My boyfriend is after breaking down!

gitizzy

My boyfriend of nearly 6 years is after breaking down massively over the last few weeks. He was sexually abused by a fu**er as a kid/teenager! My boyfriend was weird at the start of our relationship about or sexual relationship. After a while he shred this with me and he told me little bit about what happened to him. I suggested he should get help but he point blank refused he said he didn't want to be seeing as a failure.
Our relationship continued over the years and we had many good times and he often had a bad days here and there but he normally snapped out of them! This man is a blood relative of my boyfriend. He did this to him. The man that abused him came back into his life a lot in November and he still acts weird around my partner. He still has the nerve to feel his legs and back. He totally hates himself because of this man. My partner was going good up until about feb of this year and no he has gone down hill. He used cry in his sleep before every so often but he broke down in front of me a few week ago. He just started saying that he hated himself and that he deserved it and that he was a waste of space. He doesn't drink alcohol really. So that is a major advantage the only thing is he abuses is food a lot. He feel happy when he eats and I have no problem with this.
He is a lovely partner. Treats me wonderfully and other people in his life. He is actually the one of the nicest guys ever.
Any advice?
I have recommended 1 in 4 and organisations but he contacted them and he found they didn't really help!

Fluorescence

The only thing he can really do to overcome his past is see a counscelor of some description. Is pressing charges against the abusor an option?


EDIT to add: You absolutely must assure him that in no way is he a failure. He cannot be held at fault. He did not deserve what happened. He will not be seen as weak when he gets help.

thecookingapple

This is a terrible thing to have happened to your bf, he needs help and if he wont seek it himself then you have to, using food as a crutch will not help him, it will affect his mental and physical health and yours too in the future, sit him down and be the strong one, tell him for both your sakes and future happiness that you have booked a session with a proffesional and tell him that you will be there to love, support and most importantly to hold his hand until he can do this for himself, take one step at a time, the ''thing'' that did this to him can be dealt with when your bf has the mental strenght to deal with ''it'', until then remember this : there is a light that never goes out.

good luck and stay strong.

gitizzy

I am always telling him that it's his fault but he won't believe it. He believe's he is a waste of space and there is not special about he says that he is not a really man and he should have being able to protect himself. He is really low now because he use tell himself that it wasn't his fault because he was a kid but lately he came up to him and started to rub him he just froze. That might be hard to understand but the power that this man has just makes him feel nervous and he begins to shake!

calex71

Just had a look on the 1 in 4 web site there, I see they have an option for them to contact you by email, not just phone. Maybe your partner would try that?

Failing that why don't you get in touch with them yourself? Maybe they could give you advice for helping your partner and help you deal with things also as I'm sure it can't be easy.

Edit: Just re read the OP and see he has tried them, you should still give them a bell OP.

Kimia

Why is he still in contact with this man?? Tell him that he never has to see him again!

gitizzy

Kimia wrote: »

Why is he still in contact with this man?? Tell him that he never has to see him again!

He is his brother. This is the gutting part of it. He was gone away for about 5=6 years but he us back now. So if he wants to spend time with his family at events. he has to be around him!

Fluorescence

Holy crap! Does any one else in the family know their history? Tbh your boyfriend is going to have to disown his brother - cut all ties - in order to get any kind of grip on his life at all.


But really, he needs to speak to a professional. Any chance you can set up an appointment and try to convince him to go?

gitizzy

fluorescence wrote: »

Holy crap! Does any one else in the family know their history? Tbh your boyfriend is going to have to disown his brother - cut all ties - in order to get any kind of grip on his life at all.

He loves his family! He wants to stay in contact with them but he is afraid he won't be believed because my boyfriend isn't as perfect as his brother. My bf was more of a messer growing up. He did okay in school and went and did a course in an it. He also drinks at family events now much just casually but his parents/family doesn't like this. He also gave up going to mass. He gave up on the whole religion thing years ago.
Now the bro that horrible man that has destroyed my bf life is seeing as perfect. 550 points in the leaving. University degree and now has an excellent job. He is a religious twat and doesn't drink. He comes across as a perfect little son!

