Housemate/friend's boyfriend seen with another women and only I know.

Eve_Dublin

I'm not going to go unregistered for this so I can get this up faster. I'm going a little bit crazy here.I post enough information about myself on Boards and I dont live in the country anyway.I'd really appreciate any advice here.

I've been living with a woman (she's almost 40) since last September and have been her friend since I got here over a year and a half ago. We don't get along very well as housemates but were good friends and I love her to pieces. She has been going out with a guy about the same amount of time I've known her and is crazy about him. She wants to marry him and have kids and is feeling the pressure to do that because of the age but the problem is they fight a lot. Massive rows.As far as I know, they're mainly over his flirting and her lack of trust. Apparently he's flirted with girls right in front of her and she finds it difficult to forgive and forget. She gets very upset over this and I'm usually the one whose there for her as she hasn't made many friends in the country at all...she spend all her free time with him. I'd say they have a row like this about once a month.

This guy is a flirt...and unbelievable flirt and when I got here to Spain first myself, he tried to kiss me one night but nothing happened as he's not my type. I think this might have been the same week they met and I don't know if there's any cross over there or what. Anyway, she doesn't know about this and as nothing really happened, I don't plan on telling her. Problem is, when I see him and she's not there, I think he's quite flirty. She went home for two months to work on a film and we bumped into each other a few times in a bar the ex pats go to here...he drinks a fair bit and he had his hand on the small of my back a few times. Not a big deal but I felt he crossed the boundaries of being friendly just a bit too much. You know when you get that vibe and you feel uncomfortable but your not exactly sure why? Anyway, ignored that and put it at the back of my head. I've seen him interact with other women and the man is a definite flirt but I always but it down to his personality and thought as long as he doesn't act on it, there's no problem.

...until last night. I was out with a Spanish guy who I've started spending a little bit of time with and we got onto the topic of my housemate and her boyfriend. He knows the boyfriend...they're not best mates but they hang out with mutual friends sometimes. He told me last night that he thought they'd broken up because he saw the boyfriend (Robert) with his arms around a Spanish girl outside a pub he goes to regularly like they were about to kiss or had already been kissing. This apparently went on in early January when my housemate (Sofia) had been away. The Spanish guy (Paco)told me not to say anything and if I do say anything, not to say it was him who told me.

I know if I tell Sofia anything it will destroy her. She will be devastated. She had her whole future mapped out with him and was talking about marriage in the next year and sometimes gets really panicky because of her age.

She's told me in the past she has real reasons to be suspicious of him but I always defended him because I want to see her happy and maybe the guy has changed...innocent until proven guilty etc. and they are good together generally I think.

But now I know this piece of info and i don't know what to do with it.

Another thing...I mentioned here on Boards on another forum that when I met Robert first, he told me about the fact that he was bi-sexual and was very open about it. On his Facebook info he had interested in men and women...but I strongly suspect he hasn't told Sofia. Sofia is quite traditional and is a practising Greek Orthodox and even visits her priest here on ocassion...last week she told me they discussed the idea of living together with her boyfriend before marriage (they sleep together though). I think it's something she'd probably have an issue with...he mentions his flirting with women but never mentions men and never mentioned to me that he's bi (she tells me most things about their relationship). He's also changed his Facebook info just to women. Not really relevant but he's keeping stuff from her obviously. Stuff I know and she doesn't and I don't know what to do. This information would DEVASTATE her and I know it sounds selfish, but I'll be the one picking up the pieces (we live together and I'm essentially her only friend in the country) but I have to do what's right...but I'm not sure what that is.

I've got a bit of a hangover today so sorry about the quality of the explanation. I just wanted to get this down asap. What the hell should I do? Either way this is going to be disasterous. What would you do?

Ickle Magoo

To be honest, I'd stay well out of it.

The woman is nearly 40, is clearly not in a healthy, happy relationship and she's well aware of that and yet is doing nothing about it bar regularly fighting with a guy she won't ditch because she hears her biological clock ticking...I don't think second hand info about the boyfriend looking like he might have or might have been going to kiss someone will do much to convince her of anything bar make your life more difficult/awkward.

If it was your life-long best friend/sister who was half her age and completely blind to any relationship issues then I might say something but in the situation you describe, I wouldn't do anything bar perhaps find another house-mate with less dramas.

