Moody Girlfriend

LegacyUser

I want to start this post by saying I love my girlfriend more than anything. But there is one problem in our relationship that I just don't know how to fix. She is incredibly moody and cold when she doesn't get her own way on things.

For example if there is an evening where I can't stay over at her house and she wants me to she gets really moody and adopts a whatever attitude with me. I find this hurtful and unfair as it is always me that does the running around anyways. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn't listen. Or if there is an evening I just want to spend at my own house she gets moody and sulky with me, saying she is not my priority. Sometimes it makes me nervous to go straight home when I finish work because I don't want to deal with a drama. She doesn't seem to just logic things out or think about why I need to go home etc.

She doesn't really like to come over to my place as I still live with the folks(I know at 26 that is not very attractive for a guy but it circuimstance dictating for the moment) as it means she doesn't have the option to stay over and hates having the bus trip home.

Has anyone had this situation? Any advice?

Have you sat down and talked to her about it and told her how it makes you feel

STIG83

Sounds like she is really clingy OP, just sit her down and tell her how you feel.
I always said to myself i wouldnt put up with a GF who is moody like that.

somehelprequired

somehelprequired wrote: »

I've tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn't listen.

she gets moody and sulky with me, saying she is not my priority.

So she wont listen to how you feel, or have a conversation that you want to have, but expects absolute dedication from you? You say she gets upset about thinking she's not your priority, and I don't know if you reassure her by convincing her that she is your priority, but here's the truth:
You should be your priority.

Of course she should have a certain level of importance in your life, and she should take priority over things like your favourite TV show, but expecting to be your #1 priority is unreasonable. You say you're 26, so I assume she's an adult too. So you should be able to look out for yourself and so should she. You should support her, and she should support you. Instead it seems that she's not thinking of your point of view at all, and you're not helping things by trying to fulfill her every whim. She shouldn't get her way all the time and she needs to accept that.

She doesn't really like to come over to my place as I still live with the folks(I know at 26 that is not very attractive for a guy but it circuimstance dictating for the moment) as it means she doesn't have the option to stay over and hates having the bus trip home.

She hates the bus trip home? How do you get to/from her house? Surely for every bus trip home from yours she avoids, you then have to get a bus to and from hers, irrespective of whether the bus home is that night or the next morning. I'm sure you guys don't just constantly have sex, it's not like the odd movie/lunch/dinner in yours would be affected by you living with your parents. In a relationship, you should both occasionally do things you hate for the sake of the other person. You clearly understand that, by meeting up with her when she gets all antsy. Next time she hassles you tell her you're going home and that if she needs to see you she's more than welcome to come over to yours.

It's totally understandable that you're getting fed up of this. Since you can't get through to her by talking, try acting how you feel instead. Don't give in to her. If she wants to see you when you're just off work, give her the option of following you around for a change. To be honest I'd say you've made excuses for her up till now because you don't feel great about living with your parents. It shouldn't make a difference. Good luck.

fghijkl

This line really stood out for me

She doesn't seem to just logic things out or think about why I need to go home etc.

OP i have a friend like this. It's so incredibly frustrating.
Everything must revolve around her. She must always come first in her life.

I mean i love her to bits and she's an incredibly good friend and has so many good qualities, but she has seriously damaged and lost a lot of relationships because of this.

In my friends case i think it's because she has had a difficult past and without going into too much detail has serious abandonment issues. In her head if someone says they can't do something for her/go some where with her she simply sees it as the other person not caring enough about her. Logic/Rationality just doesn't even enter the equation.

Sometimes it makes me nervous to go straight home when I finish work because I don't want to deal with a drama.

You have to stop avoiding confrontation, this is the only way i could get things to change with my friend. Sit her down on a day where ye're both having a good time and are calm, explain to her that you have serious issues with her behaviour, that you love her but you have your own life and sometimes you have to put other things first but that doesn't mena you love her any less. Tell her you won't be having any further discussion about this and you're not going to accept her childish behaviour anymore, and most importantly follow through on this. If your gf wants you to go to x place with her and you can't then explain calmly that you'd love to but you can't go because of x reason. If she starts saying it's because she's not your priority, just repeat calmly again that you can't go because of x reason. Do not feed her sulking, ignore it. Change the subject if she keeps bringing it up. If she will not stop talking about it, then simply get up and calmly tell her she's being irrational and you're going to go home and you will talk to her when she's calmed down, and then leave. She should eventually cop on.
I know this is the way you would treat a child, but honestly it's such bloody immature behaviour it's the only way it can be handled.

By all means try and see if you can sort out her behaviour but also be aware OP at the end of the day she sounds very needy and it really doesn't sound like she makes any effort to see you at all (i mean not wanting to go to your place because she has to get a bus home is a bit much). I hate to say it but it sounds like she wants someone to look after her and wait on her hand and foot, rather than wanting an actual partner. It shouldn't be a one way thing, she should show as much interest in your relationship as you do, and honestly it doesn't sound like she does.

I am a friend

She is not moody, she is manipulative and she is playing you like a fiddle... She is controlling you through manipulation and you are letting her. What are you getting out of this other than a guilt complex for no reason. Stand up to her or you will have nothing but a dogs life and guess who will be holding the lead?!?!

