Only myself to blame.

LegacyUser

I'm not looking for a response on this really so much as needing to write it out and put it out there and I found this place and it seems like a good a place as any. I was always a fairly happy guy, no matter what crap happened in my life I was lways happy with myself and who I was but lately I messed that all up and I don't think I'm the good guy I use to see myself as.

It started with a huge mistake, I was with a girl for a long time, and in general quite happy but we had our issues and there was never the certainty of us going the long haul but we were plodding along. Then when out and too drunk (although I do not see this as an excuse) I kissed someone else, when it happened I tried to justify our relationship issues as an excuse but it wasn't, not even slightly, I was just drunk and stupid and selfish. When I woke up the next day feeling horrible, not just the hangover but more guilty than I've ever felt. I had never cheated on anyone and I never thought I could. I didn't know what to do, my girlfriend knew something was up as I couldn't talk to her, couldn't look her in the eye. Things ended the next day, I told myself that if we were having these issues and I didn't see us lasting then it was better to end it and not cause anymore suffering than I already had. So we moved out of the place we rented together and I guess tried to move on.

I didn't do this in the healthiest way. I ended up with the first girl to show any interest in me, even though I didn't have a major interest in her or a relationship having just come out of one, so I subsequently ended up hurting her too. Throughout this I was still struggling with my feelings for my ex and wasn't over that relationship and my ex, understandably, didn't want anything to do with me.

I thought I was moving on and accepting things and I met someone new. I really liked her and it was going well. When my ex found out about the new girl she called me looking to meet again etc, and I told her that I was sorry but we both needed to move on and try and be happy, even though I was still thinking about her a lot. She was angry and upset. In one breath I was telling her I missed her and wanted her back and then I met someone and told her we both needed to move on. but I thought this was for the best. However in true asshole style, once things started to get serious with the new girl (perhaps too serious for how long we knew each other) I bailed. Things ended and once again I left another person hurt because of my actions and not knowing what I wanted.

I never meant to cause anyone any pain but in the space of 6 months I had crushed a long term girlfriend and hurt 2 other girls all because I acted selfishly and didn't know what I wanted. Now I can't stop thinking about my ex, I know I don't deserve another chance and she deserves to be left alone to move on but it's tough to let go. All of this has really left me feeling like an asshole, and rightly so I'm sure you'll agree. I'm not happy with the person I am anymore. I don't feel I deserve anyone else and I need to start from scratch, take time off girls and relationships and try and build myself back up so I don't hurt anyone else but I'm struggling being on my own after having someone there for so long and I'm feeling depressed and apathetic about my life in general, something I'm not use to feeling and I don't really know where to go from here. I have 2 friends that I can usually talk to about anything but I'm afraid if I tell them every detail then they'll think less of me too. I'm lost and I don't know where to start to get past this and as I said, I have no one to blame but myself.

Azureus

I know you're not neccesarily looking for a response, ignore this if you want.
You do have nobody to blame but yourself but the fact that you know this / feel guilty etc means that you accept that and you really sound like you want to rectify it.

Thats refreshing, because there are a million guys out there who treat girls like crap and dont feel the slightest bit of remorse for it. By the sounds of it, you had a bit too much, too young and didnt know what you wanted. Yes you hurt some people along the way, and that sucks, but all you can do is move on and try and make amends.
If you still like your ex (genuinely, even if it is just as a friend rather than wanting a fail-safe fallback girl now that the others are out of the equation) then send her a message/email detailing how you feel and recognising how you acted. Dont mess her about, just be upfront about everything.

I was with a guy like this for a while and he screwed my head up. After all was said and done, we had a talk about everything and it really helped us get over eachother / all the misdemeanors. It might make you feel better aswell and clear your conscience. Dont beat yourself up too much about it, just dont do it again

Ellie2008

OP you sound quite young, Im a 28 year old f so Ill give you me two cents.

Couldnt agree with the above poster more you feel guilt which is deserved now acknowledge you have done wrong to yourself and forgive yourself, you have learned a life lesson and acknowledge something that I think a lot of guys you re age never would, so fair play. None of us are saints.