All the best

Eve_Dublin

sunflower27 wrote: »

Did she not see that his status had 'bisexual'?

This situation I'm not sure about. AFAIK, she doesn't know. I'm not sure when that piece of info was changed to be honest...all I know it has changed and she hasn't mentioned anything about his bisexuality to me.

metrovelvet

People often see what they want to see. His nature has been open to her right in front of her eyes. If she is that desperate than you telling her could lead to her confronting him, him convincing her she is wrong, him spinning tales to discredit you and her getting angry with you. That is how I see it playing out if you tell her anything.

At the same time, she needs to be told.

So the optimal solution is for her to find out but not by you being the one to tell her, but some other 'creative' way.

Eve_Dublin

metrovelvet wrote: »

People often see what they want to see. His nature has been open to her right in front of her eyes. If she is that desperate than you telling her could lead to her confronting him, him convincing her she is wrong, him spinning tales to discredit you and her getting angry with you. That is how I see it playing out if you tell her anything.

At the same time, she needs to be told.

So the optimal solution is for her to find out but not by you being the one to tell her, but some other 'creative' way.

This is what I predict might happen alright. He's friends with a large group of ex pats here who I know on a casual basis and they all hang out in a place I go to from time to time if i want to speak English...they don't like Sofia and a few of them have said stuff to me directly about how they feel about her (they've accused her of being controlling and no fun...I've always defended her. I could see things going very nasty for both of us and I just don't want that kind of drama in my life. The expat scene here is pretty incestual...I generally try to keep out of it but I also don't want to make a whole bunch of enemies here either.

However, I care about her and want to do what's right. I feel more loyalty to her than any one them. I asked the Spanish guy if he was sure of what he saw and he even gave me a demonstration of what he saw....there's only one thing that could have been going on between them.

If I did decide to tell her, would it be a crazy idea to send her an anonymous message or something along those lines?

To be honest, I'm a little annoyed with her that she's got herself mixed up with a guy like this. She should know better. I've been her shoulder to cry on since I met her and her moods are up and down constantly. I can't move out as my contract is for one year and I'll lose my deposit. I already looked into that.

seenitall

Normally, I would, always, always be in the "tell her" camp, because, just like sunflower, I know that I would always want to be told something like this about my boyfriend. But the thing is, whatever else my issues, I tend not to have delusion problems these days. I'm one of those people who CAN handle the truth (thanks all the same, Mr. Nicholson ).

Sofia sounds like a deluded mess, frankly, and as I often say on here, I tend not to be especially sympathetic when it comes to people like that. They choose their own path, and they are usually extremely stubborn, with a laser-like focus on their own obssessive goal in life. This kind of person won't heed any warnings, and even when they do try to, and do make a bit of noise, it will usually just serve to justify to themselves remaining in the exact same position their little agenda has been dictating all along. Which you seem to be already anticipating happening with Sofia.

I'm all for loyalty, Eve, but not so much toward people who don't deserve it.

Anyway, it's a tough situation for you; whatever you decide, good luck with it.

carolmon

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

If I did decide to tell her, would it be a crazy idea to send her an anonymous message or something along those lines?

Are you sure you're not using this post as a kind of "anonymous" message?

There seems to be a lot of unneccessary identifying information in your posts including names/ nationalities...........

I'd either tell her up front or say nothing including not posting all her info on boards, don't think it's fair for her private life to be on here without her permission TBH

shellyboo

It's only hearsay. Say nothing until such times as you see him cheating in front of your own eyes.

As for the bi thing, that's none of your business really. It's up to him to tell her if/when he wants to.

Neyite

If she is panicking and feeling the pressure of being 40 and wanting marriage and babies, then I would be inclined to suggest that even if he was humping her sister practically in front of her, she would find some way to blame everybody else but him.

Since you didnt see it, she will easily dismiss what you say as second hand gossip and be angry with you. She will also probably tell him and you might end up getting frozen out of a group - and if you are living abroad, that could be quite isolating for you.

I have blew the whistle on cheaters twice in my life. Both times it was the messenger that got shot, not the cheater. I would not tell her if I were you.

LegacyUser

OP, I agree with the poster above who advised against telling him about the (possible) kiss, because you did not see it.

On the whole, I agree with those who say stay out of it as she will not thank you for your efforts.

