Farmer meets city girl, can it be done?

LegacyUser

I'm a farmer and i'm dating a girl from dublin who works in fashion. She's beatiful and very trendy, always looks perfect. I'm getting worried about problems down the road. I know my family will be quiet wary of her, as she's a dub, and would never leave the house without make up. I don't know if she'd ever be willing to move down here, as with the farm i could never move there. She's used to vip sections of clubs and in my local whoever sits closest to the tv gets a smack across the head when someone wants the channel changed. She's always in heels whereas you'd never be without wellies here.

How will this ever work? Or should i just cut our losses now

Milky Moo

Every relationships has obstacles and I think for it to work there will have to be compromise. However I think it can be done!

Take me and my boyfriend for example.

I work in public relations I am used to mingling and starting conversation with people who I have absolutely nothing in common with. Whereas my boyf works in computers he is a personable guy but he hates that sort of thing it is his idea of hell.

It doesn't affect our relationship because we are love each other, our professions don't factor into that!

SATSUMA

Seeing as it's on your mind I think you should have a chat with her. If you are thinking that far ahead you probably love her so it would do no harm having a chat about things. It's not fair to be considering ending it without fully knowing where you both stand. You said you could never move away so it's clear that you have an expectation and this issue is non negotiable. She should know that too really.

Best of luck

Little Miss Lady

Being a woman I am sure she has thought about these things herself
Give it a chance, see how it goes, sometimes people get bored clubbing and going out all the time and if it comes to raising a family they like the settled country life

Have you seen her in any of these situations?

For all you know she might love the challenge of finding some trendy wellies, especially with all the festival ones coming out soon. Even if she doesn't warm to it at first, the only way of knowing how she'll fare is to give her the opportunity to try it. It's quite possible you always see her in heels because she's never has a reason not to wear them. I'm sure if you invited her for a long walk and a picnic in a field or something she wouldn't show up in her stilettos. Don't anticipate a bad reaction before you've seen it.

As for your family being wary of a dub, there'll always be a bit of tension when you bring a girl home, but whether it goes well or badly, everyone will be civil and polite to each other and worst case scenario, she doesn't want to spend holidays with your parents. Should it really determine whether you stay with her or not?

I'd say, take her out wellie shopping, maybe some shorts, long socks, raincoat, possibly some waterproof mascara if the budget will stretch, and give her the opportunity to surprise you.

purplekitty

i'm from dublin and my other half is from the country, and it works out just brilliant
out pet names for each other is
"town mouse" and "country mouse" like from that kids story.

i must admit when i do think his family are different from my family, just in taste in fashion, decoration of house, and stuff like that, but i dont think this is a generallised concept. i think my case is the exception rather then the norm.
just makes me think he's even more special and lovely and different

boomkatalog

I'm a country girl in a relationship with a Dub Kerry and Dublin, what a match! It's never been an issue (bar the distance obv), he slags my accent and talks about how superior Dublin is, I slag him about his D4 twang and his not understanding what its like to have no public transport or decent roads

Give it a go The only way it'd come between ye is if ye make an issue of it (he also mocks me for saying "ye" )

Best of luck

seachto7

OP, how did you meet out of curiosity?

common sense brigade

Im an ex city girl who was always in heels and makeup! I now live on an acre in co clare and my heels are now wellies (leopard print wellies). so it can work! talk to her. she prob knows as well as you do that there will be obstacles to overcome. It could well be that she dreams of country life, you just never know unless you ask.

mood

purplekitty wrote: »

i'm from dublin and my other half is from the country, and it works out just brilliant
out pet names for each other is
"town mouse" and "country mouse" like from that kids story.

i must admit when i do think his family are different from my family, just in taste in fashion, decoration of house, and stuff like that, but i dont think this is a generallised concept. i think my case is the exception rather then the norm.
just makes me think he's even more special and lovely and different

I don't really think the issue is that she is from Dublin and he is from the country. It is that he is a farmer who will never leave the farm and if they are to have a long term future she will have to move to his farm and leave her city life. It would be a major change of life style for her.

OP you need to talk to her about it and she/you needs to be realistic. A lot of people don't actually realise what life on a farm would really be like.

Morag

yes it possible and it can work.

http://marriedanirishfarmer.com/part-parcel/

mood

Sharrow wrote: »

yes it possible and it can work.

http://marriedanirishfarmer.com/part-parcel/

I'm sure it can but I think the girl needs to know what she is getting into. It's surprising what some people think the life of a farmer/farming family involves.

For example she may thing that they can go for a city break or weekend away when ever they fancy etc.

Would she be able to keep working in such a rural area and if not would she consider a career change?

Would the OP intend to build a house beside his parents?

There is a lot to take into account.

