partners children

LegacyUser

my partner was married and has 4 children living in the west of ireland. the thing is I have never met any of them. they are young and when he sees them he travels to them obviously i dont go with him does anyone think this is strange i know his ex is a bit weird but you would think she would like a break from them. i dont have a problem that he has children and wouldnt mind helping look after them etc anyone with a similar situation i would welcome any experiences. thanks

Neyite

Your post didnt give any specifics, so I cant really say until I know more. Have you asked him?

are you guys together long - how long ago was he divorced, and are he and his ex on relatively good terms - that kind of stuff all factor in too. It may be that they are trying to minimise the impact the parents divorce is on the children by keeping them in familiar surroundings on their home turf rather than the upset of dividing their time between homes. It may be that he thinks its too soon to introduce you to the children - especially if a divorce is not finalised or custody /visitation issues are still a touchy subject between him and his ex. He may not want to add fuel to an already burning fire by introducing his girlfriend.

And sorry to be blunt, his ex may very well want a break from the kids, but she wouldnt be the first to rather anyone on earth but the new girlfriend minds her kids.

LegacyUser

yeah your probably right his ex would freak id say if she thought he introduced kids to me. we are together over 3 years now. We have a very good relationship i think very close we do talk about everything he says it will happen when things calm down a bit. I am also separated with kids and he gets on very well with them its just a matter of gelling the 2 lots of kids together . Personally i wouldnt have a problem with my ex s partner getting to know my children but i suppose everyone is different. Some women can be very vindictive after marriage breakdown.

Big Bag of Chips

3 years is a long time, it's not like it's a "new" relationship.

What is he waiting for to "calm down"? How long are they seperated? If I was in your situation, and he was doing this of his own accord, then well and good, I suppose I'd have to accept that. But if he was doing it just to keep the peace with the ex, I'd be pretty annoyed that he was allowing her to have a say in how our relationship was conducted (especially after 3 years!)

EDIT: Does his ex know that he is with you?

jimmycrackcorm

The children are young and they are the priority. Perhaps he does not want them to be confused....

Abi

ijustcantthinkofaname wrote: »

yeah your probably right his ex would freak id say if she thought he introduced kids to me. we are together over 3 years now. We have a very good relationship i think very close we do talk about everything he says it will happen when things calm down a bit. I am also separated with kids and he gets on very well with them its just a matter of gelling the 2 lots of kids together . Personally i wouldnt have a problem with my ex s partner getting to know my children but i suppose everyone is different. Some women can be very vindictive after marriage breakdown.

Or very protective of her children, and afraid of who he brings into her childrens lives. Three years is quite some time to have not met them yet however.

Big bag of chips brings up an important point though, does she know that her ex has moved on? It could be a case that he's afraid of 'rocking the boat' with her, and her cutting back his access as a result. Is there any formal access arrangements in place?

After three years, there is definitely something amiss.

Motley Crue

While four children is a larger then average family by today's standards perhaps, I don't see any problem with this, although you are probably right not to go and see the children - maybe when they're older and better able to understand the situation you can be introduced as a part of their father's life. Young children need stability and comfort and to feel safe in their home and if their mother is more comfortable without your presence then that is the safest option for now.

It is rare to see someone who has had four children, and married, leave his wife when the children are so young. I would be cautious of your own situation and not plan for any children yourself for the foreseeable future.

metrovelvet

Could it be a simple case of logistics? Its easier and cheaper for one person to go there than to drag three kids across the country and back?

Neyite

metrovelvet wrote: »

Could it be a simple case of logistics? Its easier and cheaper for one person to go there than to drag three kids across the country and back?

This is what I thought too. Kids have a lot of stuff. But it is strange that you have not met them at least once during the last 3 years or so. The only one who can answer this fully is your partner. We can come up with all sorts of theories here but not know the real answer.

Abi

metrovelvet wrote: »

Could it be a simple case of logistics? Its easier and cheaper for one person to go there than to drag three kids across the country and back?

Neyite wrote: »

This is what I thought too. Kids have a lot of stuff. But it is strange that you have not met them at least once during the last 3 years or so. The only one who can answer this fully is your partner. We can come up with all sorts of theories here but not know the real answer.

I did consider this too. But surely by now they should at least have been introduced to her? =/

LegacyUser

Don't be sdo hasty to wish these kids on yourself. The time might come and you will wish for these peaceful days to return. Step parenting is no picnic. It may never come your way anyway so enjoy your relationship as it is and forget about the kids. They're not yours to worry about.

Crea

How often does he see his children? Given that they live away i'm guessing that it's not often ie: not weekly. In this case maybe it is preferable that he sees the children on his own so he can give them 100% of his attention. As the children get older they may have more of a chance to stay with him and you will get to meet them
I don't think it's meant as a personal slight against you that you haven't been introduced but since he has to travel to where they live and that they are young maybe at the moment the logistics of you being there isn't going to work. I wouldn't force it as he and his ex have obviously some sort of an arrangement that works for them.

rainbowtrout

metrovelvet wrote: »

Could it be a simple case of logistics? Its easier and cheaper for one person to go there than to drag three kids across the country and back?

I agree, also the OP says the four children are young. It's hardly suitable to put 4 young children on a bus/train to Dublin or wherever to be met by their father. It doesn't make sense for their mother to drive them across the country for their father to see them, it's easier all round for the father to travel.