I don't want to be this person anymore!

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this as I'm pretty sure my ex is floating around boards somewhere!

I'm a 21yo female living at home, never been one for staying with guys only had interest to use and abuse them. Family life not great, divorced parents and grandparents too (on both sides!), and a sibling who got so sick of my family drama that they upped and left & refuses to speak to any of us. Anyway, met a guy a year ago, a few years older and ready to settle down, wasn't too sure at first what to make of the fella.

Eventually on a night out I decided "Sure he'll do!" and went home with him. I got to know him after that and completely fell for him but after a few weeks I went on a night out with some girlfriends and ended up kissing a random guy in the club, felt awful and came clean immediately which of course caused a huge fight and eventually forgiveness. A couple of weeks later I spent the night in somebody elses bed, not to have sex or anything of the sort but just to have a warm body next to me because I felt so alone as my boyfriend & I were fighting after he stood me up that night and we hadn't seen each other in almost 2 weeks (He only lives about 30mins away!). I told him but in a way which made it his fault for not being there.

I went out again another few weeks after this with some friends and ended up having another drunken kiss, which I hid from my boyfriend. We continued dating for another couple of months but just as it approached our one year anniversary all of this came to light and he said he has seen me kiss a few people when I'm drunk but I get so stupidly drunk that I don't remember the next day. I was just recovering from depression when we first got together, I quit counselling because I felt I was getting too uncomfortable with what I needed to speak about. I drank my problems away and thought no more of it.

He no longer wants to be with me and I know I treated him badly and don't blame him for wanting to get rid. But I am so scared that I'm going to fall back into my old ways of depression and alcohol, he was the only person I've ever met that I can speak to about my real fears and struggles. I've made an appointment to get back into counselling next week but I fear like before I won't be able to talk about my real fears wit this stranger as I could never do that in counselling which kinda defeated its purpose I guess. If I stay sober then I have no problem staying completely committed to somebody, but if I drink at all then all I want is somebody to score so that I'm their only focus in the whole room, it just makes me feel like I can't be such an awful person or nobody would want me even though deep down I know its just a cheap one night thing.

I've made an appointment for counselling like I said & I plan to attend and give it another try, but it has failed me several times in the past (I've been a few times!). Does anybody else have any suggestions as to how I can forgive myself for my past and move on accepting and loving who I am?

This isn't the first time I've messed things up with a guy I like for these drunken kisses. I never had sex with anybody else while we were together, it always seems to be kisses other than the one night I just wanted company. I'm lonely, I miss him and would give anything for another chance to be with him again, but I need to accept myself before I can even think about another guy. Also, I play sport and practice yoga so I am getting exercise. I eat well and am a healthy weight, never had a problem getting guys attention which I think is half the problem. How can I learn to respect myself so that I can respect future partners?

LegacyUser

You were lucky enough to meet someone that would "do" and it turned out to be something healthy and good for you. You must be grateful for this. However, it is important that you return to counseling and truly submit to the process. In a way, it's not fair that the one person you truly share with is also your OH. It makes him your live-in counselor to a certain extent. Sharing this with another trusted people like a counselor will be the load halved again. Thusfar, you've also taken advantage of his kindess and support by cheating on him. I don't buy this 'it was just sleep- it was his fault, he abandoned me' thing and 'it's only a kiss'. I don't think you buy it either. It's badly disrespectful, of course. You know it is.

I don't think it's definitely too late to retrieve things. I think you are now at an age of reformation. Personally, I don't believe many 21 year olds are 'fully cooked', so to speak. I think that you might be crossing a threshold in your personaly growth. Make the most of it that you can. I think that you have a great sense of self and what motivates you, whether you wish to know it or not. My impression is that self-destruction has motivated you, historically. You're not a bad person but you do bad things. You know that it's bad for you but you do it anyway. I also believe that you have it in you to reform and be the wonderful, thoughtful and considerate person you want to be. Hopefully, it's not too late to be that person for your OH.

Good luck

kjl

why don't you lay off the booze, that way you wont have these drunken kisses anymore.

LegacyUser

I have given up drinking. I know that makes me a horrible person and I don't want that person. I'm afraid that counselling won't work for me, after all the times I have gone in the past and completely committed myself to it, it never helped. I only felt worse after thinking about all the horrible things I've done in my life.

beks101

Hane wrote: »

but I need to accept myself before I can even think about another guy.

This. I think your relationship with men is part of the problem - you're using it to validate yourself and as a sort of band-aid for your depression, when the fact is you need to commit yourself completely to the cause of getting better and developing your own self-confidence. Without doing this, the pattern will just continue indefinitely.

This means no more using men as a crutch, it means casting your ex to the side, forgetting about the drunken kisses and cashing in on the attention for a while, until you're emotionally and mentally healthy enough to throw yourself back out there.

A question you need to ask yourself though, and think about it long and hard and with 100% honesty, is do you really want to get better? I know the answer seems obvious, but in a way, feeding off the attention and kissing and desire you're getting from men is helping you to mask your own depression and insecurities and fixing this is going to be a hell of a lot of work. It will require patience and discipline and commitment to your counselling sessions no matter how frustrating they are and not throwing in the towel when you don't see results immediately. Counselling is not an overnight process, and often you are going to feel worse starting off as all your true feelings come to the surface.

Getting better will mean sticking 100% with the process and not throwing in the towel or running back to your ex/alcohol/more drunken encounters when this happens. But that's your first step in learning to respect yourself more and learning to put yourself first - being patient and realising it's an attempt to change the thought-patterns and behaviours of a lifetime and it's going to be the bloody hardest thing you ever do.

