is this worth saving?

14qgrctp8yfv60

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 12 years, we live together and have 2 children. We have our ups and downs like any relationship I don't want to discuss this with my friends as I don't want them to know we are in trouble.
We started going out at 19 and had our daughter 4 yrs later the same time we bought our home. A few years after this I did ask him if we would ever get married and more or less cornered him into buying an engagement ring, he did not propose or even seem too bothered about the whole engagement but I thought that was just a man thing. Then as 2 years passed I again pushed the point about getting married and picked a date and agreed we'd save towards this. Unfortunately he lost his job the following year. He opted to go back to college. Not that I ever demanded a big wedding just wanted to have our special day, I thought maybe we could do something with some of the redundancy but no first on his list was a better car, then what was left was kept by him.
There were other things going on for me at the time with work (I changed to a new role and felt abit lost) also my sister was going through a severe mental breakdown. Anyway I was driving his new car and I just remember thinking about work and next thing the car was spinning out of control and hit the ditch. Well I was shaken but ok the car was a write off and bf kept insisting that I admit I was speeding. I was annoyed. The insurance covered the car. Then 2 months later the night of his 30th we had a night out with a few others and I was very drunk and on the way home in the taxi bus I kissed one of the others sitting beside me. This is something which I deeply regret, never meant to happen and now it is thrown at me all the time. I know this was bad but surely not the worse on the infidelity scale??
The truth is now I am 30 with 2 kids going out with someone who has never really lived up to my expectations and I am paying all the mortg, bills, creche he just pays for groceries in this house and I feel more and more down as the weeks the go by. I've seen a counsellor but it's another expense I don't need. I would like the opinions from anyone who has worked through a troubled relationship please.

14qgrctp8yfv60

I love him since he is the father of my children - yes I am totally fed-up. Afraid of all that goes with ending this not sure if I'd be able to handle it.

Firetrap

If he wasn't the father of your children, what would you do, do you think?

Taltos

Mya White Production wrote: »

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 12 years, we live together and have 2 children. We have our ups and downs like any relationship...

So far this was great - describes many relationships - married or not...

Mya White Production wrote: »

I did ask him if we would ever get married and more or less cornered him into buying an engagement ring, he did not propose or even seem too bothered about the whole engagement but I thought that was just a man thing.

Alarm bells here.
Not at him not wanting to get married - and many people (not just men) feel like that - it is you here that has me worried - you cornered him...
Here it screams - you both want very different things from life. He wants a partner he can trust - you want the piece of paper...

Mya White Production wrote: »

...the redundancy but no first on his list was a better car, then what was left was kept by him.

You are right to be worried at this. As a partnership you should have factored into what he would do with the money. But you didn't say what it was - if it was for further education - then brilliant - if not the without knowing what hard to say...

Mya White Production wrote: »

I was very drunk and on the way home in the taxi bus I kissed one of the others sitting beside me. This is something which I deeply regret, never meant to happen and now it is thrown at me all the time. I know this was bad but surely not the worse on the infidelity scale??

2 things here.
1. For some of us who believe in trust and honest - there is no grey in infidelity...
2. However - if he committed to stay with you then how dare he keep using this to belittle you. Either he forgives you and moves on or he doesn't... I mean do you keep want to hearing about this kiss when you are in your 60s???

Mya White Production wrote: »

The truth is now I am 30 with 2 kids going out with someone who has never really lived up to my expectations and I am paying all the mortg, bills, creche he just pays for groceries in this house and I feel more and more down as the weeks the go by. I've seen a counsellor but it's another expense I don't need. I would like the opinions from anyone who has worked through a troubled relationship please.

Staying with someone out of fear what might come next is quite common - but think about this - will you be happy?
What happens as your kids grow up and move out?
Who will you turn to then?
Maybe - just maybe you would be happier alone for a while. Will it be tough? Yup damn right it will be. But if you have a sliver of hope of happiness then maybe...

Personally though I would try one last time - lay all your cards out. You both have to learn how to talk and listen.
Him not wanting to get married is just as valid as you wanting to get married - neither of you here are more in the right.
But - he has to let got of the kiss and if you cannot move past the marriage card then yes - you have to call it a day...

Smashhits

Mya White Production wrote: »

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 12 years, we live together and have 2 children. We have our ups and downs like any relationship I don't want to discuss this with my friends as I don't want them to know we are in trouble.
We started going out at 19 and had our daughter 4 yrs later the same time we bought our home. A few years after this I did ask him if we would ever get married and more or less cornered him into buying an engagement ring, he did not propose or even seem too bothered about the whole engagement but I thought that was just a man thing. Then as 2 years passed I again pushed the point about getting married and picked a date and agreed we'd save towards this. Unfortunately he lost his job the following year. He opted to go back to college. Not that I ever demanded a big wedding just wanted to have our special day, I thought maybe we could do something with some of the redundancy but no first on his list was a better car, then what was left was kept by him.
There were other things going on for me at the time with work (I changed to a new role and felt abit lost) also my sister was going through a severe mental breakdown. Anyway I was driving his new car and I just remember thinking about work and next thing the car was spinning out of control and hit the ditch. Well I was shaken but ok the car was a write off and bf kept insisting that I admit I was speeding. I was annoyed. The insurance covered the car. Then 2 months later the night of his 30th we had a night out with a few others and I was very drunk and on the way home in the taxi bus I kissed one of the others sitting beside me. This is something which I deeply regret, never meant to happen and now it is thrown at me all the time. I know this was bad but surely not the worse on the infidelity scale??
The truth is now I am 30 with 2 kids going out with someone who has never really lived up to my expectations and I am paying all the mortg, bills, creche he just pays for groceries in this house and I feel more and more down as the weeks the go by. I've seen a counsellor but it's another expense I don't need. I would like the opinions from anyone who has worked through a troubled relationship please.

Hi op i'm a bit concerned about the highlighted issue to be honest. You may not have married him but you have a house and family together, that in itself is a commitment and i feel he's acted very selfishly by not providing some of that money to his family.
The question i would ask (one which i had to ask myself quite recently) is if you took the kids out of the equation do you still want him, does he still want you? If the answer is yes great, fight for your relationship. If the answer is no, you then need to ask if you're willing to stay with someone just because of the kids, because they will grow up and it'll be just you and your partner again.
Either way it's your decision, i just want to let you know that others have done it and it's ok. Good luck.