Want a family young/ views?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I surfed through the threads and was surprised to find no questions about this subject.

I want a family young. Its simple really, the reason is that I want to know my grandchildren. I want to have a measure of how well I do in life, in everything I do from business and in relationships, and I consider getting to know your grandchildren being a good measurement of how well you did as parents. This is because parents are often too close to their children to see their faults and be objective about matters.

Its also because I am very close with my grandad, who is a successful man, a self-made man that started out with nearly nothing and became relatively wealthy and raised a very good family (with a lot of ups and some very low downs in between as everyone has in their lives). I would like to be in his position some day. I am currently starting my first real business, I am very hungry and driven, I like literature and philosophy so I consider myself pretty well centred, healthy and happy. I have a lot of confidence in myself but I am not confident about how other people see me, especially women.

Now it might seem a bit crazy to be thinking about grandchildren when you don't even have a girlfriend or even an immediate prospect of one, but I just take it as a matter of course. I just never think that life will end up any other way and I think of a life as a unitary thing, where what you do or think today matters when you're 40, 60 or 80. Its not just a kind of loose string of events, when I do things they have a purpose. That to me is what people are built for, we're built for simple setups and protocols that we understand and can predict. Too much choice makes us freeze and causes massive anxiety (over making the right/wrong choices as opposed to when you only have one choice you don't feel so responsible if its wrong and are thus more content and happy) and even mental health issues.

I ramble though...

I was talking to a friend recently, which got me thinking about it, because he broke up with a long-term gf over the fact that he was near 30 and she is a little younger and he wants to have a family and she wasn't ready. We come from very different backgrounds and I was surprised to hear him say this.

Do other lads feel like this and feel they are a bit repressed about it? Do lads feel like they are afraid to come across as needy? Are women afraid of being trapped or making wrong decisions too young? Were couples so unhappy and so unwise in their choice of spouses in the past? I don't think so, and yet they married a lot younger.

It seems to me that there are a wealth of lads around that are very family oriented, and not alpha-males at all, that get short-shrift because they're a little more reserved and modest.

Emme

There's a lot to be said for starting a family young and it's a shame that more men in this country don't feel the same way as you OP. Having a family young is the norm in some Mediterranean countries like Crete. Some women don't want children when they're young but maybe that's because they've been conditioned by the norms of this society where people tend not to settle until as late as possible. I know that if I'd met the right guy when I was in my early 20s and he wanted to start a family I'd have done so without hesitation. I think that a lot of women would like to settle down and have a family young but are afraid to admit for fear of being seen as too clingy or desperate.

If you and your partner can afford to raise a family and are willing to make the sacrifices (though you might not consider doing without drunken nights out, lads holidays and gadgets as sacrifices:rolleyes:) then go for it. If you have a good support network of friends and extended family all the better. You have very little to lose and lots to gain.

Beruthiel

Confident, but clueless wrote: »

I want a family young. Its simple really, the reason is that I want to know my grandchildren.

Then you better have a load of children and hope one of them is interested in having children of their own.
You don't have a child because you expect them to produce, just so you can be a grand parent.

seamus

I'm not entirely sure what your PI/Question is here.

Certainly having children younger is not the norm nowadays, but there would be two primary reasons for this:

1. People are enjoying their twenties too much to be tied down
2. They don't have the money to have children

Men as much as women feel like this and with the more open society we have in this country these days, I've heard plenty of "older" people recommending that you should enjoy your twenties, there's plenty of time to have kids.

I would imagine that on the whole, the number of men and women looking to have children at various stages of life is somewhat equal. That is, there are just as many men looking to have children early as there are women. As such, there are just as many men who don't want children early as there are women. Obviously as you hit the mid-30's, the balance will skew somewhat as nature takes over and women have to make the "kids now or never" choice.

I do agree that young families have been somewhat stigmatised recently, but that doesn't mean that the country is full of repressed people dying to have kids. In reality you probably have a sizeable number of people who want children with their current partner, but have come to a compromise over when is a reasonable time to have them.

SheRa

You are putting huge pressure on yourself to have children and grandchildren pronto (Beruthiel makes an excellent point there btw) and also to have a girlfriend/wife(to make the babies happen!).

What if, once you have ticked this objective off your list, you have grandkids and shock horror they dont get on with you, or perhaps you never see them as your child lives on the other side of the world? Will you feel like you have failed? I dont know if you are very young, but you seem very naive about life.

Its like you are seeking approval from your as yet unborn grandchildren.

Theres a big difference between being family orientated and wanting children to have a measure of how well you are doing in life. You mention that you have confidence, sorry, but your post comes across as anything but. You seem to be desperately seeking validation.

Look, its great for anyone that knows that they want kid early, if they re broody, but you want them for an entirely different reason.

How about working on yourself, enjoying life for now and becoming happy in your own skin. You say that you are, but like I said you do come across the opposite to that.

Taltos

Confident, but clueless wrote: »

I want a family young. Its simple really, the reason is that I want to know my grandchildren. I want to have a measure of how well I do in life, in everything I do from business and in relationships, and I consider getting to know your grandchildren being a good measurement of how well you did as parents.