Emme

farmer brown wrote: »

I'm a farmer and i'm dating a girl from dublin who works in fashion. She's beatiful and very trendy, always looks perfect. I'm getting worried about problems down the road. I know my family will be quiet wary of her, as she's a dub, and would never leave the house without make up. I don't know if she'd ever be willing to move down here, as with the farm i could never move there. She's used to vip sections of clubs and in my local whoever sits closest to the tv gets a smack across the head when someone wants the channel changed. She's always in heels whereas you'd never be without wellies here.

How will this ever work? Or should i just cut our losses now

Hi OP, I grew up on a farm and understand your concern but lots of relationships like this work. If you intend getting serious you'll have to address the issues highlighted above.

Would she be willing to move to the farm with you and possibly commute daily to her job in the city? Farm life isn't always easy and a farmer's wife has to be willing to muck in and pull her weight in every way - having a job to bring in money, helping out on the farm when you're busy and running the home.

Could she see herself settling down and having a family in the country with you?

Your family will have to accept her if she's the girl you choose to spend your life with.

slowmoe

I think it depends on the dynamic of the relationship tbh.

Also have you genuinely thought about how much she will have to do for you for this to work and have you considered what you can do for her????

As mood pointed out hols with her oh will be out, she will probably need to switch jobs and as she's in fashion she might not be able to find employment in her field. She might have to change careers or remain unemployed. She will have to start making friends from scratch in an area she doesn't know, depending on how rural the area is, they cound all be the ops friends anyway and she'd only mett her oh's friends. She could be living next door to his parents and family for the rest of her life! She might be expected to work on the farm to some extent. Does the op cook and clean, or will they become her responsibilities too?

It seems like a lot of sacrifice for this girl to have to make for the relationship, while the ops life doesn't change at all, except for having his attractive girlfriend closer to him.

Hardly fair is it? So op i think you need to think long and hard about the sacrifices your gf will have to make and what you can do for her also to make the sacrifice more equal

slowmoe

Emme wrote: »

a farmer's wife has to be willing to muck in and pull her weight in every way - having a job to bring in money, helping out on the farm when you're busy and running the home.

No offense emme but why should this girl have to do this? Because he is a farmer doesn't mean that she automatically HAS to be, should they spend their lives together. Also running the home i think is an outdated concept that women don't have to do anymore. Again its not automatically the womans responsibilty once she becomes his wife. She is probably going to do her 40 odd hours working a week, i doubt he will be coming into her place of work giving a hand???

I think if the op expects the above then it probably can't work out. He can't expect her to sacrifice her entire life to facilitate his. Having a career to bring in money to the house, working on a farm, and being the sole maintainer of a house, when would she have a life???? Make friends, get to have a cup of tea, wash her hair, very simple things but with the schedule above it seems impossible.

thecookingapple

You maybe surprised, alot of so called glamorous and social people like nothing better than relaxing in track suit bottoms, hair unkempt, no make up and being with the one they love.

slowmoe

thecookingapple wrote: »

You maybe surprised, alot of so called glamorous and social people like nothing better than relaxing in track suit bottoms, hair unkempt, no make up and being with the one they love.

thats very true, but given that the girl being attractive is presumbaly one of the things he likes about her, would he be happy for the make up, nice clothes etc to disppear and be swapped for wellies and track suits?

I am a friend

Hmmm, well I have heard of similar stories and tbh, to date, none of them have worked out. In each case, the girl in question was well educated and had worked hard to get to where she is in her career…. It’s not normally an issue about the girl not wanting to give up her life in a city but more the fact that the same job is not normally available in rural areas and she was not suited to or interested in working on the farm full time.

There has also been, in both cases that I know directly, an issue from the farmers family with the girl. She was perfectly nice and perfectly dedicated to him but the attitude, normally from the mothers was ‘he walks up the aisle with a farm and walks down again with half’. In one case, the family had not yet decided who was getting the farm even though the bf was working on it full time and he refused to plan anything until the will was made… Overall, while the intention was good on both sides the b ig lifestyle leaps plus issues generated by the country in-laws (like that ‘she’s a dub’ attitude) broke them up.

goose2005

There's no reason why she would have to give up her job, even if you live far from Dublin there are other fashion jobs in the other cities. If she's dating you she must like you and if your family don't like her, that's their problem.

I am a friend

goose2005 wrote: »

If she's dating you she must like you and if your family don't like her, that's their problem.

That doesnt typically work esp when extended family members are all building on sites on the land. They tend to be your next door neighbours.

thecookingapple

Sorry should have specified, i dont mean she wants to turn into a couch potato, but am sure she may not feel the need to ble glamorous 24/7, that she can manage both worlds.

mood

goose2005 wrote: »

There's no reason why she would have to give up her job, even if you live far from Dublin there are other fashion jobs in the other cities. If she's dating you she must like you and if your family don't like her, that's their problem.

