My husband has lost interest..

stick girl

my husband actually said or really i should say finally admitted to me that he finds sex boring and pointless. stunned i was. now we've had a problem for years with him being ''not interested''. I'm really trying hard not to internalize this. by that i mean falling into the trap of feeling like it's me who's unattractive or not trying or whatever. I do try to make things interesting and different and i do show him that i'm interested. but if i push too hard he runs away, if i don't say anything...nothing ever happens. we've been married for 12 years and honestly i'm at my wits end. I love him dearly, and we are the best of friends, AND my parents are divorced (Mum a couple of times) and on our wedding day i made, well the obvious vows, but a vow that i don't ever want to be divorced. I'm 42 and so sad. I'm at my sexual prime right? what do i do? I'm not some kind of sex crazed girl, just a girl that likes sex.

Count Duckula

If his libido has suddenly dropped, you may need to look at other factors. Is he perhaps having an affair? Less horribly, has he started taking any medication that might affect it? Is he becoming more apathetic about life in general? He's right at the age now to have a mid-life crisis, and he could be suffering from mild depression if he's just suddenly "switched off".

All in all, you need to talk this through with him. You have needs that aren't being met, and if he wants to be with you then he needs to understand that a compromise must be reached.

Distorted

There was a similar thread on here just a few days ago. Perhaps some of the advice on there might be useful to you. You should be able to find it by looking through the thread title. Many posters recommended that the disinterested party get counselling and medical treatment for the lack of libido as it might be a hormone or medical problem and that sex should be scheduled a minimum of 3 times a week, no matter whether the disintersted party felt like it or not.

Others were more of the opinion that it might be a phase they were going through or that libido wanes with time and familiarity and the couple have to work at coming to a mutually acceptable solution to differing libidos as sometimes parties in a relationship develop other interests and don't want to devote so much time to sex.

Some posters concluded that the party not getting as much sex as they wished would almost certainly be forced to cheat, but I don't think this was a universally popular viewpoint.

magneticimpulse

If has always been like this, maybe he is just asexual and doesnt find the need for sex in his life.

Ickle Magoo

Distorted infracted. If you can offer no constructive advice beyond using other peoples threads as a vehicle for making petty digs at other posters, you will lose posting rights to this forum.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP, without referencing other threads, posters or forums.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

Permabear

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Canluum

I might be going against what are majority social norms (for the time being at least) but if he's not willing to at least make attempts to satisfy you sexually then he really has no right to forbid you sexual interaction. It's a pretty fundamental human need...
I would strongly suggest you discuss with him the potential of opening up the physical side of your relationship.

Have peek at some of the literature (on amazon for instance)

(for mod: links are to wiki entries, not amazon)

Sex at Dawn... an extremely well received book recommended by Dan Savage that goes into the primal origins of human sexuality. It suggests strongly that monogamy is very much a social construct rather than a natural one. That it arose from agriculture as women, like land and livestock became property to be withheld.

Opening up... guidebook to starting and maintaining an open relationship.

The Ethical Slut... similar to the above. Discusses consensual non-monogamy as a lifestyle. They begin by attempting to destigmatise the word slut and reclaim it as something pure and positive.

StillWaters

Ouch OP,that must have hurt terribly.

If this has been going on for years, it is either much mismatched drives, or hormonal problems. Do you know if he is interersted in sex, does he masturbate or watch porn?

I think your partner needs to visit his GP in the first instance to find out if there is any physical problem.

stick girl

Wow, i am touched by the responses. thanks for all the advice. ok firstly, I have mentioned counseling, and jez we could sure use it, but are rather skint at the moment. if that weren't an issue he might go. might. there are factors weighing in, like he isn't working and hasn't for some time. i do understand how emasculating that can be. at the moment i'm the bread winner. my husband is 10 years older than me and has been of the mindset that, you know, it's a mans job to take care of the family. i say family but we don't have any children. anyhow you can see where i'm going, and how that can play a part. I understand, but feel frustrated that i have to just deny myself and accept my reality as it is. I don't think he's having an affair. I do think he's one of those rare guys who doesn't place much importance on sex. when we were first married it was different, but a few years into it he quit putting any effort into that part of the relationship. i have talked and talked to him. spoken about how important sexuality is in a relationship. it creates a bond emotional, spiritual, physical. I have spoken quietly and encouragingly with much patience, and i have raged screaming and crying. Like i said i'm at my wits end. so Canluum, your mention of opening the relationship may be against the societal norm , but it just might save my sanity. I will look for those books and broach the subject. Kinda scares me to do something like that. as much as i fantasize about it, how one goes about initiating a tryst is a different story.

Permabear

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Zen65

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

+1

There is a school of thought which would consider that your husband is effectively choosing to be unfaithful by unilaterally opting out of the sexual relationship into which he has entered, and indeed I belong to that school. This is not a licence to make it acceptable for you to seek sex elsewhere, but I understand why you might think so, even briefly.

