Does he think im a fool ?

LegacyUser

I was mad about a guy for a while. Nothing happened until i moved to the other side of the country but that's life. That was 8 months ago and there's still no sign of a drink, a night at the cinema, nothing. Basically he wants to see me for the one thing.

I thought il give him a chance and see if anything happens but nothing. Because i moved to the other side of the country we obvisously dont get to see each other every weekend. Last time i saw him was 5 weeks ago.

So i came home on saturday and we agreed to meet each other in a hotel as there's no where else we can go. He rang me every day of last week, coming up to saturday. (Was this his way of treating me well?). Some day last week, he was saying he might have to work a couple of hours on saturday. He then told me he didn't have to the day after and he could see me.

We met on saturday morning after 5 weeks. We had two hours together. As i was down in the restaurant having breakfast (he didn't have any cause he didnt want anyone seeing him), he was getting dressed. I came back to the room and got some excuse, he was after getting a call to go into work.

I didnt see how he had to go into work. It was his day off, he's not a doctor and no one was dying. I didnt say this and let him off. I dont know if he told me during the week he didnt have to, just to get what he wanted as I wouldnt have bothered for 2 hours.

He rang me anyway after work on saturday. My phone was on silent but he didnt leave a voice message or even a text. I always return missed calls but his phone was off. So i sent him a message. I knew he was going off on saturday evening and probably wouldnt get time to text or call. But he was able to switch his phone on yesterday as i got the message report from the message sent on saturday. Surely im not asking for much, just a quick reply? But the message was ignored.

So to get what he wanted, he was able to ring me every day of last week. Get what he wants, then ignore me. Its not the first time it happened where he rings me for days coming up to seeing me and then ignore me afterwards.

Does he like hurting me? Is this a hint? I have had enough of this but i like him so much.

mood

Has he ever gone to visit you where you live now and visa versa? Have you ever discussed where you stand?

To be honest it doesn't sound good. I would move on and forget about him.

MissFlitworth

amifool wrote: »

We met on saturday morning after 5 weeks. We had two hours together. As i was down in the restaurant having breakfast (he didn't have any cause he didnt want anyone seeing him)

what? If you aren't a hooker this is pretty appalling behaviour on his part. Seriously, he's only meeting up with you to get his hole.

Surely im not asking for much, just a quick reply?

You are asking for a relationship, he is asking for a fcuk buddy (who he can treat badly by fcuk buddy standards, it's perfectly possible to have an arrangement with someone that involves both people happily meeting in a hotel for a couple of hours but it doesn't generally involve one of them not wanting to be seen in public with the other). If you don't want a future that involves just meeting up with this guy for sex then call it a day.

edited to say: He might not think you're a fool, he might think you are happy out with the situation you have at the minute, some people would be. It's up to you now to set him right

amifool

amifool wrote: »

We met on saturday morning after 5 weeks. We had two hours together. As i was down in the restaurant having breakfast (he didn't have any cause he didnt want anyone seeing him),

You what?
Forget about this guy, honestly...

solerina

We met on saturday morning after 5 weeks. We had two hours together. As i was down in the restaurant having breakfast (he didn't have any cause he didnt want anyone seeing him), he was getting dressed. I came back to the room and got some excuse, he was after getting a call to go into work.You need to ask yourself why didnt he want anyone seeing him ???? Either he is already in a relationship or he doesnt want to be seen with you.
Whichever the answer is you deserve better.....Finsih it with him and find someone to treat you properly.

Firetrap

Bluntly, the only reason this man is interested in you at all is because you're a booty call. A source of regular sex when you do come home. The story of the hotel should clarify things for you. He made up a cock and bull story which you saw through and for whatever reason, didn't want to be seen in your company. Why on earth do you want to waste your time on somebody like that? Get rid now.

greengiant09

not being smart but to answer your question....yes, he does think you're a fool....

there's so many warning signals in your message, i don't know how you could not have seen them.

not wanting people to see him with you!...what do you think that means???...come on...this is pretty glaring. he's obviously in a relationship.

and all the stuff about getting phone calls that he has to work and he's too busy to text back. it's obviously a load of crap. just lies to give him a reason to get out of there asap.

i think you want to work on your self-esteem....not many people would put up being treated like that.