OP - the above section really threw me for a loop.
Wanting children so you can know from your grandchildren if you did a good job is in my opnion more than a little egocentric.

I suggest you sit back and really consider why children are so important to you? If they are just a physical measure of your success than candidly can I suggest that this is the wrong reason to have kids and that they in turn may be better off not being born.

Children/grandchildren - whatever - are unique humans in their own right and should never ever be used as a yardstick to how successful anyone person is. Instead I would suggest pouring that desire into your business and leaving that as a legacy or a charitable foundation in your later years.

LegacyUser

I agree that there is a huge amount of pressure from society to delay having a family. Many people still want to start their family young but are afraid to of being seen as needy or boring... I know that was the case for me in my twenties. Irish society also expects home ownership before reproduction, though views may change due to current revelations... So generally, I don't think there's anything wrong with starting your family young, and in many ways we've swung too far in the other way. But this is not the humanities forum.

What worries me in your post is that you seem to children/grandchildren as landmarks along your trajectory of personal success. Many people do. You'd be hardpressed to think up a reason for a planned pregnancy that isn't selfish on some level. But unfortunately life doesn't always unfurl so smoothly. You may encounter fertility issues, or have a broken relationship. Businesses fail. Children may have medical issues or choose childlessness themselves... none of these things are a good reason to not go for it and start a family. But I agree with SheRa regarding validation issues. If you landmark your life to such an extent and don't meet your own expectations then what are you left with?

I don't want to be all doom and gloom, I'm sure things will work out fine for you. But make sure that you leave room in your plans for your own personal growth. You can grow as a person with or without kids. As the Dalai Lama said the other day, we need to stop looking towards external things for happiness. Sometimes people with kids (especially those who sprog early) seem to allow parenthood to define them to the point of being their justification for existence. There are maybe twenty years of intensely involved parenthood but eighty years of you... just some thoughts.

Also be careful that your desire to have kids doesn't mean you settle for a relationship of convenience.

Daisy M

Confident, but clueless wrote: »

Hi all,


I want a family young. Its simple really, the reason is that I want to know my grandchildren .

Do you actually long for the children you plan on having or just the grandchildren? Have you put any though into what been a parent will be like? I would say stop worrying until you are in a serious relationship

Dudess

If you want to do it, go for it. No need to be justifying yourself - it's more unusual nowadays, but it's not non existent. And while it means missing out on regular nights out, travelling etc, some people don't mind that.

Just make sure you're doing so for the right reasons though...

IrishEyes19

You sound very young, OP, and my advice would be to enjoy being young now and stop worrying about having a family young. Yes it will be a great treat to have grand kids someday and get to know them and dote on them.

But having a family requires responsibilities and serious responsibilities too. I would reccomend enjoy your youth and the freedom it brings and try to forget this for a while.

As other posters have said, life isnt about having a routine and a set of goals and achieving them by a certain age. Certainly goals are great, as are acheivements, however relationships and families happen in good time. Meaning you will meet someone, some day, fall in love hopefully and perhaps have a family.

But having ideas of pro-creation merely because you wish to be young when you do have kids is planning ahead way too much. Things dont always work out when you plan them like that. Enjoy today, rather than looking forward to tomorrow!!

Not obsessively planning ahead avoids disappointment, OP!! Just a thought.Live for now!! You're young. Your biggest worries shouldn't be concerning grandchildren.

God...

No offence OP, there is nothing wrong with having kids young and starting a family young if that's what you want to do.

But your reasons are completely crazy!! As has been pointed out what if your kids don't share your ideas and don't want kids early or at all?
Do you think you control that?
What if your kids have completely different ideas than you and they don't want to have anything to do with you?
Are you single now? Or have you met someone you want kids with?

Not putting you down just don't think you have thought this through it's one thing if you're thinking that having kids would be great and someday maybe grand kids and liking the idea of it all but your almost certainly setting your self up for a fall the way you are thinking!

Relax and enjoy life otherwise your going to end up a grandad with a lot of regrets more than having a grandchild that you can look at and makes you feel you've accomplished something.

CDfm

OP - you are you & not your father or grandfather.

You are just starting off and do not have kids yet - so how can you get a plan like that together which is dependant on other people.

You seem to want the relationship you and your grandfather have with the child of a child in 50 years time.

Enjoy now.

cafecolour

Life expectancy is into the 80s these days. If both you and your kids have their kids in the 25-30 age range, you'll be dying when your grandkids are in their mid-20s.

Witchie

As a young parent myself I would recommend it if its what you really want and not for the seemingly silly reasons you stated.

I had my first at 21 and 2nd at 24 and its great. They are in their teens now and by the time they are making their way in the world at 21 and 18 I will only be 42 and still have time to do all the travelling I missed out on by having them young.

It is very tough though and you do have to grow up fierce fast. No partying til all hours for many years but when they are older and if you have a good support network around you, it is attainable.

Anyways whatever you decide, I hope that the moment you first set eyes on your child you will feel complete and realise that the total and complete love you have for it is the only reason to have children. Good luck! x