though. about my bereavement and now this. I dont even know where to start looking for someone to talk to though or how to go about it.........
I cant believe it........
it doesnt feel real :(:(:(:(

gren1234

hi, well i can see that this is so bad for you right now. you need to stop and think. do you need a man like this............. you should not have to fight for the relationship. i would advise you to break all contact with him. this woman clearly has no sense of dignity. what type of person would steal another persons partner... this is who your partner has decided for now to be with. she has obviously manipulated him into thinking that she is the one. and of course how dare she. there are millions of single men out there. what you need to do is distance yourself. put yourself first. enjoy yourself and meet friends. go shopping and go out for drinks or away for a weekend with friends or family. you need to look after yourself now and respect yourself. i know its very hard and i can see from your above posts that he was a big part of your life. and now you feel empty. but you have to think that he is not as upset as you are. he could be just enjoying that you could actually be so miserable that he is gone - therefore boosting that EGO even further!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dont even give him any more of your time. enjoy yourself. try and remember times before you met him ................ you still had happy times and this can happen again. it will take time but it will be worth it. take each day at a time.

another good thing to do is put any of his stufff out of the house that reminds you of him. this will make it easier.

remember all the pain he has caused you. you should not be treated like this. show him you can make it without him. and who knows when you come out the other side he may want you back after he realises the women he supposodely fell in love with isnt as special as you obviously are. BUT dont wait around for this to happen. Live your life!!!!!!! and remember before anyone else can love you you must love yourself. Best of luck and never look back

slowrun

thank you! you're very kind.
I've spent the last ten years of my life with this guy - will be very hard to fill the void in my life. I know i have to get back to myself + figure out myself.
that's another reason why i refused when his mother was begging me to take him back in tonight. I know I deserve better than that! I know I've revolved my life around him & now I have to go and make my own life again.
everything in what was 'our house' reminds me of him. so many photos of us in various parts of the world around me now. so many memories :mad:
there's some stuff i'll be quite happy to get rid of but it's seriously going to take a big clearout to split our stuff. he's promised that he wont come into the house when i'm not here - but who knows? not like i can believe anything he says now.
luckily financially i'm ok and i dont rely on him, and we dont have kids. the silver lining i guess

LegacyUser

Hey OP, I was in your situation some years back after 25years together with children. He moved out whilst my mother was dying...whilst I was taken up with her care he took up with another woman and I had been thinking I was so lucky all those months when he had seemed so caring!
He had left many years before and I took him back..foolishly as we had no children at the time and it would have been better to separate then.
You have had a tough time and and he has let you down when you needed love most.
My ex tried to make me feel guilty too, that is classic of a cheater..to take no responsibility for his cheating.
I would not take any more calls from his mother..how dare she expect you to forgive him and have a family with him..it is YOUR life not hers and you are NOT his mammy, she is.
I have a son and no way would I expect a girl to continue living with a cheat.
Be warned he may try and get back with you later down the road..don't be like me and have your life ruined.
Look after yourself

Boskowski

Hello OP so sorry to hear but in your anger don't forget these things happen, people fall in and out of love. Love is a funny bird after all
In the long run surely you wouldn't want to be with someone whose heart isn't in it?
At least he wasn't weaselling around but admitted and put his cards on the table rather than trying to string along.
Not much consolation right now but when you will begin to see things clearer you will know it was probably better that way.
Other than that I have not much to say that can help. I know how tough this is and I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't take his threats too seriously. By the sounds of it, he is just trying to guilt trip you into easing up and being softer on him, and possibly in the hope that you will let him stay in the house until he sorts somewhere else out.
If his mother is that concerned about him being on the streets, can she not let him stay at hers, or if that's not possible he should go to a friend's or one of his relations.
He got himself into this situation, and the way he's feeling is not your fault. You are perfectly entitled to be angry and to tell him what you think of him.
He sounds like an awful coward, saying to his Dad that he would go to counselling when he quite clearly told you that he would not. I hope he doesn't spin a lie to other people, that he was willing to try counselling, and lie by pretending that you weren't willing to try it.
You should tell everyone close to you the truth, so that they can be there to help and support you.

