25 year age difference. Opinions...

baldbear

Hi guys!

My sister is in her late 20's and her boyfriend is in his early 50's and she is going out with him a year. They live abroad and i'm the only one in my family that has met the guy. He is a nice guy but i just think he is a bit too old. My sister knows the age thing will be a touchy subject but hasn't talked about it with me or my mother. I don't want to fall out with my sister over it because life is too short and he seems to be decent man compared to her last abusive boyfriend.

My mother knows there is an age difference and is fairly upset especially since other people knew his age before her and if they have kids he will be getting on a bit. We are all going to meet up very soon. So should we just all get along and not mention the fairly obvious age difference?

Does anyone have experience with such an age difference?? Sorry for the rant....;)

MadameCholet

baldbear wrote: »

Hi guys!

My sister is in her late 20's and her boyfriend is in his early 50's and she is going out with him a year. They live abroad and i'm the only one in my family that has met the guy. He is a nice guy but i just think he is a bit too old. My sister knows the age thing will be a touchy subject but hasn't talked about it with me or my mother. I don't want to fall out with my sister over it because life is too short and he seems to be decent man compared to her last abusive boyfriend.

My mother knows there is an age difference and is fairly upset especially since other people knew his age before her and if they have kids he will be getting on a bit. We are all going to meet up very soon. So should we just all get along and not mention the fairly obvious age difference?

Does anyone have experience with such an age difference?? Sorry for the rant....;)

He's only going to get older and the age gap will seem EVEN wider quite soon. Is she going to marry him? or is she just enjoying being treated very well!?

what is it about him that makes him attractive enough to her that she wants to DATE him? I mean I suppose he must be good company and she must see his good points, but wow, if she is going to end up marrying him that is .............. a big deal. I think if she's mature she should allow your mother to be upset!

Just read that her last bf was abusive. ah. Maybe she likes being treated really well, parented almost (apart from the sex ). Her last bf probably didn't value her at all, and maybe this guy feels sort of 'grateful'. Not grateful exactly but he must be aware that he is one of those rare men to actually get a gf half his age.

They can do what they like, but if they have a child he's going be in his 70s when the child hits 18

mlumley

bluewolf wrote: »

They can do what they like, but if they have a child he's going be in his 70s when the child hits 18

I am 60. Dont look it, but so what. My youngest is 7. We adore each other, and my other two, 13 & 16. Age means nothing. I still have a great time with my little one. Dont be so shallow, if they love each other, so f***ing what. My wife is 17 years younger than me.

CluelessGirl

You should be happy to see your sister so happy and you and your family should be supporting her.

Age is only a number.

My partner is 17 years older than me.

We have discussed the age gap on many levels and have concluded that as long as our relationship is honest and open and that we want the same things in life well then there is no problem.

My family absolutely adore my partner although they are more closer in age.

Don't ruin your sisters happiness just because your worried what the 'neighbours' may say.

mlumley

mlumley wrote: »

I am 60. Dont look it, but so what. My youngest is 7. We adore each other, and my other two, 13 & 16. Age means nothing. I still have a great time with my little one. Dont be so shallow, if they love each other, so f***ing what. My wife is 17 years younger than me.

Don't be so defensive. It's something to take into consideration is all. :rolleyes: I already said they can do as they like so stop calling me shallow, geez.

metrovelvet

Age does mean something until they develop cryogenics. Age means your kids wont have both their parents at their graduation or you see their grandkids. It means your 14 year old will be taking care of you when you die of cancer.

Give me a break.

_ariadne

well, lets assume he is 52, so half of that plus seven is ... 33. too bad, i guess it just isn't meant to be




leaving aside childish but funny rules, if she is happy i think you should be happy too, age can be a deal-breaker for some couples and completely irrelevant to others.

so yeah I wouldn't mention it, although i'm sure some people probably will.

Acoshla

My dad went out with a 21 year old when he was 50, they were together for about 4/5 years. As others have said it's not big deal at that stage, does your sister want to have kids in the future? I know of another couple with a similar but smaller age gap, she wanted kids, his own were grown and he didn't want more, it drove them apart eventually.

There's really only two reasons that an age gap that big mightn't work, kids and such separate ageing/life stages, but they are however two of the most major things in life. Maybe talk to your sister in private and casually, see if they have discussed these things or at the very least if she has given them some consideration, they might have talked about all of this and are fine with it, in which case I'd leave her at it, she's a grown up, it's up to her.

baldbear

Thanks for the advice everyone its good to hear from people i don't know.

