did i di the right thing?

spongelob

Hi everyone,

I really need help here, I'am currently in my first serious relationship (8 months) everything was going great for a few months untill i started noticing his ex of 2 years was still in contact with him, the first thing I did was asked him about it and he told me that she was only texting him because she was feeling low but he really didnt want anything to do with her and that he'd never be in contact with her again but i had made it clear to him i didnt mind if they were friends but he insisted that id never hear anything about her again, time went on and i noticed they were still texting and whatever, i left it off for awhile not wanting to start a fight but after awhile it really got to me, we've had many of fights because of it but got over them but then one day i was texting him casually and i got a text from him that wasnt ment for me saying "it can be a secret relationship nobody needs to know" i rang him as soon as i got the text and he answered normally but when i asked him about the text he hung up, anyway his excuse eventually was that it was for his cousin and a big lie of a reason why, i forgave him knowing it wasnt for his cousin but not wanting to ruin the relationship, months passed after and i was chatting to his cousin and she admitted it wasnt for her he had begged her to lie, in the end it turned out it was for his ex, i never felt so hurt before and up until 10minutes befor he admitted the truth he lied to my face again and again, still i forgave him now were stil together but since the truth was told to my face i can never look at him the same, What will i do?

Sorry about the length of this,

Contessa Raven

spongelob wrote: »

still i forgave him now were stil together but since the truth was told to my face i can never look at him the same, What will i do?

Sorry about the length of this,

Dump him. You can't trust him and you can't look at him the same. The relationship is ruined.

It would be different if this happened just once and you hadn't confronted him already but because you have and he promised not to but did it again anyway, you have no reason to think he'll keep his word.

If this was me, I'd be long gone.

Sorry. I know it isn't what you want to hear.

spongelob

Thanks,

I no its what i should do and should have done a long time ago but everytime i try it just doesnt happen and the fact that were going on holidays in 2 weeks time doesnt help the matter at all, is there anyway of saving the relationship? He has got a new number already but they still ended up texting and its not even friendly texting its flirting, one text i seen that he sent her said that he was going for a drive with the boys (he was really calling to my house) and that he always has free time now and he'd text her when he was finished and all of the texts he sends his calling her babe and all cheesy names, i really dunno what to do!

IrishEyes19

Contessa Raven wrote: »

Dump him. You can't trust him and you can't look at him the same. The relationship is ruined.

It would be different if this happened just once and you hadn't confronted him already but because you have and he promised not to but did it again anyway, you have no reason to think he'll keep his word.

If this was me, I'd be long gone.

Sorry. I know it isn't what you want to hear.

totally agree with this, OP, I hate to say it, but theres something going on he doesnt want to you know. You deserve a proper relationship thats honest and to be honest, OP, he's going to tell you time and again that he loves you, that theres nothing going on and that he's not in contact with her, but as you can see he even got his family members to lie to you. Dont be fooled by him. best of luck:)

Lady von Purple

I actually think the first thing you should do is confront him properly. Up until now, OP, you say you've been letting things slide and going along with lies that you know aren't true. I'm guessing your previous confrontation didn't help much? I think you need to all-out tell him you've seen these texts, you know the story was a lie, you don't like him calling his ex pet names et cetera. It would probably be better for the both of you if you split up because he's not treating you right. But just maybe you should honestly confront him, and tell him that the way this conversation goes is the deciding factor in whether you give him another chance or not. Whatever you decide, good luck.

prinz

Advice: Leave now. You are in your first serious relationship. It shouldn't be this much hard work and drama (first relationship or not). This nonsense if you let it continue could impact negatively on future relationships which would be a disaster. Walk.

sbsquarepants

Hi OP, you need to stop letting this guy (and people in general) treat you like shít. You need to value yourself and stand up for yourself, in the immortal words of the beautiful Cheryl Cole "you're worth it":D
Seriously though, you do need to be more assertive - you've known a few times you were being played for a fool and yet you still went along with it for whatever reason. Why? You need to dump this liar as a matter of urgency. You'll never feel good about yourself while you allow someone to treat you like this.
It's a vicious cirlce, the more you put up with it the more it will happen, then the more you will believe you deserve it - and to be honest after a certain point you will deserve it. You owe yourself a duty of care, you are important - you must believe that and act accordingly. Tell yourself, and him, that you are too good for this shít and make sure everyone believes that by the way you act.
You are too good for this shít - but you need to stake that claim or parasites like your "boyfriend" will take it from you. Stand up and be counted, i guarantee you'll be much better off in the long run!
Good luck

OP, usually when someone posts a relationship issue I try not to say "dump him". I know your relationship means a lot to you and you're looking for other options than leaving. But here, there is no other alternative. Dump him. He'll probably make it difficult for you, beg you to wait and see he can change, or get defensive and make out like you're crazy. Stand you ground. Leave. It will be difficult but you have to cut him out. He's cheating on you. From the sounds of it he's told his ex that you two aren't together anymore, and with the secret relationship thing, he was probably telling her then that you two were having trouble, that you meant nothing to him. I'm not trying to upset you, but just realise that this guy has had no respect for you, has belittled you relationship to his ex to get with her, is probably now pretending you've broken up, and probably has all his friends playing along with it. It's wrong, and it's up to you to stop it. Leave.

ElleEm

Spongelob, I really feel for you.

This guy is not worth it. He lies to you, gets others involved in his lies and you're only with him EIGHT months. Your relationship, by your own admission, is not and will never be the same again. How can you go on a holiday with him if you don't trust him, and can't look at him the same? Will you feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as him, being intimate with him, when you feel he may have been cheating on you? How will you react when he gets a text?

