Should I tell?

LegacyUser

I’ll try to be as concise as possible here. About 6 months ago I started seeing a woman who I had been friends with for a while previously. I had a gf at them time and she had a bf – despicable I know.
As things went on with this other woman, I broke up with my gf, I cared for her but didn’t love her and what I was doing was unfair and causing me alot of pain, seeing two women at the same time was fun at first but then I began to hate myself as I saw my gf fall for me. So I ended it.
I started to fall for the new woman, and things were going well until she too started to feel guilty and wanted to give it another shot with her bf, so things cooled down alot.
I then started seeing my now ex gf again but she was suspicious of the other woman as she had heard that I was seeing her so she decided to make contact with her and while she wasn’t told explicitly she could tell the other woman was lying and made up her mind that something had happened. I continued to deny it in order to protect her – immature and selfish I know.
So now I am in a situation where I have fallen hard for this woman, but she has gone back to her relationship. I am angry at myself for allowing it to go this far, and I’m angry at her for letting on to my ex that something happened. All the while she gets away cleanly. Is it right of me to contact her bf and tell him everything? Not because I am petty and hurt but simply because if I was him I would like to be told what kind of gf I had. Hiding a 6 month affair from him is pretty low, I’ve never met him but I keep thinking if I was in his shoes I would appreciate someone telling me the truth. I'm not doing it because I think she will come running to me when he dumps her - I know if I tell him I will never speak to her or see her again - I accept that.
I know this whole mess is my fault, and I’m a cheating scumbag etc but please, I feel bad enough inside and just want to get out of this mess with some sense of dignity left.

Juicyfruit

Eh hello? You think her boyfriend has a right to know because you want her to suffer the consequences because you didn't get your own way. And to get her back for "letting on to your gf that something happened." Which it did.

You've continued to hide the fact that anything happened from your ex - not to protect her feelings, but to protect yourself.

How can you say that if you were in his shoes you'd want to know, your ex girlfriend was in his shoes and you chose to deny it.

Walk away. You've made your bed.

AnonMous

Are you for real Op?

Where do you get off wanting too tell her new boyfriend what she has done? It would serve absolutely no purpose other than to massgae your ego knowing that you are not the only one to suffer as a result of your own selfish actions.

Keep it to yourself and let your mistress and her boyfriend get on with their lives and while you're at it, why don't you get on with your own.

I am a friend

Her relationship is none of her business and you are only doing that out of spite and cOs you 'lost'...

You should move on and leave both ex's alone

LegacyUser

Op here. Many thanks for the honest replies.
I take it all on board and you are all correct.

Just one point tho - I haven't tried to get back with my ex - trust me she deserves better.
I have apologised to her for hurting her and offered my friendship if she so chooses.

Also, the girl I was seeing doesn't have a new bf, it's the same guy all along.

I have talked to some friends who suggested telling him, I wanted to get some impartial opinions as I honestly just don't know what's right anymore.
But the message here seems to be clear - I will walk away.

MissFlitworth

mystory wrote: »

I continued to deny it in order to protect her

No you didn't, you denied it to protect yourself. Don't try to attach any nobility to lying to your girlfriend about what you were doing.

mystory wrote: »

Not because I am petty and hurt but simply because if I was him I would like to be told what kind of gf I had

and yet you seem to be massively annoyed that someone told your girlfriend what kind of boyfriend she had. Double standards much?

I can see how it would be tempting to tell this person's boyfriend what she had been up to, afterall why should you be the only person who came out of your sordid little relationship burned but all you'll be doing is getting yourself involved in a nasty mess. Keep out of other people's relationships (and out of other peoples pants when you're in a relationship yourself) and all will be well

k4kate

I have been in similar situation and while you are hurt and angry you have enough to deal with coping with your own feelings and getting your own head straight without creating further hurt to deal with.

Learn from your mistake and hope to do better next time without hurting yourself or others.

FortyPlusHubby

mystory wrote: »

I know this whole mess is my fault, and I’m a cheating scumbag etc but please, I feel bad enough inside and just want to get out of this mess with some sense of dignity left.

How would doing a despicable act give you any shred of dignity?

