need to catch cheating partner

maz99

Hi all,

well my story is a depressing one but my fiance has been with someone else and wants me to give him another chance and go through with the wedding which is just a few months away. I believe he is still in some contact with this other woman, think its just a gut feeling. really would love to know whats going on in his phone...but dont know how to go about it.
Now i know it may sound crazy but i'm considering hacking his phone using software you can buy on the internet. Has anyone ever done this or heard anything about it? (please dont judge and say she's mad, i just want to see if my gut feeling is right, if i walk away and do nothing i'll always wonder what if...)

any feedback would be greatly appreciated,

Daegerty

maz99 wrote: »

Hi all,

well my story is a depressing one but my fiance has been with someone else and wants me to give him another chance and go through with the wedding which is just a few months away. I believe he is still in some contact with this other woman, think its just a gut feeling. really would love to know whats going on in his phone...but dont know how to go about it.
Now i know it may sound crazy but i'm considering hacking his phone using software you can buy on the internet. Has anyone ever done this or heard anything about it? (please dont judge and say she's mad, i just want to see if my gut feeling is right, if i walk away and do nothing i'll always wonder what if...)

any feedback would be greatly appreciated,

You might as well just walk away now, that is a very bad start to be getting off to. It isn't worth your time of the day to be trying to catch him out tbh

HugoDrax

maz99 wrote: »

Hi all,

well my story is a depressing one but my fiance has been with someone else and wants me to give him another chance and go through with the wedding which is just a few months away. I believe he is still in some contact with this other woman, think its just a gut feeling. really would love to know whats going on in his phone...but dont know how to go about it.
Now i know it may sound crazy but i'm considering hacking his phone using software you can buy on the internet. Has anyone ever done this or heard anything about it? (please dont judge and say she's mad, i just want to see if my gut feeling is right, if i walk away and do nothing i'll always wonder what if...)

any feedback would be greatly appreciated,

If you are going to hack someone's phone you could get in trouble with the Gardai

Instead if you really want to pursue it you can hire a private investigator and if he finds evidence he can give it to you and you can confront him.

But if you really believe he is cheating with another women, why are you even considering marrying him for?

Dump him for a while and see how he likes life without you and not unless he literally comes crawling back will you take him and only if you have proof that he is not cheating.

Daegerty

HugoDrax wrote: »

If you are going to hack someone's phone you could get in trouble with the Gardai

Instead if you really want to pursue it you can hire a private investigator and if he finds evidence he can give it to you and you can confront him.

But if you really believe he is cheating with another women, why are you even considering marrying him for?

Dump him for a while and see how he likes life without you and not unless he literally comes crawling back will you take him and only if you have proof that he is not cheating.

From the sounds of it he has been caught or admitted it before

and private investigators for something like this would be a pure waste of money

maz99

yes he has admitted it but said it was just a pre-marriage moment of madness but i dont know if i believe him. even i did i dont know would it help much. think my head is just all over the place and my suggestions are just a sign that i'm doing everything but facing the facts.
Feel so miserable though.

thanks for advice guys

Daegerty

maz99 wrote: »

yes he has admitted it but said it was just a pre-marriage moment of madness but i dont know if i believe him. even i did i dont know would it help much. think my head is just all over the place and my suggestions are just a sign that i'm doing everything but facing the facts.
Feel so miserable though.

thanks for advice guys

I don't either. It sounds like oul cod's wallop hes spouting out really

maz99

more than anything i just want to get back at him in some way...catch him out in a lie and see his face or something but know its only a temporary fix. just makes me sick, 8 years including a 2 year engagement and then this...dresses bought everthing booked, family all excited (well everyone except me that is!)
thanks again D.

Kevin Duffy

If the trust is gone, so is the relationship. Your questions should be about whether you should be together at all, not a crazy scheme to spy on him.

Besides, you can never prove a negative, so you'll never find evidence that he's not cheating, only a lack of evidence that he is, or evidence that he is. Neither will make you happy.

