am I a freak

LegacyUser

am I a freak to think that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship

I'm a virgin (24 :S) and I can't help thinking that I'm a freak for waiting until I'm with the one I truly love.

I have been in two serious realtionships and each one was the same. they both weren't ready and were willing to wait as much as I was ( both were virgins as well and had circumstances that prevented us from doing anything ) both of us were living with our familys at the time so it was a bit tough to get time alone but my most recent boyfriend didn't seem to mind and didn't think sex was all that important

so my most recent boyfriend and I have broken up because his feelings changed for me and what not ( i know it has nothing to do with our intimacy or anything ) but I can't help thinking that my prospective bf ( if I'm lucky to have one ) will not be so keen on waiting as I am

I'm a weird to be thinking like this? am I a freak for being a virgin at my age??

Ickle Magoo

I don't think it makes you a freak. It's up to you what importance you place on sex and whether you want to wait or have only one partner or whatever.

I do think as you would be in the minority that it's going to make the pool of prospective partners much smaller but that's not to say you should change or want to be different just because you are in the minority.

It's your life and your choice to make.

All the best. :cool:

greenprincess

I def dont think your a freak! If this is something you believe in then you dont need to change for anyone.
The only thing is, waiting for so long, make sure you dont have an idea in your head of how it should go perfectly! Because it probably wont, especially if you lose your virginity to another virgin.

But your not a freak by any standard! Fair play for sticking to what you believe

Wibbs

The sexual revolution was supposed to bring sexual freedom. This doesn;t just mean that someone is free to have as much sex with as many people as they like and not get judged for it, it also means that someone can choose not to have sex at all with judgement. Freedom means choice. If you and any partner are happy with that I really don't see how that makes you a freak.

LegacyUser

I kind of wonder what you're waiting for....were you not in love with the other guys? considering they were long termers/serious I would have thought at the time it was love no????

I would sit down and have a good long hard chat with yourself about what you're waiting for and why...I'm not saying what you want is wrong, but if you're expecting some idealised version of love to exist before sex..then maybe you're idea of love is a little unrealistic...I would be worried you're using this as an excuse, considering you've been in serious relationships before.....why are you REALLY doing it? Does it scare you? Turn you off? It's just the longer you put things off, and wait for some perfect idea of love to happen, you might be missing out on a lot. Love grows with physical connection, not just spiritual/mental...look at all the threads on here where lack of sex/bad sex has caused problems. It's a bit naive to think it's not important....I can't imagine not enjoying that closeness you get from sex, and I really don't think you can be truely in love without it...it's the ultimate expression of how you feel about the other person, otherwise it's just friendship with some fooling around.

I'm not saying you should have sex, but if you care about the person, it can be an amazing experience to share and thereby develop you're love. If you're waiting for love....you can expect every man or woman to walk away if after a certain period of time, you refuse to have sex....because as you've said yourself, you're waiting for love...thereby you've told them quite obviously that you don't love them ....can you really expect the relationship to continue after that?? If you really are certain that they are not the right guy, fair enough and fair play for waiting, but I would expect their feelings towards you to change when you quite obviously tell them I don't love you enough to have sex....so your last boyfriend, his feelings changed....I don't know how long he waited, but my feeligns would change if my partner wasn't in love with me

LegacyUser

well to be honest I was madly head over heals in love with the last guy and it wasn't for the want of trying that we didn't have sex. Unfortunately as stated we both live with our families, both of which have rules about that sort of stuff under their roof and so on. As both of us were virgins each time we tried we were very nervous so nothing really ever happened

with regards to my last boyfriend, because I was the one that loved him ( and I guess he loved me too - long story ) I was the one that instigated a lot of the meetups when we could be alone. the first time being about 5 months into the relationship.

I'm just finding it hard to think I'm normal for not having sex still??

Its not a religious thing for me, and it might be a little bit of a important emotional thing for me. I've gone a bit further then kissing and all that but never the act because of the nerves

I'm not afraid to have sex and I know if I love the guy its an important part but I guess I just wish that I either didn't live with my family or that I didn't think I was a freak.