Fluorescence

I really feel for your bf. It sounds very tough Dunno what I can suggest on top of what I've already said though....

Taltos

Sorry no real advice on how to help your OH directly - but would he consider seeking legal advice or talking to the gardai. It is just it is highly unlikely that his brother stopped at just abusing him - cousins? children? nephews/neices?

The only way to stop him again is to bring it out into the open...

Sorry.

LegacyUser

My partner had the same experience. Hes a great man however he used to shut me out when he would feel so bad about what happened to him. I kept encouraging him gently to get help, eventually it all got too much for him and he kept crying one day over a work incident. He went through A&E in a local hospital and they put him on a waiting list for counselling. He attended for almost 2 years and it has done him the world of good. I also recommend a great book called "the feeling good handbook", it could help him while he waits for some help. Best of luck, he has the support of someone who understands which is half the battle.

gitizzy

Taltos wrote: »

Sorry no real advice on how to help your OH directly - but would he consider seeking legal advice or talking to the gardai. It is just it is highly unlikely that his brother stopped at just abusing him - cousins? children? nephews/neices?

The only way to stop him again is to bring it out into the open...

Sorry.

He is really afraid he won't be believed and he has no proof it actually happened because he is afraid he'll hurt his family if he reports it!

seamus

gitizzy wrote: »

He is really afraid he won't be believed and he has no proof it actually happened because he is afraid he'll hurt his family if he reports it!

He's not mistaken.

It will hurt his family, these things always do. And there's a fair chance that he won't be believed or at the very least that it'll be played down and everyone will go into denial.

So I would say he's justified about not making this a family issue, at least for the moment. But at the same time he's never going to be able to handle it on his own, and probably not when he only has you to bounce off. No offence to you, you just presumably have no experience in this area.
He needs to talk to a professional and work through his trauma. This will help him build up the strength to confront the problem straight on instead of trying to forget about it. Then he will have the strength to decide if he can make it a family issue or if he can bury the hatchet or whatever.

It might be no harm for you to contact one of the organisation on his behalf to get advice. You don't have to give them any of his details, but they may be able to help you in convincing him to see someone about it. Do you think he'd be comfortable going to a doctor (doesn't have to be his own), and asking for a referral to a counsellor?
Even if he goes in under the banner of "depression" (which often goes hand-in-hand with this kind of thing anyway), then the first counsellor can refer him on to someone more qualified to deal with abuse victims, if necessary.

aidan24326

gitizzy wrote: »

He still has the nerve to feel his legs and back.

gitizzy wrote: »

He is really low now because he use tell himself that it wasn't his fault because he was a kid but lately he came up to him and started to rub him he just froze. That might be hard to understand but the power that this man has just makes him feel nervous and he begins to shake!

This is disgusting. Creeps like your bf's brother should not be allowed to get away this kind of stuff. If your bf doesn't confront this now it will eat him up eventually. What his brother has done in the past is a terrible betrayal of sibling trust not to mention a criminal offence too, and to think he's still pervily touching up your bf even now is absolutely appalling and shows that he hasn't changed a bit.

I'm not your bf but if it was me I think I don't think I'd care how much of a can of worms it opened or how much world war three kicked off in my family, it would sicken me to the point of vomiting to see this golden boy being championed as the favourite son while all the time he's been a disgusting creep. And who knows what other sexual abuses he has committed, abusers like this guy don't usually stop at one victim. I would urge your bf to tackle this now before it destroys him. (and ideally so his paedo pervert brother can be exposed for what he is - your bf seriously needs to stand up to this pathetic bully).

Contacting a support group would be a start, and in all honesty he would be well withing his rights to be contacting the guards too.