This isn't the way relationships are. And I fear that if you stay with him, and let him away with treating you like sh!t, this is how you will react in future relationships.

Stand up for yourself. Think "do I deserve to be treated this badly?". Think "do I deserve to be treated with respect?".

Leave him. You WILL find someone who is right for you.

Firetrap

The only sensible thing to do here is to dump this guy. He is blatantly cheating on you with his ex and worse still, got his cousin in on the act. All he is doing is making an eejit out of you and you are letting him away with it.

LittleBook

true-or-false wrote: »

OP, usually when someone posts a relationship issue I try not to say "dump him".

I'm the same but honestly in this case leaving is the only option, unless you want to be treated like dirt for a little bit longer?

Because if you do nothing, YOU will most likely find yourself dumped in a couple of weeks/months, once he's gotten the assurances he needs from his ex that they'll get back together.

He's probably going through the motions at the moment because of the holiday, I'd bet good money that once it's over, you're history.

Forget about the holiday, break up with him and remember ... YOU didn't ruin the relationship, HE did.

Better luck next time OP.

spongelob

Thanks everyone for all of the advice really appreciate it and I know what ye are all saying is right but I can't find it in me to leave him I think iv gotten to attached and I feel that if I do finish it i will dwell on it way too much and upset myself even more. I have no proof that he has actually cheated on me so I can't say anything to him about cheat in. If I try leave he will say I'm over reacting about something so stupid in his opinion and he will tell me again that he wasn't thinkin when he did it. To make this situation worse my parents think his gods gift that his lovely so I don't want to finish it because il be upset by doin that and then more upset because everyone will think I was being bad because they all think his lovely. It's a really bad situation I'm in:(

seenitall

Hi OP,

you're in a bad pickle alright. I completely get why you won't break up with the plonker, him being your 1st relationship and all. Many of us have been there and can empathise.

However, I am with LittleBook on this; more likely than not you're on the train to Dumpsville anyway. The quicker it happens, the better for you, too. Many people need to learn to mind themselves the hard way, and you are one of them.

Be more careful who you invest in emotionally in the future, won't you?

Take care.

LittleBook

spongelob wrote: »

It's a really bad situation I'm in:(

I don't know if I agree with you here. To me a really bad situation is one where it's impossible to be sure if you're doing the right thing or not. "Black & White" situations such as the one you're in are so much simpler, even if you can't see it yourself.

Let's recap, in your own words:

spongelob wrote: »

he insisted that id never hear anything about her again, time went on and i noticed they were still texting

spongelob wrote: »

i got a text from him that wasnt ment for me saying "it can be a secret relationship nobody needs to know" i rang him as soon as i got the text and he answered normally but when i asked him about the text he hung up, anyway his excuse eventually was that it was for his cousin and a big lie of a reason why

spongelob wrote: »

i was chatting to his cousin and she admitted it wasnt for her he had begged her to lie, in the end it turned out it was for his ex,

spongelob wrote: »

up until 10minutes befor he admitted the truth he lied to my face again and again

spongelob wrote: »

He has got a new number already but they still ended up texting and its not even friendly texting its flirting

spongelob wrote: »

one text i seen that he sent her said that he was going for a drive with the boys (he was really calling to my house) and that he always has free time now and he'd text her when he was finished

spongelob wrote: »

all of the texts he sends his calling her babe and all cheesy names

Read back over all you've written. OK, you may not have hard evidence that he's actually cheating, but aren't the lying and flirting and generally making a fool of you enough reasons to break up with him?

spongelob wrote: »

If I try leave he will say I'm over reacting about something so stupid in his opinion and he will tell me again that he wasn't thinkin when he did it.

Wasn't thinking when he did what? Sent the "secret" text? Asked his cousin to lie? When he's flirting with his ex? When he calls her "babe"???

He is slowly but surely chipping away at your self-confidence and self-esteem to the point that when you break up (maybe even when HE breaks up with YOU) you will be made to feel that it is your fault.

Trust us, it is not your fault, his behaviour is not acceptable ... and that's just the behaviour you KNOW about. I shudder to think what else could be going on that you haven't actually found out about yet.

spongelob wrote: »

To make this situation worse my parents think his gods gift that his lovely so I don't want to finish it because il be upset by doin that and then more upset because everyone will think I was being bad because they all think his lovely.

I wonder would your parents thing he's "god's gift" if they knew what we know?

Firetrap

The scary thing about this is that even though it is plain as the nose on your face that he is cheating, you're prepared to ignore it. I bet even if you walked in on him and his bit on the side and caught them in action, you'd still not be able to dump him. Your head knows he's up to no good but your heart is coming up with all sorts of excuses. You're clinging onto this relationship like a limpet and are doing yourself no good. Please find the guts to end it. It is not going to end well no matter how it spins out.

prinz

prinz wrote: »

This nonsense if you let it continue could impact negatively on future relationships which would be a disaster. Walk.

spongelob wrote: »

Thanks everyone for all of the advice really appreciate it and I know what ye are all saying is right but I can't find it in me to leave him I think iv gotten to attached and I feel that if I do finish it i will dwell on it way too much and upset myself even more.

Oh lordy, appears the advice comes too late, you're already in a twilight zone of grasping for any excuse to continue the charade. Not healthy.

There is no future in your relationship as it exists, so either way you are going to have to "dwell" on it sometime.