Father is cheating on dying mother

LegacyUser

Hi,

I've decided to turn to boards for some advice on this traumatic situation; I'll give some background information first. Apologies for long post, but I've been carrying this all around with me for a while and its built up over a few years.

A few years ago, I found out my father was cheating on my mother when I saw some text messages and chat conversations he had left open on the computer/left his phone unattended. I wouldn't have read his messages if it wasn't for the fact he was acting so suspiciously with his phone- hiding his phone behind his leg whilst texting when we were in the room with him; he'd audibly stop texting if someone walked into the room when he was alone, etc. There were texts from numerous women, amongst them a name that I recognized. Also, a few months after I first discovered the texts, a woman called our house and I answered. She said she didn't know he was married- it was an awkward conversation and I didn't know how to handle it. Dazed, I got off the phone but wrote down the woman's name and number (she had said that she was a member of a church or something and that's how she knew my dad- my dad is not religious). I left the note on the table, and when my dad saw it he got rid of it. I confronted him one night, my parents slept in separate rooms for a while due to his 'snoring' and staying up late, asking him upfront if he was cheating. He denied it adamantly, looking visibly shocked and nervous that I asked. I didn't say that I had seen the texts.

The next day I come downstairs and my mom hugs me. She tells me she loves me but that they talked it through and that everything is ok. Of course, he denied every accusation. I continued to act standoffish, even hostile towards him, and eventually my mom exploded at me, saying she chose to marry him, not me, and that there was no truth to him cheating. I couldn't bring myself to confessing about reading his messages. I was 17 or 18 at the time. I decided to try and forgive my father in my head and to be the bigger person. I didn't want to upset my mom any further.

I stayed in Ireland to study, my parents moved back to our country of origin. There were some weird incidents- a silent caller who kept breathing into the phone, anonymous flowers delivered to our house, and my sister got a friend request on facebook from a woman who then sent her a picture of flowers with a passport photo of my dad slightly obscured in the background. As odd as is it sounds now, my sister and I decided to try and ignore all this and move on.

Last year my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Everything was going as best as it could considering the situation- chemo was working, the cancer counts were down, and in the summer, she had her last chemo session. I moved back after graduating, and my boyfriend moved with me. My father was working abroad, so it was me, my boyfriend and my mom living together. For a while it went alright, obviously readjusting to the new situation, but most importantly my mom was on the mend. But then the cancer came back, and I became her prime carer. My father moved back home as well, and we've all been living in the same house for a few months now.

I've tried to put my differences with my father aside as best as I can, but my interaction with him has always been awkward anyway- our personalities clash. I've always been closer to my mother. But being her prime carer has taken its toll on me both mentally and physically, and things came to a head recently when due to tensions in the house my boyfriend decided to move out. He is/was my only social support; I haven't had the chance to build up a life here yet as I stay at home and take care of my mom, who is now physically a shadow of her former self. Sometimes I really feel more like a nurse rather than a daughter, and my mother can still be quite critical despite her illness. I wasn't allowed to get a job, I have no money, and am emotionally drained and socially isolated. I had a big outburst infront of my mom, after which we've talked things through and we're talking normally to each other and I feel emotionally connected to her again. I went to the doctor, and I'm getting a referral to a physiotherapist and a psychologist.

So everything was looking like it would get somewhat better until this morning, when I went to put some music on on our home computer. My dad had left his account open, and his skype icon was jumping. I clicked it, and there were 4 conversations with women open. Some were just trivial (slightly suggestive) or missed calls, but there was one which had been going on for days. He said things to her like 'I want to see you again', 'your texts are so sweet', 'we have to take this step by step' and 'I can't wait to feel your lips on mine'. She said things like 'you're still married' 'let's not look too far ahead in the future', as well as allusions to video conversations they had which they refered to as 'watching each other'. Makes me shudder to think what that could mean as in the conversation there were also flirtatious comments about pumps and naked photos. He was also hinting at a relationship with her when my mother is gone. I haven't told anyone except my boyfriend about it.

