Penniless and pregnant

LegacyUser

Ok.... I am a 27-yo girl in Donegal. Moved here 8 months ago with my bf (we were in the USA for 2.5 yrs previous but not legally) because his mum had cancer. She passed away 5 months ago. Its been hell all the way. He was working at his dad's business but it closed down and then we were both unemployed. The dept of social welfare says we can't get dole because we aren't habitually resident. Our savings are now gone and we are months behind on the rent. There's no work around here. Landlord told us that if we're not up-to-date soon we have to get out.

I found out 2 weeks ago I am pregnant. Bf lost the plot, said we can't afford a baby now, that this is the worst thing that could happen. He stormed off, is staying with his sister. We haven't talked except him sending angry texts saying that just he doesn't give a **** anymore, he's going to Australia or England or anywhere as soon as he can get out of this hell hole. I have tried to talk to him but he won't listen. I know he's been cut up with losing his mum and then his dad losing the business and us being in this position..... but over the last few months I feel like I'm talking to a stranger. He's not the man I knew.

I feel desperate. I don't have family support. My parents are separated and I don't speak to my dad. I can't go back to America pregnant because I have no visa or health insurance. We are now behind on everything, rent, phone, ESB and have no gas for the cooker. He took the car which has no tax, insurance or NCT anyway. I should go to a GP about the pregnancy but I have no money, no medical card, no transport. Its a rural area with no bus service but I can't move because of no money for security deposit.

What can I do? We have argued with the social welfare until blue in the face, the answer is always the same.

LegacyUser

You seem to be blaming everything but yourself.

Why did you decide to bring a baby into this situation? Why didn't you use contraception along with your partner. Why are you still with a person who treats you like that?

Why didnt you move to a place that was more conducive to getting work and then look to pay your bills?

You have to take responsibility for putting yourself into this situation.

As for the resolutions... do you really want to bring a baby into this? How are you going to look after your baby if you cannot even look after yourself. You are with a guy who doesn't care about you and you cannot even get a job. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror and think about making serious changes to your lifestyle.

Kevin Duffy

whatcanido wrote: »

I feel desperate. I don't have family support. My parents are separated and I don't speak to my dad. I can't go back to America pregnant.

Where is your mother and do you have any other family, siblings, aunts or uncles or anyone?

Is there anyone that could mediate between you and your boyfriend?

IrishEyes19

p2p2p2p2 wrote: »

You seem to be blaming everything but yourself.

Why did you decide to bring a baby into this situation? Why didn't you use contraception along with your partner. Why are you still with a person who treats you like that?

Why didnt you move to a place that was more conducive to getting work and then look to pay your bills?

You have to take responsibility for putting yourself into this situation.

As for the resolutions... do you really want to bring a baby into this? How are you going to look after your baby if you cannot even look after yourself. You are with a guy who doesn't care about you and you cannot even get a job. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror and think about making serious changes to your lifestyle.

read the OP's post. Before she even realised she was pregnant, they were dealing with her bf losing his Mother and beforehand I presume dealing with her illness. Not anyones place here to say her bf doesnt care, Im guessing he's at his ends wits just as the OP is. Secondly, its no one's business here if the OP used protection or not. Pregnancies happen due all sorts of reasons. Whats happened happened.

I would say in regard to your bf;s behaviour, OP, he is in shock. He will need to calm down, it might take a while. You sound like you've had a hard time of it. But there has to be agencies out there that can help you. Have you any family that can help you at the moment? I see you dont speak to your dad, what about your mother or aunts and uncles?

LegacyUser

Ok, find out where your local health board is and ask for emergency money. Give them the whole story. Get onto Positive Options. Tell them the story. There are organizations that will offer all kinds of support if you choose to keep the baby. Whatever you choose, Positive Options will refer you to the right places. There are also b&b's for homeless pregnant women. That sounds scary but the women who stay in these homes go straight to the top of the council housing lists and get housed fast.
Flat broke and starving? Go to your local priest. Need to talk? Phone the Samaritans. You don't have to be suicidal and it only costs a local call no matter how long you need to talk for.

You don't need to make a decision about the pregnancy or anything else right now, but you need to start gathering support around you, from whatever area you can get it. Put the boyfriend out of your mind for now if you can. He may calm down. It will help if you're calm when/if you talk to him. Remember this is your decision so do what you want to do. Whatever you choose, you will get through it.

dellas1979

Am confused...where are you from? Ireland? Donegal?