Anybody cheating on a relationship is, in my opinion, expressing their feelings about the relationship - they're not happy, they have no respect for their partner, they're not able for committment, they're selfish, immature, they think they can get away with it, take your pick. Staying together might not be a good idea, moving on to marriage would be a crazy one.

maz99

hi kevin,
ya i know ideas of spying are bit mad and i dont know if you've been on the receiving end of it but its really hurtful, devastating in fact. i gather your not one for second chances either? i am but really dont think i can give one in this case eventhough the thoughts of not trying again make me physically sick.
thanks

Kevin Duffy

The mad ideas are excusable, you're in an unenviable and horrid situtation which is bound to inspire some wild ideas.

I have been cheated on. My experience suggests that the no second chances is the only policy worth applying. It's sad, but that's my experience. Not everyone will agree I'm sure.

I suspect, without speaking for you, that you're not so much confused, as already know what you think you should do, but are afraid of the terminal and upsetting nature of your decision. If you have to make a hard choice, people may be shocked, money might be wasted, you will be hurt, but the money's spent anyway, they will get over it and so will you. Don't be afraid of a decision to look after your future and put your long-term happiness first.

maz99

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

The mad ideas are excusable, you're in an unenviable and horrid situtation which is bound to inspire some wild ideas.

I have been cheated on. My experience suggests that the no second chances is the only policy worth applying. It's sad, but that's my experience. Not everyone will agree I'm sure.

I suspect, without speaking for you, that you're not so much confused, as already know what you think you should do, but are afraid of the terminal and upsetting nature of your decision. If you have to make a hard choice, people may be shocked, money might be wasted, you will be hurt, but the money's spent anyway, they will get over it and so will you. Don't be afraid of a decision to look after your future and put your long-term happiness first.

You're sooooo right. Thanks for the words of encouragement, much appreciated.
Goodluck to you

seenitall

For heaven's sake, OP, have more self-love and common sense than to marry a cheater!!

If you marry him, that wedding dress may be put to good use, but YOUR FUTURE WON'T! Mark my words.

Best wishes.

Neyite

OP,

Ask him straight out if you can look through his phone - after all, he is the one that broke your trust, and if its a once off like he swears it is, then he would have nothing to hide, yeah? He can argue that you dont trust him, but whose fault is that? You want to believe him, but your trust in him has taken a beating due to his actions.

Tell him you are having doubts, and are thinking about cancelling the wedding, and would like his permission to go through his phone, there and then. If he has nothing to hide and wants a future with you he should be willing to do what it takes to convince you.

But, I suspect, that even if his phone is clean, you will wonder about other ways he is cheating - the bottom line is that you are not convinced its a once off and on that basis, if I were you, I would be cancelling the wedding, and calling it a day with him, but thats just me.

Katgurl

If you really really need to know this then just steal the phone either when you're in a restaurant / in a bar then swear blind you didn't, put it on silent and lose the rag if he suggests you have it.

then see if anything weird comes in.

personally i would find it next to impossible to get over the betrayal but i suppose you have decided give him this second chance. if however, you do find something and i mean anythign at all, then close the door on this relationship, pack your bags and dont look back.

if you don't find anything but still find yourself relentlessly looking then leave at least for a couple of months. it may well be that you want to forgive him but you dont' and because you have allegedly moved on you are looking for another reason to really vent all the rage and anger. Tell him the truth - you are still reeling from the shock and you need some time alone, you're not sure how long & if he's serious about making it up to you, he'll allow you this. Postpone the wedding indefinitely. Yeah its a pain but this is the rest of your life you're talking about. Do you really want to be taking those vows with a heavy weight of unease on your shoulders?

a relationship that drives you crazy just isn't worth it. I know because i've been there. In my case my suspicions were true but tbh even if they weren't the demented paranoia and angst would send me running for the hills if I ever experienced anythign like it again.

If you find nothing and think you can learn to trust him again, then give it a wholehearted shot. You've been wiht him a long time and believe it or not I do know a guy who similarly had a pre-wedding panic, cheated and then was so filled with remorse he channelled all his energy into being best husband ever.


The very best of luck. You are in a horrible situation during a time that should be filled with happiness and excitement.

I am a friend

My cousins ex dumped her one day he met her for lunch ten days before their wedding - he was cheating. She was heartbroken as she had no suspicions and the big day was fully planned. She has since gone on go meet the most amazing man who would never hurt her and they have 2 fab kids. The ex is on engagement no 4 now...

