Want to meet someone but....

LegacyUser

I'll get straigh to the point.

I would like to meet someone for a relationship by whatever means but my problem is I feel quite physically inferrior. Not because I don't consider myself attractive but rather that I had an operation some 6 years ago (i'm mid 30's now) and have to wear a collostomy bag all the time now, not to mention a scarring vertical line over my navel.

Because of this I find it difficult to partake in (as in not comfortable with) outdoor activities and I don't really like the idea of travelling too much. I even fear eating out with the damn thing as sometimes it (or rather I) make slight rude noises and causes embarrasement, even with members of my own family. I have struggled a long time trying to get used to and accepting it - it repulses me so much.

When you're lying in a hospital bed knocking on death's door with ulcerative collitis and the doctors are describing the proceedure they're about to carry out on you, they don't tell you that btw we're gonna completely screw up the life you once knew - eating, sport, travelling, going out and you can forget about a sex life if you don't already have one!

Anyway my main concern is being intimate with someone. I can't see anyone wanting to be with me if and/or when they find out about it.

Well thanks for stoppin by.....

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I can't say I relate exactly to how you feel as I don't have that particular physical issue. However I did want to say this.
Most people have some sort of body hang up. Someone who hates her boobs might, to you, look as though she has nothing to worry about. Someone who has lost their legs might look at you and think you have nothing to worry about.

In some respects you're not too bad as a colostomy bag is hidden under your clothes so to outsiders you look "normal". not that you're not, but you know what I mean.

Your body hangup isn't right out there for everyone to see at first glance so you have a pretty good chance of meeting someone, building up a relationship and then revealing the colostomy bag. People are much more tolerant of a physical issue once they know the person and care for them.
So basically if you meet someone and wait to get intimate with them, your chances of success will be better than with a one night stand.

I've had a few surgeries and have a tummy riddled with scars. A c-section scar, stretch marks, keyhold surgery scars and a lovely 10 inch vertical scar on my thigh. Not to mention the love handles, slightly saggy and somewhat wonky boobs. Oh, and my piggy nose.
But overall, I'm not ugly, I'm reasonably attractive and I've never had any complaints about scars and lumps and bumps from anyone who has been fortunate enough to get to see them!

Your confidence is low which is understandable after what you've been through. But you're alive and you're lucky and you need to start thinking that way because nothing is more offputting than someone who wallows in pity and woe, not even a colostomy bag.
Try seeing the positives. For a start, you could be dead. Or in pain.
OK, so a colostomy bag isn't exactly the fashion accessory of the year but we all have our crosses to bear and our physical imperfections. This is yours and you just need to learn how to accept it rather than fight against it.
That bag saved your life. Now it's up to you to make the most of that life.

AnonMous

Hi Op,

Firstly, i'd just like to say that I really sympathise with your situation. I can imagine how it is effecting you.

I know this will sound really cliched, but anyone who wouldn't be with you as a result of you having a collostomy bag, isn't worth it. You'll stumble across the right person for you when you least expect it :-)

Speaking from experience, as someone who has had confidence issues in the past, I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I discovered a method of freeing up my emotional issues. It is called E.F.T. (Emotional Freedom Technique) and I can genuinely say that it really worked wonders for me.

Here is a brief description from a website as to what it is:

"The EFT tapping techniques are a series of astoundingly fast and easy processes that can help just about anyone to achieve genuine freedom from the emotions that have created problems in their lives".

If you look it up online, there are websites that give clear instructions as to how to do it and while it may not remove the collostomy bag, it will make you confident to accept yourself just the way you are.

Finally Op, I hope you get the partner that you deserve.

Take care,

A.

The Corinthian

I knew a chap in college, years ago, who had a colostomy bag, as well as another, more visible, disability. He was very charming, gregarious and generally fun to be around. As a result, he actually had little trouble getting the girls. And I mean plural.

A positive personality can actually overcome a lot of disadvantages, IMHO.

pencilsharp

Hi op!

I know where you are coming from six years ago I was diagnosed with epilepsy and although I don't have any physical, noticable signs of this I always fear that I will seize on a date.

There are other problems such as the medication I take causes hair loss and although I am not bald its a hang up of mine. My medication has also caused weight gain. Although I haven't had a full seizure in quite awhile (touch wood) I do get absence seizures where I blank out, can't understand conversation, can't get sentences out and become confused and disorientated when it subsides. These happen quite often and I would be so embarrassed if it happened on a date, so I avoid them even though I've been asked on dates over the years. I don't think mentioning my illness is appropriate for a first date, I'd be afraid I'd scare my date!

My friends tell me I'm being stupid, that if a guy was interested he'd accept me with warts and all, but I'm not convinced. I guess we just have to try deal with these things in our own time and try and move on, as difficult as that sounds! I really hope that one day I can overcome my illness and move on with my life and I hope the same for you too.

cantdecide

Your situation is not ideal but if I met someone nice that I liked and they told me they had a colostomy bag, it wouldn't bother me. We're organic beings, OP. Stuff goes wrong with us from time to time and we're lucky enough that some things can be rectified. It's proof that you've lived and you're made of stern stuff. There will be a day when you will finally accept this and all you have to do is try to get there as quickly as possible. Whenever you start having negative thoughts about it, just try to put it out of your mind. Go and be happy, you've been through a lot and you deserve a little happiness.

CathyMoran

My husband has crohns and has had multiple bowel resections and has a scar on his tummy - he actually mentioned it to me immediatly and I also mentioned that I am a type 1 diabetic - it has never been a big deal. As it turns out I ended up having major surgery over 4 years ago and have a similar scar as well as some others.