LegacyUser

You need to have your boyfriend discuss this with his family, without his brother present.

He's afraid his family will chose his brother over him, i get that, but if he does not, he will be in constant torture.

Once he discusses this with his family, and every one is aware of the issue, they can, as a family move forward and decide what to do next. That may be councelling, legal action, disowning the nasty brother or a combo of those suggestions.

First, best and toughest step though is to discuss this with his family. In the end its down to one thing, how will he become happy again.

Will he just get over this and be happy?
Will he discuss this with his family, they look infavourably on him but the hurt is less than it was when they didnt know?
Will they accept what he has to say and help him out in any way they can?

Help him talk to his family about this, after that the next steps will become clear.

dan_d

He really has to ask for help.

I understand (but I've no experience of it), that abuse victims often feel like that - that they're worthless humans, that they must have done something wrong for that to happen to them, that they "deserved" it, and in the case of men, that they aren't real men because they couldn't stop it happening. Apparently those are common feelings for them.

He really, really needs to talk to someone OP. Seriously. Can he got to his GP and ask for a reference for a counsellor? There's a lot more going on here that you will be able to help with. It doesn't mean the family has to be aware of what has happened. It just means he gets help to deal with what's going on inside his head.

I wouldn't worry him too much about getting the Gardai involved (though I'd rethink it if there are kids around this man). But for you OH, start by suggesting he go to a doctor. Not the family one. A stranger if needs be. And ask for a referral to a counsellor. He may not be able to tell the doctor why he wants it - I don't know if that's something you might be able to help with. But he really needs to get help.

Plek Trum

OP - from experience, I would suggest that you contact your local Rape Crisis centre. DOnt be put off by the name, they are experts at dealing with childhood abuse and the effects on partners etc. The service is free, confidential, although donations are welcome. Find your nearest one here:

www.rcni.ie/rape-crisis-centres.aspx

They also help partners / family members / friends of people that have been abused. I fully understand your boyfriends inability to seek help and it is something that he will have to decide to do for himself in time. In the meanwhile, it may help if you contacted them and see what approach they advise.

I used their service and found them amazing to deal with, couldn't recommend contacting them highly enough.

Its only by contacting them and tackling this issue that you will be able to break the hold his brother has over him. When / if your boyfriend goes to counselling he will, with time, be more than able to put his brother where he belongs.

gitizzy

He is actually never near kids now! He is doesn't have kids and he is gay. This made my boyfriend struggle with his sexuality. There might be a chance that my bf is bisexual because he I found links to gay porn on his laptop. I never said nothing to him. He said something to me along the lines of that He found a guy sexy but he was into me.
I know he loves me and I love him. We actually have a Brilliant relationship together he treats me with respect and he has never once being violent to me. He gets on great with kids really protects them and looks after them My nieces and nephews look up to him. He has the opinion that if he they have someone like him in there lives that he'll do his best to protect them from monsters. My bf was also badly bullied in school and he can tell when people are unhappy. Now I would just like to point out he would never do anything to a kid if ye're thinking that. He just want to protect everyone he can. He is actually always there for his friends and anybody willing to do anything for anybody. He just doesn't care about himself! He has this happy act that he puts on around people.
He has a medical card at the moment and money is tight for contacting a Councillor!

neuro-praxis

You sound like a fantastic, supportive partner.

A lot of places charge on a sliding scale to people on low incomes (although it is believed that counselling is actually more effective when the patient pays something towards it, as they can then view it as a personal investment in their health and wellbeing).

What area are you living in? If Dublin, I know that the Lucan Family Centre (01-6217022), who have dealt with hundreds of abuse issues, have counsellors that charge as low as €20 an hour for those who have low resources. They have male and female counsellors. I can personally vouch for these guys.

Even if you are not in the Dublin area, it is possible that they could recommend someone near where you live.