Op, what's happens if you don't find any evidence until 6 months after you marry him but you knew all along? Why not postpone the wedding as you dont seem able to walk away yet.

How did you find out he cheated? Do you know who the girl is? Could you talk to her?

You know this guy very well so dont minimise the importance of what your gut is telling you?

LegacyUser

Other than the cheating, what was he like during the 8 years you have been together?

Do you think the cheating was a one off thing, just now, or it might have happened before?

I wouldn't throw away 8 years of a relationship due to a one night stand cheating, unless it was something longer and more frequent.

As much as we hate the idea, people cheat all the time, and it just gets worse after marriage.

The question is whether that will be noticeable, and whether that will affect your relationtionship - if he sleeps with the secretary once a year but is a loving husband in all other aspects, ok. If he is having affairs and because of that is disrespectful to you, ditch him.

I would check his phone, if he keeps the messages/call log.

If he has a bill, you can check online each number he called, how often, etc.

Email might be even better for some people. Dating sites might also give you a clue. I don't know how feasible is the detective, but sounds like a good idea too.

Good luck. But read the stats and talk to your guy friends (if they are genuine) and you will see cheating is way more common than we girls like to believe, and most of the time don't really mean much either for them. Sad but true.

paperclip2

I am a friend is right OP. Why not suggest postponing the wedding to see if you can get back on track? If you don't manage to patch things up then at least you are free to walk with the knowledge you gave it your best shot.

Elbi

Op

I am very sorry to hear about your situation.

I firmly believe in "gut feelings" and you definitely have reason to still be suspcious. Even if you find out that this time he is NOT cheating do you think you will ever be truly comfortable with him? For me I know that I'd never feel comfortable again with him. Everytime he went out with out me my mind would be racing and in the end I'd drive myself mad.

I know people slip up and sometimes deserve a second chance, you have given this second chance and you still think there is something going on.

CDfm

It wouldn't be for me and I would be for postponing or calling off the wedding.

Then that is me.

I get the feeling that it was your pride that has stopped you doing this and probably the fear of starting all over again. There is a recession on etc and that is the reality.

My feeling is that whether or not he is cheating now you have not gotten over what happened and have problems articulating that. Your mad ideas is you hurting and it does not matter if he still is seeing the other woman still as you are still hurting and do not trust him.

So maybe what you need to do is find a relationship/couple counsellor or go to the likes of Accord and get someone who can facilitate you discussing this in a non Jerry Springer way. Its an awfil lot of baggage to be bringing to a wedding.

That would be a starting point on whether or not you go ahead. Some relationships do survive affairs while others don't . Some marriages survive jail sentences etc and all kinds of stuff like drug addictions and the like.

tbh

whatever else you do, for gods sake don't get married in a few months.

Beruthiel

maz99 wrote: »

Now i know it may sound crazy but i'm considering hacking his phone using software you can buy on the internet.

Maz, I'm sorry, but when you are reduced to trying to do the above, I can safely say, you're relationship is in ruins.
The above speaks volumes.
He's cheated on you, clearly the trust is totally gone. You suspect him of lying and think he is still in contact with this woman.
All of the above shows that your need to take a big step back from this.
Certainly, cancel the wedding for now. At the very least, ring up the hotel and put the booking off for a year. They will do that for you.

Sure, you are thinking of all that has been organised, the expense, the people.
BUT, this is the rest of your life we are talking about here and if you are not 100% sure that this man is the one for you, that this man has your back, loves you unconditionally, then you are heading for disaster.

Were I in your position, I'd have walked.
I know enough about myself to get that I would never, ever be able to trust him again, therefore the relationship would be doomed.

Best of luck.

Chickaroo

Hi Maz

Sorry to hear you are going through all this at a time when you should be looking forward to and getting excited about your forthcoming nuptuals.

However from my own personal experience these type of lads never change and his claim that it was a moment of madness more than likely far from that!! I was with my ex-OH for 6yrs and engaged for 2, caught him on the net to girls and let him away with it as I got all the promises that it wouldn't happen again, fast forward 1.5yr and lo and behold does it again!! I decided then that I was worth more than that and deserved to be treated better, and you deserve that also!! I know you have everything booked and invites are probably gone out but I can guarantee you that if you dump his lying ass and explain whyso to your family they will fully support you and be delighted that you didn't go ahead with it!! I really think you should take a step back from this and take some time out to weigh everything up and then make a decision don't let the impending wedding sway your decision as you are not the first and defo wont be the last person to postpone/cancel a wedding at short notice!!