But the farm could be no where near a large town or city. She could be faced with a two hour commute each way, five days a week. If she is a fashion buyer for BTs for example (which would probable be a very good, high paid job) would she be willing to give it up to be a shop assistant in the local clothes shop that caters for 80 year olds!

Emme

slowmoe wrote: »

She is probably going to do her 40 odd hours working a week, i doubt he will be coming into her place of work giving a hand???

That would add up to more than 40 hours a week if she's commuting. OK, a farmer usually wouldn't go into his wife's workplace to help out unless her work is tied up with his - say a wife has a cheesemaking business on a dairy farm worked by her husband.

I'm going by what I've seen of contemporary farmer's wives. It depends on the farmer as well. An intensive tillage farmer with a lot of machinery might not expect his wife to come out onto the farm and start messing with a lot of very technical equipment but a dairy or sheep farmer might expect his wife to help out.

With the latter farms there are cows to be milked and calved in calving season. Lambing season on sheep farms can be bedlam and it's all hands on deck, you just can't not get involved. In both scenarios the farmer would be getting up in the middle of the night to check on livestock.

slowmoe wrote: »

I think if the op expects the above then it probably can't work out. He can't expect her to sacrifice her entire life to facilitate his. Having a career to bring in money to the house, working on a farm, and being the sole maintainer of a house, when would she have a life???? Make friends, get to have a cup of tea, wash her hair, very simple things but with the schedule above it seems impossible.

Some farmers, even younger ones, are very traditional and would be accustomed to their mothers doing all the housework and might take time to get used to the idea of helping the wife out in the house. Add in the fact that farm incomes aren't always great so there's a necessity for the wife to have a career and bring in some money. If the farmer and his wife are living near his parents and his parents are elderly or in poor health then the wife might be expected to lend a hand in caring for them.

I have seen women in my family (mostly farmers) sacrifice their entire lives for their husbands and families. Some of them haven't been on holidays for years and are worn out from working. The younger generation have tried to live a more balanced life and get away, but the current economic situation might put an end to that.

Somebody mentioned the fact that a farmer's extended family (parents and siblings) see marriage as a threat to the family holding. Recently young farmers have lobbied for pre-nups to be given legal status here because the farm represents the toil and sacrifice of generations.

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/independent-woman/love-sex/young-farmers-want-prenups-2599937.html

I'm telling it like it is, being married to a farmer isn't all flowery wellies and fresh country air and anyway country air is often tinged with slurry. I have nothing against farmers and country life but it's romanticised too often these days. Farmers parents can be notoriously controlling with regard to property and other issues, and because of the nature of farming and how it's tied into the family holding it's not always possible to get away from controlling family members, particularly if a farmer has made a commitment to stay on the family farm and not move away.

Distorted

OP - lots of people work in the city when they are young and single, because they have no other choice if they want to be successful. Many of them long to live in the countryside, if they had funds to do so. Particularly those into horses and gardening. I suggest you do invite her down and then you will know from her reaction whether its a goer. You might be pleasantly surprised.

irishh_bob

farmer brown wrote: »

I'm a farmer and i'm dating a girl from dublin who works in fashion. She's beatiful and very trendy, always looks perfect. I'm getting worried about problems down the road. I know my family will be quiet wary of her, as she's a dub, and would never leave the house without make up. I don't know if she'd ever be willing to move down here, as with the farm i could never move there. She's used to vip sections of clubs and in my local whoever sits closest to the tv gets a smack across the head when someone wants the channel changed. She's always in heels whereas you'd never be without wellies here.

How will this ever work? Or should i just cut our losses now

apart from the fact that i cant for the life of me figure out what a sexy model would see in a farmer , fair play to you man , sounds like a fairytale so i doubt it will last but enjoy it while it lasts

irishh_bob

Emme wrote: »

That would add up to more than 40 hours a week if she's commuting. OK, a farmer usually wouldn't go into his wife's workplace to help out unless her work is tied up with his - say a wife has a cheesemaking business on a dairy farm worked by her husband.

I'm going by what I've seen of contemporary farmer's wives. It depends on the farmer as well. An intensive tillage farmer with a lot of machinery might not expect his wife to come out onto the farm and start messing with a lot of very technical equipment but a dairy or sheep farmer might expect his wife to help out.

With the latter farms there are cows to be milked and calved in calving season. Lambing season on sheep farms can be bedlam and it's all hands on deck, you just can't not get involved. In both scenarios the farmer would be getting up in the middle of the night to check on livestock.



Some farmers, even younger ones, are very traditional and would be accustomed to their mothers doing all the housework and might take time to get used to the idea of helping the wife out in the house. Add in the fact that farm incomes aren't always great so there's a necessity for the wife to have a career and bring in some money. If the farmer and his wife are living near his parents and his parents are elderly or in poor health then the wife might be expected to lend a hand in caring for them.