Far from it, it would paint a picture of yourself as somebody who could not be trusted, and somebody who would be vindictive after a relationship. No dignity in that.

40pH

LittleBook

mystory wrote: »

I’ve never met him but I keep thinking if I was in his shoes I would appreciate someone telling me the truth.

Wow, you're all about the honesty, aren't you?

mystory wrote: »

I then started seeing my now ex gf again but she was suspicious of the other woman as she had heard that I was seeing her so she decided to make contact with her and while she wasn’t told explicitly she could tell the other woman was lying and made up her mind that something had happened. I continued to deny it

If you want to retrieve any dignity from this web of deceit, come clean with your (first) ex-girlfriend and leave the other couple to themselves.

sbsquarepants

Stop being such a weasel!
You couldn't give a toss about this other bloke, you're just jealous that she got away with it and you didn't and upset that she prefers him to you. So you want to cause trouble for everyone like a spoiled little child. It's completely pathetic.
Should you meet a new girlfriend, treat her a bit better than the last, maybe then you'll feel a bit better about yourself. Quite frankly you deserve to feel like shít right now.

petethebrick

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You are some piece of work. If you're for real then **** off and grow up. Honestly you sound like a 10 year old, cowardly asshole.

k4kate

It must be great to be as perfect as all of you lot.

Maple

petethebrick wrote: »

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You are some piece of work. If you're for real then **** off and grow up. Honestly you sound like a 10 year old, cowardly asshole.

Infracted for inappropriate language.

Maple

Maple

k4kate wrote: »

It must be great to be as perfect as all of you lot.

I appreciate the sentiment behind your post but going forward please use the report post function rather than taking it on yourself to moderate.

Thanks,

Maple

Maple

Folks, I understand that infidelilty is an inflammatory topic for most but can we please dial back on the hostility towards the OP and keep the advice constructive.

Maple.

I am a friend

mystory wrote: »

I have talked to some friends who suggested telling him.

Its none of your business? Where does it stop then? You tell on the woman next door who leaves her kids in the car for 5 minutes? For the man who has two pints and drives 100 yards home??? This is just being vindictive cos you cant have her. He is none of your business so move on...

Chinafoot

OP, in your second post you said this,

mystory wrote: »

Just one point tho - I haven't tried to get back with my ex - trust me she deserves better.
I have apologised to her for hurting her and offered my friendship if she so chooses.

But in your first post you told us this,

mystory wrote: »

I then started seeing my now ex gf again but she was suspicious of the other woman as she had heard that I was seeing her so she decided to make contact with her and while she wasn’t told explicitly she could tell the other woman was lying and made up her mind that something had happened.

mystory wrote: »

I continued to deny it in order to protect her – immature and selfish I know.

Ok, you really, really need to stop trying to convince yourself that you did anything for your ex-girlfriend's benefit. You denied it to protect yourself and also because at that point you were back with her after your affair gave you the brush off to go back to her boyfriend. You were trying to keep your girlfriend sweet so you had something to fall back on.

mystory wrote: »

So now I am in a situation where I have fallen hard for this woman, but she has gone back to her relationship. I am angry at myself for allowing it to go this far, and I’m angry at her for letting on to my ex that something happened. All the while she gets away cleanly.

But something did happen. All 6 months of it. Why are you angry with this other woman? You are the one who made the decision to cheat on your girlfriend. Your actions have caused this mess.

mystory wrote: »

Is it right of me to contact her bf and tell him everything? Not because I am petty and hurt but simply because if I was him I would like to be told what kind of gf I had. Hiding a 6 month affair from him is pretty low, I’ve never met him but I keep thinking if I was in his shoes I would appreciate someone telling me the truth.

Wow. Just...wow.

You are completely kidding yourself if you think telling him is the right thing to do. You want to tell him out of spite. You lied your ass off to your ex girlfriend and got caught out and now you want this other woman to suffer too. You have lost any chance with your ex, who you were clearly trying to keep around as backup despite still wanting this other woman, and you are blaming this other woman for being in some way honest with your ex. You are being incredibly petty and you seriously need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. Leave both your ex girlfriend and this other woman alone. Both women have made their choices and you are not it.