I won't condone hitting him, but I understand that your hurt and rage must be all over the place at the moment. I do think what you said to him is true, that if you hadn't found out for yourself, he would have kept this affair going on for god knows how long.
He is a coward who never told you he was feeling unhappy about any aspect of the relationship, instead just decided to betray you behind your back with some home wrecking little tramp, whilst pretending to you that everything was fine.
Thank your lucky stars that pregnancy a few weeks ago was a false alarm, as it would make this situation infinitely worse.

I could never trust someone fully again after something like that, ask yourself honestly, could you?
I think you are well rid, and don't need someone who could so easily betray and hurt you like that in your life.
Please don't take him back if he does change his mind. Because if he changes his mind at all, it will likely only be because he gets bored of the other wagon, or if she dumps him. It won't be because of any great realization of his love for you, although he will lie and tell you that it is.

He has already told you that he loves her more than you, and is treating you as second best, so take him at his word and split with him for good. Don't let him backtrack on the unforgivable thing he has said and done, or you will likely be in the same situation again a few years down the line with another woman, only then it could be worse because you might have children with him by that stage.

Stay strong, and vent to your loved ones for as long as you need to.
It's probably abit early to be giving advice on how to rebuild your life, as you will be too upset now to want to hear any of that. Right now, you need to just allow the feelings flow. Anger, hurt etc., let them all out and rally your family and friends around you. Eventually you will hopefully reach acceptance, and then begin the rebuilding of your life and moving on with your life.
I feel very sympathetic to you OP, and also a little angry at your idiot of an ex, on your behalf. I hope you keep your strength through this OP, and that you have close friends or family who will help you through this horrible time.

LegacyUser

Boskowski wrote: »

Hello OP so sorry to hear but in your anger don't forget these things happen, people fall in and out of love. Love is a funny bird after all
In the long run surely you wouldn't want to be with someone whose heart isn't in it?
At least he wasn't weaselling around but admitted and put his cards on the table rather than trying to string along.
Not much consolation right now but when you will begin to see things clearer you will know it was probably better that way.
Other than that I have not much to say that can help. I know how tough this is and I wish you all the best.

Sorry but I disagree. How exactly was he not weaselling around or stringing her along?
He has been having a secret AFFAIR since christmas with another woman, whilst all the while pretending everything was fine to his wife. They were even considering that they might soon have children together.
He only told her the truth AFTER he was caught, then spun some story about not being happy for two years. Eh, would have been nice if he had actually TOLD his wife that, instead of pretending everything was hunky dory.
So yes, weaselling and stringing along are EXACTLY what he has been doing.
I could think of other ways of describing his actions but I'd probably get in trouble.

IrishEyes19

First of all, OP, dont adhere to his silly comments about hanging himself. There are people out in the world with real worries who do this everyday, and in my opinion, he's looking for something shocking to say to you to make himself the victim, just be glad you're shot of someone who could be that horrid to you,

Secondly I know you hate the other woman so to speak, but maybe tone down on calling her a b*itch and a sl*t. Im aware she has caused so much trouble, but if you ask me, men who cheat once, cheat again, except for execeptional circumstances, but she's just a stranger who could have been any woman, doesnt make her a sl*t. Right now its between you and him and if I were you, Id begin the seperation proceedings in removing him from your life. Im sorry you had to go through this, it sounds like you were very much in the dark about his feelings and this shouldnt have happened to you, but at least now you know. take care.

Billy7878

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Secondly I know you hate the other woman so to speak, but maybe tone down on calling her a b*itch and a sl*t.

I think it is natural for someone to instinctively hate a person who has stolen their lovers heart, I dont think the OP should have to cool down on this:mad:, she should vent, if not here anonymously then where is better

dixiefly

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

First of all, OP, dont adhere to his silly comments about hanging himself. There are people out in the world with real worries who do this everyday, and in my opinion, he's looking for something shocking to say to you to make himself the victim, just be glad you're shot of someone who could be that horrid to you,

Secondly I know you hate the other woman so to speak, but maybe tone down on calling her a b*itch and a sl*t. Im aware she has caused so much trouble, but if you ask me, men who cheat once, cheat again, except for execeptional circumstances, but she's just a stranger who could have been any woman, doesnt make her a sl*t. Right now its between you and him and if I were you, Id begin the seperation proceedings in removing him from your life. Im sorry you had to go through this, it sounds like you were very much in the dark about his feelings and this shouldnt have happened to you, but at least now you know. take care.

