Confused

LegacyUser

Need some advice as I don't know what I'm doing.

Basically, I've been going out with my girlfriend for 3 years now. We are both 21. Bar the last 10 weeks, our relationship has been brilliant, yeah we have the odd row but who doesn't. The past ten weeks however, have been tough. I'd no idea why but the relationship just felt like it turned cold. She has big exams starting next week and I was putting it on that, that she had been stressed out or whatever. Last Friday, I found messages on her phone from someone at her work, another lad, they'd been texting about 2 weeks since she got his number. Not sure what for! But it was strange because she told him that the reason she got his number was because she liked him. Within 2 weeks, she had told him some of her deepest feelings about things going on in her life and had closed herself off from me. I'd like to add that they never met up or had even seen each other in work at this time. I had tried to talk to her over the past ten weeks but it was like using a tweezers trying to pluck info. from her. On Friday, I found out about these messages and was devastated. She said that it looked worse than it was, whilst accepting she was in the wrong, and that nothing would have happened and she never intended it to. I do believe her on this.

She then told me that the past 10 weeks she had pulled back a bit from the relationship because she felt she was more in love with me than I was with her and when we had rows and everything that she felt she was always feeling more hurt than I was. She said she stepped back to stop herself getting so hurt but that she still loved me. It just hurts me a lot that she then starting talking to this lad, after saying she took a step back, and it really does look bad from my perspective on it.

To get to the end, I'm confused what I want now. I am seriously hurt over this. And still am. I think to myself, what do I want now? Am I too young to be in such a serious relationship? Should I take a step back?

When I think of it, I think a year of being single might do me good because being hurt from stuff like this I hate. But I can't pull myself away from her. I don't think I could do it. She really is great, and I would miss every aspect of being with her. But could I be regretting this when I'm hitting 30?

I'm confused and I know it's a bit of a ramble. But a bit of advice would help.

greenprincess

Sounds a bit odd that she is texting this fella. Why isnt she talking to you about her feeling? You need to have a very serious converstation with her.

I know your saying it will be tough, and it will but if you want to break up with her you need to. Try sort things out though if you think it is worth saving

Taltos

Donegalmaninneedofhelp wrote: »

I'd no idea why but the relationship just felt like it turned cold.

I found messages on her phone from someone at her work, another lad, they'd been texting about 2 weeks since she got his number. Not sure what for! But it was strange because she told him that the reason she got his number was because she liked him. Within 2 weeks, she had told him some of her deepest feelings about things going on in her life and had closed herself off from me.

She said that it looked worse than it was, whilst accepting she was in the wrong, and that nothing would have happened and she never intended it to. I do believe her on this.

She then told me that the past 10 weeks she had pulled back a bit from the relationship because she felt she was more in love with me than I was with her and when we had rows and everything that she felt she was always feeling more hurt than I was.

She said she stepped back to stop herself getting so hurt but that she still loved me.

OP - I have pulled out the above sentences as they were the ones that hit me.
Let's break it down - your GF has been removing herself emotionally from you - and has in fact been sharing that part of herself with another guy. FYI as far as I and others are concerned emotional cheating is still cheating.

Then what happens when you find out?
Well initially she says yes she was in the wrong - but then what - it is all your fault because she is more upset during your fights - sorry mate but getting more hurt in a fight is NOT a competition. And to top this off she uses the classic - "I love you more than you love me" line with "just protecting myself".

To be frank - I think you need to be wary here. Your GF may not have physically cheated but the fact is she did emotionally cheat and it is a short hop leap and jump from one camp to the other. Also she has used classic emotional blackmail techniques to distract your anger from what she has done and instead has you doubting yourself... Let me guess "oh maybe she's right - maybe I haven't been there enough - maybe I need to let her win some fights - maybe I need to spoil her more so she knows I love her..."

As per the poster above - you really do need to sit down and talk this out - and not get distracted by her manipulations - they may be sub-conscious but they are still manipulations. Your relationship may survive - but only if you are both 100% honest and both want it to survive. If she is any way invested emotionally in this guy then .... well no need to spell it out.

Talk - be prepared for it to end - but be honest with each other.

LegacyUser

OP here guys.

Thanks for the replies. I have forgiven her for what she has done but we've agreed to take it slow for a few weeks to see if we can get back on track.

I just don't know what I want know. I would miss every aspect of life with her. But, and it's a big but, after this happening, I don't know whether I want to still be in a relationship. Just confused

gren1234

hey i have to say i have been in the same situation myself with a partner. I started texting someone else because the relationship wasnt as exciting as it was. and i felt like my partner didnt appreciate me. however that doesnt mean my behaviour was right.its probably just a classic case of faraway hills are green but the fact that she is still with you is a good sign. just tell her your there for her but ask her how she would feel if you were texting someone from work.also that if this happens again you will have to move on. try and get the relationship back on track but also look after yourself. go out with friends etc best of luck and hope it works out.

LegacyUser

Op here.

Thanks for the reply.

I don't know what I want any more. I'm thinking I'm too young to be in such a serious relationship for so long. But then when I think of breaking up with her I know it'd absolutely break her heart and I'd be devastated too. I'm just thinking I shouldn't be so tied down at such a young age. I feel disgusted even saying this. But since this happened last week my mindset has changed. What am I to do?

ourtrail

OP i have been in a similar situation and am of a similar age. My boyfriend split up with me and is now back sniffing around but the whole breakup has changed my mindset and has made me realise I just don't want to be in a relationship as I am too young.

You shouldn't have to put up with the craic she is at, relationships at our age are supposed to be fun and you shouldn't have to feel put down or second best to anyone. Best of luck.