Best of luck however you two decide to proceed.

letsbehonest

gitizzy wrote: »

I know he loves me and I love him. We actually have a Brilliant relationship together he treats me with respect and he has never once being violent to me. He gets on great with kids really protects them and looks after them My nieces and nephews look up to him. He has the opinion that if he they have someone like him in there lives that he'll do his best to protect them from monsters. My bf was also badly bullied in school and he can tell when people are unhappy. Now I would just like to point out he would never do anything to a kid if ye're thinking that. He just want to protect everyone he can. He is actually always there for his friends and anybody willing to do anything for anybody. He just doesn't care about himself! He has this happy act that he puts on around people.

He seems like a really nice guy and he cares for everyone except himself!

up for anything

I'm not sure whether this is advisable but in this case it might be. Would you feel able to have a word with his brother and tell him you know and that if he touches your boyfriend/his brother physically again you will have no hesitation in going to the Gardaí, their family or their family priest and opening the whole can of worms? What he seems to be doing now is making sure that your boyfriend is kept off kilter so that he keeps his mouth shut and it's working.

Maybe the threat of whistleblowing will stop him in his tracks and gain your boyfriend a bit of time to get mentally strong enough again to tackle the issue of getting help for himself.

LegacyUser

I agree with some people here, you have to contact one of the organisations. On YOUR behalf, as a partner of someone who have been abused. Not only to seek guidance on how to convince him to seek guidance himself (forgive me, but I dislike to use the word 'help' in this context, the other one seems to me to be a much more fitting term), also to learn how to support him the best now and once his counselling starts.
Also, I've noticed the mention of him contacting the organisations. However I don't think me making assumptions as to why did he find they 'didn't really help' could do much good here. Neither would repeating things that have been said many times in this thread. Yet I will repeat some words, and pardon me for that: 'no man is an island'. But in the end everyone is a 'brain in a jar'. We all form bonds, we all influence each other. But in the end reality is to us only what we make of it. We interpret other people's actions, we expect things of them, we try to guess what's in their heads and in the end it's all just a reflection of the images in our minds. Like if everyone had a mirror there and tried to make things out from what they see in it. And sometimes it's really distorted. But in the end that 'mirror' is not a thing we conctructed on our own. Other people taught us that, other people affect it, make it change. But I'm talking all weird again. Part of what I wanted to say... When we're afraid of other people judging us, it's because we've already judged ourselves. And it's not always just, not always true. But still we're only truly willing to accept what's in accordance with that judgement, but at the same time if we judge ourself negative we hope it not to be true, we wish to hear that from other people, even if we dismiss that words as false. But still those kind words stay in us, let us keep hoping.
A human mind is a truly wodrous thing, and a truly mysterious one. It's a paradox, something that at the same time shaped by the outside world and shaping it, choosing what to make it's truth and what to make it's false. But even with that, if some outside 'message' it refuses to accept is strong or persistent enough in the end the mind is forced to accept it, a phenomenon used by mankind both for good and for evil. But in the end what can change the mind is only the mind itself.
From what I read here you seem to me like a wonderful person, like the exact kind of person he needs. You love him, you try to help him. Yet the only person who can help your boyfriend is your boyfriend himself. It is his fight and all you can do is keep supporting him. Which may and should include help in finding and accepting guidance. Which support and guidance is what makes it possible for a human to take up such a fight. And it's only natural to need guidance when facing something we've never dealt with before, after all even such a trivial thing as walking is something we learn from others. And if we're talking about it, even such a trivial thing is not easy, as all the attempts to teach robots how to walk prove.
I'm sorry if my post got messy or hard to understand, the whole problem with language is that ideas that seem so clear and easy in one's head prove to transform into lenghty and complicated ramblings once you try to put them into words. Then you end up saying even not half of what you really mean in twice the space you intended and with third of the clarity you aimed for.
Of other matters brought up in this thread, I strongly discourage you of confronting his brother now, not to mention telling the rest of the family or making your boyfriend do that. Even if it has a chance to work (doubt it, at least not now) making any 'noise' about it is the last thing your boyfriend needs I think. Still, I also strongly believe that you should contact some of the organisations yourself and that asking them for advice on steps you should take would be a good idea as they do have experience with situations like this.