Sorry if this isn't making any sense :S

HugoDrax

Hi OP,

I don't mean to insult you but I do not know of any man who would wait for you to have sex with him when he can get sex with any number of other women.
I don't know if you think there are handsome princes in shining armor who are going to sweep you off your feet because there are none.
Sex is hugely important and a man who is still a virgin can often feel he is not truly a man at all.
Before the sexual revolution and modern contraception generally speaking men could not get sex before marriage unless they visited a brothel.
Most people were still virgins on their wedding night.
Nowadays it is rare to find a heterosexual man in his late teens or early twenties who has not had sex or who has not had sex with several women.
To say the least it is a big ask for a man to give up sex and wait for a girl to give her virginity on her wedding night when sex is so freely available.
Not all but very many women can be persuaded to have sex with a guy she has only known for a few hours or days.
You may well find someone who will wait for you but it may be he will actually be a cowardly man who has very limited social skills and is clinging to you because this might be the only chance in his entire life to lose his virginity.
Meanwhile the opportunity to meet a decent man will be gone and
you may end up with a man who is inept in every respect.

Ickle Magoo

HugoDrax wrote: »

You may well find someone who will wait for you but it may be he will actually be a cowardly man who has very limited social skills and is clinging to you because this might be the only chance in his entire life to lose his virginity.

What? Seriously HugoDrax, some of your advice is seriously weird.

There are threads in this very forum every other day of the week by people who are virgins, sometimes into their 30's. If people want to wait that's their prerogative, it's certainly neither true nor helpful to try to push your own judgemental views on waiting as some kind of desperate personality flaw.

LegacyUser

HugoDrax wrote: »

Hi OP,

I don't mean to insult you but I do not know of any man who would wait for you to have sex with him when he can get sex with any number of other women.
I don't know if you think there are handsome princes in shining armor who are going to sweep you off your feet because there are none.
Sex is hugely important and a man who is still a virgin can often feel he is not truly a man at all.
Before the sexual revolution and modern contraception generally speaking men could not get sex before marriage unless they visited a brothel.
Most people were still virgins on their wedding night.
Nowadays it is rare to find a heterosexual man in his late teens or early twenties who has not had sex or who has not had sex with several women.
To say the least it is a big ask for a man to give up sex and wait for a girl to give her virginity on her wedding night when sex is so freely available.
Not all but very many women can be persuaded to have sex with a guy she has only known for a few hours or days.
You may well find someone who will wait for you but it may be he will actually be a cowardly man who has very limited social skills and is clinging to you because this might be the only chance in his entire life to lose his virginity.
Meanwhile the opportunity to meet a decent man will be gone and
you may end up with a man who is inept in every respect.

Thanks for your help HugoDrax...very helpful indeed....
you seem to keep missing the point that both of my relationships they were virgins and not only that but I have met many a man who was a virgin who were not inept, cowardly or had limited social skills!
and like I said in a previous post AGAIN...I'm not specifically waiting...We have BOTH tried to do it but circumstances prevent me. so if you want to give me helpful advise please make sure that you are reading the posts that I'm putting up

LegacyUser

I'm in the same boat as you OP! 23 and a virgin! You're not a freak, and the right kinda guy will respect you more for waiting to be in a relationship you're truly happy with! you don't need to explain yourself to anyone, i've learnt that recently enough myself. A lot of guys don't get it, but that's their problem, not yours! please dont think of yourself as being weird!

LegacyUser

look - I know living at home has restrictions, but really if you want to have sex, book a room?? it's that easy - arrange a weekend away, stay at a hostel/hotel and get over your nerves and have sex. circumstances shouldn't and never have held anyone back from having sex before.

also, ok, at 24 perhaps you meet a fair few virgins but I'm with drako on this one.....the older you get, the more you have to question why that person hasn't had sex yet. I for one would be fairly unwilling to have sex with someone who's still a virgin in their late 20's...it's the culture that exists today, most people have met their 'first love' or at least been in lust enough to have sex by then, if not, maybe that person has trouble letting go enough to fall in love, or has attached some extreme importance to sex that would put me off... virginity is not something precious to guard at the expense of living life... yes I was in love the first time I had sex, turned out it wasn't real love, but at the time it was and I'm glad I had sex young (18), because it's only now after having experienced a few men and relationships that I know what I want from sex, and trust me, the first time isn't wonderful, and it's worth getting some experience so you learn how to benefit from sex physically and also how to recognise sex from love.

