I never get any male attention...

LegacyUser

I'm a female in my twenties.

I'm not unconfident. I know I'm pretty. However, I'm not stunning or intimidating or anything like that.

I take care of myself. I wash daily. I don't dress like a grandmother. I don't slouch, etc.

I never get approached by men. Ever. I'm at a loss as to why. I wondered if I'm just not attractive, but I really don't think that's it...

In longer term settings, I'd guess it was my personality (I work in a competitive field), but even on nights out and the like I never get approached.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm attractive in a "my Mammy thinks I'm lovely" kind of way, or attractive like a sculpture...

I'm not at all vain or arrogant, but I felt it necessary to make it clear that I'm neither lacking in confidence nor plain.

Any suggestions appreciated.

PK2008

Do you ever approach guys?

LegacyUser

PK2008 wrote: »

Do you ever approach guys?

I should have been clearer. I'm not actually looking for anything. I would approach men if I were, and perhaps that would be revealing.

I'm no shrinking violet, and I don't think it's the man's job or anything...

The thing is, many of my friends aren't looking for anything and still get approached.

It's more the lack of attention that worries me than anything else.

I'm still a virgin (which I'm okay with). Just mentioning it for the sake of giving information.

supremenovice

Well, from a mans point of view, a girl who stands out to me is one who shows interest in me .
I think most guys would say that. If Im in a pub/club, there is always a bevy of goregous looking girls. But, if Im passing by and just glancing around, the girls who stand out are the ones who catch my eye or I catch them looking at me, and at that stage I dont care about anyone else. Being flirty is always a plus, ooze confidence but dont be arrogant. A modestly good looking girl can suddenly become the hottest girl in the place with the right moves.

You might have to be clinical for a minute with yourself OP. Is your body language all wrong? lack of eye contact with guys? Too quiet? Do you hide beside other more boisterous friends? Only 7% of communication is verbal.
Think about it.

cantdecide

I think it comes down to appearance, body language or a mix of both, maybe. Body language is easy. Eye contact, smiling, not tucking yourself into corners etc. Behaving in such a way that doesn't leave you isolated. Just common sense really. The appearance thing can be trickier. I don't doubt that you are attractive but it might just be something about your look. It's fine to think that you aren't intimidatingly attractive but you may have some intimidating qualities. I've noticed that lots of the Polish women I meet can sometimes have 'sharper' features than you average Irish lass. It can make them seem a tad more initimidating or stern maybe. For this, it may be worth consulting friends.

Have you always seen this as a problem? In other words, has this always bothered you or is it just that you aren't fussed about meeting someone and just wonder why?

jimmycrackcorm

OP, what signals are you giving to any potential guys you like? I met my OH when I caught her looking at me several times which meant that it was safe to approach. Do you really think men enjoy trying to ask women out and getting constant refusals unless they have a clue that they are going to have some success?

tan11ie

It could be down to body language and your over all approachability.

I remember once been out in a pub and a guy walked over to me from across the room. He said he just wanted to say hi and how nice it was to see a girl who smiles a lot as every other girl in the pub had a scowl on.

Any way just thought I'd share this...maybe it's all in the smile

wylo

Sounds to me like your not putting yourself across as approachable. There is nothing more intimidating/offputting than a woman who looks miserable/serious/snobby/not smiling/laughing. Im not saying you are doing that but it definitely makes a HUGE difference to a girls attractiveness.

What tan11ie said there is so true, that guy that approached her speaks for us all, honestly.

Fact is, guys are wusses, if they have an option of going to a girl thats slightly cute and is laughing/giggling/smiling/approachable vs a really good looking girl thats standing there looking intimidating/tough to please they will go for the slightly cute one. We like to think we can make girls laugh, whether they're faking it or not its still nice to be around a girl that laughs/smiles.

LegacyUser

A few points I picked up from the post
1: I don't think you're as pretty or attractive as you think you are.
2: I think you expecting men to approach you is putting men off approaching you

Even the terribly ugly women get approached on nights out, so I'd imagine it's a combination of 1 & 2. This is pretty easily fixed though. A bit more effort on your appearance and a bit of work with regards to how you deal with people would go a long way I think.

Something fairly significant is putting men off going near you and it'll only be you who can figure it out, or perhaps friends of yours would know best as they'd know how you act on nights out. You claim you're not looking for something, well "look" for something and see how it goes. If you're unsuccessful then there's something greater at play which again, only you/your friends/those who know your personality will be able to determine.

Best of luck!

IrishEyes19

From what I can gather from men posting here, its all in the eye contact, OP, and its true. Any time Ive made eye contact with a guy on a night out, if he's interested, they do generally approach you eventually.

I dont agree with the above poster saying your not as pretty as you think you are. thats silly. I didnt get from your post that you were saying you were very pretty, only that you consider yourself reasonably attractive which is good. its nice to see confidence on the boards and someone who feels good about themselves. but stop fretting about attracting guys, perhaps your discomfort that you arent being approached comes across in your manner. smile makes all the difference, Ive always believed that. I wouldnt approach a frowning guy in a bar and perhaps you dont smile much when your out, because your mind is focused on how much you arent being approached.

Emme

UglyBettyFoReal wrote: »

A few points I picked up from the post
1: I don't think you're as pretty or attractive as you think you are.
2: I think you expecting men to approach you is putting men off approaching you

Even the terribly ugly women get approached on nights out, so I'd imagine it's a combination of 1 & 2. This is pretty easily fixed though. A bit more effort on your appearance and a bit of work with regards to how you deal with people would go a long way I think.