Kevin Duffy

Maybe he didn't want anyone seeing him in case they told his wife.

LegacyUser

I really don't think it could be any clearer if it was written in 10 foot high letters. He is not single. He is already in a relationship/marriage.

That wasn't work calling either just in case you hadn't realised.

IrishEyes19

Op, I think you deserve so much better than you give yourself credit for. I would really ask you to walk away from this guy pronto, he's not going to change Op, you deserve a guy who is proud to have you on his arm out and about in town and happy enough to have a nice night in when your feeling down or need some tlc, not some guy who likes to get his fill once in a while and then heads away on some errand. Seriously, you deserve someone kind and caring. these people never change. give him the shock of his life and walk away now. I dont think you are a fool, but he is using you and he deserves to be dumped for what of a better word.

bridal

This is doomed, you are his booty call. He comes and gets it when he wants because he knows you like him and perhaps you have developed feelings for him. if you have then he is using you plain and simple. Remember you are worth more than this, the next time he calls tell him to forget it and hang up

hatz7

He is taking you for a fool.
The whole not wanting to get food in case he would be seen with you.
If I found myself in that situation, that would be the end of it, there and then.
He may think that your his holaback girl.
More trouble than he is worth imo, you deserve better.

marzic

The fact that nothing happened until you moved away says to me that neither does he want to be with you, nor does he want anybody to know he is meeting you. He is using you for sex and doesnt care about you at all in any way! It is not your fault that you are mad about him, but you will have to try and stop being used like this, for your own good.

angelant

Be true to yourself, he is only wasting your time and it wont last he is a total user.live and learn next person will be lovely

you have the last say, next time you plan to meet him and then don't turn up,
then don't text or ans call.

LegacyUser

I have fallen for him big time. I haven't heard from him since saturday. Its like as if he purposely rang me knowing that I would reply and just to ignore me. Especially after getting it off with me. He hasn't replied to any of my messages and switched his phone off.

It hurts and its like being stabbed.

I have exams in two weeks and i cant study cause of this.

mood

amifool wrote: »

I have fallen for him big time. I haven't heard from him since saturday. Its like as if he purposely rang me knowing that I would reply and just to ignore me. Especially after getting it off with me. He hasn't replied to any of my messages and switched his phone off.

It hurts and its like being stabbed.

I have exams in two weeks and i cant study cause of this.

How many times have you call/text him?

You are better off deleting his number and moving on.

Is a pr*ck like him really worth failing exams over?

Katgurl

Op, I am sympathetic but am going to be frank.

Pull yourself the hell together. If I thought for one second my sister or a close female friend was letting a guy treat her like that unbeknown to me I would be so horrified I'd cry for a week. If they were openly allowing this behaviour I'd hand them phone number of good therapist and demand they make appointment immediately.

This man is treating you like something he stood in and you are allowing it. Why are you allowing it? He's scum.

Do not call him again. Do not text him again. Do not fail your exams because of him.

Forget about him and study. When your exams are over allow yourself some time to figure out why on earth you were prepared to treat yourself so appallingly?

Good luck in the exams.

IrishEyes19

Its really hard to pull away from people like this, OP, I do get what you are coming from, but I urge you to do it for your own sake. Its emotionally draining, and these idiots just break you down bit by bit. They dont give a damn who they hurt because quite frankly, the freedom they get with having whoever they want gets them going.

The biggest shock you can give him is to delete his number and ignore him if he comes calling again.

joseywhales

Probably doesn't think you're a fool. He probably feels guilty for a while and he'll tell you straight out that nothing is happening. But then he'll just do whatever it takes for a short period of time to get what he wants, runaway and feel a little guilty again. Not replying to you because he's just not interested. He's probably just developed this way of treating girls over the years to get what he needs. He doesn't think you're a fool, he just thinks this is the way to smoke the bees to get the honey. Completely one dimensional and objective. He might even convince himself that he cares but at the end of the day he's just greedy.