Trust is a very big thing in a relationship and without it they cannot function you might be able to coast along for a while but you will always have doubts about his fidelity and truthfulness, do you really want a relationship like that??

I really hope you are ok as it is not a good situation to be in but think of yourself in all of this, don't let him manipulate you into giving him another chance!!

Good Luck x

ennis81

PLEASE don't marry him, I know a girl who was in your situation and she went ahead with the wedding 4 months later she left him, caught him cheating again with one of her friends, trying to get seperation, house sold etc now..... She says the worse thing she ever did was go ahead with the wedding and she wishes she listened to her gut feelings.
I know this must be very hard for you but protect yourself, you are worth more

LegacyUser

OP, be careful when listening to some of these posts.

You don't need to cancel your wedding right now. You certainly don't need spyware and you don't need to go contacting any girl he slept with.
Invading someone's privacy is a betrayal of trust too.

You need the truth from him, and you also need to be able to accept that truth, whatever it is... and the truth could well be that he's remorseful. And if it was a one night stand, I'm not sure I'd be throwing away all eight years over it. People make mistakes but they also learn from them and move on.
Accord counselling is the best suggestion on the table right now, not only to get the truth from him (if you haven't already got it) but to communicate how much this has affected you. Also, I would be concerned that your (understandable) paranoia might actually drive him away - I know you're the wronged party but the balance in relationships can shift overnight.

There are a zillion stories out there of cheaters who go on cheating and zillion stories of cheaters who end up being great husbands or wives. The only story that should matter to you is yours. Go to counselling and work it out between yourselves.

maz99

I am a friend wrote: »

My cousins ex dumped her one day he met her for lunch ten days before their wedding - he was cheating. She was heartbroken as she had no suspicions and the big day was fully planned. She has since gone on go meet the most amazing man who would never hurt her and they have 2 fab kids. The ex is on engagement no 4 now...

Op, what's happens if you don't find any evidence until 6 months after you marry him but you knew all along? Why not postpone the wedding as you dont seem able to walk away yet.

How did you find out he cheated? Do you know who the girl is? Could you talk to her?

You know this guy very well so dont minimise the importance of what your gut is telling you?

I saw a dirty text in his phone and he admitted it when I asked him. i dont know her at all but she lives in nearby town and really do feel want to hear her side of things. He didnt put blame on her or anything but guess i just want to know if he's told me the whole story.
Thanks for all the advice guys, it really does help.

I am a friend

So it wasn't a once off drunken snog with a stranger plus they obviously exchanged phone numbers. The bit that stands out is that he didn't even tell you... Do you knOw how long it went on for etc

Hon if he is not bending over backwards to make this up to you then you need to hit pause

maz99

I am a friend wrote: »

So it wasn't a once off drunken snog with a stranger plus they obviously exchanged phone numbers. The bit that stands out is that he didn't even tell you... Do you knOw how long it went on for etc

Hon if he is not bending over backwards to make this up to you then you need to hit pause

No need by heck he didnt tell me. It happened in cold light of day, they arranged that he'd go to her house when he was supposed to be out of the office on an appointment he told me. All very organised wasnt it. makes me physically sick even writing this.
P.S. they slept together...and even though the one thing he swore blind on was that it was only one time, i'm finding it soo hard to believe him.

trio

God that's desperate, I'd assumed it was some drunken thing out with the lads.

But a carefully arranged thing in the middle of the day.....God. That's very planned, isn't it?

I'm not one for knee-jerk reactions, but I don't like the sound of this at all. It's not some randomer he shagged after a club. It sounds like much more than that. Like they had a "date".

Does he have feelings for her, do you think? He may be infatuated with her.

Even if you do postpone the wedding - no-one has to know why. You can just spread the word around that you've cruched through your numbers and realised it'd be better to do it next year when you've saved a bit more money.

maz99

trio wrote: »

God that's desperate, I'd assumed it was some drunken thing out with the lads.

But a carefully arranged thing in the middle of the day.....God. That's very planned, isn't it?