Of course she is entitled to call her a *itch and a sl*t!!

This woman has been very instrumental in the breakup, of course her OH is mainly to blame as he had made the committment to her but she seems to have made quite a bit of the running knowing he was married and that there were not major issues in the marriage before she got her claws in.

Best of luck OP, hope you can get through this.

Wompa1

I would get his most priced possession and destroy it, also warn the other girl about the nasty STD he has, not that she shouldn't have sex with him but that she should use protection and get frequent check ups. Petty I know, but he deserves every bit of it.

ennis81

Hey,
How are you today?
I read your post about him leaving etc last night.
His behaviour is pretty standard, blaming you, suicide threats, asking mammy to fight his corner........poor him yea right. Doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions.....LOSER

I can tell u NOW from the info you have given that his new relationship WILL NOT LAST....
a) they barely know each other
b) she was already in another "relationship" when she got involved with him......she obviously doesn't know what she wants just flits from person to person
b) She lives with her mam....he doesn't know how old she is etc... he doesn't know her and it will crumble sooner or later


HE WILL come crawling back sooner or later mark my words.....so be ready
DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER TAKING THIS "MAN" BACK EVER
He has treated you appalingly and with no regard for your feelings...seems to me as if its all about him
I know its hard and I don't blame you for losing the rag with him but don't do it again, he will use it against you, if you wanna cry and scream do it to a friend or family....don't let him see u like that please.

Stay strong
Keep busy
Hard one but good....chase away negative thoughts REPLACE with something positive however small..e.g you stare at at photo of the 2 of you remember a happy time and feel like your heart is going to break.... STOP replace the thought with something happy that u want to do that he would never have done with you
Go to councelling I found it hugely benefical to unload to a stranger and learnt alot about myself in the process
Exercise.....it rocks and chases the blues away
Take up invites to everything, u never know who u'll meet
Write a list of all the things YOU want to do with your life....make them happen;)
Listen to Good uplifting music



Something good always comes from something bad and the best revenge you will ever have on someone is to make the BEST of your own life, don't crumble over this fool he ain't worth it.

P.S Wonderful to hear your financially secure.....Sisters are doing it for themselves eh;)

Just wanted to add look how strong you've been already with ur op and losing a parent....YOU CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS

ibarelycare

OP your post last night brought tears to my eyes. Massive big hugs to you. I can't offer any advice to you other than what people have already said. Be strong, you will get through this.

Chucky the tree

If you can't interact with him in future with attacking him then make sure you are not in the house if needs to pick up other stuff.

gargleblaster

Chucky the tree wrote: »

If you can't interact with him in future with attacking him then make sure you are not in the house if needs to pick up other stuff.

Well edited. Interesting, the things people focus on.


Good luck OP. Don't fall for his tricks, and don't let his lies about his conduct go unchallenged.

C-J

Op, i feel so bad for you. It's very important for you to vent and talk to people, whether that be on here or with your family etc. Don't sit letting the emotions build up inside you. I cannot imagine how you are feeling but this post has really touched me, take care of yourself x

Chucky the tree

gargleblaster wrote: »

Well edited. Interesting, the things people focus on.


Good luck OP. Don't fall for his tricks, and don't let his lies about his conduct go unchallenged.

Interesting the thing people are willing to ignore as well. She's lucky the husband didn't call the police on her.

Fentdog84

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Interesting the thing people are willing to ignore as well. She's lucky the husband didn't call the police on her.

I agree with that actually. If a guy was proclaiming on here how he kicked and puched his spouse I dont think it would meet the same level of sympathy or acceptance. Its not nice when someone hits you, it can be equally traumatising whether you are a man or a woman.

Milky Moo

I know it is a tough time for you right now and I am so sorry.

Him saying he didn't want to go to counselling beause he thought you wouldn't be able to move past it was just him trying to deflect some responsibility onto you. Don't buy into it!

He wants out bluntly put that is what he wants.