If you stop all contact, he'll just think he pushed it too far and learn for the next time. He sounds completely heartless because he's objectified you and most women probably.Sometimes it's hard to break out of that mindset.

Anyway you shouldn't let your exam anxiety project onto this situation and use it as an excuse to panic. You probably won't care anymore once this high pressure period is over.

Firetrap

You are going to have to get some perspective on this. You're mad about this guy and I'm sure he knows this. He doesn't feel the same way about you at all though, judging by his behaviour. For all you know, he could be in a relationship. It would certainly go quite a way towards explaining why he couldn't get out of the hotel fast enough once you'd had sex. If he is single, what does it say about him if he's happy to have sex with you but doesn't want to be seen out in public with you? Those are the bald facts.

It does look now like things might be over judging by your references to ignored messages. He might just, for once, be doing the right thing. It's doing you absolutely no good to be clinging on desperately to this mockery of a "relationship". You also need to ask yourself why the hell you've been continuing to invest so much in someone who only wants you because you're a means for him to get laid.

Don't, either start inventing mind games to do with why he rang/she rang etc. It's clear that he has tired of you. Having said that, he might resurface again if there's no-one else around for him to hump when he's feeling horny or has some free time on his hands.

Really, you need to put this in the past and learn from it. Never again let yourself be used like this. And don't let him be the cause of you failing your exams. Stop being over-dramatic and hit the books.

Emme

This guy is married or in a relationship. He probably has a girl in every port so don't expect anything from him except to get your heart broken and your head wrecked.

Walk away and focus on your exams.

LegacyUser

He rang me yesterday, no apology, just asked to see me today. I agreed, the fool that i am. Until I read this again and sent him a message saying i cant. Think i might print these pages and put them all over the place to remind me.

I just dont have the energy any more. As some one mentioned, its emotionally draining. And tiring and I have had enough. Wrote the post to see if there's anything I could do to get him? Ha ha ha, il answer that, forget him. I have done enough, he knows I like him but fking hell, im no whore.

And here i was thinking of moving back home to be closer, in the hope something might happen. Hell no, not when he cant be arsed to do anything himself.

Emme

Well done OP. Continue to be strong and put this guy behind you. He is probably attached and looking for a bit on the side. Unfortunately guys like him pick on gullible women and these women end up getting hurt.

I know it sounds harsh, but in many cases guys like this are looking for nothing more than an unpaid prostitute. A few sweet words here and some bull**** there and they're saving themselves the bucks they'd have to spend in a brothel.

I think there's a lot more guys like this around because of the recession. Go to any hotel bar and they're crawling all over the place like cockroaches.

amifool

amifool wrote: »

He rang me yesterday, no apology, just asked to see me today. I agreed, the fool that i am. Until I read this again and sent him a message saying i cant. Think i might print these pages and put them all over the place to remind me.

Good on you, well done for taking that first step.
Do your best to put him behind you!

MissFlitworth

amifool wrote: »

He rang me yesterday, no apology, just asked to see me today. I agreed, the fool that i am. Until I read this again and sent him a message saying i cant. Think i might print these pages and put them all over the place to remind me.

And here i was thinking of moving back home to be closer, in the hope something might happen. Hell no, not when he cant be arsed to do anything himself.

Legend!! Seriously, eff him. You will get your exams done, you'll meet someone who really likes you and some time in the near future you will be laughing at muppet-features pestering you to meet up. (because there's nothing like being unavailable to make spas like him suddenly start getting very interested, only to lose all interest again when you give in)

LittleBook

MissFlitworth wrote: »

there's nothing like being unavailable to make spas like him suddenly start getting very interested, only to lose all interest again when you give in

Oooh yes, be very careful of that. Don't be surprised if he pays you more attention now than he ever did and don't be fooled into thinking it's because he cares about you or respects you.

marzic

amifool wrote: »

He rang me yesterday, no apology, just asked to see me today. I agreed, the fool that i am. Until I read this again and sent him a message saying i cant. Think i might print these pages and put them all over the place to remind me.

