Bad Wife

LegacyUser

I am happily married, and have been for five years. The problem is that I have a high libido in comparison to my husband. There is more, however. He is overweight, and is not very concerned about grooming (shower, shave). I don’t fancy him. I want sex, lots of it.

But I’m not sure I want it with him.

I am horrible to think this. I love him. I do, there is a lot that is really amazing about him. But I don’t want him. When I get turned on it is always because of something or someone else, and I bring that feeling home. Or my libido becomes so strong that sex happens. But I think of him and feel my heart sinks. I remember exes from my past, and I am scared that I’m going to rationalise making a mistake. Life has become so devoid of any excitement or passion I am in dread of myself and of my future.

I am a friend

HAs he changed since you married him? Have you told him about his appearance and / or hygiene issue? You should be able to talk to him about this...

Wagon

I'm going to assume that you were very attracted to him when you first met (you wouldn't have gotten married otherwise), he's let himself get too comfortable and as a result, let himself go. It happens in long term relationships quite a bit from what I read on this board.

So talk to him. He might not even realise it. Don't tell him that you are thinking about other people or anything. Just tell him that he doesn't give you the buzz he once did because he isn't in shape and you don't want to let the marriage suffer because of it. Yes people change as they get older and they can't look like they're in their 20's their whole lives but there are limits.

Put it this way, if I had a girlfriend who I loved and she told me that she was going off me cos I was putting on weight, I'd start working out the next day, change my diet to lose some weight, do whatever was needed to get things back on track. Without a physical attraction, there is no point to a relationship. So just tell him how you're feeling and trust me, if he loves you, he will try his best to fix it.

Mallei

You need to tell him that he's no longer attractive to you and that you want him to do something about it. If he didn't used to be this way and has let himself go then it's his problem, not yours. Both partners need to work towards remaining attractive to each other within reason, and getting fat and stopping showering is not a reasonable thing to expect to do and still have your partner find you attractive.

Zen65

Unregisteredposter wrote: »

He is overweight, and is not very concerned about grooming (shower, shave). I don’t fancy him.

Hi Op,

Firstly, let's get the guilt out of the way. You are not a bad wife for not fancying your husband, nor for imagining sex with others instead of him. In most marriages, there's a bit of that going on from time to time. Such imaginings can be very positive in a relationship, as it actually can offset "relationship boredom". It's very different to actually being unfaithful with somebody else.

As others have asked, did he become this way since marriage? I'm going to assume for the purposes of this advice that he was not overweight with poor hygiene when you met.

There are reasons why people become overweight and stop grooming, and understanding your OH's reasons may be an aid to coming up with a strategy for improving things.

Perhaps he is unhappy? Is it possible that he has issues with depression, with poor self-worth, poor self-image? For this he would really need professional help. Get him to his GP.

Perhaps he let himself go and just does not know how to recover the situation? Or maybe having let himself go he has lost the ability to care enough to try to regain his fitness? If so he needs your encouragement, without being so harsh as to say that you don't fancy him, but let him know that you were happier when he was not so overweight. Tell him that you need to know that he cares enough about you to mind his own health, and that being overweight is a serious health issue for him. Encourage him to join a club (or weight-watchers, etc) and also to get medical advice before embarking on a fitness regime. Encouragement, rather than a scolding, will yield better results.

Perhaps his working lifestyle gives rise to weight gain? Long-distance commuting, frequent business dining, sedentary office work/lifestyle can leave a person physically tired which then cascades to weight gain, as the level of physical exercise decreases. The fatigue may even discourage him from washing. Again in this situation he may respond best with encouragement, but you also may need to take this up a level by "jollying" him into action ("get up those stairs and have a shower before you sit down for the evening, I don't want to spend my night smelling your armpits while we watch TV" ... but said in a suitably light-hearted manner!). In the case of sedentary work he really needs to be encouraged to take up exercise on a regular basis, even if that means you have to go for brisk walks with him.

If you dine together regularly be sure to select healthier food options (if you're cooking) or restaurants (if dining out).

Perhaps it's none of these? He may simply have become lazy without cause, and if this is the case I'd be suggesting a more forthright discussion wherein you tell him clearly that this sort of change in his habits is being unfair on you. Be careful of your language with this sort of conversation, and at all times avoid the classic "you are..." or "you never do..." sentences, as that's a shortcut to an unhappy relationship. Be clear about how it's affecting you, e.g. "when you don't shower for two days in a row I feel unhappy because it's not attractive to be with somebody who doesn't take care of themselves", or "you may be OK with putting on that extra weight but I feel that you're not making an effort to stay in shape for your own health and for the health of our relationship".

Be careful to discuss his behaviours, not his person. This is not something that he will not delight in hearing, although he must already know or suspect it. Focussing on his actions while reassuring him that you love him can avoid this turning into a big row where everybody loses face, and the relationship spirals downhill. Avoiding the planned conversation will only result in your feelings coming out suddenly one day when you're at a low point... which will certainly result in damage to his confidence and to your relationship. So prepare for the discussion and then have it, calmly and sensitively.

In summary then:

- Try to figure out why he's behaving this way
- Encourage him to be more healthy
- If he does not respond positively to this then let him know how it's affecting you (but not so cruel as to bluntly say "I don't feel attracted to you")

Be at peace,

Z

thecookingapple

As unattractive as your husband now appears to you it will be nothing compared how you view yourself if you go down the road of cheating.

I am not a big believer in marriage, but i respect it as an insitution and contract, you have the responsibility to exhaust all avenues with your husband, to exhaust all possibilities with your husband regarding on making your marriage as healthy, loving and exciting as it once was and once again can be, only when these have been exhausted and only when no effort has been made by your husband to rectify things in your marriage that once where can you with a clean mind cease this marriage and go forth to new things.

Cheating will hurt you more in the long run and it is something that some part of you will never get over.


Good Luck

LegacyUser

Thank you all, so much, for being so helpful. Even if I had received no useful advice, the thread alone would have been a help.

A particular thank you to thecookingapple, who reminded me of what exactly I need to hear. The harshest judge I have is myself, and I would never tolerate that kind of mistake.


I think I just want to have my cake and eat it, to have a sense of excitement with no sense of guilt. I need to grow up a lot.

Thank you, all of you, for your help. Mods, feel free to lock the thread.