I'm not one for knee-jerk reactions, but I don't like the sound of this at all. It's not some randomer he shagged after a club. It sounds like much more than that. Like they had a "date".

Does he have feelings for her, do you think? He may be infatuated with her.

Even if you do postpone the wedding - no-one has to know why. You can just spread the word around that you've cruched through your numbers and realised it'd be better to do it next year when you've saved a bit more money.

no feelings he said but i know well he was propably infatuated with her and judging by her text to him...she was no shy angel or anything. oh and wait for it, she's married! ( it so doesnt even feel like i'm talking about my 'fiance', feels like i'm telling someone elses horrible story).

greengiant09

you'd be a fool to marry him. i'd suspect that people you know are aware he's been cheating on you but probably don't want to say anything. i know of this exact situation with a work colleague.

I am a friend

Oh god pet my heart goes out to you.... That's very seedy.

It's easy for a stranger to tell you to run but if it were a sister I would tell you the same...

It's not good enough for you to trust your future in his hands

maz99

Thanks 'I am a friend' and to everyone who posted.
Feel so low right now that walking away seems like the hardest thing to do. Then again, staying seems just as bad. F**K him for ruining everything and letting things go this far. So many people will be hurt by this, especially my parents who are not on the right side of 65. They adore him and it will break their hearts but i know...they'll get over it.

LAST QUESTION GUYS...what would ye tell people reason was for split??
i'll tell family the truth but after i dont think i'll tell anyone else. Too mortifying.

tbh

You don't necessarily have to split, yet, but don't get married either. If you *do* split, I wouldnt have a problem saying "he cheated" if you're asked. It's the truth after all, and you have certainly nothing to be ashamed off.

Taltos

OP - I would not hide the truth - why protect him.

Why not say we had different opinions around the meaning of commitent / monogamy.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Keep your head high. Much better that you find out now than after the marriage. A mate of mine was told on his honeymoon by his new bride that she had been carrying on and only went through with the ceremoney as all was booked and they had received the presents - queue - 3 yrs of headaches trying to get out of it...

I know it is really easy for us saying this though - and telling you not to give him a second thought but surround yourself with friends now. Also don't let someone like him stop you from trying to meet someone new when you are ready. Not all guys are that bad, nor women

maz99

Good points guys. Somehow it feels like do or die, that staying together and not getting married is just not an option. Dont know why i feel like that, definitely need to give that some more though to work out how i really feel about the postponing suggestion.

Head so messed its hard to figure out what my thoughts are to be honest. Thinks thats why i'm on here so much frying all ye're heads!

Thanks to everyone, I mean it.

shinikins

Oh sweetheart, my heart goes out to you, such a terrible place to be.

If it were me in your shoes i would walk away and take pleasure in telling everyone exactly why. If you do decide to stay with him, postpone the wedding and let him work on gaining your trust back. But don't torture yourself by trying to catch him out, you'll end up resorting to underhand tactics that will really twist you up.

My ex cheated on me. We were together 6 years in all, had travelled the world, were getting married, building a house. I found out when he asked me to check his emails-found some extremely graphic pictures and correspondance, but because i was so in love with him stayed and tried to work on the relationship. It ate me up, i became suspicious of everything and for my own sanity i had to walk away. Stupidly i said nothing and when people asked I said we had grown apart. Everyone thought he was a good guy and i was the cow who had dumped him and broken his heart. So i lost a lot of good friends too. My parents loved him, but when i eventually told my Mum what had happened she was shocked and so heartbroken that i had carried around such torment by myself, she told me that no matter how much she and my Dad liked him, and were very fond of him, they loved me more, and my happiness was all that mattered to them.

Hold your head up-you have done nothing to be embarrassed about. Confide in your friends and family-they won't judge you.

Neyite

Your parents, they love you - if anyone knows the importance of a solid foundation for a marriage its your parents. They know the wedding day is only a party, and its only money. Cheating is bad, but this was pre-meditated and planned which makes it worse. He chose in the sober, cold light of day to cheat on you and that shows the man he is.

