so confused, bad idea or just scared?

garibaldi1

Hi guys, I'm new here and any help would be much appreciated.

I am 20 years old and almost a year ago now met a girl on a 'sex forum' whereby you could talk and learn about sex as well as being a place to start talking casually or naughtily to anyone on the site. I went on there purely for confidence reasons, insecure over my sexual inexperience but ended up talking to a 17 year old about general things, occassionally dirty talking (which i guess was inevitable due to the way we met) and sometimes the content of our typing over a messenger was sexual, sometimes casual. Neither of us had gone on there to meet someone but after talking for around a month, on a messenger, then texting/skyping etc. it felt like there was a 'connection.' (obviously this is quite hard to tell over an internet based interaction.)

We met up for a weekend, which was rather sexual in between getting to know each other better and just hanging out. After that weekend it was quite confusing where to take things and for the next few months the 'relationship' flitted between stages of friends/friends who experiment sexually and a feeling of actually being together...of love...there was always a feeling from my point of view at least that i wished i could be with this girl at many points over the summer. We met up in person about once a month and every time it was very intense, intimate even in the 'friends' stages but we never had sex. She lives in Wales and I go to uni in the midlands. It was the closest i'd ever felt to someone, i felt addicted to her, couldn't go a day without speaking. After missing each other so much when on a family holiday, we met up in August and despite it again being intimate, afterwards we decided this attachment either had to turn in to something or not...and went with the latter on the grounds of distance/age/her not being ready to be part of my world etc. (this may have been another point at which i just got scared.)

We drifted apart a little as 'friends' over the next month or so, but it didn't feel right as friends...and after a month or so we missed each other and fell back in to a pattern of talking everyday. This time it seemed more sexual and less of an attachment. However we met up soon after and i felt a lot closer again. As you may have guessed by now I am (as is she) sexually inexperienced, i'm a virgin with no prior relationship...only really had a 'thing' with one girl plus got with a few, but not a one night stand kind of guy - actually a romantic, which may seem quite contradictory to the way we met!

It seemed set that we were going to have sex if we met up over Christmas, we were 'going with the flow' not talking about anything afterwards, and i think we were both seeing it as a no lose thing, lose your virginity to someone special to you, who you're sexually attracted to and comfortable around. She said that she wouldn't be able to meet up over christmas due to sixth form work revision and family stuff, i felt crushed. It felt like my life was based around the next time i was going to see her...and to be honest i was looking forward to the prospect of sex with her so much by this point. In this moment of confusion i pitched the idea of a relationship despite being very unsure myself. From that point on it couldn't be casual, i noticed she had deeper feelings for me and that she liked the idea...i felt horrible that i may have just gone through with reducing 'us' to sex.

I was scared. You see we had kept each other seperate from the rest of our lives for over 7 months. Our parents knew plus a couple of mates, all of which did not know how we met. I plucked up the courage to tell a couple of my mates and parents everything. At first they seemed supportive of trying to give it a go but when i started to reveal my doubts they seemed less sure and eventually my dad associated my anxiety about the situation with her, and basically said i needed to cut her out. I pretty much let him make the decision for me, not sure of what to do at all.

I've always been very dependent, obsessive and a perfectionist. This makes me focus on holding on to the attachment to her, whilst also focusing on flaws and possible problems. I feel like i love her yet i feel like why did i reduce it to casual if i really felt like going for it, i'm scared of commitment to both the situation and her due to being so indecisive and insecure. I hate myself for some of my thoughts. Despite being sexually attracted to her in a biiig way, due to it being long distance i only have photos to refer to a lot of the time and have had these intrusive thoughts of 'could you do better?' as if even though i love her, is that why i'm attracted to her...if she was randomly walking along the street i wouldn't find her stunning. Should that even matter now!? Due to her being slightly younger i can see some differences in maturity between our humour (although that's also quite refreshing) and sometime i wish she'd be a bit more of a conversationalist...although i can babble on, plus surely we'd have more to talk about if actually a part of each others lives. I think due to my insecurity and caring so much about what others think, i'm scared to go for it 1) because i wonder what my mates would think, like younger 'school'girl, quite shy, and not overly attractive (despite me loving her to bits.) 2) opposing what my dad has advised, i've always found it hard to go against what he thinks, i was quite overprotected and restricted in my upbringing.