I know it hurts right now and you had a life together but he wasn't completely invested in your marriage!

It will hurt for a long time but eventually you will grow stronger.

Look after yourself, and remember when you are half way through hell keep going!

dixiefly

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Interesting the thing people are willing to ignore as well. She's lucky the husband didn't call the police on her.

Rubbish.

I am sure he was well able to take care of himself and would have been well able to defend himself should it have gotten out of hand.

She was inshock and i am not surprised at the reaction. I am speaking from a guy's perspective btw.

dixiefly

Fentdog84 wrote: »

I agree with that actually. If a guy was proclaiming on here how he kicked and puched his spouse I dont think it would meet the same level of sympathy or acceptance. Its not nice when someone hits you, it can be equally traumatising whether you are a man or a woman.

My answer above also applies here.....I think the OP has to be gven the benefit of any doubt here considering the circumstances. After all none of this would have happened had he not strayed & given her such a shock.

Virgil°

dixiefly wrote: »

My answer above also applies here.....I think the OP has to be gven the benefit of any doubt here considering the circumstances. After all none of this would have happened had he not strayed & given her such a shock.

What benefit of doubt? She admitted herself she resorted to violence. What he did was horrible but it does NOT excuse violence, whether or not he could handle himself is irrelevant.

Maple

Folks, get back on topic please. Nobody is or should be condoning violence, no exceptions. All further replies to be directed to the OP, and keep the advice helpful.

Maple

dixiefly

Virgil° wrote: »

What benefit of doubt? She admitted herself she resorted to violence. What he did was horrible but it does NOT excuse violence, whether or not he could handle himself is irrelevant.

I would like to clarify this.

What I meant was that her reaction is understandable. Yes, she should not have done it but she was in shock and I believe her actions were spur of the moment compared to her husbands and his mistress over a period of time.

her husband deserves NO sympathy on here. I am not condoning violence, never would just saying that I understand her situation.

Maple

dixiefly infracted for labouring point despite onthread moderator warning

Maple

m'lady

Hi op, just read this whole post now, and I guess I wanted to see how you Are doing. My heart really does go out to you, and I wish I could offer you more advice. I guess all you can try and do is stay strong,difficult I know. Please let us all know how you are when you get a chance.

slowrun

hi again,
thanks for all your replies. i went away for a few days so wasn't online.
firstly, regarding me attacking him - he didn't even feel it. i'm not strong enough & i knew it wasn't really hurting him. just needed to try and shock him. needed to try and do everything i could to let him see how much he hurt me.
he's been in contact a bit in the last few days. he's been staying in a hotel. i've found out a bit more about how much had gone on. it's broken my heart.

i know i'm going to get slated for this, but i'm meeting him this morning to go for counselling. i feel like i have to go. i want to go. i need to see if there's still anything we can salvage. i cant walk away without even trying. he asked me + then he arranged it. he has promised he'll be 100% committed to it. I'm not sure if he really means that (as i cant really believe anything he says at the moment) but i have to go there and find out. I think it'd be better to meet with someone professional with us so that it doesnt just end up in a big fight again. i feel like this has all grown out of the grief that we have experienced in the past year. dont get me wrong - i'm not excusing him, not one bit. but i firmly do not believe that he hasnt been happy for 2 years. I think he put himself in situations he shouldnt have been in and then became infatuated with this person.

I'm really not sure that anything will be salvagable or if either of us will even want to now but i have to see. I need counselling anyway either way so it's a start anyway.

Thanks again for letting me vent

m'lady

op, only you can decide what to do here, and for the record I think your doing the right thing, at least you can say you tried.
However I thought he wasn't interested in going to counselling and was leaving? All I'm saying is do not let him start game playing with your head, it will destroy you totally.