Azureus

You really do have to be upfront with her about this.
I dont agree with the above manipulation theory, because Ive seen this happen with countless friends and when its pointed out to them they are mortified.
She probably is just needy and doesnt realise the extent of what she is doing, spell it out to her and make it clear that its not acceptable.

It might take her a bit of time but she will cop on.

If not, then I take it back and 'I am a friend' is right!

Kevin Duffy

somehelprequired wrote: »

Sometimes it makes me nervous to go straight home when I finish work because I don't want to deal with a drama.

If you alter your behaviour in order to avoid confronting her immature behaviour, you will only re-inforce it.

Have a calm conversation, tell her how it affects you, tell her what change you need. If she doesn't want to listen, point out that undermines your whole relationship because there will be harder things to talk about in the future.
If she does it again, confront it at the time and do not give in to it. If she loves you, she will respect you for it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys. Whenever I try to talk to her about it she says that she acts like she does to protect herself from feeling bad when I am gone. So it kind of makes me think it's a mix of manipulation and insecurity. Probably more insecurity but ahhh!

Anytime she has been sulking and I have stuck to my guns and left she ends up ringing me about 10 times. I end up going back there is more drama etc

HugoDrax

Tell her that she can jump in the river because you are not, repeat, not going to be emotionally blackmailed.
Tell her that you really like her but if she wants to stay with you, you will always be your own man and she can take it or leave it.
If she really respects you she should get the message.
You sometimes have to be cruel to be kind.
If not then end it and find some other girl because is she won't change now, she never will.
Imagine marrying this woman and having her screaming at you or perhaps hitting you?
She thinks because you live with your parents and you have a job, you don't have free time nd that you find it hard to meet other women so she thinks she can treat you as her slave.
Let her know she is dealing with a man and not a lapdog.
It's nice to have a woman in your life but it's not nice to have someone else controlling your life.
That's not love. That's selfishness.

Fentdog84

Ok. You dont need this hassle. You need to lay down the law. If she cant treat you with respect then you dont want her in your life. How dare she ring your phone 10 times in one night shouting and screaming and making demands.You need to bring this all to head, whether she wants to talk about it or not. Suggest you go on a break, if rejects that idea break up with her and just walk away. This girl is obviously someone who is used to getting her own way. A girl like this will only drag you down emotionally. Plenty more out there.

LegacyUser

For some reason, your girl reminds me of myself. Lol. And my reasons? I neverlike going to my guy's house cos his parents intimidate me. I don't like sneaking around at night feeling like a teenager so we won't disturb his parents. Then, I am insecure. I admit that I am. I used to be very confident of having him, but he showed intentions of being with another girl he liked. He loves me. He wants to marry me. But. But. And but he can't prove that he can be a husband which hurts me because I love him and he cant even move out from his parents house. Hey, maybe you are my guy....

TheRealSquishy

I'm quite suspicious that this may be my boyfriend I'm the moody girlfriend but not in a stroppy sense. If there is something wrong I will distance myself from my poor boyfriend even though he has done nothing wrong. I always apologise for being moody though and explain why.

It sounds like either she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong, which was me at first, but if you tell her how hurtful it is she should realise what she's doing. It might knock some sense into her that she's only cutting off her nose to spite her face sometimes and it will still probably happen occasionally but remind her that it hurts and if she cares about you it should stop.

Or she knows exactly what she is doing and is used to getting her own way. If that's the case I would tell her that you won't put up with it. Tell her get her priorities right or she will lose you. It does sound like you are setting her straight but she's ignoring you and that's really unfair.

Relationships are give and take but this sounds like you're doing all the giving and she's doing all the taking. Try writing her a letter, I find that it's so much easier to be really honest that way.

LegacyUser

God this sounds a lot like my ex girlfriend, could very well be! i spent 7 months with her and then decided enough was enough! I was always the bad guy and felt like i was walking on egg shells aroun her. If you want my advice it would be to get out now while you can!! It was the best thing ive ever done, get out and meet other lovely women out there who play fair

metrovelvet

It probably is insecurity. Most people's crazy behavior most of the time comes from insecurity. Usually fear of loss of control or abandonment. Those are the biggies. And she will behave in such a way as to drive you away and confirm all her fears of loss of control and abandonment. Its so textbook its nearly embarrassing.

Saying that, it too often has damaging consequences to those in the vicinity of this behavior.

This is entirely fixable, but not by you. She can remedy her self sabotaging behavior professionally and work through whatever pain is causing her to take these measures with you.

Do not be her therapist. You will only get her healthy and perfect for the next guy while you did all the work. Encourage her to see one. If she wont, then you have to decide how much more of this you can take before you end up on the couch yourself.

Taltos

somehelprequired wrote: »

Sometimes it makes me nervous to go straight home when I finish work because I don't want to deal with a drama

This is the part to hammer home.
She has to realise that her actions are actually driving you away.
I mean come on - eventually you will get so sick of her sh1t that you will just turn off your phone so you can have a relaxing evening - essentially by escaping from her craziness if only for a little while.

Have the talk again - when you get her "oh it is my insecurities" you need to be firm "I get that - I really do - but your issues are now starting to drive us apart - is that what you really want here?" - harsh I know - but I am a plain speaker.