I am so angry at him, I don't want anything to do with him anymore as I just consider him a cowardly, immature prick who would prefer to have his own daughter bear the brunt of his wrongdoings than actually taking responsibility for his actions. But the thing is, I can't say anything to anyone in my family, as no-one knows how long my mother has left. She definitely does not have the energy to take this emotional blow. And the last time I attempted to confront his cheating I was the one who was punished for disrupting our family life. It kills me that my father gets applauded for how he's handling the situation. But I can't talk to anyone in the family about it at the moment, as it would probably only alienate/isolate me. Still, I feel like I'm more of an adult in this situation than he is, and he gets away with being such a child.

I just needed to vent, and would like some advice on how to go about the situation. I want nothing to do with him after my mother is gone, and any amiable feelings I tried to bring back for him have disappeared. Apologies for the length of the post.

greengiant09

i was in the exact same position myself. 6 months before my mother died i found out my dad was having an affair. didn't see it coming and was completely shocked. tbh, their marriage was a sham and they should have split up long ago.

like you, i was torn as to what i should do. on one side, my mum was desperately sick and was in no condition to deal with a situation like that. i said nothing. i think you should do the same. your mother prob has only a few months to live so the most loving thing you can do is make it as comfortable as possible. it will only make it a million times worse if you tell her.

it was very sickening though to see how my dad was being painted as the poor husband when secretly he was being a devious pr*ck with no morals. sure, their marriage wasn't great but he could have left if he wanted to go focking around.

we didn't actually really confront him till after she was dead about his affairs. there is other details which i won't go into but i was appalled by how much he had pre-meditated events for after my mothers death.....real low-life devious stuff. Far worse then the actual affairs themselves. i was completely disgusted by this. it was almost like something out of a soap. you'd have to see it to believe it.

i understand why you want nothing more to do with him after. i certainly have lost an awful lot of respect for my father. you can confront him after, especially if he starts carrying on like he's a righteous pr*ck, put him in his place....tell him what a scum-bag he is. however, before you do so, collect some evidence in case people don't believe you.

IrishEyes19

Agree with the above poster. Take care of your Mam for the timebeing, she probably needs all the comfort you can get, and perhaps take care of yourself too. A lot of people often forget how stressful it is for the people who care for sick relatives and immediate family.

As Greengiant said, it would just upset your mother to bring it up again and I reckon it wouldnt do any good to inform her. I would however make your father aware of the fact that you are on to him later, merely because he doesnt seem from what you have said to be a man who has merely fallen in love, the fact he is talking to numerous women shows that. Its a very selfish act, and perhaps your mother is aware of it, and cant deal with it either due the current stress she has already.
Wishing you all the best and take care of yourself your mam and your siblings.

LegacyUser

Please do not confront him or tell your mother. Make life as comfortable as possible for her. There are some downright evil people about and your dad is one of them. I hope you cut all contact with him and never talk to him again. People like that really don't deserve any love.

I really feel for your mom

LegacyUser

OP here.

Greengiant09, thanks for the reply. I really appreciate hearing from someone who has gone through what I'm going through. I am sorry for your loss.

I am definitely not confronting him yet. And as you said, if I plan on confronting him, I need proof, as he's most likely going to try and deny it rather than own up to what he has done. I am scared of becoming alienated from the rest of my family though. All this is secondary to how my mother is doing right now.

My family and I are doing the best we can to make my mother feel loved and as comfortable as possible. This was never going to be easy, regardless of my father's behavior, and right now I'm trying to focus on my mother and savoring our time left with her as well as keeping myself healthy and positive.

Thanks IrishEyes19 and 505h for the well wishes. Although I don't really see my dad as evil, just extremely pathetic, cowardly and immature.

HugoDrax

I know this is upsetting but people are complex.
Could it be your father and mother love each other but in a way you can't understand? Your father clearly needs sex and he is addicted to women.
Many men simply can't help themselves - perhaps it is in their nature - and many women are forgiving?
Your mother knows your father more than you ever will.
Your father and mother have perhaps made an agreement that he can stray just as long as she never wants to hear of it directly and as long as he comes back to her?
Perhaps your mother was never interested in sex or never had a high sex drive and for the sake of their marriage she made allowances for your father?
Love is not like it is idealized in movies and book or by religions.
Two vulnerable people with character flaws come together and try to raise a family and try to be good people and fail again and again.
You should nurse your mother in her final months but try to talk to your father without it becoming a row. Try to find out why he cheats? Perhaps there is hurt and trauma behind his behavior he has never acknowledged? He seems like a lonely man fundamentally.

jimmycrackcorm

505h wrote: »

Please do not confront him or tell your mother. Make life as comfortable as possible for her. There are some downright evil people about and your dad is one of them. I hope you cut all contact with him and never talk to him again. People like that really don't deserve any love.

