Have job, want happy

LegacyUser

Right, so I'm posting this as much to put my thoughts in order as anything. Dunno what's wrong with me today am just in utterly shyte form, as in I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and cry and for the life of me I can't put a finger on why. I spent just over a year out of work, but 3 months ago I was fortunate enough to come across a job that was a near-perfect fit for my experience, in a company which is also an excellent fit, a multinational who seem to bucking the economic trends of the last few years. Things should be great right?

The previous year was an unmitigated pile of ****, I moved back home after ten years living away, and while my folks are great, that sucked balls. There's something so terribly demoralising about moving back to your folks place in your late 20s. But c'est la vie, I took the time to get my head together, my unemployment was the result of a complaint against a manager, which was borne out, but also made it impossible for me to return to work, pretty ****ty considering this happened in the middle of the worst parts of the recession. So vindicated, but now unemployed. Like a twist in a bad movie.

This was the latest in a series of ****ty events that defined a fairly ****ty few years. Several big efforts on my part to shape my life in the way I wanted just completely and utterly imploded, I had to fight tooth and nail to get what I was due, and while I never completely lost out, nothing has panned out as expected. I have great qualifications, and experience, but always wound up in a totally different place to where I'd intended, and most of it involved me fighting with myself, and frequently other people, despite my best efforts to avoid exactly that.

So here we are in 2011. I'm working, and I'm delighted to be working. I have a place I'm renting by myself, which I also love (both the place, and the living alone). I've stopped associating with several people who, while not in any way responsible for my difficulties, have certainly not helped them in any way, and have certainly served quite frequently to compound them. After being humiliated by one such individual in front of his father, (one of a handful of people I've ever felt made me feel genuinely welcome in his home), I figured it was high time I took my own advice and gave him and several other people the hump. No big deal, I have other friends.

I get the job, I'm there a few months now. I like it. I mean the specific job I have is not something I ever pictured, but it's a job, and I'm confident there will be opportunities to move away from this in the future, and most importantly it's putting money in my pocket, and has given me back my freedom, my independence, and my self-respect. At least, most of the time.

A lot of my previous difficulties started with the fact that I blamed myself for a lot of difficulties my family experienced when I was younger. I had no part in these problems beyond being one of the people who suffered as a result of them, (one was sickness, the other was alcoholism), but as any kid will do I interpreted these problems as my weakness, my failure. Which in hindsight is ****ing ludicrous, but that's what kids do. So I felt like I had all this stuff to make up for, I obviously didn't, but I felt like I did. And every failure thereafter added to that feeling like a snowball, it got unbelievably bad, if I made a simple mistake I'd spend the day berating myself for being so stupid. I guess I'm saying I've spent a lot of time really disliking myself.

Which brings me to the crazy dichotomy that is my personality. I can't articulate how badly I felt but despite that, I just would not bend for anyone. If someone challenged me on something, I wouldn't fight them on it, but I wouldn't cowtow to them either. Which created this really pressurising situation in my head, I didn't want to be fighting with people, but I didn't want to be seen as weak, the solution? Bury my doubts and insecurities and spend every waking moment analysing every single situation up, and down, left and right. I drove myself crazy doing this. Then after spending the last year out of work I decided to stop. **** it. I was killing myself with all this, and for ****ing what?

I'm not entirely sure where this is going now. But I'm in this new job. I'm making herculean efforts to make things work, while acknowledging that I can't control every variable in every situation, which I think is a pretty significant step. And yet I still feel like...see that's just it, I'm not sure what I feel, I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to feel. The last few months have been fine, there's been the usual pressure of starting a new job, and having to re-locate, but everyone experiences that.

I guess maybe now that I've settled I kind of feel like, aside from work, the rest of my life is the same piece of **** it always was. Y'know having typed that in, it actually reflects my situation pretty well. I've spent years working so hard, so sure of what I was after, what I think I'm still after, but for what? It hasn't made me happy, it hasn't made me anything except angry. I've tormented myself so much, I have so much anger at some people, anger I never gave voice to, I've spent so much of my adult life being totally ****ing alone avoiding things and people I wanted because I thought my goals were more important, that sacrifice was worthwhile. And yet here I am, it's been a gorgeous weekend, and yet my day has just been one big case of melancholy.

I'm going to stop there, this is just turning into a meandering cluster**** of self-pity which is not what I intended. I appreciate how fortunate I am to be working at all, particularly in a field where there are traditionally very few jobs in this armpit of a country. I'm a healthy young man and believe me I place great stock in that. I just wish it didn't feel like I'd invested so much of myself in goals and principles that ultimately just made my life more difficult while people around me seem to be having the life of Reilly giving rules the finger. I don't know if that makes me pathetic or a man of his convictions. I do know it makes me incredibly lonely, and the question I keep asking myself is "For ****ing what?".

Bah. Anyway it's just passed 11pm, I'm off to bed. I'm sure things will look better in the morning. And I guess in some way sticking this online, albeit anonymously, makes me less like a complete ****ing nutjob.

Thanks if you read this far, i'm sure there are people reading this looking for work, or dealing with sickness or whatnot, and wondering "What is this loolaa talking about?", I kinda feel like that myself. When people tell me their problems I usually try to make them feel less like there's something wrong with them, but I just can't seem to do that for myself.

LegacyUser

I read your post all the way to the end - you've got a knack for stringing words together so it wasn't so bad

Can I just say I feel a lot of the stuff you're going through - like no matter what you achieve, somehow ur still failing at something else....I think that's the pressure of being in your 20's - it's a big ****ing bitch of a time because you're trying to get everything sorted, good relationship, career, stability, money, makking your parents proud, living the life you want....there's bound to be conflicts. It helps to just breath and enjoy that you can do that, and give yourself some slack. Sounds like you've had a tough time, and guess what - you pulled yourself out of it, and you're back in track, not only are you surviving, but you're in the area of work you want, have the lifestyle you want (living away from home) so well done, that's already a huge achievement. Ok so you want to do more - instead of stressing, put down some goals and start workign on how to get there. But also realise that it's one of those contradictions - ask any athlete or high achiever, when those goals are reached it can be a let down, as now it's like 'oh, what now'.....so start investing in yourself instead. Put some energy into creating a life that makes you happy - that doesn't come from work, you've already seen that. It can, but only if you work on your emotional and mental state, to allow yourself accept your success and be happy.

I've never seen a counsellor, but it sounds like you might benefit from spilling the beans a bit more especially if you don't have a close circle of friends. Start working on your anger and bitterness over the past - then you can start buildign up friends. that takes time, and what I've come to realise is there's a lot of ppl that aren't worth the energy and you can be very lucky to find one or two good friends your whole life.

start taking up hobbies...sports are great to release tension and help you feel good again in your body and then your mind. I thought it was bull till I tried and it really helps your outlook and gives you a sense of achievement. but start building your life outside of work - travel, learn skills, learn things that make you into a better person, whether that is how to love, or how to survive in a mountain with only a fork

marzic

ShouldBeHappy wrote: »

Thanks if you read this far, i'm sure there are people reading this looking for work, or dealing with sickness or whatnot, and wondering "What is this loolaa talking about?", I kinda feel like that myself. When people tell me their problems I usually try to make them feel less like there's something wrong with them, but I just can't seem to do that for myself.

I think that looking at a problem from some remove is what helps you understand or help other people with their problems, perhaps thats what may work for you! Do you have someone who you can speak to? Its easy suggesting it, but if there is historic difficulties going way back that might be cause of your current feelings, you may need to have these things worked out with you by someone with the professional ability to help, more so than just a listener. I wish you well.