Good look at counselling, I hope it works out for you.

slowrun

So just a little update. Went for counselling. He said we were both obviously carrying a lot of hurt. He said that somehow we had stopped communicating properly at some stage - cant be sure when. Then when this other person came along, she filled an emotional need which wasn't being met within our marriage. OH was very upset but was still saying that he was breaking contact. Counsellor said that if he manages to keep up this no contact, he will have to grieve the loss of the emotional bond he had. She suggested that we should both do an solo counselling session before we go into more couples sessions. He said that we can't fix what we had but if we were both willing to work at it, that we can rebuild and come through it but that it will get worse before it gets better and it will be a hard process.
So, we talked a bit after the session on saturday and met up twice since. Talked a lot more and stuff. Some of it good, some of it not good. I asked a lot of questions, many of which I knew I wasn't going to like the answer to.
So, I have my first session of therapy tomorrow - scared but also looking forward to it to be honest. Will be good to get my feelings out there a bit more I guess. OH's session is on Friday. I guess I'm scared he won't turn up to it or scared that after it he'll decide that I'm really not what he wants.
But I'm angry now. He says he's going to give us 100% but I feel like he's not taking the responsibility that he should for his actions. I feel like he doesn't understand that full right that I have to be angry. One of the times we me up since counselling, it was all very highly charged. Was all I could do not to kiss him. He asked me but I refused. We did hug though and it was nice. I just don't know.
I guess I feel like he's using what the counsellor said as a reason to give himself time not to face up to things. When we start talking seriously, he kinda trys to stall and say that we should talk about it in the counselling.
I know I have to give my marriage a chance and work on it. But I just dont want to be made a fool out of anymore. I feel like that I dont know that he'll stick with it, when the going gets really tough. I know it has to mean something that he's broken contact but I dont know how long he'll really do it. I'm so annoyed.
I know he says that he loves this person, but I really don't think that he's actually thought about it properly. He doesn't know what they have in common, doesn't know what type of music or tv or movies or anything that she likes. He's just kinda said that she wasn't giving out to him like I was. They weren't living in the same house. And of course I was going to give out to someone who was emotionally switched off from me and wasn't putting the effort into our relationship. That's what I think he doesn't see. I asked him why he didnt pull away at the start when he felt like it was getting flirty. He said that he was excited by it. I'm so annoyed that he continued on that path and didnt put the same effort into our marriage instead.
So I'm very confused. I've decided that i'm not going to meet him again now until after his counselling session and see what happens.
I'm starting to think about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I know there may come a stage in this process where I decide that I can't do this. When I decide that I'll never be able to forgive him. What do I do then? Where will I go? I don't think I'd be able to stay in our house - too many memories. Everything that I've built my life around has changed and I don't even know how I'd begin to pick up the pieces. I dread having to tell people and then face them. I dread my life without him - without my marriage. How do I start to meet people again? Most of my friends are all in relationships now. I'm in my mid-30's now. Are my chances of having a family gone? By the time I'd possibly meet someone new, would I ever be able to trust them enough to commit to them? I never felt a rush to have kids before now. Most of my hobbies and interests are things that we had in common. How do I continue on with these now?
My life is a mess right now. I just don't know what's going to happen and I hate the fact that I don't know where my life is going. I feel like I can't start to get on with my life either way because I dont know what's going on. I'm back to work this week and it's torture. Horrible being there and just having everything going around in my head. Dreading the thought of having to tell people in there about everything. Due to my operation I can't exercise or do much at the moment, so I don't really even have an outlet and I can't throw myself into working out like I normally would at times of stress. It's just a horrible horrible time.
It'll be a week tomorrow that I found out. Worst week of my life. Nothing will ever be the same again.......still devastated

thecookingapple

Life is dispicable sometimes and what you have gone through and what you are going through and what you are going to go through will be devastating.

But your life will go on and one day it will be harmonius one way or the other, i have read your first post and your replies and whats upsetting for me is that you come across as such a caring, genuine and up front person, this time is really about you and your happiness and your feelings, dont worry about explaining things to people, two things.

1. Dont tell people if your not ready to

2. if you do tell people the last thing they will be doing is judging you, you come across as the type of person whom people will care about and want to support.

You are really at a cross roads in your life now and no doubt this can be traumatic, but with saying that you can and will recover from this, your strenght of character has shone through here because the majority of people woud just have given up, you have shown huge courage and conviction in trying to repair your marriage,whether you can will be for the future to decide and i wish you the very best in doing so.