gitizzy

I contacted an organisation. hey are meant to e-mail me back.
Is he depressed can any one tell me please.
Well He locks himself in the bathroom having baths almost every night for hours on end.
His sleeping pattern is all over the place.
A goods nights sleep for him is 5-6 hours and he rarely gets this.
He won't buy new clothes as he says there's no point.
He hasn't contacted his friends in weeks actually he's barely left the house.

Fluorescence

We can't give a diagnoses online, but it is apparant that he really needs to speak to a professional. I'm sure there's some sort of financial support available if you don't think you're in a position to afford it...

LegacyUser

The poor guy. He sounds in a bad way. The first thing to do is try get him to get help from a medical professional. Then he might find it easier to see things clearly. You've obviously been a great help to him and he does need your support now.
For what it's worth a family close to me went through some of the same stuff. Someone accused a sibling of abuse and there was absolute hell to pay. The victim came off worst in that many of the family didn't believe that the alleged abuser could or would have done what the victim said happened. There has been such fallout that no one is talking to anyone else and the mother of the family-an elderly woman is going mad that it ever came out at all since it was all so long ago. I only say this to make you aware that going down the road of reporting and following it through might make life difficult for you both. Personally I would go doen the route of no contact with the brother in any way shape or form and let people wonder

common sense brigade

He is actually never near kids now!

OP how can you vbe sure of this unless you live in the brothers pockets? he cleary has a thing for kids/youths and god knows who else he did it too or is likely to do it too. are you going to have kids in the future with your boyfriend? then think about what your going to do then. will you still go to family events and risk your own child? sorry i dont mean to upset you just want you to see the point im trying to make. you need to keep your boyfriend away from his brother. its up to your boyfriend if he reports him but I think he should.

gitizzy

Well we had a talk and he said he will go and see someone soon!
We sat down last night and had a big chat about life. The thing is if we were to report his brother we wouldn't be able to afford a solicitor really and his brother could afford the best of the best. He has no evidence of the abuse taking place just what is in his head.
He often wonders of how his life would be different now if this has never happened. He lost contact with most of his friends because he was afraid of getting drunk and saying something about what happened.
The other night my bf told me that he often has dreams of the abuse taking place again. He has these really clear images of everything what he was wearing what his brother was wearing, the smell etc.
He says he hates the night mares most of all because it's like he is re living the abuse again and again and he can't stop.
His brother is really nice to him now he is always buying us stuff. He is always giving us money and gifts. A lot of the time we accept them but sometimes calls him a rent boy and he is getting his pay now!

SheRa

gitizzy wrote: »

Well we had a talk and he said he will go and see someone soon!
We sat down last night and had a big chat about life. The thing is if we were to report his brother we wouldn't be able to afford a solicitor really and his brother could afford the best of the best. He has no evidence of the abuse taking place just what is in his head.
He often wonders of how his life would be different now if this has never happened. He lost contact with most of his friends because he was afraid of getting drunk and saying something about what happened.
The other night my bf told me that he often has dreams of the abuse taking place again. He has these really clear images of everything what he was wearing what his brother was wearing, the smell etc.
He says he hates the night mares most of all because it's like he is re living the abuse again and again and he can't stop.
His brother is really nice to him now he is always buying us stuff. He is always giving us money and gifts. A lot of the time we accept them but sometimes calls him a rent boy and he is getting his pay now!

That is horrific what his brother says to him, he's admitting that it happened and laughing about it:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:.

Mother of god, why are you accepting his gifts?

