feel guilty for how i treated ex-bf

rainbows

when i was in first year in college I meet a guy (bryan) in my class n we dated for three years. During this relationship i was quite immature. I had a really bad temper problem n would flip from being nice to screaming n being a complete bitch in seconds. but bryan kind of was really taken with me n more or less do let me do what i wanted. i was the boss my far. so after these angry episodes all i would do was hug him n act really sorry n he would say its fine forget it about it. I did love him n thought we would get married n have kids someday n we would always talk about that.
However after 3 years i broke up wit him cos i began to see him more a friend as a boyfriend.
He really wasnt happy wit this n took the break up quite badly. He started drinking lots n threatening he would kill himself n a couple of times he would go missing for days n i would be so worried about him.
However when this was happening i wasnt really there for him. I hated him for was he was doing to himself n to me. I couldnt cope n i just wasnt really there for him. He expected me to be there but i just couldnt support him. because i was upset about the relationship ending too cos i did believe we would spend all our lives together.
A few months later though i go into a bit of trouble n bryan was the only person who i turned to for help. He advised me how to get myself out of the trouble but i ignored him. it resulted in bryan having to completely save my ass. he really protected me from this trouble both emotionally n financially.n i cant ever repay him. now we r good friends n bryan is the person who i trust most in this world beside my own family. he supports me through everything.
But he always wanted to be more than just a friend. it wasnt possible to ignore him cos he depends on me alot also cos his family live n a different country. i know he loves me n would move heaven n earth to be wit me. but i have told him it not going to happen n i think hes finally realised this.
soon he going back to his home country n im really glad cos he can start afresh there n hopefully his feelings will fade when he is doesnt have to see me so much.
i really want the best for him in life. i care for him a lot.he really is a sweet and generous guy. i have tried apologizing but he says forget it. but i cant forget it. i can never repay him for the support he has given me. i feel so guilty of how i treated him both during and after the relationship. i just cant stop crying. is this normal? or am i just being self indulgent?

sorry that its quite long and thx for reading

Taltos

Would you consider going to see your GP for a referral.
From your thread I picked out a few things.
> rage
> excessive guilt / anxiety

It might be best to work through with someone how best to deal with both of these so that you learn how to break the cycle.

It is normal to feel guilty about how badly we have each treated someone we care about, it is not healthy though to let that guilt be all consuming to the exclusion of all else - including your own eventual happiness. Hopefully his departure will help you move on - however it might not - hence my suggestion to seek someone to talk to (not medication, just talking...). Any strong emotion can become almost addictive - whether it is pain, love, anger, hate or joy - during those times we can feel most alive. However life is not meant to be lived in extremes - and the normal times can seem almost lifeless by comparison.

At the end of the day - many of us have been pr1cks to someone we reallly cared about. It does not matter how much we apologise - it does not nor can it ever wipe out the things we said or did. All we can do is say an honest sorry (hope but not rely on forgiveness) and learn from our past actions so we don't repeat our mistakes.
Maybe what we need is a subforum here where we can post our apologies anonymously.

flowerchild

What could happen if you did accept his acceptance and support of you, calmly? And what could happen if you did let go your guilt?

Have a think about it.

Moomoo1

this is a lesson to all guys out there

never ever let a woman treat you badly during a relationship, because if you do it will invariably fizzle out - no matter how well it goes initially.

but regarding your guilt

there's nothing wrong with guilt - it's natural to feel guilty. Anyone who doesn't is not a good person imho. So yeah, I'd say it's normal.

Sleepy

BH, it sounds like you should feel guilty. You fairly messed the guy about.

The best thing you can do is learn from it tbh. Next time you're in a relationship don't behave like a spoilt drama queen and if it ends, cut all contact.

Wagon

Do the bloke a favour and cut contact.

This isn't a friendship you two have. He wants more and you don't. People are friends when they are just friends, not when one is in love with the other person. From what you have written, he is better off without you because I'm getting the impression that he has put himself under the illusion that he needs you. 3 years is a long time.

So you have to do the most fair thing in the world and insist that being friends won't work. It requires you to get off your hole and grow up because it won't be an easy thing to do. Put all the drama crap behind you and let him go and don't contact him in the future. You may feel like you owe this guy something for all the help he as given you but I think that getting out of his life will possibly be the best thing you well ever do for him. no offence or anything, but it really does sound like you've screwed into this chap's head and messed him around.