But in case your marriage does end and you part ways, please believe that your life is anything but over, you have a lot to give regarding emotions and love to someone somewhere and to life itself, you are still young and your life can still be prosperous, loving and filled with enjoyment, i wouldnt worry about not trusting in the future, you will just be wiser and more experienced and this will benefit you and not take away from you, you come across as having many valuable and charming traits and wasting these would be such a shame and waste.

In closing you have so much to give and whether its your husband or someone else you will be one day be very happy, i hope this is soon.

My very best wishes and my thoughts and hopes are with you.

slowrun

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
sorry don't have the energy to go into any detail! This whole situation is driving me nuts and I just had to vent!!!

dan_d

OP, one thing from your previous post.

TIME. This takes time. One session will not solve this. One week will not solve this. You're going to hurt, be frustrated, be upset, be angry, be guilty, blame him for a long, long time. There's a lot of stuff there that needs to be talked about and addressed.

Look, at least you're willing to give it a chance. And on his part, it's good that he suggested it and he organised it - and not you. From some points of view, I think it sounds like a typical affair - while it was hidden, secret, new and different it was great, but the reality of a relationship with this other woman is just not what he was attracted to and now that it's a possibility, he's realising he doesn't want it.

Do all the talking you have to, and be easy on yourself (and him, to an extent).You won't solve this overnight. But give it your best shot. Nobody, least of all you, knows how this will end, but give it time.

(Can I suggest you read "Beach House" by Jane Green?? It's not a self-help book or anything, but some parts of it might ring some bells with you!It's surprisingly true to life))

slowrun

We've both had our counselling sessions at this stage. I found mine very good. I was very stressed & emotional the whole day before it but after it at least I had managed to calm down somewhat. I was told that there's basically nothing I can do at the moment only wait for him to decide what he wants and in the meantime I've to think seriously about our relationship & what was going wrong & whether I think i could ever get over this all if he does choose to give us his all. I was told to look after myself as i'm obviously still grieving since last year and now this is like another bereavement all over again. It was suggested that I try and detach myself from reality as all this is going on. doing that actually made working for the next few days actually possible.
We met up since then. He needed to call to the house for something. He was even suggesting that he'd move back in. That it would make it easier to work on our relationship. i still wasnt fully sure if he was fully committed but he kept telling me that he was.
then he had his counselling session - counsellor said that even though there's no doubt that he loves me, his feelings for this other woman are very strong and cant be sure whether what he's feeling for me is more of a caring kind of thing because we've been together so long etc. So he's been told that we're not allowed any contact for at least a week and he has to think about everything and decide what he wants. He called over to tell me this.
I just feel so devastated all over again. I really want him to pick me and us but I just dont believe that he will choose us. I hadnt really cried too much in the past week but I've had a dodgy stomach all week. but now its all kinda been hitting me and i'm crying on and off today. My head hurts so much and my jaws and everything. My sister thinks I need to tell more people now but at the moment I just cant face talking to anyone today. I just feel so sad. All the hope that we might be able to work through this has pretty much gone from me now. I'm just so sad :-(
really hating the thoughts of my life without him :-( I loved him so much :-(

Neyite

slowrun wrote: »

My sister thinks I need to tell more people now but at the moment I just cant face talking to anyone today. I just feel so sad. All the hope that we might be able to work through this has pretty much gone from me now. I'm just so sad :-(
really hating the thoughts of my life without him :-( I loved him so much :-(

I disagree with your sister. Your relationship is nobody elses business, and guaranteed the will ask questions that you just dont have the answers for right now, or start giving out about him, and you dont need that either. You commited to trying, and thats really brave of you, if it does not work, it wont be because you didnt try. Just take it day by day, and be kind to yourself. ((Hugs.))

LegacyUser

Op - I think no contact for a week is a good idea. Maybe longer might be better, but go with the counsellor.

While he's thinking about that, maybe you should try considering whether you really want him. You love him, you've said - could you live with him again, and let go what's happened? Could you trust him, and could you live with trusting him? When you've been hurt this badly once, it's very hard to open yourself up to the same person again. Your natural instinct is to protect yourself - protect your heart from being hurt so badly by the same person again. It's difficult, no matter how much you love him, to bring him back in and be ok with it inside yourself aswell.