I have seen women in my family (mostly farmers) sacrifice their entire lives for their husbands and families. Some of them haven't been on holidays for years and are worn out from working. The younger generation have tried to live a more balanced life and get away, but the current economic situation might put an end to that.

Somebody mentioned the fact that a farmer's extended family (parents and siblings) see marriage as a threat to the family holding. Recently young farmers have lobbied for pre-nups to be given legal status here because the farm represents the toil and sacrifice of generations.

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/independent-woman/love-sex/young-farmers-want-prenups-2599937.html

I'm telling it like it is, being married to a farmer isn't all flowery wellies and fresh country air and anyway country air is often tinged with slurry. I have nothing against farmers and country life but it's romanticised too often these days. Farmers parents can be notoriously controlling with regard to property and other issues, and because of the nature of farming and how it's tied into the family holding it's not always possible to get away from controlling family members, particularly if a farmer has made a commitment to stay on the family farm and not move away.

excellent post , while the present generation of young farmers might be reasobabley progressive , the previous generation are incredibly selfish and narrow minded , the farm is everything and they will be hostile to the notion of thier son marrying what they see as an alien outsider with no concept of farming life , it would be a massive culture shock for the urban , glamorous young lady , farm life while decent and honorable is anything but glamorous or sophisticated , chalk and cheese which is why i think the OP should enjoy it while it lasts , he wil be a legend in his locality for having bagged a catwalk queen for years to come

mood

irishh_bob wrote: »

apart from the fact that i cant for the life of me figure out what a sexy model would see in a farmer , fair play to you man , sounds like a fairytale so i doubt it will last but enjoy it while it lasts

Working in fashion does not mean she is a model! She could be a make-up artist, fashion buyer, fashion designer...

OP has she visited where you live? If you spend time together where you live she will get a feel for the place. It make put her off or it may not. You'll have to try.

Firetrap

How about putting out some discreet feelers about where she might see things going? You're assuming a lot here, such as that your family won't like her, that she won't fit in and that she wants to continue in her current job. I would hope that you're going out with her not just because she's pretty but because she's a nice person. If she is the right person for you, she'll happily sit in the local and will get on great with most people. I'm sure she too is wondering where things might be going. Talk to her.

metrovelvet

My understanding of things is being a farmers wife is a bit like being a vicar's wife, in that you take on their vocation too.

The home is part of the farm, and extension of the farm, etc and they expect the wife to run it, and are scared of losing it so they will want a woman who has a tyically Irish farmer attitude to farming and the land itself.

LegacyUser

slowmoe wrote: »

It seems like a lot of sacrifice for this girl to have to make for the relationship, while the ops life doesn't change at all, except for having his attractive girlfriend closer to him.

I guess this hit a cord. Will try get through all the points below....

As irish bob said, yes i have become a bit of a legend for having this girl as my gf, which i love obviously! But i also love her, and she loves me. I guess i had looked at this situation as being 50/50 for us but i suppose i'm only getting benefits while she's losing a lot.

She has been down to where i live and liked it, she helped out a little on the farm, made my dinners etc but i don't think she would be happy to change her life into making my dinner, and i can't cook.

I have already built a house one min away from my parents, and my siblings have all built on the land too.

I live about 1hr 45 mins away from dublin, i don't know if she would commute. She can't drive (how come a lot of dubs can't drive). On public transport it would take about 2 1/2 hours. She wouldn't be able to get the same type of job outside of dublin and her emplyer was talking to her about promotion opportunities in London. I'd be happy for her to move down and i would support her, and she might be happier then cooking and doing a bit around the farm.

She was a bit taken aback when she met some of the locals with how blatant and crude they were. She would be quite high class and into the whole etiqette thing.

where does the woman who sent that blog live? i might invite her over to talk to my gf!!!

i already know my parents don't like her. They haven't actually said it but they've ignored her at weddings and in the local. They don't actually know her so the only things i can think of are that they don't want her due to farm and that they're suspicious because she looks after her appearance.

She does like horses, but i don't want to get one!!!

She also likes shopping and spas etc of which there isn't much around here. And if she was going shopping or to spa's there would be a lot said about it so its just as well there isn't any.

A part of why i love her is her appearance, she's very attractive but i love how well she takes care of herself. I love the hair and make up and high heels and dresses, i really don't like it when she wears jeans (which isn't often, just around the farm). I love her obviously but its just something extra in her that i adore. I wouldn't like her to be like any other woman and stop looking after themselves once they've got their man.

slowmoe

I think the point is the op wants to change everything about his gf except the way she looks for them to stay together....:rolleyes:

Op if this girl gives up her job, works on your farm and you pay her way, then its not you supporting her, she will actually be your employee, working her own way.You can't expect her to take up farm work in stilettos and perfect hair and make up and cute dresses, thats insane.You can't expect this girl to be your carer, to cook and clean after you. Its quite unreasonable and if she wanted to do it, would be her choice.