Tape his brother saying that and bring it to the guards.

christina_x

gitizzy wrote: »

He is his brother. This is the gutting part of it. He was gone away for about 5=6 years but he us back now. So if he wants to spend time with his family at events. he has to be around him!

IMO that scum does not deserve to the thought of as a brother. Maybe he was a brother to your partner once upon a time. But now he's just a piece of filth that has put your partner through more than enough and does not deserve to live his life carefree. He deserves everything he gets and a whole lot more after that.

up for anything

gitizzy wrote: »

His brother is really nice to him now he is always buying us stuff. He is always giving us money and gifts. A lot of the time we accept them but sometimes calls him a rent boy and he is getting his pay now!

That is crazy. Are you saying that his brother calls him a rent boy and says that he is getting his pay now when you accept the gifts. His brother knows you know what happened and that he is still getting away with it. You shouldn't be accepting his presents or presence.

common sense brigade

something very odd going on here OP. If a relative abused my husband years ago you can bet ur bottom dollar i would cut my right arm off before i would accept gifts off the abuser. thats disgusting. and if your party to accepting gifts and cash of this man i would question your motivation. do u actually love your partner? love is more than words. if u love him you should be protecting him.

gitizzy

He doesn't give me gifts just my bf. He doesn't use the gifts on one occasion he recked a gift. When my bf was younger he use always accept the gifts and use them!

carlybabe1

gitizzy wrote: »

He loves his family! He wants to stay in contact with them but he is afraid he won't be believed because my boyfriend isn't as perfect as his brother. My bf was more of a messer growing up. He did okay in school and went and did a course in an it. He also drinks at family events now much just casually but his parents/family doesn't like this. He also gave up going to mass. He gave up on the whole religion thing years ago.
Now the bro that horrible man that has destroyed my bf life is seeing as perfect. 550 points in the leaving. University degree and now has an excellent job. He is a religious twat and doesn't drink. He comes across as a perfect little son!

If your bf isnt in a place mentally where he can keep this guy at arms length, then maybe you should have a whisper in his ear, let him know quietly but in NO uncertain terms that if he doesnt back off you will have no problem letting the cat out of the bag and convincing your bf to do the same. I dont mean to sound cold here, or insulting at all, so please dont mis-understand me, but it sounds to me like your bf is still in the victim role, he has been so thoroughly conditioned by this animal that he is stuck in that role. By the way, i have a big family, with numerous brothers, and by no way shape or form is leg rubbing or back rubbing deemed the norm...there would be raised eyebrows all round

gitizzy

Thanks guys!
I'm doing my best with him.
He is talking to a guy online who is trained in this area. He is at least talking about it now!
I'll do my best with him.
He still hates himself tough!
What else can I do?

Taltos

gitizzy wrote: »

Thanks guys!
I'm doing my best with him.
He is talking to a guy online who is trained in this area. He is at least talking about it now!
I'll do my best with him.
He still hates himself tough!
What else can I do?

Just do what you are doing. Let him know you are there for him.
Encourage him (but not pressure) to seek help - online is good - but face to face is better - so much of what we mean to say is non-verbal that while an online resource is good it is harder to really get to the heart of things.

I really do like the post above though OP - letting your OH know that while you respect his choice in not tackling his brother or letting his family know - you though have a different role - as partner/lover - your role is to protect him as his is to protect you - in line with that - sometimes you may have to protect him from himself - so a quiet word may be called for. This though may tip the brother's hand, so as hateful as this is - your OH starting a diary or log of everything might be useful - one to get it out of his system - but also to make him start to deal with it. When the volume is in front of him in black and white - especially with dates or folk who might have spotted something it might be the spur he needs to tackle his brother via the law head on.

Remember though - while you are there for him - you (and us) are NOT counsellors - so we are neither qualified nor equipped to deal with what he is going through - for that he really does need professional help - and in turn so might you... Consider it - and there is nothing to stop you from seeking help via your GP for you to come to terms with this as well....