And another note - do trust your gut on this. If you didn't have a constructive and trustful relationship with your last counsellor, do some research and find yourself a new one. It really is important to start this process with someone you can confide in completely and who doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. Not that they need to be your best friend or make the sessions easy for you...it just needs to be someone that you trust and feel as though you can work with, and that really comes down to your own gut instinct. There are so many great counsellors out there who can help you through this.

CDfm

OP I think you are over rationalising here.

You had a pretty good set up that you liked and messed it up.But you havent been promiscuos so I reckon you are not due an appearence on the Jerry Springer Show just yet.

Counselling is fine but it seems that you want more confession than counselling and you say you still want to be the center of attention. Lots of young women do.

Maybe drink made you less inhibited but the actions are still your own. A bit flighty but you are/were aware of what is going on.

It seems to me, and I do hope you take this constructively, that you have a bit of growing up to do.

What I think you should do is go see your GP with what you have posted here and if you think you have a drink problem or whatever talk about it and discuss treatment options etc. A lot of mental health & addiction services are free. So that is something you can do.

About your chap. Its out of your hands. You might send him a card saying sorry and that you miss him and that you didnt cheat on him. You can lead a horse to water-but after that it is up to the horse. So 1 apology is good enough. If he does not get in touch -well it is not like you havent asked.

So tomorrow dress up and make a positive plan.

Do not get over critical of yourself.

up for anything

If you can't bring yourself to verbally tell the counsellor your real fears and struggles... write them down and give the counsellor what you have written. If necessary write in that you don't want to address the issues directly until you feel at ease with them but at least that way you are giving the counsellor a chance to help you deal with them. There isn't a set way to approach counselling or at least there shouldn't be and if doing this helps both of you to start from a level playing field.

As for the drinking... STOP! Unless you are an alcoholic it should be easy enough. Don't use the my friends give me grief over it excuse. Just be honest and tell people that you've stopped because you can't handle it. I stopped years ago and it never ceases to amaze me the amount of people who try and cajole and weasle me into having a drink. They can all feck off for themselves, they don't have to suffer my three day hangovers after a few drinks. They've learned to appreciate having a designated driver though. In your case, they are not the ones who will have to suffer the navel gazing and misery that drinking seems to result in in your case.

With your family history it's easy to see why you don't trust relationships but some day if you want to have a stable relationship you will have to and it'll be far easier if you're happy with the person you are.

Good luck, pet.. you are only 21 and still learning about life and yourself. Don't beat yourself up over having messed up one relationship. He may well have messed it himself up given enough time.

Taltos

Few things OP.

First the good news.
You are only 21. As trite as it sounds you are still developing as a person and when you are a bit older you may look back and not recognize the person you are right now. You may not even like the same types of things or people. Many folk rush into relationships when they are in their late teens / early 20s and end up marrying - only years later to split as they were still growing into the person they are.
Other good news - this growth never really stops.

Now for the bad news.
Please re-read your original post. What keeps jumping out at me is you trying to blame everyone else
> Parents divorced
> Grandparents divorced
> Your ex - not enough attentions - only 30 min away
> Your sibling for abandoning the family (wise one I think)
> Couselling for not working for you
> Alcohol - so tired of hearing it was the demon drink

Lets look at some of these
1. Counselling - counselling is not a cure all. Believe it or not - you have to put in 99% of the effort. It is only a mechanism for you to verbalise and work through your issues. By getting them out there you hopefully will begin to recognize patterns or events and will learn from them. You might have to try a few different counsellors but only you can make it work. Please see post above from someone else about writing things down...

2. Your EX - did you ever consider that his head was well and truly messed by you and he NEEDED these 2 weeks to see what the hell was going on?
Again as another poster said - if you were using him as your in-house therapist he was probably close to breaking - without training he would have little clue of how to help and would probably take it all inside of himself - really messing him around. Then seeing you kissing others falling around drunk only to make him feel guilty - I mean really? Do you have so little respect for yourself and others that you make the one person who cared about you so doubt himself that he was left with no choice but to leave?

What's coming up
1. Drink - It is great you have cut this out - this is definitely a start. If you are an alcoholic then this is definitely the right thing. If you are not an alcoholic then again this is still the right thing. As someone who got into trouble years ago after a blackout I will have an occasional drink - but I like to think I have learnt from my f*ck up - please learn from yours.

2 Sibling - talk to your counsellor about how them leaving has made you feel. Try to explore why you think they left. Maybe, just maybe they recognized that your family had influenced their behaviour so much that the only way they knew to fix themselves was to leave. This is not an easy choice, in fact I think sometimes people like this really have to be praised, recognizing the source of the pain and cutting it out no matter how much more it will hurt. Never ever an easy choice.

3. Parents/ Grandparents - clearly their divorces has coloured how you look at relationshps. Once more you need to talk this through with the counsellor - I suggest that you learn to see what went wrong there - see where you are repeating learned behaviours - and change it now before you repeat their mistakes.

Finally - stop beating yourself up.
It is actually great that you have admitted that you need help - and that you want to change. So many people just carry on regardless leaving the corpses of relationships in their wake. Take as much time as you need to learn who you are and how to be truly happy with that before getting into another relationship. While great - you could lose yourself in that again - when right now you really need to just focus on you. Right now you are the MOST IMPORTANT person in your life - do ALL you can to make sure that you are happy now and more importantly happy as you grow older.

Best of luck
T.