help for lesbian considering coming out at 43?

LegacyUser

After many years of trying to trying to repress true sexual identity, I've given up the battle and I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I'm sexually attracted to men- I'm not. I first became aware of my attraction to women in teenage years but after making vague query regarding same to my mother at 17 and receiving a stony look, I quickly retreated and dropped the matter. After a series of short unsuccessful relationships with men through my 20's, I went for counselling at 28 and sexual feelings for women resurfaced again but I convinced myself that it was just a phase. After a longer term relationship with a man in my 30's that ended at age 40, I declared time out and went back to counselling again and old themes regarding my sexual identity resurfaced. I suppose the advantage of getting to this place at a more mature age is that I'm less fearful about what my friends and family would think if I told them- if they love me, they'll accept me. If not, I'd be ok with it.
What i'm bothered about is all the lost years and wondering if I "missed the boat" so to speak. I"m wondering if most lesbians are paired off at my age? Would my late coming out seem weird or be met with suspicion by other lesbians? I'm not interested in gay bars as I feel that I'm too old for them and I wouldn't be comfortable with that scene anyway so I'm wondering if its too much of an uphill battle...any thoughts? Any replies would be greatly appreciated

AndrewJD

I'm just a young'un, but it's never too late. Coming out and being your true self will in the long run make you feel so much better, and since you seem to be in a really stable situation, it won't hurt to do it. If you are comfortable with telling people, give it a go. People tend to react much better than you expect.

I also don't see why lesbians need to know you only came out at 40, you don't have to tell them. If you do, it's well known that a lot of people don't come to terms with their sexuality sometimes for many years, and I wouldn't think they'd be suspicious - more grateful for your honesty. You haven't missed the boat - it's your boat. It'll leave when you want it to leave. In terms of meeting like minded individuals, one of your best bets will be online dating sites. Someone more familiar with the scene will hopefully come in with maybe some social groups and the like, which are another way of meeting people. You're definitely not alone.

Anyway I'm glad you've come to terms with who you really are, and you've spoken more candidly than most about it. You will do fine. I wish you all the best

Willlow

Very nice reply there Andrew

Don't worry about your age, 43 is still young and there are plenty singles in their late 30's and 40's. Finding the right person for you might take a bit of time, but that's the same when looking for the right guy.

I don't know what part of the country you're in but in Cork if you don't like bars (which you are not too old for btw.) there are groups that do all sorts of activities, tennis, soccer, choir, hillwalking and lots more so I'm sure there would be something you could join.

Best of luck!

Links234

anonymous post wrote: »

What i'm bothered about is all the lost years and wondering if I "missed the boat" so to speak. I"m wondering if most lesbians are paired off at my age? Would my late coming out seem weird or be met with suspicion by other lesbians? I'm not interested in gay bars as I feel that I'm too old for them and I wouldn't be comfortable with that scene anyway so I'm wondering if its too much of an uphill battle...any thoughts? Any replies would be greatly appreciated

don't think about "lost years", think about the years you've gained that are ahead of you, and don't spend an ounce of your time thinking about regret. it's possible that some lesbians might be suspicious or find it odd, but the hell with them, that's there problem and not yours! if we lived our lives based on what other people might think, we wouldn't get very far. and if you're not comfortable with gays bars, don't feel as if you need to go to any, there are many options out there for meeting people, dating etc.

and if it's an uphill battle? well as the saying goes, nothing in life worth doing is easy.

but coming to terms with your sexual identity can be incredibly hard, and that's really the hardest part. you've come to terms with things, you're talking about it, so you're already showing great strength in taking those steps. soon you'll be taking all this in your stride.

lushballs

Well done for coming to terms with your sexuality. No one will be bothered about when you come to terms with your sexuality. We all go through the same process at different ages.

Join Running Amach. Everyone is very warm & supportive. http://www.meetup.com/Dublin-LGBTQ-Womens-Social-Networking-Club

baby and crumble

I second pretty much everything already written. Whoever you are, you need to be that person, now more than ever- you've come to terms with who you are- that's so brilliant! Just think of all the things you can do now that you mightn't have been able to do before.

As for women, I'm not on the scene much- tbh I think most women over about 25 don't really hit it all that much! (regardless of single or partnered). I will definitely second joining Running Amach as linked to by a previous poster. The demographic is a bit older, and they go out on regular over 30's nights in nightclubs, as well as more mellow chilled out stuff, so you can have the best of everything!!

Anyway, best of luck!!! :D:D

Kanoe

I came out in my early thirties (35 now) and while it has been an uphill struggle the good thing about being this age is that I'm comfortable with myself as a person, I feel like I had been through enough trials and tribulations and when things get tough I try to remind myself of that.
I was treated with suspicion initially and didn't feel very accepted but after a while I stopped feeling like I needed to prove anything to anyone. I mingled more with couples than singles, as they were a little older and consequently more stable and welcoming and they were always more willing to help. I also struck up friendships with bi girls easier as they also had experienced a degree of non acceptance from the wider community and to the outsiders I think it's how I was considered. (In the years I wasn't out I never entertained any man)

I still don't feel like I'm entirely on the boat but I have found my own way of getting along. I'm sure you will be ok regardless.


(I'm not sure my non acceptance had as much to do with my age as much as other factors tho..and try not to appear attractive to the opposite sex and you'll do fine )

(pps, I also get to experience homophobic comments and remarks on occasion and sometimes I forget the where the boundaries lie in public but it's all part of the process, I don't know where you are located but there are groups out there that can provide support, there should be a stickied thread here somewhere)

bitter_lemon

i have met so many late in life lesbians in the past year that it is astounding. i can't see people thinking it weird or in any way suspicious. i have never encountered that reaction and would be very surprised if someone felt it.

i think its great and as others said running amach would be a perfect place for you to meet others in similar situations. i think you would get an awful lot from the experience.

best of luck. i hope everything goes well for you. oh and congratulations

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your helpful and considerate replies. Feel greatly reassured and much more at ease about process. Will look into running amach- thanks again!