For example I may consider that shaving is a pointless exercise, but since Mrs Zen would not wish her husband to create a beard rash on her face I consider that it is largely my responsibility to continue to shave each day. Likewise for any other activity which is central to our physical relationship, including managing my weight, my health, and even my personal hygiene. It is all very well to assert one's own rights, but in a marriage one's rights must be balanced against one's obligations to honour their partner.

This is not to say that one party must subjugate to the wishes of the other. Far from it. The covenant of marriage requires (IMHO) only that your husband and you work towards a solution which allows your sex life to continue. To that end I do feel that he should seek counselling, to get to the root cause as to why he no longer feels inclined to have sexual relations. Hopefully this could help you both choose a course of action that would provide for your sexual desires while also giving him pleasure, if even just through intimacy.

I do try to make things interesting and different and i do show him that i'm interested.

Now I'm going to lapse into a bit of stereotypical male thinking for a moment. Try as I might I cannot easily imagine a situation (other than a medical one) where a man would find sex so off-putting that he would not engage in it for the simple pleasure of giving pleasure to a loved one. I know that I rarely derived any pleasure from teaching my kids to cycle/swim/understand physics or maths, other than the pleasure that comes from doing something so important with my own much-loved children, and seeing them get pleasure/satisfaction from it too. The hours I spent in the swimming pool / on the cycle path with them were not in any way pleasurable in their own right. I find it hard to understand why your husband would not derive some pleasure from making you feel good, unless there are other issues at play. This brings me to wondering about your comment above; have you tried a variety of sexual options which might please him? More importantly, have you discussed with him what sexual fantasies, fetishes, positions, costumes, etc etc might be most interesting to him? Sex, like a favourite TV show, can become repetitive unless something is introduced to change the plot a little from time to time.

These are things that a good counsellor should explore with you, or better yet, get you to explore with each other.

As Permabear has said, opting for sex with a third party is really not a good option for saving your marriage. It could really only be a viable option if your husband agreed to it, or even favoured it as an approach ...... but in all honesty even in that situation it is fraught with pitfalls. Be careful which fantasies you try to bring to life!!

I do hope you can persuade him to try marriage counselling. I think that there are some free counselling services available, so don't let a lack of money put you off.

Be at peace,

Z

stick girl

Thanks Sunflower and Permabear. I do think being out of work has played a huge part. well, it's playing a big part right now. so how do i deal with that stress on top of general apathy toward sex? no win is how i see it. so, yes counseling seems the only way to go. I know we desperately need it and maybe i can find a reputable place that'll see us at a reduced rate.( if i can't there is no way i can swing full payment for a therapist. as you know it's not a one go and your cured deal. therapy is a long process.)still, it doesn't hurt to try.. again.. to regain some sort sensual element of our relationship. and no i really don't want to go there as far as seeking something else. I would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage, it's just really hard right now and i'm tired of it always being a struggle, but that's just life i guess. at least it's my life. I really appreciate your words of support and wisdom..thank you

stick girl

Zen65 wrote: »

+1

''This brings me to wondering about your comment above; have you tried a variety of sexual options which might please him? More importantly, have you discussed with him what sexual fantasies, fetishes, positions, costumes, etc etc might be most interesting to him? Sex, like a favourite TV show, can become repetitive unless something is introduced to change the plot a little from time to time.''

Thanks for weighing in Zen. on the one hand my husband is a very affectionate person. we hug and kiss and snuggle etc. it's just when it turns to sex he's not interested. yes, i have suggested different positions, yes i have talked about what fantasies he might like. ''is there ANYTHING i can do to turn you on?'' i ask. watch porn, watch me, bj's, sex in different rooms. believe me i have tried to understand and get to the root of what is going on. if a man is not interested in having sex, there is NOTHING a woman can do.

thank you though for the free counseling link. will look into that.

Canluum

stick girl wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Polyamory (as an umbrella term) is route many couples take and insist it has saved their relationships. That's not to say it's a fix-it-all solution, it brings its own set of baggage, just as a medicine that cures can have side effects, and attention needs to be paid to those. Here are some links to forums etc where you might get some more understanding... and find out if it really is for you.
http://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory
http://www.polyamory.org/
alt.polyamory

You will probably get some solid (even conservative) advice on how to broach the idea to your husband, addressing his concerns and assuring him his needs will be met.

You don't necessarily have to live between a rock and a hard place. And I'm sure other posters would agree it's really unfair to suggest there's just something wrong with your husband and force him to fix it... It could well just be a difference of libido. There can be a happy medium.

Permabear wrote: »

OP, I would very strongly recommend not seeking out sex with someone other than your husband, unless you want to wreck what remains of your marriage. It's all very well to fantasize, of course ... infidelity is not the solution you should consider.

That's rather arbitrary and IMO a bit of a restrictive view. Let me ask you this: If he's okay with it then what is the problem? It is not cheating, or infidelity if it is done with honesty, consent and within agreed upon boundaries.

prinz

stick girl wrote: »

spoken about how important sexuality is in a relationship. it creates a bond emotional, spiritual, physical.

