Why is it so difficult for boyfriend to say the L word?

LegacyUser

Long time poster but going anonymous. I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful, caring boyfriend who is an absolute gem & a fantastic father to our one year old child. We've been together over 3 years. For work reasons he lives in Dublin and commutes home every weekend (my child and I are based in the north west). He's very loving and i'm whisked away on surprise romantic trips regularly, as well as cooking me meals, buying me presents, family days out with our child.

He's everything I would ever look for in a partner and we have already made plans for our child to attend school in his home village in the future as well as building a home on a site, once he's finished his time in dublin (in three to four years). However, as loving as he is, he has only ever issued the 'l word' once in 3 years and that's with me saying it first and him initially being lost for words before saying it back to me a few hours later.

Since that i've been too mortified to say it to him again, and too mortified to bring up the conversation. I'm attractive and loving and I know that he finds me attractive and sexy, yet very rarely will pay me a compliment other than 'you look nice'. I think partly it's due to the fact that his family is all boys (5 of them!). I'd love some advice on this, we both love each other but why are some men scared of the love word??

Oryx

He's perfect, youve said so above. He shows you he loves you in so many ways. You really dont need him to tell you. But I get that its important for you to hear it, it just seems its something he is either embarrassed about, or very unused to.

If you have an issue with him not saying he loves you, then tell him that it means a lot to you to hear it. He probably has no idea that it does.

You have had a child with this guy and yet you are mortified to have an honest and intimate conversation with him. And you call him scared.

The first step here has to come from you. Open up and tell him what youve said here.

Neyite

A friend of mine had a 'code' - 3 squeezes of the other persons hand meaning I-Love-You. Its discreet and easy to do.It was something she started with her parents who would not be too good at saying it. Before long they were squeezing back and after a while, they felt comfortable expressing it verbally. When on of her parents was dying and could not speak anymore it was the last thing they 'said' to their family before they passed away.

Could you teach it your child to show her dad too and have it as a fun family secret code? its also good when kids get older and you can reassure them about something in public in a private way without them looking uncool

I agree with the other posters - he sounds very loving, and you are a lucky lady.

Kidchameleon

My mam has never said she loved me in my 29 years, yet I know she does. She doesn't need to say it for me to know it, she shows me in every way...

AnonMous

Hey Op,

Your boyfriend sounds like a great catch. All i'd say is that actions speak louder than words and his actions definitely indicate that he loves you very much :-)

Still, I know it is nice to hear those 3 words so maybe you should have a chat to him and let him know how you're feeling :-)

Some guys just don't think to. Women are generally far more vocal about their feelings than men are. When a woman is happy/sad/scared/in love, she is more likely to want to vocalise it than a man is. This may or may not be the situation in your case. Either way, he does lots to show you he loves you, so I'm sure that if you let him know that you like hearing it, he'd make an effort to remember.

C-J

I definitely agree with all the above, i think that love is definitely assumed by his actions rather than words. Very lucky lady

LegacyUser

He whisks you away on romantic weekends, is a fantastic dad, cooks& buys you thoughtful presents.....there is no question but that he loves you. He is, effectively(albeit non-verbally!)shouting it from the rooftops.
Don't get hung up on 3 little words. Sometimes it's as simple as the way someone looks at you, or listens to you. The very fact you have discussed your future is a massive sign of stability& love. Enjoy, girl!

LegacyUser

So, let me see if I have this straight. Your OP doesn't say I love you, but then neither do you say it to him?

Do you think he might also find it strange that you don't say I love you? I could imagine his post being something like:

"So I have this amazing gf and we have a wonderful child together. It's so hard because during the week I have to work away, but she does a terrific job of raising our child. I shower her with gifts and little trips away when we can, and generally try to do everything I can to make her happy. But in the three years we have been together, she has only ever told me that she loves me once. The one time she told me, I reacted kind of badly because I was caught off guard, but since then she's never said it again".

OP - it's simply a matter of communication. You want to hear the words, I'm sure he wouldn't mind hearing the words - you just need to tell him! My partner can barely leave the room without telling me - and if a few hours go by without him saying something, it would be because his tongue was cut out!! Even though he shows me, it is so nice to have the words whispered in my ear.

Just talk to your bf and remember to shower your child with lots of I love yous too! (I'm sure you already do!)

Fentdog84

Its funny i once had a girl break up with me for saying it too much!! I kept talking to her in baby talk calling her things like ''my little monkey girl'' etc. She absolutlely hated it, but i never realised til after she dumped me. She felt smothered. naturally i was devestated and wondered what i did wrong. i read some articles on relationship psychology, and if a guy is saying the L word too much he is coming across to the girl as weak and submissive, a sissy. Its handing the power over to her and he becomes the doormat. Im not saying he shouldnt say it, but only in an intense moment to reassure her or in a throwaway fashion. That keeps the woman on her toes and feeling that she needs to earn his affection, so to speak. Im sure there are people who might not agree with that, but i did things the other way and learned the hard way. I think your husband is doing a pretty good job.

Count Duckula

Fentdog84 wrote: »

Its funny i once had a girl break up with me for saying it too much!! I kept talking to her in baby talk calling her things like ''my little monkey girl'' etc. She absolutlely hated it, but i never realised til after she dumped me. She felt smothered. naturally i was devestated and wondered what i did wrong. i read some articles on relationship psychology, and if a guy is saying the L word too much he is coming across to the girl as weak and submissive, a sissy. Its handing the power over to her and he becomes the doormat. Im not saying he shouldnt say it, but only in an intense moment to reassure her or in a throwaway fashion. That keeps the woman on her toes and feeling that she needs to earn his affection, so to speak. Im sure there are people who might not agree with that, but i did things the other way and learned the hard way. I think your husband is doing a pretty good job.

I don't think the best advice for the OP is filling her head with useless gender politics.

OP: if it means a lot for you to hear it, mention it to him. Different people have different ways of showing love - he may not even realise that you're lacking say it. Or, he may be a little embarrassed about saying it, particularly as things sound like they got a little awkward the first time.

I inferred from your post that you, too, had only said it the once, or at least you've not said it since he last did. I think it's pretty clear you love each other - just have a talk and point out to him that you'd like to hear it.

Best of luck.

Rufus the brave

It's a strange one. I'm the same, just can't say it.

Mighty_Mouse

Its funny i once had a girl break up with me for saying it too much!! I kept talking to her in baby talk calling her things like ''my little monkey girl'' etc.

my little monkey girl eh?

That's a keeper!