I just dont have the energy any more. As some one mentioned, its emotionally draining. And tiring and I have had enough. Wrote the post to see if there's anything I could do to get him? Ha ha ha, il answer that, forget him. I have done enough, he knows I like him but fking hell, im no whore.

And here i was thinking of moving back home to be closer, in the hope something might happen. Hell no, not when he cant be arsed to do anything himself.

You did the right thing. This is the first step, but if you are serious about cutting your ties you will have to follow it up and be strong. what would you do if he said "sorry, i know i've messed you around, but I will really really try harder next time"...? I hope you will put yourself first.

LegacyUser

Good for you. I was once there too. I once had a thing for a man who was only using me for sex and I'd be there waiting by the phone for him to text or call. Even though I knew deep down that that was all there was to it. Later I found him shifting someone else in a nightclub which confirmed what I'd suspected. That was the end of that and I'm glad. I look back on it now and think I was such an idiot but it was hard at the time. The seeing him with someone else was the best thing ever because it just clarified everything and made it so easy to move on without looking back.

I wish you well. Please don't ever call or text him again. You're wasting months if not years out of your life because of this man when you could be meeting someone who will treat you so much better.

LegacyUser

OP, massive well done!! I've been there too, allowed myself to get invlolved with a man who was purely out for sex but the problem was I felt for him. He made me feel good when I was with him so when he called, I was there. It can be very hard to resist sometimes even against our better judgement, trust me I know, but don't let yourself down again, you've refused him once, you can do it again if he persists.

For me I don't really know what caused me to finally stop it, I think the realisation that I was just being used for sex just started to properly dawn on me (even though I really knew it all along) when I realised how cold he was with me when he wasn't looking a bit. Now that I look back on it, I think of the times when we would hook up in a hotel for the night, I think of us sitting in the hotel bar, getting drunk and flirting the bit out before heading up for the night, and I think of what the other people in the bar must have been thinking. It was quite clear from the age gap that we were not a couple having a nice night in a hotel, and it was quite clear from our behaviour that we were not business acquaintances on a trip or what have you. It was quite clear here was an older man, with a young woman, here for a dirty night. I'm not normally one for caring what other people think of me, but that thought does disgust me now.

OP, if you think you will ever be tempted to give in again, do something to help stop it ever happening. This may sound slightly silly, but it helped me. I was still wanting him and the temptation for "just one more" played with me alot, so what I did I made my phone screensaver say "RESPECT YOURSELF - DON'T DO IT AGAIN" That may sound daft, but it really did help me and it reminded me every time I picked up my phone that I needed to have more respect for myself than I did by allowing it to happen. Also it worked incredibly well when I got that notion of contacting him again, or replying to his advances, it made me stop for that second and think about what I was doing.
Going by my experience, you probably will be tempted again, despite what you may think now. Give my idea a thought, sometimes all you need are those little constant reminders to help you stay strong.

Best of wishes OP

greengiant09

amifool wrote: »

He rang me yesterday, no apology, just asked to see me today. I agreed, the fool that i am. Until I read this again and sent him a message saying i cant. Think i might print these pages and put them all over the place to remind me.

I just dont have the energy any more. As some one mentioned, its emotionally draining. And tiring and I have had enough. Wrote the post to see if there's anything I could do to get him? Ha ha ha, il answer that, forget him. I have done enough, he knows I like him but fking hell, im no whore.