I really feel for your mom

It's incorrect to call him evil because of this. Many married people have affairs for various reasons but that doesn't make them evil. Just because the other spouse is terminally ill doesn't make that any different. From reading the op it appears that the father also cheated before the mother was ill so he is no different now than then.

The terminal illness introduces a greater emotional bias into the problem but I think the the real issue here is that the OP is not getting the care support that the father should be giving regardless of his apparent infidelity.

Blatter

OP, how do you think your Dad feels about your Mom.

Do you get the feeling he still cares about her? Does he still talk and spend meaningful time with her?

It's obviously totally wrong what he's doing. But he has been doing it before your Mom got ill, and although people would have expected him to have cut it out 100% when he found out your Mom was ill, things are never that simple. Once you have an addiction, sometimes it just can't be turned off no matter what. I'd say when he's chatting to these women he blocks your mother's illness out of his mind and then afterwards he feels really guilty, but just keeps going back. You shouldn't take everything you saw on your Fathers messages as any indication of what he is thinking when he is not talking to these women. It could be totally different.

I'm not defending your Father here btw, I'm just offering a possible explanation to his actions.

As the others have said, you should just think about your Mother from here on in and make things as comfortable as possible for her. Iv'e been through coping with people close to me being terminally ill before. It's a very sad and emotional draining time:( You just need to be happy for them in the end:)

Taltos

OP - please do tread carefully here.
Right now your whole family dynamic is primed to self destruct here.

With your mother's circumstances keeping this from her - no matter how it hurts you really is for the best.
However, I am unsure if you therefore have a right to gather proof and challenge your father. I mean think about it - what purpose will this really serve once (sorry) your mother has passed on?

At that stage your father like you will be grieving, irrespective of the choices he is making now. So - once more - what do you hope to prove by shoving into his face that you know about the affairs he has been having?

At the same time another poster above made a really valid point - don't dismiss it out of hand. As distasteful as his behaviour is - can you ever be 100% certain that your mother does not know about this? I find it incredulous that she does not know at some level...

My recommendation for you right now is to find someone to talk to about this - get your anger out - learn to deal with it as once your mother passes there is a good chance that this will escalate internally (only going on my experience here of losing a parent). If you don't have a handle on your anger and emotions then you could later blurt this out at a most inappropriate time - forever driving a wedge between your family...

You could also - right now - ask to talk to your father as adults. Let him know what you have found. DON'T point fingers - just ask him to help you understand what you have seen. Stress - that you are NOT trying to interfere - but just cannot get your head around it with everything else that is going on... (I think for me I might have to go that route - but big thing this way is NO blame or confrontation... otherwise again you will lose any future relationship)...

Finally - DON't let any of this distract you from spending quality time with your mother and family.

LegacyUser

OP again.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

For me, the hardest thing is the fact that he has never taken responsibility for his actions. Even in petty arguments, its always someone else's fault. This is inherent in his character. When I confronted the situation years ago, he completely denied it. If there was some sort of arrangement between my parents, it should have been their responsibility to clarify this to me - I was obviously upset, angry and confused about it, so if there was some sort of deal in place, I could have been somewhat informed. Instead, I felt like the black sheep of the family, taking the blame for the unhappiness in the family. I was the instigator of the conflict in their eyes, not my father and his cheating. I know I partially brought this on myself, but my dad has been careless with hiding his infidelities. It's very hard not to seek out the truth when there are so many things pointing at it.

My mother also said something at the time which makes me believe she turned a blind eye- she told me that she doesn't mind if he's chatting to/flirting with women online, but that she knew he would never physically cheat on her. Based on what I've seen/read, he has. I do see his seeking women out as an addiction, as there are clear patterns that repeat between the incidences years ago and the one I discovered last week.