If you're not waiting for anything, then don't let circumstances stop you.. you're not a freak for not having had sex by now...but I'd hate to think you put it off again and again just because of circumstances, or waiting for that perfect man to come along, because neither exist...

Peanut2011

amiafreak wrote: »

am I a freak to think that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship

I'm a virgin (24 :S) and I can't help thinking that I'm a freak for waiting until I'm with the one I truly love.

I have been in two serious realtionships and each one was the same. they both weren't ready and were willing to wait as much as I was ( both were virgins as well and had circumstances that prevented us from doing anything ) both of us were living with our familys at the time so it was a bit tough to get time alone but my most recent boyfriend didn't seem to mind and didn't think sex was all that important

so my most recent boyfriend and I have broken up because his feelings changed for me and what not ( i know it has nothing to do with our intimacy or anything ) but I can't help thinking that my prospective bf ( if I'm lucky to have one ) will not be so keen on waiting as I am

I'm a weird to be thinking like this? am I a freak for being a virgin at my age??

OP, I just wish there were more people that placed the same importance on sex you do. I really hope you don't crumble under pressure of today's society and lose your values.

If only there were more people like you the society would have half the problems it has now.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same boat 25 virgin and it not religious reasons. i just wasn't ready and then was embarrased as i got older so i left the dating scene.

Your not alone here there is loads of people out there, they just might not openly admit they are virgin. I more open with it now and if guys think im weird so what there not worth it ..

LegacyUser

guest252 wrote: »

look - I know living at home has restrictions, but really if you want to have sex, book a room?? it's that easy - arrange a weekend away, stay at a hostel/hotel and get over your nerves and have sex. circumstances shouldn't and never have held anyone back from having sex before.

Been there tried that but like I said he got too nervous. I was the one that instigated it

guest252 wrote: »

also, ok, at 24 perhaps you meet a fair few virgins but I'm with drako on this one.....the older you get, the more you have to question why that person hasn't had sex yet. I for one would be fairly unwilling to have sex with someone who's still a virgin in their late 20's...it's the culture that exists today, most people have met their 'first love' or at least been in lust enough to have sex by then, if not, maybe that person has trouble letting go enough to fall in love, or has attached some extreme importance to sex that would put me off... virginity is not something precious to guard at the expense of living life... yes I was in love the first time I had sex, turned out it wasn't real love, but at the time it was and I'm glad I had sex young (18), because it's only now after having experienced a few men and relationships that I know what I want from sex, and trust me, the first time isn't wonderful, and it's worth getting some experience so you learn how to benefit from sex physically and also how to recognise sex from love.

If you're not waiting for anything, then don't let circumstances stop you.. you're not a freak for not having had sex by now...but I'd hate to think you put it off again and again just because of circumstances, or waiting for that perfect man to come along, because neither exist...

I'm not putting it off I think because I have tried on more then one occasion with my last boyfriend but he has been two nervous or I have been. I should mention that each of our families have young children and at one stage or another both of us have been between jobs when we finally got alone. Sex to me is important when you love someone and I'm fine with that and was ready 5 months into the relationship with him but it just never happened. Like we've been intimate in other ways and such just not that way I guess.

I want to think that I won't be considered a freak for (although trying) still being a virgin :S

LegacyUser

are you opposed to having sex with someone who's not a virgin?

I ask because it might take the pressure off if you are open to this - it seems to me then that you DO want to have sex, it just didn't happen in the past because the bf and yourself got nervous - well, maybe he wasn't the right one to have sex with. Usually if a guy likes you he won't mind making the first move, especially after you've given him lots of signals like making time to be alone...so dont' worry, with the next guy, there shouldn't be any problems in that regard especially if it's not his first time.

no you're not a freak, it just hasn't happened yet, but so long as you really and truly are open to it happening, then it will when you're ready. I don't know how long you expect a guy to wait though....most men, women also, won't wait much longer than a few weeks, max a few months, so maybe re-evaluate that side of things. I know it was 3mths with my first bf before we had sex, but now that I'm older, I wouldn't really wait much more than a month...I'm currently having trouble with a guy I've started seeing cos he seems to hold off a bit more on sex, but as he hasn't explained the reasons why or assured me he's interested, I'm really starting to feel rejected and I'm thinking of bailing soon.....so you might have trouble with guys waiting, especially if you're not assuring them of your interest.