I'm living in Dublin and i have never gone to any bf's place of work to help out. Just because you have a farm doesn't make this different, its your place of work. She has her own work and seems to be working hard if she's being offered international promotions. Tbh this is starting to read to me like how do i make my pretty glam gf give up a great job that she's worked hard at, give up her friends, her home to move in with me to cook and clean and work on my farm and be ignored by my family????

Also i'm quite horrified that you haven't confronted your family over their treatment of her, ignoring her at weddings, etc??? Thats humilating the poor girl, which you should be standing up to your parents over. If you love this girl you need to start thinking of her as an equal, and not as your slave.

Good luck

mood

farmer brown wrote: »

I guess this hit a cord. Will try get through all the points below....

As irish bob said, yes i have become a bit of a legend for having this girl as my gf, which i love obviously! But i also love her, and she loves me. I guess i had looked at this situation as being 50/50 for us but i suppose i'm only getting benefits while she's losing a lot.

She has been down to where i live and liked it, she helped out a little on the farm, made my dinners etc but i don't think she would be happy to change her life into making my dinner, and i can't cook.

I have already built a house one min away from my parents, and my siblings have all built on the land too.

I live about 1hr 45 mins away from dublin, i don't know if she would commute. She can't drive (how come a lot of dubs can't drive). On public transport it would take about 2 1/2 hours. She wouldn't be able to get the same type of job outside of dublin and her emplyer was talking to her about promotion opportunities in London. I'd be happy for her to move down and i would support her, and she might be happier then cooking and doing a bit around the farm.

She was a bit taken aback when she met some of the locals with how blatant and crude they were. She would be quite high class and into the whole etiqette thing.

where does the woman who sent that blog live? i might invite her over to talk to my gf!!!

i already know my parents don't like her. They haven't actually said it but they've ignored her at weddings and in the local. They don't actually know her so the only things i can think of are that they don't want her due to farm and that they're suspicious because she looks after her appearance.

She does like horses, but i don't want to get one!!!

She also likes shopping and spas etc of which there isn't much around here. And if she was going shopping or to spa's there would be a lot said about it so its just as well there isn't any.

A part of why i love her is her appearance, she's very attractive but i love how well she takes care of herself. I love the hair and make up and high heels and dresses, i really don't like it when she wears jeans (which isn't often, just around the farm). I love her obviously but its just something extra in her that i adore. I wouldn't like her to be like any other woman and stop looking after themselves once they've got their man.

But you could learn to cook if you wanted to. Who cooks for you normally? Your mother I suspect!

That commute would be a lot longer when you take rush hour traffic into account.

The blog woman - she is American and in Kerry I think. I heard her on the radio once.

Do your parents honestly expect you to never get married because of the farm! They sound horrible and rude.

You expect her to totally change her life and you wouldn't even consider getting a horse to make it easier for her or to make her happy! That is very selfish.

It sounds like you are mainly with her because of her looks! That is very shallow. Looks fade. Considering she would find it hard to go for facials, to the hairdressers and even shopping you have to be realistic... it won't be as easy for her to maintain her looks. And also bear in mind that having children can have a major effect on a womans body. A lot of women never get their figure back despite major efforts. Would you still love her if you see her in jeans and wellies every day and if her body changes due to having children?

mood

OP how long are you together and how often do you see each other?

Morag

Lots of people in dublin don't drive because they dont' need to and the cost of keeping and running a car is far more then the cost of buses and the occasional taxi.

mood

farmer brown wrote: »

I'd be happy for her to move down and i would support her, and she might be happier then cooking and doing a bit around the farm.

I am guessing you have no idea how much she spends on her appearance. Spas etc are extremely expensive!

slowmoe

mood wrote: »

I am guessing you have no idea how much she spends on her appearance. Spas etc are extremely expensive!

Lol!!!!

Guys tend to think it takes 2 mins in the morning to get ready and everything comes out of tesco's special offers, i guess he thinks its ten euro or so!

Emme

farmer brown wrote: »

I guess this hit a cord. Will try get through all the points below....

As irish bob said, yes i have become a bit of a legend for having this girl as my gf, which i love obviously! But i also love her, and she loves me. I guess i had looked at this situation as being 50/50 for us but i suppose i'm only getting benefits while she's losing a lot.

That's how it would be if she moved her life to be with you and you didn't make any compromises.

farmer brown wrote: »

She has been down to where i live and liked it, she helped out a little on the farm, made my dinners etc but i don't think she would be happy to change her life into making my dinner, and i can't cook.

She seems willing to compromise, she helped out on the farm even though she is a city girl AND she cooked for you. You can't cook so if she were with you full time she would have to cook all the time and help out on the farm as well. Would this be fair on her?

farmer brown wrote: »

I have already built a house one min away from my parents, and my siblings have all built on the land too.