Something fairly significant is putting men off going near you and it'll only be you who can figure it out, or perhaps friends of yours would know best as they'd know how you act on nights out. You claim you're not looking for something, well "look" for something and see how it goes. If you're unsuccessful then there's something greater at play which again, only you/your friends/those who know your personality will be able to determine.

Best of luck!

Betty, you're contradicting yourself, first you say the OP probably isn't as attractive as she thinks and then you say that terribly ugly women get approached on nights out. Where's the logic in that?

OP, I think you might be a bit of an ice queen and not realise it. Try to relax a bit when you're out, go out for the sake of having fun and not just to meet a man. Have a laugh.

spinandscribble

OP when you catch yourself in reflections are you frowning? I think some people naturally frown or seem down (mixture of natural expression/stress/tiredness) which doesn't help.

Just something to think about. Doesn't matter how pretty you are if you're scowling no ones gonna wanna approach that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, everyone!

If anything, I'm accused of being too smiley, so I don't think I'm scowly. I'm definitely friendly. I'm also very good for eye contact.

However, body language is a possible issue. I have considered it, and it could even be that I'm not a "cuddly" person in social situations. Also, my line of work requires "professional distance" and I may be unintentionally applying this elsewhere.

I don't approach men because I'm not actively looking for anyone (I know I've said this already, but I think some people missed it). I'm largely curious, and would like to be prepared for when/if I do pursue someone!

As for the poster who said he/she imagines I'm not as attractive as I think I am, I don't know where you're getting that from. Firstly, you haven't actually seen me. Secondly, I am basing some of my self evaluation on comments from trusted others and it corresponds with what I see in photographs and mirrors. Finally, I never claimed to be stunning anyway.

Someone mentioned something about features. That could be it. However, I'm far from sharp featured and I can't really pick on any specific features, but there could be something I'm unaware of.

Thanks again, everyone.

HugoDrax

Perhaps you should wear more figure jugging clothes or tops that show off a bit of cleavage? Get your hair done and get advice in a beauty parlor about how to the best use of your looks.

Also change your mindset - if you want men in your life then start visualizing the attractive men you see being in your life. When you feel turned on don't be ashamed to feel turned on and to go with it.

Become more brazen socially - enjoy talking to people and having fun and be more open to men when they try to chat you up. Just because a guy chats you up does not mean you have to accept a drink from him, dance with him or kiss him and just because you have a drink, dance or kiss a guy does not mean you have to have sex with him either. If you have sex with a guy it does not mean you have go out with him or marry him either.

You are a virgin so do you want to lose your virginity with a guy who picks you up or do you want to wait for a man to sweep you off your feet like in one of those romantic novels or movies?

You have to work that out for yourself.

Try to figure out what you want in men and stick to that and do what you feel comfortable with.

LegacyUser

You see, that's the thing. Men don't try to chat me up. It's not that I'm dismissive of those who do. It's that it just doesn't happen.

I'm not unstyled/unstylish and I do look after myself. I'm not uptight either.

I'm not one for creative visualisation and the like - I'm very much a woman of science. However, I'm not negative and I like my mindset the way it is.

The most likely thing so far has been body language. I'll work on that.

However, any new suggestions are welcome. Thanks all!

tinkerbell

What makes you think that a guy should bother to approach you, when you won't approach a guy? It's a complete double-standard. Maybe if you were open to doing some of the running yourself, you wouldn't have this problem. Take proper action, i.e. do some approaching yourself. If you don't want to do that, then what can you expect?

LegacyUser

Hello and thank you for replying.

In my second and third posts in this thread, I explain that I'm not actually looking for anything and that's why I don't approach men. It's not that I think it's the man's job. It's also not that I think a man 'should' approach me.

I'm more curious than directly affected by this.

I know many women (and men) who aren't looking and who get approached regularly.

cantdecide

One way of interpreting your question is 'I couldn't care less about meeting someone but I think men should try to woo me anyway'. Thats not on, IMO. If you're definitely smiley, attractive, engaging etc etc and they still don't approach, it's almost definitely body language.

Having said that, your choice of location might be a problem too. If you're the only one in the bar without a belt for a skirt, and plastered, maybe with an air of intelligence about you, well you might be coming across as too much of a challenge to the bar's usual clientele.

IMO, you should put it to the back of your mind. If you're not looking for someone, you're probably better off at the moment.

LegacyUser

cantdecide wrote: »

One way of interpreting your question is 'I couldn't care less about meeting someone but I think men should try to woo me anyway'. Thats not on, IMO. If you're definitely smiley, attractive, engaging etc etc and they still don't approach, it's almost definitely body language.

Thanks again. I think you may be right on the body language, and I probably don't come across as easy.

However, it's not that I think they should try to woo me. It's that I see attempted wooing of everyone else at one point or another, and I'm curious as to why it's never me. Rare I could cope with/understand.

Again, it's not that I feel "entitled" to being approached. Just factually speaking, it happens to others and not me and I'd like to know why so I can rectify it for the future.

tinkerbell

I think the problem here is that you are not interested in being approached ... and you are quite possibly giving off that vibe. If a guy gets some sort of feeling that you wouldn't be interested, he's not gonna bother wasting his time.

So it's probably body language / the vibe you are letting off, etc. And you can definitely tell from vibes when someone wants you to approach them or doesn't.