Between the people involved.

stick girl wrote: »

your mention of opening the relationship may be against the societal norm , but it just might save my sanity. I will look for those books and broach the subject. Kinda scares me to do something like that. as much as i fantasize about it, how one goes about initiating a tryst is a different story.

You really think that is going to improve the bond between your husband and yourself? Emotionally? Spiritually?

LegacyUser

OP have you 'let yourself go'? As in doing no exercise, sitting around every evening eating crap? Be honest. I have seen it many times where the woman lets herself go once she gets comfortable in the relationship and then the man is no longer interested in having sex with her. I was in this situation in the past myself and 'boring and pointless' is pretty much exactly how I would have described having sex with my (ex)gf when I was no longer attracted to her due to the 2-3 stone of flab she had put on.

Canluum

prinz wrote: »

You really think that is going to improve the bond between your husband and yourself? Emotionally? Spiritually?

Indirectly it certainly has the potential to... In my personal experience it has. Given how the current situation is somewhat untenable and rather destructive to that bond, this is at the very least an option worth looking into and discussing.

LegacyUser

letgo123 wrote: »

OP have you 'let yourself go'? As in doing no exercise, sitting around every evening eating crap? Be honest. I have seen it many times where the woman lets herself go once she gets comfortable in the relationship and then the man is no longer interested in having sex with her. I was in this situation in the past myself and 'boring and pointless' is pretty much exactly how I would have described having sex with my (ex)gf when I was no longer attracted to her due to the 2-3 stone of flab she had put on.[/QUOTE

The OP is married, so we can safely assume he understands what it means to be in an adult relationship

stick girl

firstly, no I have not ''let myself go". while I am not as toned as i'd like to be, I do exercise regularly. not that I need to defend my looks to you letgo123, but i am thin by most standards and take care to make myself attractive.

As to Canluum's advice, I appreciate your open mindedness and links. while i do understand the potential pitfalls, I do believe if undertaken in an honest and upfront manor, an open marriage/polyamory is well worth looking into. because this has been an undercurrent through a good portion of our marriage, the difference in libido (or general interest in sex) is a problem that i do not see changing. I have made a light suggestion of this before and it was not met with emphatic negativeness. perhaps with the proper research and discussion we can reach a decision that both my husband and i will be happy with.

ultimately I don't think my husband wants me to be unhappy. we have been through quite a lot together and i know our love runs deep. I would never separate from him over this, but i also know that i cannot continue to swallow my sexuality and pretend it doesn't matter.

BTW, I did mention seeing a therapist and it's not going to happen. as open minded and liberal as he is, the idea of discussing his sexuality with a stranger isn't something he's interested in doing. no, was the final answer. nice huh? I live between a rock and a hard place.

trio

So he has given you an ultimatum? No sex for the rest of your life? Or at least not loving intimacy with the man you love? But you can rub the itch with a complete stranger?

Firstly, he has changed the rules of your marriage without discussion or consultation. He has decided that what you signed up for all those years ago, now will change utterly for you.

Secondly, he is refusing to hear what you are saying, that sex is an emotional issue for you, not just a physical one.

I have always considered it to be a type of bullying, when a spouse, male or female, says "No sex for the rest of our lives, and no - we can never talk about it".

I strongly urge you to investigate counselling just for yourself for a few months. You need to have the space to be able to turn over this entire situation in your head, in your own quiet time.

Also, perhaps after several months of you going, he may finally realise the gravity of the situation he's putting you in and open up some sort of genuine dialogue.

(I also think that keeping up hugging and kissing and snuggling, but absolutely vetoing anything further with your spouse when you know she's a sexual person and longs for more, must make for an extra special kind of Hell for said spouse.)

stick girl

I think I need to clarify, the husband has not said we will never have sex. we actually do have it once in a while. it's just quite perfunctory. a missionary one sidedness, that is rarely satisfying. yes i enjoy the closeness and am happy as hell to actually be doing it. the thing is, the encounters only happen at my prodding. if i never said anything or wanted sex, he would be fairly ok with that.
the thing is he knows that i am unhappy with our intimacy. we have these ''come to jesus'' conversations every so often. my special hell is believing him every time he says it'll get better.

the fact is, he's just not that interested in sex. period. at this stage of the game it's going to be impossible to make many changes. even with therapy. well, i can help myself and that's a start toward my own happiness isn't it?

I have to say that writing about my pain and frustration on this forum has been so therapeutic. I don't really have anybody that i can speak to in my day to day life about this. it really helps to get things off my chest. thanks for all the advice and input. reading your opinions and wisdoms is helping me to gain some perspective

Sleepy

Was he always this way OP or could it be health related? Depression, Diabetes and a load of other medical conditions (both mental health and physical) can lead to a drop in libido. Would he be prepared to go get checked out by the GP?

stick girl

He saw a GP ages ago who came to the conclusion it was psychological. testosterone etc..was fine. no diabetes or health related issues factoring in. he has a lot of stress right now, but hasn't always.