In a situation like this it would be mandatory for her to get on with your family - that works both ways, both sides have to make an effort.

farmer brown wrote: »

I live about 1hr 45 mins away from dublin, i don't know if she would commute. She can't drive (how come a lot of dubs can't drive). On public transport it would take about 2 1/2 hours.

Quite a few Dublin people can't drive, I suppose they have the option of public transport, walking or a taxi. As a country bred person I know that you have to be able to drive in the country, life is really restricted if you can't. This girl is used to her freedom and if she is in a remote area and is dependent on others to drive her it would be very frustrating for her. How far are you from the nearest bus/train station? If she doesn't drive you would have to drive her to and from the station every day if she were commuting to work. That might be a small inconvenience for you but for her that's 5 hours commuting a day (25 hours a week) which would be exhausting for her. Then she'd have to make dinner for you and do the house.

farmer brown wrote: »

She wouldn't be able to get the same type of job outside of dublin and her emplyer was talking to her about promotion opportunities in London. I'd be happy for her to move down and i would support her, and she might be happier then cooking and doing a bit around the farm.

That would be a huge lifestyle change for her, particularly if she can't drive. I grew up on a farm, know the full story and saw my mother, aunts and cousins work themselves to the bone almost 24/7 for little or no thanks. I was expected to marry a farmer and do the same. I didn't and certain people in the locality think I'm above myself because of it. Ironically enough I still love the country, horses and farming but I just wanted to earn my own money and have some freedom because of the way the women in my family were treated on farms. I'm afraid that if I were advising the girl I'd tell her to go to London. Sorry OP.:(

farmer brown wrote: »

She was a bit taken aback when she met some of the locals with how blatant and crude they were. She would be quite high class and into the whole etiqette thing.

Imagine her trying to adjust to this full-time.

farmer brown wrote: »

where does the woman who sent that blog live? i might invite her over to talk to my gf!!!

I think that girl lives in Limerick, her blog is on the internet, there's a link to it in this thread. Talking to her and her husband would be a good idea. Their lifestyle and expectations may be different to yours. Farmers differ - some are very high-tech and sophisticated, others are more traditional. You would know which category you fall into.

farmer brown wrote: »

i already know my parents don't like her. They haven't actually said it but they've ignored her at weddings and in the local. They don't actually know her so the only things i can think of are that they don't want her due to farm and that they're suspicious because she looks after her appearance.

That is extremely rude on the part of your family and if you're not willing to challenge them on it this girl should run! How dare they ignore her!:eek: I know this attitude only too well. Even girls who are very pretty without any effort can fall foul of it - it's as if you look good you're seen as less durable, less worthy and less likely to produce strong sons for the land!:mad: I can't believe that you would expect this girl to live a minute from your parents if they treat her like this! John B Keane couldn't make it up!

farmer brown wrote: »

She does like horses, but i don't want to get one!!!!!!

That's a pity because a shared love of horses would have helped her adjust to country life in a big way. However, I get where you're coming from. I grew up on a small farm in a horsy county but we didn't have horses, we were too poor! I got very into horseriding when I left home because I love horses. However, when the family found out they thought I was getting above myself.:rolleyes:

farmer brown wrote: »

She also likes shopping and spas etc of which there isn't much around here. And if she was going shopping or to spa's there would be a lot said about it so its just as well there isn't any.

If she isn't earning her money she couldn't afford shopping or spas. And if she's spending 25 hours commuting to earn a crust she wouldn't have time for shopping or spas.

That's bad enough, but your last statement "there would be a lot said about it so it's just as well there isn't any????" WHO would talk about it and what business of theirs is it anyway? It seems to me like you would try to control this girl if she spent her life with you.

farmer brown wrote: »

A part of why i love her is her appearance, she's very attractive but i love how well she takes care of herself. I love the hair and make up and high heels and dresses, i really don't like it when she wears jeans (which isn't often, just around the farm). I love her obviously but its just something extra in her that i adore..

When I go down to the country I don't wear high heels and dresses like I do sometimes in Dublin. I might wear a small bit of make-up in the local pub, but high heels and dresses don't go down well there so I go very casual, nearly always jeans. I'd imagine that your girlfriends stands out quite a bit when she visits you in the country. That wouldn't work if she was down there full time. Is it HER you like, or how she looks? Be honest with yourself OP. If you don't like it when she wears jeans (in the country :rolleyes:) then you're being totally unrealistic.

farmer brown wrote: »

I wouldn't like her to be like any other woman and stop looking after themselves once they've got their man.

You're asking the impossible of her. She has the choice of either being a stay at home wife working on the farm and in the home where dressing up isn't an option or doing an exhausting 25 hour commute every week which would leave her little time to look after herself. Eitherways she'd probably be doing all the housework. She'd be so busy running around barely have time to shower and wash her hair, let alone anything else.

