False friend brings it on herself...

LegacyUser

hi, i have a problem. how do i deal with a friend of mine? the problem is we got friends with her when her fella dumped her. before that we didnt know her too well. when we first met her she told us her fella dumped her out of the blue. well as it turns out later this was lies. actualy the fella was already engaged to another girl when she got with him. she knew this, but made out it was a relationship when really he cheated on his gf with her a few times. Before we discovered that we gave her loads of sympathy and hung around together. well eventually the truth came out, she was the other woman in some other couples relationship.

so anyway, we decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and moved on thinking lets not judge anyone. but now she is always chatting up married men online. she thinks this is no big deal. it pisses me off as i am engaged and she knows this. i have said how can she do this and then moan if fellas jack her around? but she never changes (

another thing that pisses me off is when she hears other men are cheating on they're wives or girlfriends, she is so two faced. she acts all prefect and attacks the cheaters. so she lectures other people but does the same herself. it does my head in.

i cant be friends any more but she keeps facebooking and texting me, i feel bad if i dont anser her but i cant stand her ...what will i do?

i dont want to be her friend any more. tx xx

sbsquarepants

Don't be. Problem solved!
What exactly are you asking here? You don't like her, you don't trust her, you don't want to be her friend, just cut her out and be done with it - it's not like you owe her anything.

LegacyUser

I've known a few girls who get a great kick out of attracting men with girlfriends. They love the challenge. I even have a friend who would often remark how her own friends boyfriends were attracted to her! Now, thankfully this friend has lots of saving graces, so we all just roll her eyes when she starts with that, and she's growing out of it as she gets older.

I think it's one of those weird things - part insecurity & part loving the chase. I've seen this behaviour with men as well.... its like saying 'well if he/she has someone then that must mean they're ok or worth more' and it plays into this femme fatale or player self-image. It's insecurity and lack of faith in your judgement or attractiveness... people like these are looking for validation.

Now, as I said, there are lots of other things about my friend - a great sense of humour/being there for me at tough times, that have made her worth it. Ask yourself if there are other things that you like about her. Bear in mind that people usually grow out of these behaviours. Probably when she does get into a stable relationship she'll get over it.

Going out with married may also be a defense mechanism and a way to avoid real intimacy. It involves a lot of distracting drama and maybe - bizarrely - she's using it to avoid having to deal with the real scary, risky business of getting to know someone on a real basis and face being rejected - not because there's someone else involved - but just for herself.
People are also drawn into patterns of familiarity, no matter how hurtful they may seem, they are less scary than unfamiliar territory.

If you resent her too much then let her go. If you do decide to stay friends, then call her on it every time she goes on like that. Say would you not like someone who just likes you?

I imagine she'll grow out of it.

fallen01angel

HI OP,I used to have a similar problem.Got friendly with a girl who joined our company a few yrs back.Claimed she had come out of a bad marriage(he cheated on her-which turned out to be a lie,she had cheated on him) I became quite good friends with her,nights out,hols etc. She always had to be center of attention with ANY male in the bar/club etc.
Didn't care if he was married/engaged,it really started getting out of hand literally any man was fair game, I could list endless examples but the one that really was the icing on the cake-she was sex texting her FRIEND'S boyfriend behind her back,which really shocked me,her excuse was "if he's texting me it means he's not doing anything with anyone else....":eek: so I told her how I felt about her behaviour,thinking/hoping she might sort herself out,but nope,we no longer talk(we both had moved on to different places of work) and I've been told her behaviour is still the same/worse.
My advice OP is if you want to try and salvage some kind of friendship then say it to the girl,but to be honest,would you trust this girl around your boyfriend,if not then ignore her contact or tell her exactly why you don't want to be friends.

OS119

skiddadletemp wrote: »

....i cant be friends any more but she keeps facebooking and texting me, i feel bad if i dont anser her but i cant stand her ...what will i do?

i dont want to be her friend any more. tx xx

she is, by definition, a 'user'. that means she uses people to give her what she wants. when they stop giving her what she wants she will get rid of them.

this is your 'get out jail free' card. stop giving her what she wants.

get progressively, steadily worse at being what she wants - take longer and longer to reply to texts/emails/answerphone messages, make sure you 'miss' some calls, be 'too busy' to meet up, become vastly less reliable at being a 'friend'.

this does require you, initially at least, to maintain some contact with her while going from being 'good friend' to 'crap friend'. its not brilliant, but it may make the process less obvious from her point of view, and therefore less likely to involve a confrontation.

you could, of course, go for the 'big bang' approach - change your phone numbers and email adresses, block her on failbook, and just hide, but she may turn up at your door demanding to know why you won't get in touch with her.

your choice.

greengiant09

the biggest favour you could do to your 'friend' is completely ignore and disown her.

might sound strange but some people need a right kick up the arse before they cop on. i'm pretty sure if her friends started disowning, she'd have a long hard look at herself and make the necessary changes.

the whole softly, softy approach does not work with these kind of people.