However, if you feel you must say something, you could say to Sofia, "So, does it bother you at all that he's bi?", as this is something that Robert himself told you. If she doesn't know, or believe you, she can ask him herself.

Eve_Dublin

carolmon wrote: »

Are you sure you're not using this post as a kind of "anonymous" message?

There seems to be a lot of unneccessary identifying information in your posts including names/ nationalities...........

I'd either tell her up front or say nothing including not posting all her info on boards, don't think it's fair for her private life to be on here without her permission TBH

I don't live in Ireland and none of these people are Irish...and I'm guessing none of them use Boards.ie. I used the names to make it handier to refer to them. I'm a litte more discreet than that!

Spoke to Sofia this morning and couldn't continue with the conversation...made up an excuse and went for a walk. I couldn't look her in eye after what I was told. However, as thers pointed out, it's hearsay. I didn't see it with my own eyes. The thing is, if it is true, I'm not at all surprised. I remember when I met him his friends introduced him as a player and I was to keep away from him and I remember him laughing and agreeing. That's the rep he has around here.

Just to add, the bi-sexuality is not the issue here at all. I never planned on telling her about that but I'm not impressed he hasn't told her yet and I'm almost sure she doesn't know. Icing on the cake, I suppose.

She is my friend is she is very decent person who I care about...traditional and a little bit delusional but she's been the voice of reason for me when i had my own shiite going on and I'd hate to see her waste these years with someone who can't be trusted. She doesn't have time to waste if she wants those things. I suppose it's her life in the end.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Kevin Duffy

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

If I did decide to tell her, would it be a crazy idea to send her an anonymous message or something along those lines?.

Yes, it would be a crazy idea. She may guess it's you, so might he when he finds out, he will try to talk his way out of it and likely drip some poison about you in the process, making their relationship worse and your relationship with her one with less trust.

I'd stay out of it, she knows what he's like and has stuck with her choice. She's an adult, she can make her own mistakes. If you're a friend, she'll need you when the wheels come come off and not reduced to being a housemate she shot as a messenger. It's pretty frequent that the person who tells you what you were the last to know becomes the immediate target for your anger.

If you decide to tell her, a more honest, open approach would be better IMO. It'll alow her to process it better, not add further suspicion and paranoia to the situation. You'd also have to accept that it's quite likely you'd be sacrificing your friendship with her by delivering the message.

Chinafoot

shellyboo wrote: »

It's only hearsay. Say nothing until such times as you see him cheating in front of your own eyes.

This.

You don't "know" anything really. The bloke you're seeing saw him with his arms around another woman. He didn't see them kissing. It could have been totally harmless so there really isn't anything to tell.

If you had seen him kissing someone else with your own eyes then I would probably agree that you should tell her, but you didn't see anything.

Stay out of it.

JajaD

Write her an anonymous letter.. that way he cant turn around to her and say that u fancy him or something crazy, and no names will be dragges into it and no friendships are lost. Make the letter very convincing..exact time date and which pub. Leave it up to her then.

LegacyUser

OP, there are none so blind as those who WILL NOT see.

A few things. Sofia is a grown woman. She argues with Rico Suave every month for flirting with girls IN FRONT of her. That is a pretty big red-flag there. Any person with a brain would notice this and realise if this is what he does in front of me, then what does he do behind my back. Plus any woman of 40 knows a player from a potential husband.

Sofia is choosing to delude herself. It's not your problem. She is very busy building her Castles on sand. There is NOTHING you can do for her. She is choosing this quite deliberately. She is desperate.

I am also worried to see that YOU have now become her main support system. You can't enable her apparent helplessness. I notice you said you'll have to pick up the pieces when it all goes tits-up. Well, you will if you volunteer for the job. And all she will do is use up your goodwill, dust herself off and go running back to Rico.

Say nothing. Let her get on with it. Whatever you tell her she will just rationalise and forgive and you'll be cast as the villian.

Cheap Thrills!

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

This is what I predict might happen alright. He's friends with a large group of ex pats here who I know on a casual basis and they all hang out in a place I go to from time to time if i want to speak English...they don't like Sofia and a few of them have said stuff to me directly about how they feel about her (they've accused her of being controlling and no fun...I've always defended her. I could see things going very nasty for both of us and I just don't want that kind of drama in my life. The expat scene here is pretty incestual...I generally try to keep out of it but I also don't want to make a whole bunch of enemies here either.