If she had no money of her own how could she afford to look after her appearance to the degree she does now? You said earlier that it was just as well there were no shopping or spas around for her on account of what people would say. So how is she to look after herself for you as well as run the home, help you on the farm and possibly commute to work? Would you allow her to sleep?

This is why so many country girls, even though they love the country and farming life, are reluctant to marry farmers which is a shame as farmers are often the most honest and straight guys you could meet.

OP, I'm sorry, but I don't think you and this GF have a long-term future unless you both make some serious compromises, and given the circumstances the best option would be for her to take up the promotion in London.

irishh_bob

slowmoe wrote: »

I think the point is the op wants to change everything about his gf except the way she looks for them to stay together....:rolleyes:

Op if this girl gives up her job, works on your farm and you pay her way, then its not you supporting her, she will actually be your employee, working her own way.You can't expect her to take up farm work in stilettos and perfect hair and make up and cute dresses, thats insane.You can't expect this girl to be your carer, to cook and clean after you. Its quite unreasonable and if she wanted to do it, would be her choice.

I'm living in Dublin and i have never gone to any bf's place of work to help out. Just because you have a farm doesn't make this different, its your place of work. She has her own work and seems to be working hard if she's being offered international promotions. Tbh this is starting to read to me like how do i make my pretty glam gf give up a great job that she's worked hard at, give up her friends, her home to move in with me to cook and clean and work on my farm and be ignored by my family????

Also i'm quite horrified that you haven't confronted your family over their treatment of her, ignoring her at weddings, etc??? Thats humilating the poor girl, which you should be standing up to your parents over. If you love this girl you need to start thinking of her as an equal, and not as your slave.

Good luck

confronting parents when they are farmers is a whole different ball game , i sympathise with the OP in this regard , thier are no parents on the planet who can play the guilt trip or press buttons like farmer parents

look at all you have coming to you

your grandfather would be disgusted , he didnt break his back building up this farm for some blow in from dublin to take off with a lump of it

what will the parish priest think of you and your fancy woman from the city

is the kind of thing the OP would be listening to for the rest of his life

mood

irishh_bob wrote: »

confronting parents when they are farmers is a whole different ball game , i sympathise with the OP in this regard , thier are no parents on the planet who can play the guilt trip or press buttons like farmer parents

look at all you have coming to you

your grandfather would be disgusted , he didnt break his back building up this farm for some blow in from dublin to take off with a lump of it

what will the parish priest think of you and your fancy woman from the city

is the kind of thing the OP would be listening to for the rest of his life

So what is he meant to do? Marry someone local who is a distant relative!

His parents will need to accept who ever he ends up with.

Ilph

So basically the OP:

- Wants a Maid to fetch his slippers and cook his dinner.
- Wants a farm hand to boss around.
- Wants to change the girl completely (aka, turn her into a meek country girl).
- Wants to control her do she only does what HE wants.
- Wants her to lose her independence by quitting her job.
- Wants her to do all the chores in dresses because HE doesn't like jeans.
- Wants her to stay at home all the time, like a PRISONER!
- Wants her to do everything for him but IS NOT WILLING TO DO ANYTHING FOR HER!

Some advice for the OP:

- Get out of the 12th Century. Women aren't objects or possessions for you to boss about anymore.
- Give up the girl unless you have some sick perversion about making women miserable.
- Get a local girl that fits your expectations.

If I were your GF, I would have kicked your privates and told you to take a hike the minute you suggested I should lose everything to become your maid. :mad:

Emme

mood wrote: »

So what is he meant to do? Marry someone local who is a distant relative!.

Possibly, and if they're a nurse, teacher, estate agent or solicitor that would help :rolleyes:

mood wrote: »

His parents will need to accept who ever he ends up with.

Unfortunately the OP's parents don't seem like they will, and as they live next door to him and his siblings are also on the land he's in a difficult situation. It's likely that the farm is still in their name and they could well disinherit the OP if he marries somebody they don't like.

slowmoe

I think its a really sad day when people in their own country are under too much social pressure to have a relationship work. Would make you worry for what it must be like for people who have a lot more distance between them.

Irish bob the ops parents have ignored the ops gf at several events, in front of the whole community and the rest of his family and friends. You say he can't speak to his parents to resolve the issue so what do you think should happen here? Is the gf supposed to put up with this humiliation for the rest of her life?

If anyone from my ohs family or friends publicly ignored me then i would be expecting a full apology from them or i would not be seeing them again and i know my oh wouldn't allow me to be treated like that. This girl would have to live next to her oh's parents and would be constantly subjected to this but the op doesn't seem to see a problem with that? Disgraceful

mood

Emme wrote: »

Possibly, and if they're a nurse, teacher, estate agent or solicitor that would help :rolleyes:



Unfortunately the OP's parents don't seem like they will, and as they live next door to him and his siblings are also on the land he's in a difficult situation. It's likely that the farm is still in their name and they could well disinherit the OP if he marries somebody they don't like.