I guess the main reason I would want to confront him is because I have been carrying this around with me whilst he could have taken responsibility for his actions, and if there was an explanation, I was never given one despite them knowing I knew and it destroying my ability to connect with my father and to a certain extent the rest of my family. I don't know how healthy it would be for me not to get closure on it, although maybe the most responsible thing for me to do is just accept that he hasn't changed and me confronting him won't make him change- maybe that's all the closure I need and can get without blowing it all up. Maybe it's selfish of me to bring it up again (which I reiterate, I definitely wouldn't do whilst my mom is still alive). It just kills me that I now see him only as playing a charade rather than being an actual father or husband.

Maybe I just need to move on and decide how much of a role my father will play in my future, which based on how I feel now and have felt about him for years, will be very limited anyway. I am trying to see it from another perspective as well, but I admit that I am very emotional at the moment. It is very confusing to have found out about the other woman/women when he has been acting extra caring in the home situation and talks about how he's not ready for my mother to die. I know people are complex, and that I can only see their relationship from the outside, but anyone who finds this out about their parents in this situation would be at the very least confused to have to reconcile these two seemingly opposing poles.

I am getting help, I'm getting a referal to a therapist/psychologist by my GP. Thanks again everyone for your responses.

Taltos

OP I am really glad you are getting help - please do all you can to follow through on it.
I hope you don't mind but I have pulled out a few points from your last reply to maybe help you think about things a different way, please don't interpret any of it as a personal attack (usually how I come across )

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

For me, the hardest thing is the fact that he has never taken responsibility for his actions. Even in petty arguments, its always someone else's fault.

This is a key point - remember it - actually keep repeating it to yourself.
Why? OK - well basically - this weakness of your father that you have identified - part of the reason you have spotted it is you are the polar opposite - you unconsciously take responsibility for everything - you think it is your role to "fix" things... Deep breath - it is not, you need to step away from this role for a while - even if it does let some people down - chances are as you have cast yourself in this role others are relying on you a bit too much - overwhelmning you. (I know a huge leap and I could be totally wrong here).

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

If there was some sort of arrangement between my parents, it should have been their responsibility to clarify this to me

NO - They did NOT have to clarify ANYTHING about their relationship to you.
NADA - NOTHING. It is their relationship - and while you are their child - it is NONE of your business. Your role was to highlight your concerns - after that you have to WALK away unless one of them asks you for help. Did they? No - they basically told you to get lost - that it was all under control - thanks for your concern but please butt out...

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

I felt like the black sheep of the family, taking the blame for the unhappiness in the family. I was the instigator of the conflict in their eyes, not my father and his cheating.

Please refer to my first point. This is how you felt - if anything they may have felt shame that they were not careful enough. No parent wants their child coming to them telling them that the partner they have dedicated their lives to is a lying cheating scumbag. What you are feeling here is normal - but you need to stop focussing on the labels. Fact is when something like this happens the family dynamics change. You have NOTHING to feel bad about - in fact you should be proud that you risked it all to protect your Mum. You seriously have big kohonas for what you did here. Personally if I was a teacher I would give you a gold star for the risk you took here but it is time to try to move on from the hurt and the lies from both of your parents (yes both..).

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

My mother also said something at the time which makes me believe she turned a blind eye- she told me that she doesn't mind if he's chatting to/flirting with women online, but that she knew he would never physically cheat on her.

This was all you will ever get from her. She knows mate. She knows it all even if she is denying the extent.

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

I guess the main reason I would want to confront him is because I have been carrying this around with me whilst he could have taken responsibility for his actions

You won't like my next comment so skip it for now if you want - you used one key word here I hate to see "confront" - nothing is ever cleanly resolved when the approach taken is one of conflict. Ideally you should have written "discuss" - however - you have already done all you can - what purpose wil this now serve?
Will it make you feel better - you know OP - chances are it might - but it might also make you feel much worse when the last of their lies are ripped from your eyes.
Seriously - you need to try to leave your parents have the relationship they have chosen to have. Having once told your mum and being lied to in return by continuing down this road you are going to tear yourself apart - literally.
Accept that your parents are not the ideal husband and wife you thought them to be - for whatever reasons this "arrangement" works for them. And it is purely their arrangement - you need to remove yourself. You really don't know what has brought them to this point, who knows - maybe your dad is addicted - or maybe he is seeking a closeness he is not getting from your mum. Whatever it is you need to let it go.