After consultation with my therapist i've brought up these thoughts and the fact i've suffered from anxiety...which has now moved on to clinical depression...and how it seems my worry over losing her was the main cause. She believes I should go for it and that my fear of hurting her, my worry over making a bad decision or opposing my dad is getting in the way of something. I've made it sound quite negative here in terms of her personality and looks whereas to me she is amazing, but i care about her so much that i'm worried that what if i'm 'settling' and going for her just because i've idealized the attachment, a someone, something to get me sexual and relationship experience rather than because it is 'her.' I've read things about people 'settling' and worried that what if a few months down the line i think the chemistry isn't there and go off her, and that if in real life i had another option i'd be less inclined to go for her, whereas it's all i've got and all i've ever had. That sounds so negative and i hate myself for it, she deserves better (and to move on and not be with me) if i'm thinking that...but part of me thinks that whereas most of me believes i love her and am just scared to take this opportunity. Maybe my minds dressing it up as that although it feels like - you can't write off something until you've tried right? One of us might get hurt somewhere down the line, but if you never go for it you'll never know...that's the feeling i get. But i don't want to hurt her, if it's set up for it to not work.

This is now a couple of months since i ended it (which was after a horrible month of deliberation.) Since that point i've transferred my anxiety to other decisions and parts of my life and hardly done any work. It's as if my mind prioritises the fact i have to make the right decision about her before it's too late yet i don't know what it is. I've talked to her a little since we stopped things and now a lot over the last week since i've been considering saying i want things to happen. She has been seeing a guy for a few weeks but claims there isn't much of a connection and that i'm 'special' as if he's filling the void i left. This feeling that she loves me basically makes me feel even more pressurised, what if i go for it and hurt her. I pretty much told her she's the only girl i've ever loved, i'm just not sure if i'm trying to convince myself things could work when realistically they don't click that well...or that due to my fear/insecurity of bringing her in to my real life i'm avoiding the positives of the potential commitment.

I know my insecurities come across as very shallow and i apologise for this and assure you i want to just love her for who she is. In fact i think i do. But maybe i just think i do, because it's hard to lose her.

Thanks.

Fluorescence

I'm trying to figure out what exactly your issue here is? Is it that you still have some lingering feelings for this girl and aren't quite sure what to do about it? If so, do nothing. To be honest, from what you've said in your post it seems to me like you don't reaaaaaally want to be with her, but it's convenient for you to keep crushing on her because she's "Unobtainable". You said yourself you're scared of commitment; things wouldn't work out with this girl for many reasons, and since you can't possibly commit to her it's very easy for you to fantasise about her. Wanting what you can't have and all that. And because you still feel this pull towards her you can't free yourself emotionally to commit to anyone else. Does any of this sound applicable to you? Hopefully I've given you some food for thought.


Anyway, if you could summarise what exactly it is you're looking for advice on, maybe people here could help you better. Best of luck.

garibaldi1

fluorescence wrote: »

I'm trying to figure out what exactly your issue here is? Is it that you still have some lingering feelings for this girl and aren't quite sure what to do about it? If so, do nothing. To be honest, from what you've said in your post it seems to me like you don't reaaaaaally want to be with her, but it's convenient for you to keep crushing on her because she's "Unobtainable". You said yourself you're scared of commitment; things wouldn't work out with this girl for many reasons, and since you can't possibly commit to her it's very easy for you to fantasise about her. Wanting what you can't have and all that. And because you still feel this pull towards her you can't free yourself emotionally to commit to anyone else. Does any of this sound applicable to you? Hopefully I've given you some food for thought.


Anyway, if you could summarise what exactly it is you're looking for advice on, maybe people here could help you better. Best of luck.

Hey Fluorescence, thanks for your reply.

That has given me some food for thought, yes. She is still obtainable...we've talked recently and she's up for it, it's me holding it back. But maybe there is a bit of a case of forbidden fruit due to my dad and others advising me against it. I think i really want a relationship and am trying to dress her up as the right option in my head whilst not being sure she is...but you don't know until you try? i could be throwing away a great opportunity, just because i have a few doubts, why not try is what i'm trying to embrace...but then i feel like that's wrong if i'm not certain it's the right girl. I've only seen her 5 times in person though so it feels like i have more to learn!...but maybe it's just not our time and i should try and make something happen locally.