Mighty_Mouse

I started seeing a woman who I had been friends with

not nice but it happens

I broke up with my gf, I cared for her but didn’t love her

not nice but it happens.
She was bored when she met you. You’re interest in her made her feel wanted.
But you obviously couldn't win her completely.
The novelty of the situation wore off for her.
Made her realise her love for her boyfriend.
Left you stranded.
This means you lose my friend.

I then started seeing my now ex gf again

erm..........wow. messing with somebody’s life.
You need to feel needed.

the other woman was lying

The other woman lied to protect her life and yours.
Not good enough for you though.

I continued to deny it in order to protect her

"it wasn't me defence".
Caught red-handed. Choose a cowards way out.
Can't handle guilt like a man.

Not because I am petty and hurt

really?
You wrecked your own life & now you want to take everybody down with you.

I’ve never met him but I keep thinking if I was in his shoes I would appreciate someone telling me the truth. I'm not doing it because I think she will come running to me when he dumps her - I know if I tell him I will never speak to her or see her again - I accept that

Glass houses.
Who are you to judge the moral responsibility of anybody in this world?
What makes you such a good judge on what should or should not be told?
You, in fact, denied everything when caught. Now, for the sake of "honesty" you gotta tell all?
Truth is, you're just looking for some self-righteous, justified angle to do your vindictive worst with less guilt.

I’d say both of these poor women regret the day they met you.
Do what ya gotta do,
Do what you probably will do
But at least be honest about it.
Face up to yourself. Suck up that guilt.
You're upset. Rejected & feel like a loser. You want to cause pain through pure spite.
If your gonna act like a "insert appropriate description here", then handling guilt is just by-product.

Finally, "discussing" the matter with friends knowing that it will spread like wild fire is just a cowards way of achieving the same thing.
At least walk to her door, drop your bombs, ruin her life & take your punch on the nose like a man.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, especially Mighty_Mouse, you certainly hit the nail on the head there, absolutely spot on.
I'm going to walk away, keep quiet and try to get on with my life.

God knows I do hate the person I have become in all this, I think I need to be on my own for a while and sort out my own issues.

Neyite

Chinafoot wrote: »

Both women have made their choices and you are not it.

^^^^Could not have put this better myself. This is the crux of the issue. Its your ego that has taken a battering being dumped by the two women you were cheating with.

I take it then in your new-found spirit of honesty, you have told your girlfriend the truth about every lie you told her?

I find it odd that in the long six months of shagging his wife, your conscience never bothered you then. Be honest and admit that the only reason you want to tell is that its revenge for her dumping you, plain and simple.

if you tell him, you might find that he and a few of his mates will 'thank' you personally for shagging his wife for six months. Still want revenge?

Mighty_Mouse

God knows I do hate the person I have become in all this, I think I need to be on my own for a while and sort out my own issues.

I'm no expert...............
Personally I see guilt like mental pain. It's a moral compass that points you in the right direction. Pain teaches me to not to put my hand into a fire. Guilt teaches me to behave to the moral standards I set for myself.

Which is basically a long way of saying "lesson learned". Being a dick is actually no fun.

Finally, don't be too hard on yourself either. Guilt & grief can make or break a person. Let it make you. Best of luck.

Katgurl

mystory wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, especially Mighty_Mouse, you certainly hit the nail on the head there, absolutely spot on.
I'm going to walk away, keep quiet and try to get on with my life.

God knows I do hate the person I have become in all this, I think I need to be on my own for a while and sort out my own issues.

OP, glad to see you're taking the feedback on board. Your story reminded me of a mess I made for myself almost ten years ago now. Nobody could believe it of me, it all seemed so out of character. I genuinely behaved like an out-and-out c**t. I still tell it now sometimes when someone is confiding in me about the terrible f&ck-ups they have made.

I learned from it all though and realised I was making the mess on purpose to detract from the other stuff in my life I just couldn't bare to face.

I recommend you do take this time to think about a few things.

Also; seriously do leave those two women alone and learn to rely on yourself for a bit.

The very best of luck with everything.