was your ex a virgin too? It's a pity he got so nervous and never tried again...

sex is important, and is about love....I hope it works out for you, but as you get older you'll probably find most people have sex with potential partners within a few weeks of meeting, at most a few months......I hope u find someone to wait with you, but you might find that hard to come by, especially as you get older, a lot will have lost their virginity already and sex becomes more about fun first before waiting for love, then a bond of love.

like 'just wanted to say' said....they got embarressed as they got older and left the dating scene because of it....it's a shame not to enjoy that side of life, and later find you've left it too late to get involved. if you want to have sex, better sooner than later, because regardless of why you're waiting, you might find guys start getting put off when they hear you're a virgin the older you get...

don't rush into it, or lose it just for the sake of it, but if a special moment comes up, take it, or arrange it - the next guy hopefully will be forward enough to take the lead....either way, enjoy the experience when it happens, and it will happen if you're open to it...especially as you get older and people are more likely to have their own apartments or money to go on weekends away with u....don't be nervous, it's a bit awkward the first time, and defo not the best sex you'll ever have - it will take a while to get used to each other's bodies, but definitely if you trust the guy and care for him, it's a brilliant close experience and defo worth repeating!!

LegacyUser

nope, I'm not opposed to having sex with a guy who isn't a virgin

my ex was a virgin and although he said he wanted to, but when it got to the act he got very nervous. I have a feeling that we both wanted to but we have body hang ups and he seemed to be too afraid of what would happen after so I guess I don't have a problem with someone with a bit more experience

I had held of for about 4 months but I guess this can be changed also of course depending on the guy and all that

Thanks

LegacyUser

To the original post, no you re not a freak, Im in the same boat as you and Im a few years older,Im 29 still a virgin,not by choice Im not waiting for marriage or anything like that I had very bad acne for years,but its cleared up now.

Due to having Acne I had very low confidence and self esteem and just wasn,t ready for dating but now that its cleared up and gone away now so Im more then ready for dating,when I read some posts by drax and guest 252 I consider judgemental, that,s the exact reason why I have a high defence mechanism getting close to people, considering some people will be Judgemental about people are who still virgins in their 20s when its not thier choice to be virgins, to the original post again theres more guys who are still virgins then you think, I know at least 3 other guys in the same boat as me each for their reasons.

LegacyUser

Hi op,
Im a 21 male and still a virgin. I dont have much advice but I tought Id just tell u that your not alone. Fair play for sticking to your morals and waiting for a relationship that your happy with. Im in a similiar boat but worse still, Iv never eve been kissed which is kinda pathetic. I was never into the whole random shifts in secondary school and didnt want a gf as I was shy, concentrating on getting to college and didnt see the point. However now that Im in college I put way to much pressure on myself and build the whole thing up in my mind and instead just head out with friends and dont even try to pull. Iv also kinda decided to wait for a number of different reasons but I think the main one is so that I have an excuse to avoid the dateing scene. Iv always kinda kept to myself and the whole idea of being that close to someone scares the life out of me (no idea why) so I remain in my comfort zone of being alone with a big wall up. And now I have just accepted that Im gonna be alone forever which i dont really mind, plus Iv more time for friends and study etc.

I really dont know how this could help u but all the best

LegacyUser

Thanks to the last two posters
allalone89 don't think like that You seem like a genuine focused ambitious guy. I was in the same boat as you with regards to me being a 21 year old (back in the day lol) and I was the one in the corner of the pub waiting on someone to talk to me instead of me talking to them
I'm still overthinky about talking to anyone ( hence this post ) or getting back into the dating scene but if anything the last couple of weeks have taught me is whatever happens its supposed to happen.

your not alone whatever you might think

bridal

you are not a freak, you have decided to wait to have sex until you feel ready and you are with 'the one'. Choosing different paths in life is ok and you are as good as the rest of us, so what if you are a virgin who is waiting a while. Yes sex is very important and it is highly important that the 2 people having sex are compatiable so they will both enjoy it, that is imperative. you are not unique , i am sure there are plenty who choose this just as you do.