Bar your bf, do you know anyone else there?

I do reflect the first posters inital reaction - much like your bfs to be honest - how did ye get yourselves into this mess?

Ill be honest and say it seems like the only way out is to contact your mam (or Dad - not a time for not talking to a family member to be honest - just grit your teeth), or another family member, and at least feel safe with them.

temply

p2p2p2p2 wrote: »

You seem to be blaming everything but yourself.

Why did you decide to bring a baby into this situation? Why didn't you use contraception along with your partner. Why are you still with a person who treats you like that?

Why didnt you move to a place that was more conducive to getting work and then look to pay your bills?

You have to take responsibility for putting yourself into this situation.

As for the resolutions... do you really want to bring a baby into this? How are you going to look after your baby if you cannot even look after yourself. You are with a guy who doesn't care about you and you cannot even get a job. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror and think about making serious changes to your lifestyle.

HARSH

Ainekav

OP, true, your boyfriend is probably in a bad way because of his mother, but he is still bang out of order... Are you sure you can rely on him, especially now that you're pregnant?

Is there anyone at all you can borrow money off? Go to Dublin and see could your boyfriend or yourself get a job there? Do you have any friends at all here that you could turn to until you get yourself on your feet?

What's his sister like, would she not help you out aswell - you're the pregnant one..

Is there no way at all you can go back to America? You need to get something sorted soon for yourself, I would suggest exhausting all options with regards getting some help off friends, or seeing about going back to the states...

If your boyfriend is storming off, I wouldnt be inclined to rely on him, you need to understand that so that you are independent and not in dire straits when he fcuks off again.

How many months pregnant are you?

p2p2p2p2

p2p2p2p2 wrote: »

You seem to be blaming everything but yourself.

Why did you decide to bring a baby into this situation? .

Jesus christ, she's not a self-reproducing person who can make herself pregnant.
There were two of them in it and it was certainly accidental.
Lecturing her is not going to help!

OP maybe if your bf has left you, you might be able to talk to social welfare again? I don't know what else to suggest, except to wish you good luck

Frowzy

I don't think I'm qualified to give you life advice, but I do feel for you.

Only thing I can tell you is that if you're resident here, ie have a PPSN number then you're entitled to free care while you're pregnant. So visit your GP and get some advice. If you feel you can't do that then call CURA confidentially, they'll talk you through all your options. Best of Luck. The timing could be better but it will work out.

Permabear

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zimmermania

whatcanido wrote: »

Ok.... I am a 27-yo girl in Donegal. Moved here 8 months ago with my bf (we were in the USA for 2.5 yrs previous but not legally) because his mum had cancer. She passed away 5 months ago. Its been hell all the way. He was working at his dad's business but it closed down and then we were both unemployed. The dept of social welfare says we can't get dole because we aren't habitually resident. Our savings are now gone and we are months behind on the rent. There's no work around here. Landlord told us that if we're not up-to-date soon we have to get out.

I found out 2 weeks ago I am pregnant. Bf lost the plot, said we can't afford a baby now, that this is the worst thing that could happen. He stormed off, is staying with his sister. We haven't talked except him sending angry texts saying that just he doesn't give a **** anymore, he's going to Australia or England or anywhere as soon as he can get out of this hell hole. I have tried to talk to him but he won't listen. I know he's been cut up with losing his mum and then his dad losing the business and us being in this position..... but over the last few months I feel like I'm talking to a stranger. He's not the man I knew.

I feel desperate. I don't have family support. My parents are separated and I don't speak to my dad. I can't go back to America pregnant because I have no visa or health insurance. We are now behind on everything, rent, phone, ESB and have no gas for the cooker. He took the car which has no tax, insurance or NCT anyway. I should go to a GP about the pregnancy but I have no money, no medical card, no transport. Its a rural area with no bus service but I can't move because of no money for security deposit.

What can I do? We have argued with the social welfare until blue in the face, the answer is always the same.

Contact your local health centre,you will qualify for supplementary welfare benefit of 186 euro per week and you should also qualify for rent allowance.

HugoDrax

Have you considered having an abortion? It seems like the most sensible and practical option.

up for anything

HugoDrax wrote: »

Have you considered having an abortion? It seems like the most sensible and practical option.