And here i was thinking of moving back home to be closer, in the hope something might happen. Hell no, not when he cant be arsed to do anything himself.

i've read the personal posts a lot and these are classic posts of what a lot of people are feeling so don't be too hard on yourself. everyone has a yearning to be loved and so do you. unfortunately you are getting it from the wrong source but because it's your only source you feel the need to hang on even though you know it's bad for you in the long run.

it's amazing how many people come on here with similar stories and it's completely obvious that the other person is taking advantage of them but they hold on because of their own insecurities.

you need to work on yourself, you shouldn't need to settle for second best. i'll say that twice, you shouldn;t need to settle for 2nd place!

a lot of people go into a lot of relationships with emotional baggage, i presume you don't regard yourself highly. you need to work on yourself before you go into a relationship. a lot of people think that finding someone else will be the answer to all their dreams....which is a misguided notion. you need to be happy in yourself first.....

think rationally, move on, make changes, re-evalutuate...do whatever you need to learn from the past.

joseywhales

Can you inform him in impartial terms why you are unhappy with him?

mood

joseywhales wrote: »

Can you inform him in impartial terms why you are unhappy with him?

What is the point? He will only try to talk her around so he can continue to have his fun when it suits him.

Kevin Duffy

joseywhales wrote: »

Can you inform him in impartial terms why you are unhappy with him?

Can you say why his behaviour so far has earned that sort of effort and respect?

Firetrap

I don't think this would be the way to go. The OP still fancies this man despite his behaviour and she will find things tough enough as it is without having that particular conversation. Besides, what is there to say? Both parties in this arrangement know what has been going on and the only thing that this man will be sorry about is that his Friday night shag has vanished into the ether.

joseywhales

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Can you say why his behaviour so far has earned that sort of effort and respect?

I just feel that everyone does. Its a good exercise for both of them, it's closure so it's not left hanging in the air. I don't want to have anymore contact because of A,B and C. No need to hear out a response or excuse. How would anyone learn if you didn't do these things?

It really annoys me when people just say nothing and theres always an element of awkwardness about the subject forever, that you can't bring up again once the moment has passed.

IrishEyes19

If he text's again, OP. If you feel strong enough, I would say, "Look to be honest this isn't really working for me. You and me aren't really looking for the same thing, so I think its best if we just leave it where it is now. No hard feelings though."

and walk away, OP. Right now, it'll probably be the hardest and most sensible thing you will do. You wont regret it.

dixiefly

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

If he text's again, OP. If you feel strong enough, I would say, "Look to be honest this isn't really working for me. You and me aren't really looking for the same thing, so I think its best if we just leave it where it is now. No hard feelings though."

and walk away, OP. Right now, it'll probably be the hardest and most sensible thing you will do. You wont regret it.

Has he ever tried to explain why he does not wish to meet / date in a conventional way?

If you were my daughter / sister / friend I would advise you as IrishEyes has here.

If you really really think he has a genuine reason for this approach then you could try and discuss the relationship and get him to agree to meet in a conventional way and have a "normal" relationship. I find it hard to see how the hotel booty calls would fit into that relationship.

Kevin Duffy

joseywhales wrote: »

I just feel that everyone does. Its a good exercise for both of them, it's closure so it's not left hanging in the air. I don't want to have anymore contact because of A,B and C. No need to hear out a response or excuse. How would anyone learn if you didn't do these things?

It really annoys me when people just say nothing and theres always an element of awkwardness about the subject forever, that you can't bring up again once the moment has passed.

I couldn't agree less. While people do indeed generally deserve respect, this guy's behaviour has lost him that right in the situation. He has been horrible to her, absolutely horrible. He deserves nothing more than silence. If he feels it's "hanging in the air", good enough for him. Maybe a little bit of seeing how it was for her will put some manners on him. As to future awkwardness, I don't think this has a future to be awkward in. For the OP's sake, I really hope not.

She can find her closure by forgetting all about him and moving on to much better things. Living well is the best revenge.

Emme

OP, if he still calls you (and even if he doesn't) change his name on your phone to something really derogatory that reminds him of now bad he made you feel such as "Examsabotaging User"! Then you'll be reminded that getting involved with him will put your exams at risk.