Be very nice to yourself OP, because whether you know it or not, you're hurting and it's taking it's toll. Take baths, read books, listen to music, try and go for a few walks. Emotional trouble is one of the most difficult things to deal with. You don't genuinely know what he's going to decide, or realise, what he feels. Try and stop beating yourself up about it. And to be honest, the last thing you need is to be telling a whole load of different people this story, over and over and over again, resurrecting your pain. Just leave it where it is (the hardest thing to do!!), take comfort from those who know and concentrate on you for the week.

I give this advice from having been there OP. I don't mean the exact same situation, but from having been through slightly similar emotional trauma and counselling that followed, I do know how it feels. You have to be your number one priority for this week. And when you're able to, think about what you want here. He may have to make a decision, but you have to decide too are you prepared to take him back after such hurt.

slowrun

so it's done!
the chicken rang me during the week to arrange counselling session. I asked him straight out if he'd made a decision and he said he thought so. I said was it all over + he said i think so yes. Didn't even have the courage to come straight out and say it.
Anyway went to joint counselling session and he had to come straight out and say what he was doing etc etc. he said 'i've been told that i dont love you the way a husband should'. I was like 'you were told? are you incapable of doing anything yourself? why does someone always have to tell you what to think?
he said 'no i've realised......blah blah blah'.
counsellor gave me loads of time to vent at him and tell him what a complete loser i think he is, how he's not anything like the man that i knew and loved - that man was honest and loyal and decent and had great family values. I asked him about what he was doing from here on in and wished him good luck with it (with a sneer!!! :-) ) I told him that she obviously has no morals either to have sat across from me when she knew she was screwing with my marriage. He still had the stupidity to tell me that nothing was going on then. I fu%*ing tore into him for that statement. Counsellor had to send him outside for a few minutes to give me a chance to calm down and compose myself coz I got a little upset after ranting for a while. He didn't even have the courage to do anything only sit there with the odd - I'm sorry. I asked him was it all lies, all the time we spent together. he said no, that it wasnt - just in the past year his love for me had diminished. I said So basically when i needed him the most, he was starting up something with someone else? I told him he disgusted me and that it made me sick to look at him. I felt a lot better. I knew before the session what way it was all going to pan out so it was kind of a relief actually. I had a weird sense of calm after knowing for definate.
he asked if he could come over to pick up some stuff after the session so i gave him a time. he started asking if there'd be anyone there with me coz he didnt want confrontation with my brothers etc. i told him not to be stupid, that they just thought he was gone mad + stupid. then he started asking about stupid crap that he wanted to take from the house.
I went home after the session + packed up loads of his crap in bags. It felt sooooooooooooooooooooo good to start moving his crap! packed up loads of bags and i wasnt too careful about things being neatly packed either
then he text and chickened out of coming to collect stuff - wanted to come tomorrow instead but i said that didnt suit me + he could text me to arrange a suitable time + that i had changed the alarm code etc. I'm waiting now to hear whenever he'll come. hope its soon coz want all this crap out of here as soon as possible. I'm hoping he'll take it all in the one go aswell - dont want it dragging out. got dressed up + went out last night with some family and friends + had a great night.
Have told all of my family and some friends now. they've all been so supportive + great. It's really good to know that people are so good. his family have been in contact with me too telling me how sorry they are and that they're always there for me. still have a lot of people to tell but i feel better about it now. I know i gave it my best shot + he was the one who flipped + was unfaithful + walked away without even giving it a try. There's not much more i could have done and I know that. At the moment I feel relief and a kind of sense of excitement at what lies ahead for me - at the propects of a new life + being able to do what i want without any ties, without having to put up with his grumpy moods or his stupid ideas. Makes me think - was i really as happy as I thought anyway or was I just settling????
I know there'll be hard times ahead + especially on occasions when I'm there on my own where I always would've had his support/company before.but I know now that I've got great people around me who love me and are there for me and will always be there for me.
have to lay off telling everyone for just another day or two until some important people know but i'm itching to tell + itching to start my new life. That's how I feel today anyway.
I just want to say a big thanks you to everyone here who replied to me and supported me during my initial shock phase and the last few weeks. It was great to have that there when I couldnt talk to other people.
Cheers everyone + here's to my new life