All you have to say to anyone that is rude enough to ask why the wedding is off, is that he turned out to be someone you could not marry. If anything, you are to be admired for having the strengh to call a halt before you are tied legally and financially to him for a minimium of the next 4 years - (I think you have to be legally separated for this minimum before you can divorce)

A friend of mine had a wedding all planned and paid for. 2 months before the big day she got jilted - there was no other person involved, he just didnt love her. Once the shock passed, she organised the sale of their house, and dissolved their joint finances. She now has a small family with her new partner and looks back to see she dodged a big bullet. You will too.

Do you have wedding insurance? could you see if some of the costs could be recovered?

LegacyUser

I think you know in your heart what you have to do here. WALK Away with your dignity.

I had the misfortune of getting involved with a guy who i thought was single and turned out he was married. He cheated on her prior to the wedding with other girls and was found out but she buried her head in the sand and thought he would change..fast forward 2 years and he is cheating all over town.

In my defence i ran a mile when i found out he was married but when i asked him why he did it...his response was "she knows well and has never said it to me so she must know the marriage is crap too but we are stuck in this house we cant sell..blah blah"

These type of men never change and only get worse...

LegacyUser

This is such a horrible position to be in and my heart goes out to you.

But whatever you do, DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. You deserve so much more than this. I went on to marry the guy who cheated on me when we were engaged. He went on to cheat with someone else and our "marriage" didn't even last the first year. Do yourself a favour and save yourself a LOT of unnecessary paperwork and get out now. At the very least, put the wedding on hold while you sort it all out.

And in terms of whether or not it was more than this once, I could guarantee that it has been going on for a while. In order for them to have their midday hook-up, they would have had to have met previously, decided they were attracted to each other, exchanged number, planned the event, ensured her place was free etc etc. There is a LOT of planning that goes into this, which means there were a LOT of steps where he could have realised what he was doing was wrong and stopped it. As bad as a drunken snog is, it's usually spontaneous and not really planned. For me, the idea that he'd thought about it, organised it, lied to you to facilitate it and probably had been looking forward to it is just sickening. It's a lie about a future act of cheating, not a lie about a drunken mistake.

And yes - tell EVERYONE who asks the real reason for the break-up. You owe him nothing. He's the one who should be explaining, not you.

Hugs, OP. This will get better. It takes time, and if you want to try to work it out, put a time limit on it for your own sanity. Don't make this an endless project.

FWIW - I met a wonderful, wonderful man and now have a precious baby son. Life is too short to not be able to trust your partner.

LegacyUser

People will only do to you what you allow them to do.

He cheated on you. And you let him away with it by staying with him. He no longer has a reason to stay faithful to you as he paid no consequence the first time he was unfaithful.

You can't be so desperate that you'd marry a man who cheated on you just to save money. Do not marry him. Have some self respect.

Beruthiel

maz99 wrote: »

So many people will be hurt by this, especially my parents who are not on the right side of 65. They adore him and it will break their hearts but i know...they'll get over it.

Yes, they will get over it, very quickly once they know the truth.
They love you and want the best for you, they will more than understand that you are doing the right thing.

LAST QUESTION GUYS...what would ye tell people reason was for split??
i'll tell family the truth but after i dont think i'll tell anyone else. Too mortifying.

Mortifying for him. Not you. You did nothing.
So tell everyone the truth, absolutely no reason for you to lie on his behalf.
Also, it is much easier to tell the truth than to start making up some silly story.
Best of luck!

maz99

desperatedesperate wrote: »

People will only do to you what you allow them to do.
He cheated on you. And you let him away with it by staying with him. He no longer has a reason to stay faithful to you as he paid no consequence the first time he was unfaithful.
You can't be so desperate that you'd marry a man who cheated on you just to save money. Do not marry him. Have some self respect.

I havent 'stayed with him'. i'm taking time to weigh up all my options. Didnt see the point in calling it all off straight away in anger only later to have doubts about whether i'd made a rash decision. Its 8 years and the rest of my life i'm deciding on so think me taking time to decide is the sensible thing to do.
I know I need to walk away but because i was already at a low point personally before this happened, i'm finding it very difficult to be brave enough to do it.

maz99

To everyone who has posted,


Thank you all sooo much. I can honestly say that every word is appreciated.

tbh

good lucker mazzer, you'll be alright.

extra-ordinary_

The right thing and the hard thing are usually the same thing.