Tbh, I can see their point. She sounds hard work. A lot of people don't like her and you are her only friend? Alarm bells OP.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

To be honest, I'm a little annoyed with her that she's got herself mixed up with a guy like this. She should know better. I've been her shoulder to cry on since I met her and her moods are up and down constantly. I can't move out as my contract is for one year and I'll lose my deposit. I already looked into that.

You see though OP, if you've only known her a year, this could be her actual typical behaviour. She sounds a bit of a disaster. Like Seenitall says though she's a woman on a mission. I don't think disclosing any of the stuff you've said will change her mind a jot.

It's not that she doesn't have the information.....she can see with her own eyes what he is. But she is adament that she is going to fit that square peg into that round hole !! I would be very reluctant to get sucked into this drama if I were you.

I take it (from the religion and name) that Sofia is greek. I've lived in Greece a while and bisexuality is not considered any big deal whatsoever. It's actually more common than not. I doubt she would turn a hair at that tbh.

This woman is a machine determined to steamroll this man into marriage and kids. He's no innocent bystander either. He's having his cake and eating it, but she's letting him. An outrageous flirt and a bunny boiler is a recipe for disaster. Let them at it and stay well out of the way.

You say you don't get on as flatmates? But do as friends. Could it be you feel you have to be her friend because she is under your nose and also because she has no-one else? That's her problem though, not yours.

Maple

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

If I did decide to tell her, would it be a crazy idea to send her an anonymous message or something along those lines?

Whatever you do, do not do this.

You don't know for sure, you have suspicions but it's her relationship and it's none of your business.

It sucks when you see a friend in what you think is a toxic relationship, but only the two people in that relationship truly know what's going on.

Just stay out of it, and push back on consoling her next time she's upset. Try not to be so readily available for her, it's wearing you out and it's frustrating because she's not doing anything to fix it.

Eve_Dublin

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

You say you don't get on as flatmates? But do as friends. Could it be you feel you have to be her friend because she is under your nose and also because she has no-one else? That's her problem though, not yours.

Thanks for all the advice guys. I'm saying nothing. You've probably all hit the nail on the head with regards to her personality. She's hard work for sure but we were friends before we moved in together. She asked me last year to find a place with her and I refused because part of me could foresee what might happen but something came up in my own life and I didn't have the strength to look for somewhere else. I naively thought it might work out. As a housemate she's an absolute disaster.I've had to pay her rent on occasions, I do all the cleaning and take care of bills, recycling etc.

I know I'm enabling her behaviour but I just want a quiet life and I'm the one with the better Spanish and has to deal with the landlady...Sofia tends to go into hiding around rent time sometimes or if there's an issue we need to discuss with her. I've confronted her many times about this and she's thrown major hissy fits. I find her moods very upsetting...I grew up in a home with lots of shouting and arguing that sometimes escalated into violence and I suppose it upsets me more than it should. She very volatile and every few days she'll come home an emtional wreak. Fact of the matter is I'm stuck in a year's contract (Spanish renting laws) until September so until then I do what I can to appease her just for the sake of a quiet life.

Basically I've always been supportive of her relationship because I don't want them to break up.I'll be the one picking up the pieces because I live with her. I'm not going to say anything to her about this (plus the guy who told me called me yesterday to ask me to say nothing) and hope that they don't break up while I'm living here.

Still, she is essentially a good person and I find it hard to look her in the eye knowing what probably could have gone on. I suppose I'll just have to suck it up till September.

Thanks for all your opinions and advice...yesterday I thought the best thing was to tell her but now I know better. Cheers!

Cheap Thrills!

God, I sympathise OP. It is very difficult when someone is meshed into your life like that....I had an ex boss/friend like her. Very high maintenance, all her problems became my problems. I couldn't do anything either so I know how it is when you are stuck.

Funny enough my ex-boss/friend sort of frightened off people from me as well, so I ended up being sort of isolated too. Then the friendship became more necessary, a vicious circle! Argh! Perhaps that's her plan, and as soon as she's married (if she ever is) she will probably drop you like a hot snot! :mad:

Try your best to distance yourself from her in the meantime. If she is that flaky about the rent, you would be in your rights to look for another flatmate too, dont forget that. It sounds to me that she relies on you, more than you on her.