Nice. :rolleyes:

However if she was considering it where do you suggest that she obtains the money to fund a trip to the UK?

OP, you can contact your local women's refuge/shelter through either a doctor/citizens's advice or directly. If you are in danger of being made homeless, they will look after you, put you in contact with the appropriate agencies and generally help you get your life back on the track you want it to be on.

I wish you the best of luck. The one thing that is certain in this life, besides death, is that it never goes according to even the best laid plans.

IrishEyes19

HugoDrax wrote: »

Have you considered having an abortion? It seems like the most sensible and practical option.

I'm in no way starting a for or against debate here, but the OP would have said if she was considering abortion. I think its best if posters here provide her with the best websites and agencies that can help financially and emotionally right now.

@ OP, crisis pregnancy website might be a start too. Plus the advice here is great, your not to blame obviously, I cant imagine the stress you must be going through, with the illness and passing away issues and the financial worries. really wishing you the best.

LegacyUser

OP,

You aren't in a position to be bringing a child into the world right now, I'm afraid to say, and doing so would be extremely unfair on the child. You'll be bombarded with pro-lifers here in no time, but I would say that you should consider your options with regards to dealing with this pregnancy in a way that relieves you of this burden that will be cast upon you should you carry through with the pregnancy.

The obvious options are abortion and adoption. With regards to adoption, if you could go through with it, you would be giving a stable couple who have the financial means and life security to offer a child, yet can't reproduce themselves, the chance to experience something in life that they otherwise would not get to experience. It would ensure that the baby goes to a loving home and given the best chances going forward.

With regards to adoption, well, you're in Ireland now and it's a very short trip to the UK, and I'm sure emergency funding could be arranged should you decide to take this path. Since it's very early in the process, there is no "baby" to terminate and all you would essentially be doing is flushing your body of a few cells, almost like blowing your nose. This would be a quick and permanent solution to what could be a huge long term problem for your life and that of what could end up being a child.

Consider your options with regards to your situation in life. From the point of an onlooker, you're in no state to be bringing a child into the world right now yet if you choose to, I would only ask that you give it and another couple who can't reproduce the best chance that they'll get for a happy future.

Good luck.

thefeatheredcat

Cross Care have been quite vocal about the situation regarding returning Irish immigrants being refused social welfare and have a contact number on their website for information on this issue. It may be worth a try.

Look after yourself first and foremost and gather support from family and friends, even organisations so that you're not overly stressed with the whole situation, even if it's just someone to talk to or even in having strength to deal with things.

Then worry about sorting things out with your boyfriend. I understand why he reacted the way he did, however, I think it was out of order but I do think you should talk things out at some point.

Moomoo1

so you've lived in Ireland all your life except for 2.5 years: so how long would it take you to become habitually resident again?

Moomoo1

dellas1979 wrote: »

I do reflect the first posters inital reaction - much like your bfs to be honest - how did ye get yourselves into this mess?

they've slipped through the safety net

Neyite

Op,
It sounds like your boyfriend is in shock - plenty of guys have a reaction like that to a crisis pregnancy but go on to be fully supportive and and equal parent once the shock is over. As well as that, he has just had a horrible time of it - both with caring for his mother then her death. Thats not easy for either of you but he has lost his mother. That aside, his behaviour is appaling - its a long term relationship and you are both in your late twenties so its not like he is a novice with regards to contraception or how babies are made. I am surprised that his sister at least is not telling him to cop on - does she know you are pregnant and dont have basic fuel to feed/warm yourself?

You are also in shock and panicking too. Go to your local community welfare office and explain the situation. There are also agencies that assist women with crisis pregnancies. I know a woman who got a really cheap flat to rent - about 40 pw, from one of these. The St.Vincent de Paul is another avenue that will help you.

With regard the posters who suggest a termination, I think they fail to comprehened that if you cant pay for gas or electricity, you havent a hope of affording the costs of travel and clinic involved in getting one: *edit* a quick google suggests its about 350-500sterling, not including your flights/ferry, bus or train fares.

dellas1979

Moomoo1 wrote: »

they've slipped through the safety net

What does that mean? Maybe you might explain...

Victor

Its very difficult, but its not the end of the world.

whatcanido wrote: »

The dept of social welfare says we can't get dole because we aren't habitually resident.

Assuming you are Irish, contact the local citizens information centre and see about appealling this.