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

Maybe it's selfish of me to bring it up again
It just kills me that I now see him only as playing a charade rather than being an actual father or husband.

1. No - not selfish - but at this point I would say self-destructive. It serves NO real purpose anymore.
2. A charade in YOUR eyes. As above your mother really does know and this is an arrangement they are BOTH (yes her too) comfortable with. Time for you to STOP judging them. As hard as that is.

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

I am getting help, I'm getting a referal to a therapist/psychologist by my GP.

Definitely follow through on this OP.

Relationships are rarely black and white like on TV. For various reasons some people have these different interactions. Personally I am traditional and I would rather leave my wife than do what has been done here. However in your parents case as long as it is not thrown in your mother's face it appears that she is OK with this. Who knows maybe it was her idea in the first place.

None of us know though - remember though - when you do lose your mother you father will be losing his partner - despite your gut telling you their marriage was a sham there is a really good chance here that they both really do adore each other and accept each others faults...

(Of course I could be totally off on all of that - but wanted to look at it a different way).

LegacyUser

OP again.

I just came back from meeting my GP, and to be perfectly honest, it was far more useful for me to discuss it here on boards than it was talking to the doctor. After I had told him everything, he basically took Taltos' perspective on the situation (which I have taken on board and thought about for the past day or so), but offered nothing in the way of empathy really. Also, he said that he thought my feelings were too normal to refer me to a psychologist, and he didn't refer me to a physiotherapist either for help to deal with stress. I then told him that I was thinking about taking up yoga to deal with it physically, and he offered me a cynical 'that works for some people if you're into that kind of thing'.

Funnily enough, I had pretty much dealt with the issue in my mind yesterday, after thinking about what everyone had said here (thanks Taltos by the way for your extensive responses). All the replies here were able to give me back some perspective which I had recently lost. After talking to my GP though, I felt pretty upset again. It was kind of like going into the headmaster's office to be lectured; I was expecting some support/advice. Instead it almost felt like he was taking sides - he's also my mom's doctor and his wife is my mom's friend. I felt really silly for going to him and crying in front of him.

I've decided to leave the situation alone, to see it as something that I have no responsibility for and that I just need to move on. I'm getting on fine with my family, and have been able to interact w my father as if I never saw his chat messages. I'm looking forward to just getting on with my own life, and to stop having this eat away at me. Still, I wish my father would have recognised what effect his behavior had on my younger sister and I, regardless of whether my mother knew about his affairs or not.

Just to clarify, there are more reasons that i don't get on with my father, which basically comes down to personalities and clashes in ideals; he's also been a workaholic for most of my life, so there has always been a distance between us. Hopefully I'll get some closure out of resigning myself to the fact that we're just very different from each other (although he always tells other people that we're really similar, which is the most frustrating thing in the world.)

Thanks again everyone for your perspectives on things. It's helped me a lot.

Taltos

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

although he always tells other people that we're really similar, which is the most frustrating thing in the world.

Take this as a compliment - he see's in you the man he wanted to be and in some small part of his head the type of person that he thinks he is. Deluded really.

Sorry about your GP - there are phone lines out there to talk to someone. Or you could seek a 2nd opinion - someone who is not already vested in your home life - as a personal friend of your parents as much as he may have tried it is likely your GP did not treat you with the respect and time you need. Not consciously but maybe subconsciously out of a feeling of loyalty to your parents.

Do try to talk this out with someone though - you really do need to work through these emotions - otherwise there is a risk they may bubble up at the worst possible time...

Oftentimes parents are blind to the damage they do to their children. Somehow they think that by hiding the truth from us they are protecting us from their own failings. However, kids are neither stupid nor blind and more often than not take what they see and internalise it - turn what is an adult problem - and make it their own issue - their fault for want of a better word. Remember OP - NONE of this is your fault - your parents have not been honest with you - not in an effort to hurt you - but to protect you from them.

Seek help in trying to come to terms with their failings and do what you can to be happy in your own life.

(really did try to keep this reponse short )