Basically I'm asking advice on what I should actually do because despite 'ending it' before it had even started a couple of months ago...it just feels like i need her and we've started chatting again recently. Maybe i'd be like hmmm i don't know if this is right if we went in to it or maybe i'm just scared and need to take the leap. I tend to nearly go for it when people advise me too whereas i avoid people's advice against it, i guess i'm scared of losing her and don't take kindly to listening to what i don't want to hear! but maybe it's right

Fluorescence

Why not give it a go anyway? It's not like you're marrying her, it's just a date! See where it leads

garibaldi1

I guess it's just the fact it could confuse things further! like because of the distance/seperate lives we won't have too much time to meet up so it'll be a slow process of getting involved in the other's life...i'm not sure when would be the point at which we would 'know' whether to go for it or not. Maybe we should just see each other but leave it open for a while but then someone may get hurt...:/ Like when's the point at which you know if you should go for it if you only get to see each other every now and again and not on a day to day basis? i'm not sure. I'm not sure if we'd just cling on to it if it went quite well but not really sure if we should be together or not due to the little time we get to see each other and the uncertainty over whether it really 'works.'

Thanks again for your help!

Zen65

garibaldi1 wrote: »

I've read things about people 'settling' and worried that what if a few months down the line i think the chemistry isn't there and go off her, and that if in real life i had another option i'd be less inclined to go for her, whereas it's all i've got and all i've ever had.

Hi Op,

In the real world, everybody "settles". This is not normally an issue at all for adults because as adults we know there are no perfect people out there. Typically people can distort their perception of realities in such a way as to be unable to see how they are "settling". In fact "settling" is simply a way of framing the skill of compromise, and ultimately it is compromise which makes a loving relationship work in the long term.

Of course we cannot simply "settle" with anyone. There must be degrees of compatibility there to begin with. Coupled with shared experience, we can become "close" to people and share love in a satisfying way. You are not at this point. You are in the early stages of look-see and that is how it should be.

You cannot make any relationship work if you spend your time worrying about what others will think, how attractive your potential gf is, how much more attractive somebody else might be, or what you father thinks. Your father does not want to make the decisions for you, he is stepping in because it seems you are not making the decisions yourself, and you are interpreting this as him being very strong-willed and protective. The truth is that your father would be happier if you could simply accept that life is an imprecise journey with an uncertain agenda, and that at the end of the day each of us make our own happiness if external factors do not preclude it.

You have not indicated any external factors. What is limiting your actions is nothing more than a fear that this is the wrong train, possibly heading for the wrong destination. The more you think about such things ad infinitum the longer you sit in a train station that is most certainly not where you want to be, asking for directions from people who don't have the answers because there are no certain answers. There is only a chance to journey.

So, pick a train. See where it leads. Stop at stations along the way and see if you are happy, and if not, you can always try another train. Adults know this is how life works. A time will come when you get on a train and decide this is your carriage, not just for now but for all time. That relationship will be special, and you will know it with no uncertainty when it happens. Your father will be delighted watching you make this journey, and will be happy if or when you choose to settle down.

OK, that's enough metaphors. What I'm saying is this: either you give it a go with this girl or you don't. Both of you will cope if it turns out to be heading the wrong way, as long as one of you recognises it before too long. If you choose not to give it a go with this girl, there will be others. You can only live your own life and make decisions for yourself. That does not preclude kindness and consideration on your part, but trying to make decisions on everyone's behalf will leave you paralysed, and ultimately your life will pass you by. If you choose not to give it a go with this girl, just move on and meet another. That's not being cruel, it's being kind to both of you. A ship that does not leave port will never experience life on the high seas.


Be at peace,

Z

garibaldi1

Thanks very much for your reply Z

I guess recently with the whole anxiety/depression issues i've tied up a lot of my thoughts with the 'determinism' debate which has always scared me! In that when i'm feeling 'trapped' about making a decision it's as if i have to make a certain one due to my character and experiences whereas i want to find some sort of 'right' answer whereas i guess everything seems subjective and i just need to pick one. It's a feeling of it's out of my hands even though it's in them i guess.

My dad has pretty much said do what you like but going for it would be 'utterly the wrong decision' which kind of ties my hands to a large extent! It may be better to just cut my losses and leave it but the whole what if? factor really bugs me i guess. Due to the amount of time we'd actually be able to spend with each other though i wonder if it's actually a workable situation in terms of finding out if we should carry it on...or if only spending quality time together having had no prior relationship experience would make me just want to cling on to it. Surely if it wasn't working we could just stop seeing each other, maybe it should be 'open' at the beginning due to so much uncertainty but then of course someone might move on and the other gets hurt. Hard to just kind of see each other every fortnight or so not knowing whether we should be together but also writing off seeing other people though you know?