But he could at least try to reason with them! He doesn't seem to be even willing to try.

Emme

Ilph wrote: »

So basically the OP:

- Wants a Maid to fetch his slippers and cook his dinner.
- Wants a farm hand to boss around.
- Wants to change the girl completely (aka, turn her into a meek country girl).
- Wants to control her do she only does what HE wants.
- Wants her to lose her independence by quitting her job.
- Wants her to do all the chores in dresses because HE doesn't like jeans.
- Wants her to stay at home all the time, like a PRISONER!
- Wants her to do everything for him but IS NOT WILLING TO DO ANYTHING FOR HER!

Some advice for the OP:

- Get out of the 12th Century. Women aren't objects or possessions for you to boss about anymore.
- Give up the girl unless you have some sick perversion about making women miserable.
- Get a local girl that fits your expectations.

If I were your GF, I would have kicked your privates and told you to take a hike the minute you suggested I should lose everything to become your maid. :mad:

That's harsh. The OP is in a difficult situation and is a little bit out of touch with reality but he likes the girl he's with. Maybe he is willing to compromise to be with her.

mood

Emme wrote: »

That's harsh. The OP is in a difficult situation and is a little bit out of touch with reality but he likes the girl he's with. Maybe he is willing to compromise to be with her.

But is he willing to accept that because of the major lifestyle change etc that she can't maintain the looks the way she does now? It would be totally unreasonable for him to expect to continue looking the way she does if she has no job, has no money to spend in spas/hairdressers, is expected to work on the farm etc.

Emme

mood wrote: »

But he could at least try to reason with them! He doesn't seem to be even willing to try.

That's easier said than done. I grew up surrounded by people like this, I know them inside out. The sad thing is that guys like this often only wake up when their parents are gone and they're a lot older themselves. However, I notice that things aren't so bleak for farmers in this situation than it was a generation ago, many of them go to the Phillippines or Thailand and get a girl from there who's young enough to have a family with them. However, they would have spent a lot of time alone in the intervening period and many of them don't have many years left with their wives. The winners here are the Filipina/Thai girls who inherit the farm when they are widowed after a relatively short time.

With so many Irish women single and looking for decent men this situation is sad. Farmers are more decent and honest than a lot of other men and if only they or their families would compromise they could make a lot of women happy.

If the law in Ireland were changed so that pre-nups were recognised and enforceable perhaps more farmers would have the chance to marry and their families wouldn't be as suspicious of the women they choose.

Ilph

Emme wrote: »

That's harsh. The OP is in a difficult situation and is a little bit out of touch with reality but he likes the girl he's with. Maybe he is willing to compromise to be with her.

Harsh as it may be (I'm a very blunt person, so there you have it), he needs a slap to wake up from his dream.

He's expecting a working, metropolitan girl to give up everything and become his maid, doing his every bidding.

He sounds like he's infatuated by her looks and by how she is as well as with the fact that he's dating a "city girl". At the same time, he wants her to give up everything that she is to be with him. That alone, would change who she is and how she looks.

She would end up being miserable and leave him at some point. This wouldn't be fair on her or him for that matter.

He should let her go and get a local girl, who would most likely live up to his expectations of what a wife should be.
His own family doesn't accept her and I suspect that it isn't just a matter of not liking her, but trying to give him signs that this girl is not fit for him and that he should move on.

mood

Emme I am from a country area and know exactly what is involved in farming life. I know young farmers who have married and their parents appear to have accepted their choice for non farming & non professional women.

The OP needs to grow a backbone and talk to his parents.

Emme

mood wrote: »

Emme I am from a country area and know exactly what is involved in farming life. I know young farmers who have married and their parents appear to have accepted their choice for non farming & non professional women.

The OP needs to grow a backbone and talk to his parents.

I agree, and the fact that he allowed a situation where his parents ignored the girl at weddings and in the local pub doesn't bode well. I really think that the girl concerned would be better to pursue her career and take the promotion in London, she needs to have her doors opened and horizons broadened, not to be stifled.

Ilph

Emme wrote: »

I agree, and the fact that he allowed a situation where his parents ignored the girl at weddings and in the local pub doesn't bode well. I really think that the girl concerned would be better to pursue her career and take the promotion in London, she needs to have her doors opened and horizons broadened, not to be stifled.

I couldn't agree more.

Ickle Magoo

Ilph wrote: »

If I were your GF, I would have kicked your privates...

You can offer the OP some constructive advice without having to resort to hysterics or pointless conjecture about violent conduct should you have been his girlfriend - which really isn't helpful.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.