I should go to a GP about the pregnancy but I have no money, no medical card, no transport.

There is a scheme for free pregnancy care for women - its a certain number of free GP and hospital visits. Phone the GP's receptionist and see what can be arranged.

What can I do? We have argued with the social welfare until blue in the face, the answer is always the same.

Talk to the local community welfare officer and the Vincent de Paul if necessary. Explain that you are behind in the rent and that your boyfriend has badly reacted to the various events and may not be returning.

Ask the landlord to call over. Have someone there to support you. Explain that you know that you are behind with the rent, but that you have spoken to the community welfare officer and hope to have something sorted out. Explain things are complicated at the moment and you may have to re-assess living there. He may prefer to have some rent coming in than none and one would hope he would appreciate the honesty. You don't need to tell him about the pregnancy, certainly not yet.

Ickle Magoo

Folks, can I remind you that this thread is for offering the OP constructive advice, not for moralising or admonishing.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven’t already, take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.

Permabear

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tbh

Good for you. Good luck OP

beks101

Permabear wrote: »

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What an exceptional person you are. The world needs more people like you.

Best of luck OP, I really hope things work out for you and your baby.

Permabear

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David09

Permabear wrote: »

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Absolutely. Well done for paying her a visit. Decent people are few and far between. Fingers crossed that op will get sorted with her issues as it's a really frightening situation to be in.

Esoteric_

Permabear, you are one hell of a person. Seriously, fair play for caring so much that you'd help somebody like that. There aren't a lot of people like that and seeing someone like you helping a complete stranger out in that way reminds me that despite all the sh!t the current economy is causing for us all, there are still decent, kind-hearted people around.

Joey the lips

Hi PERMABER

have you considered contacting SVP. i cannot guarantee they help in all cases but they do in a lot. I work for them and i have help people out in this situation,

Also if the women is orig irish then ask her to contact TD's etc.

There is various agencies she can contact. Her local SVP should advise her. I dont know how religious she is but the local priest may help

PeterIanStaker

Permabear wrote: »

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You, sir, are a legend. For making contact with, and helping that girl in what is a hard and confusing time for her.

If I ever meet you in person I will shake your hand.

The world is a better place for her now because of your kindness and altruism, and I hope she'll be all right.

Big Bag of Chips

It's amazing how a gesture from 1 person can turn a person's life around.

OP, the world probably doesn't feel like such a daunting place now. By the way YOU should be annoyed at your bf. You didn't do this by yourself. Easy for him to storm out and react the way he did. You don't have the same luxury.

I hope you can sort your relationship out. But if his reaction hurt you, you are perfectly entitled to make him aware of that. You are both equally responsible for what has happened, and while I accept that he has had a tough time over the past few weeks, it might explain but doesn't excuse his behaviour.

Good luck to you, life isn't all bad.

chillywilly

Permabear wrote: »

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Permabear

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Maple

Permabear, that was a truly uplifting post to read this morning. I can only echo the sentiments already expressed here, you're a truly wonderful and generous human being.

common sense brigade

The OP contacted me through Boards and I went to see her today with a female friend. She now has plenty of food, gas, and heating oil, and my friend will be taking her to a GP on Monday to make arrangements for antenatal care. The OP wishes to remain in Ireland and have her baby, and that was her decision from the outset, so I'm going to make sure she is supported financially until she can get something sorted out with the social welfare and/or the agencies mentioned above. The way she has been treated so far has been a disgrace and only highlights the problems faced by returning emigrants

Wow your post gave me goosebumps. well done to you .
OP i have a 2 year old daughter and have loads of spare clothes toys walkers bouncers and stuff like that. will you PM me please. Your baby shouldnt have to go without. And shame on anyone here suggesting she have an abortion. disgusting .

Fittle

Permabear, what can I say - I've already asked you to marry me previously, so i guess I can't do that again;) You are truly exceptional. I'd like to help this girl if I can too - I don't have a wad of cash but have plenty of friends with newborns who will be only too willing to pass on their bits & bobs to her when the time comes. Would that be something I could do?

LegacyUser

Hi, this is the OP again. I want to thank everybody from the bottom of my heart for their help and advice, especially Permabear and his friend for showing up out of nowhere this weekend and being so **incredibly** generous. I am still a bit floored but so grateful for what they have done.

I saw the doctor today and I am due in mid December! I want to get back on my feet now and make a future for me and my baby.

