lonely in a relationship

LegacyUser

Hi guys , need some advice please !
Just a bit of background first to help this all make sense !

Living with Fiance now for 7 years , we have 2 kids , had a lot of ups and downs , split up twice and got back together . He is great father , works hard , our sex life was never amazing , but never anything for me to worry about....... But I think I have been putting things off and not facing reality .

We have not slept together now for maybe over a month ,and when we do it's probably every 2 months and that's with me asking him ! it does not seem to bother him at all , I feel I need to bring it up when it goes so long between us , he never brings it up , he seems quite happy to live together and raise the kids and do family stuff but when it comes to me I don't think he is bothered. This has me feeling miserable and confused .

I have asked him could we talk about this on numerous occasions and he says he's tired etc which he is as he falls asleep most nights while we watch telly , which results in him sleeping downstairs most nights , (which is also a problem ), he will wake up about 3 or 4 am and get into bed (his own side of the bed and go back to sleep ,it's like I'm not even there) ,I don't think he would notice if I was asleep on the floor ! But this is really starting to hurt , I am a goodlooking girl so people say , I have asked him if he is attracted to me , telling him if he is not I cannot make him be but he insists he is , but seems dis interested in me which leaves me very confused .

I have even found myself envying other couples lately who are kissing and cuddling etc ,
wishing I could be treated like this and what did I do wrong , I'm thinking lately I'm too young to live like this and maybe it's time to think about splitting and finding someone who will make me feel like I exist .

I find myself alone most nights as he is always asleep , I never thought you could be lonely in a relationship but that is what I am , I just don't know what to do anymore , I feel like my life is passing me by , I am 31 , so is he .

Any thoughts anyone ?

LegacyUser

Hi Sunflower , thanks for your reply
I suggested couple counselling a couple of years ago , to which he agreed , so when I went and made the appointment , just as I thought we were ready to walk out the door for app, he tells me there is no way he is going .No way he is talking to a stranger! Prior to this he had promised me that we would go , then this !
I'm just lost at the mo in this relationship , It seems I have to Instigate everything , sex , conversation , It's getting very draining .

Permabear

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miec

I find myself alone most nights as he is always asleep , I never thought you could be lonely in a relationship but that is what I am , I just don't know what to do anymore , I feel like my life is passing me by , I am 31 , so is he .

Any thoughts anyone ?

Hi Op

I am extremely sorry for your situation, like you I was lonely in a relationship and my relationship with my ex was pretty similar to yours. He had little appetite for intimacy and sex, we went to bed at different times, he was always tired, I know it was down to depression in his case but it is very painful to be in a relationship where there is little or no initimacy or conversation, I never knew what to say to my ex, and I knew if we had got married (we were engaged) it would have got worse. I did try talking to him, again and again, but he got angry and defensive, I tried sleeping in seperate beds, being patient, being understanding and all the time I inwardly raged and cried, I felt ugly and sexless, and yes like you I envied other couples. I also used to blame myself. I did ask my ex to go to counselling many times but he refused, in the end I had no choice but to break up with him last year. I still have low confidence from that experience but at least now I know I am single and have the chance of meeting someone who wants intimacy etc, and I also know now that it was not down to me, it had nothing to do with my attractiveness, my ex had a hang up about sex, coupled with depression and tiredness, they were issues he brought into the relationship, so there was nothing I could do. I don't know what to advise you but if your fiancee is unwilling to genuinely change things, maybe leaving is your only option.

krd

gingercake wrote: »

I'm just lost at the mo in this relationship , It seems I have to Instigate everything , sex , conversation , It's getting very draining .

Was he always like that?

The conversation thing would bug me. Would drive me nuts. It would drain the life out of me. I love talking.

Watching television in silence every night, would be another killer - most of it is only worth watching if you have a running commentary. Television is actually a real bad habit.