I'm going to have a friendly chat with her and ask about kids and if theres a marriage possibility and tell her my worries. I was born myself when my dad was 53. He was a great dad a bit old fashioned but a decent man. He got cancer and me and my sister looked after him so we know the ins and outs of having a elderly parent.

i'll be happy for them as long as he doesn't mess her around.

Wibbs

More suited here.

Firetrap

To be honest, there's not a thing you can do. You might have reservations about your sister's partner but she's an adult and it is her choice. I'm sure she has thought about all the implications of being with someone much older but has chosen to stay with him. So really, it's between her and him. She'll not want you poking your nose into her business.

Fentdog84

You say your sister is late 20's which means she is surely old enough/mature enough to make her own mind on relationships? I would refrain from passing any comments to your sister about this and your mother should do the same. They are both adults and if they are happy together, you should be happy for them too.

Maybe she is attracted to older men. Some women are, i believe.

dory

The only thing you can do is support her. It's not like she's suddenly going to decide, after hearing your objections, that he is too old. It's been a year, she has probably do a lot of thinking about this herself. The more likely option here is that she would chose him over her family if she wanted to build a new family with him. So best to smile and support!

seamus

baldbear wrote: »

I don't want to fall out with my sister over it because life is too short and he seems to be decent man compared to her last abusive boyfriend.

So she's with a good man after what was presumably a bad period of her life. Why should age be a problem?

So should we just all get along and not mention the fairly obvious age difference?

You're family, you know how to speak to eachother. There's no need to avoid the age thing, but if you bring it up as a "bad thing", then she will immediately get defensive. You can tell her that you're concerned about the age difference, but at the end of the day if she's happy then you should be happy. So when she says, "It doesn't bother me", then accept that at face value, say "Grand", and move onto other things.

thecookingapple

Hey its really nice you are looking out for your sister, well done.

As for the age gap, well she is not a child anymore and is old enough to make her own decisions, just be supportive and be happy if it works out and supportive if it doesnt.

wishing you well.

LegacyUser

There was the same age difference between my grand parents. My grandmother was widowed at 37 years of age and had to raise 4 young kids on her own.

If she wants to get married and/or have kids I think it does matter. Even if she doesn't want kids and/or marriage she would find herself alone at quite a young age.

witchgirl26

To the OP - I agree with those that say that if you are concerned you should approach it with your sister but not in any way that could be deemed aggressive. Make sure she knows that you are happy that she is happy but that you need your worries for her put to rest.

That said there was a 16 year age gap between my parents & they were married 32 years (my dad sadly passed away). I do understand your concern but it is her life & if she really is happy and wants to continue the relationship (and understands the difficulties that may arise from it) then you should be happy for her.

metrovelvet wrote: »

Age does mean something until they develop cryogenics. Age means your kids wont have both their parents at their graduation or you see their grandkids. It means your 14 year old will be taking care of you when you die of cancer.
Give me a break.

It's not only age that does those things. I know people who's parents are much younger than mine who are facing the fact that one will not see any grandchildren etc. I'm not saying you shouldn't think about these things but average life expectancy for a man in Ireland is about 78 so he could be around for a while yet. I don't think it needs to be looked at so harshly. Yes the chances of losing a parent at a younger age increases with the age of the parent but should it stop two people in love being together if they've thought about it? No.

LegacyUser

OP, it's none of your business, and it's none of your mother's business either. Did you consult with your sister when selecting a boy/girlfriend?


Honestly, if the couple are happy, then that's all that matters.

baldbear

baldbear wrote: »

Does anyone have experience with such an age difference??

I have enough experience of it to know that there will always be people who have a problem with it. Any age gap at all will have someone complaining. The girls I am currently seeing are 24 and 30 and I am 32. I get told often enough that 8 years is too much.

The source of the issue is that people judge the relationships of others from what they themselves want or expect from a relationship. This is just not a useful or helpful way to go about things.

When getting into a relationship one must ask oneself what they want from life and from a relationship. They must then ask themselves if the attributes of the potential partner(s) fits with that or not… and where not are the issues in areas where compromise is possible or are they show stoppers. Age is just one of those factors that need to be considered.

We are the only ones who can do this for ourselves, not others. You sister has to do that for herself and then decide if the age difference is one that will negatively affect what she wants from that relationship or not.

As I said, the issue is that people know what they themselves want from a relationship… they know that for they themselves an age difference is an issue… and so when they see other couples with an age difference they butt their nose in to tell them what they are doing is somehow “wrong” or inadvisable.

All you should do for your sister is make sure she has done what I said above…. Asked herself what she wants from her life and her relationship…. And whether his age will negatively affect those hopes and dreams. If she says no, then all that is left for you and your family is to respect and support her decision.