To the people who offered things for the baby, it's a while off yet but I will get in contact and let you know where I will be. It depends a lot on what happens with my bf. But please know how much I appreciate all this support from all of you. Thank you so so much!

A.

Neyite

Hey OP, Glad things are starting to look up a bit for ya - wanted to say that there is a great pregnancy forum - its a subforum of the parenting one.

Soc>Parenting>Pregnancy on the menu above should find it.

I have found some great support on the other subforum there, and its great to know whatever you are experiencing baby-wise, someone on there knows what you are going through.

miec

There are some amazing people here on Boards. Op I sincerely hope it all works out for you.

WhatWillBee

This has totally restored my faith in both men and people in general.

Not sure Permabear is a good name for a baby I think the godfather may have already been picked!

And if you turn down Fittles marriage offer, I bagsy Permabear next

ABajaninCork

WhatWillBee wrote: »

And if you turn down Fittles marriage offer, I bagsy Permabear next

You're too late sweetie! I'M next!

up for anything

common sense brigade wrote: »

And shame on anyone here suggesting she have an abortion. disgusting .

I'd just like to say in case there is someone out there reading this thread who has been considering an abortion, that there is NO shame attached in having one and it is not disgusting. The shame and disgust is on the people who suggested it to the OP as her only option and mainly, it seems to me, because they felt she would be a drag on their tax paying pockets, not because they they felt in their hearts that it would be the best option. :mad:

Nicely done, Permabear, on going to the aid of the OP. It shows a generous spirit and a lovely lack of keyboard warriorness. If only more people would reach out personally through the internet to people in bother when they are in a position to help. Most of us are real and genuine people and there is usually nothing to be apprehensive about.

common sense brigade

The shame and disgust is on the people who suggested it to the OP as her only option and mainly, it seems to me, because they felt she would be a drag on their tax paying pockets, not because they they felt in their hearts that it would be the best option.

Agreed but never once did the OP suggest she was even considering abortion. And i think suggesting abortion for monetary reasons is highly disgusting.

Big Bag of Chips

common sense brigade wrote: »

... i think suggesting abortion for monetary reasons is highly disgusting.

People consider abortion for all sorts of reasons, finance being one of them. So for people to suggest an abortion for financial reasons, is just that a suggestion. Nobody forced her into anything. People gave opinions and suggestions to a problem posted by the OP. I'm guessing if she had gone to a crisis pregnancy agency she may also have been told about abortion as an option too?

If someone posts publicly on a forum such as this, they are likely to hear advice or opinions that is not relevant to them. If it wasn't relevant to the OP, she could have chosen to ignore it. She didn't seem to take exception to it, so I dont see why anyone else should (?)

Maple

Folks, going forward please direct your replies to the OP and do not drag the thread offtopic any further. Abortion is not the subject for discussion here.

Maple.

common sense brigade

If someone posts publicly on a forum such as this, they are likely to hear advice or opinions that is not relevant to them. If it wasn't relevant to the OP, she could have chosen to ignore it. She didn't seem to take exception to it, so I dont see why anyone else should (?)

I agree with you in some ways but think abortion should never have been raised personally. as you said public forum and people will express opinions and that was my opinion. shes a grown woman and knows what she wants to do. if she was asking a question about abortion then jumping in with abortion advice for her would be acceptable. but she never asked about abortion.
apologies Maple. I agree abortion should never have been mentioned

Maple

Commonsensebrigade, you've misunderstood me and please do not use my onthread warning as a platform from which to project your own personal beliefs about abortion.

People offered opinions & advice to the OP, they may not fall within the remit of your own code for behavior but again this thread is not a debate for the rights/wrongs of abortion.

This is the last onthread warning I am prepared to give.

Maple

liquoriceall

Hi OP hope all is working out a bit better for you, just to say you should consider contacting your family they might surprise you.
Also as an aside if in the end you decide that maybe a child isnt what you want right now then please consider adoption its a great option that in recent time seems to vilified when it can be a great thing

ABajaninCork

As far as I'm aware, the OP has decided to keep her baby....

Good luck to her I say! I hope things work out for her.

Boskowski

mascaraqueen wrote: »

That sounds scary but the women who stay in these homes go straight to the top of the council housing lists and get housed fast.

Fkn amazin'. Get yourself knocked up and get a house for free. I should try that some day.