Zen65

garibaldi1 wrote: »

My dad has pretty much said do what you like but going for it would be 'utterly the wrong decision' which kind of ties my hands to a large extent!

Op,

You have misunderstood what your dad is saying.

He's not tying your hands at all, he's offering advice and he is saying he will support you whatever decision you take. It was your decision to tie your hands, not his.

This is not a debate about determinism. The future history of the earth, and your own future history are not being put on trial here. This is a leaf blowing in the wind and you are worrying about trees.

Breathe!

Untie your hands, and make whatever choice you wish.


Be at peace,

Z

Sonics2k

Ah stop over-thinking things OP.

You both are clearly attracted to eachother, so go on a few proper dates and see what actually happens. You're 20 years old after all, go have some fun!

garibaldi1

Thanks for both your replies

I guess the determinism thing is just my overall unsolvable worry! I am definitely an over-thinker! But it shouldn't matter if things are determined or not, i need to just go and enjoy it i know...i guess i just look back at things and see why i've made certain decisions and am trying to work out if i'm prone to them again due to my character/past.

So even with all the distance/other doubts you think i should just go on a few dates with her Sonic but in that time we shouldn't be tied down to one another?...and then if after a while it seems like something worth pursuing for longer...go for it

Sonics2k

garibaldi1 wrote: »

So even with all the distance/other doubts you think i should just go on a few dates with her Sonic but in that time we shouldn't be tied down to one another?...and then if after a while it seems like something worth pursuing for longer...go for it

I'm personally sceptical of long distance relationships, but I have many many friends who have been in the them for a long time (one of them recently got engaged, and we're off to Canada next Autumn for the Wedding).

But I am a firm believer in trying to make relationships work, if you give up because of doubts (that everyone gets) you never know what you miss out on in life.
Go out with her, if you two become serious and it works out, then fantastic. If it doesn't work, then at least you had fun and actually tried. Which is better than reflecting on what could have happened 5 years down the line.

Contrary to what people seem to be advising, I'd recommend you cut off contact with her. For her sake.

I obviously can't judge what she's like from a post on the internet not even written by her, but going on the facts of age and gender, and the fact she's stuck around for so long, it's highly likely that all this messing her around is torturing her. One day you want, her, the next day you don't. You break it off and then when she finds someone else and tries to be happy with them, all of a sudden you think you might be interested again. You're not committing to her but you're not letting her go. You'll eventually ruin the relationship she has with this new guy, and then once she's yours you probably wont want her anymore. Is this really fair on her?

Plus I hate to say it but if you do have anxiety/depression you probably shouldn't be entering into a relationship with an inexperienced and younger person. You should probably focus on becoming more emotionally stable before you enter into a committed relationship. I know it sounds harsh, but emotionally you don't really seem able for the ups and downs of a relationship. Even the prospect of there being a relationship there has already caused the both of you a lot of stress and insecurity, and has probably been a huge mental strain. You've used labels like depression and anxiety and mentioned therapists and parents, but no matter what strains are on you, at some point you have to take responsibility for this.

If you're in, you're in, if you're out, you're out, but don't mess this poor girl around anymore. Best of luck.

garibaldi1

Thanks very much for your reply true-or-false. It's probably not what I want to hear but I agree with a lot of the things you've said. Despite not committing I'm still hanging on. Honestly when i cut it off before it didn't seem quite right but i just couldn't commit so needed to make a decision. I talked with her again, not knowing if she was seeing anyone or not, thinking i need to tell her how i feel. I've done that now and she knows full well how indecisive I am, but If I do end up going for it, I'll make sure it's for the right reasons. Otherwise I'll pull out and let her be happy, however I didn't claim she's moved on and could be happy with this new guy, it was her that brought up the fact she's tried seeing a couple and it's not been the same. I completely agree that I need to decide in or out and commit to it though. It's hard to tell whether I'm in love with being in love because I might lose her or genuinely need to just make the ballsy decision and give it a try. Maybe the 'ballsy' decision doesn't have to be made but it feels like we'll both regret it if we don't at least give something a go that never had the chance to get off the ground (due to me.) Maybe I should be more crazy about her by now if she was the right option though and I wanted a relationship, it's very hard to tell. What you said about going for it and then if I ended up not liking her is exactly what I'm worried about.