I am a friend

maz99 wrote: »

I know I need to walk away but because i was already at a low point personally before this happened, i'm finding it very difficult to be brave enough to do it.

You are brave by even considering doing it.... Some people would just put it to the back of their heads and keep going....

Hassle seems to follow hassle and I know, from experience, that its hard to make a big move when the world appears to be against you already... I broke up with a fiance before and it was horrendous mainly as he hadnt done anything wrong - I just didnt love him enough. It was so hard as we had a house etc as well but it was the right thing to do and I have never looked back.

You are in a different position given that he has done wrong and its a horrible choice to have to make but imagine taking the easy option.. Is that the kind of life you want?

At the end of the day, it makes no difference to me if you stay with him (as I dont know you) and everyone here is just giivng you the benefit of their life experience and you will do what you decide to do but make sure you make a choice that will leave you ultimately happy. If you can forgive him, trust him and believe in him then stay with him. If not, run and dont look back cos you will meet someone who wont do that to you - I promise

LegacyUser

OP, however hard this breakup will affect your parents, it would hurt them FAR far more if they found out(which parents inevitably do!) that you were trapped in a marriage where you were desperately lonely and unhappy.

easyeason3

I don't usually come here but I was bored & decided to see what Personal Issues was all about.

First off, WOW. The advice & common sense being given on this thread is seriously good. Fair play to everyone.

Secondly, my sister was engaged to a guy who did the dirt on her. Date set, deposits paid & only a few months to go to the big day. She found out & didn't hesitate in getting rid of him. Her theory was once a cheater always a cheater. It was devastating for her to be honest, she was a wreck for a few months after it.
But she picked herself up, dusted herself off & held her head up high. She did nothing wrong but felt embarrassed by the whole sorry story.
My parents were initially shocked as her ex seemed to be besotted with her & showed no signs of being a ladies man. After the shock wore off they were very angry, lets just say that it's a good thing he doesn't live near us.
Anyway a few years later she met a wonderful man & married him. Even she will admit that it's a different, more real kind of love than what she had with her ex. It just came naturally & there is never an issue of trusting her husband. What happened her was awful but she didn't let it tarnish this relationship in any way, it was in the past.

If you could get away by yourself for a few days then do it. Go somewhere remote & have a proper think. Write your feelings & fears down & read them back the next day. You will be amazed how this will help you make a discision.

I personally feel that I can't tell you to stay or to go. There's only one person to make that choice & that person is you. However I will say that to save embarrassment & hurting your family are not good enough reasons to get married.

Best of luck with your future & whatever you decide I hope it all works out.

aidan24326

maz99 wrote: »

more than anything i just want to get back at him in some way...catch him out in a lie and see his face or something but know its only a temporary fix. just makes me sick, 8 years including a 2 year engagement and then this...dresses bought everthing booked, family all excited (well everyone except me that is!)
thanks again D.

OP I think you need to slow down a bit here. How do you know that he's still cheating? How do you know his dalliance with yer one wasn't just a once-off? (not that it being a one-off excuses it, but it helps in regard to whether he's telling the truth or not)

You're putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 7. Though I suppose the real issue here is the fact that the trust in your relationship is seriously damaged, and once the trust is damaged like that your relationship is in big trouble. It is possible to get it back, but you're going to need the truth from him, and if you're still in doubt that he's lying/hiding things or you feel you simply can't trust what he says then at that stage it hardly matters whether he's still cheating or not, because your relstionship may be terminally broken anyway. By the way, even looking through his phone may be of litte help, as it may not prove anything one way or another.

common sense brigade

pay someone to seduce him and see if he falls for the bait . aside from that your better off leaving him and moving on with your life.

missgroovy21

once a cheater always a cheater!!! you have every right to feel the way you do.....if hes still seeing er then dont marry him you'll end up misreable and he'll do it again because he'll think he can get away with it.....

if you can get the phone without him seeing then i would but dont go off on one if you see messages that you dont like....you did invade his privacy in that respect....on the other hand if u wanna stalk him in a ncie way....try facebook...is he on facebook??? see if you can get his user name and password....or if your on fb and connected with him...check what he writes to her and what she writes to him....fb isnt as private as people think!!!

alternatively....confront him!!! if he says "you dont trust me" and starts getting angry....chances are hes still cheating!!!!