my boyfriend's mother is manipulating him from another country!

Mirjana

What to do and how to act to this manipulative mother? I'm over a year with this boyfriend that i really love him and we are living together 6 months in the house of his dad. This house is with two separated entries and we have good relationship together, me, my boyfriend and his dad. His mother lives in another country (separated and remarried), but her influences are felt by me. I can see that she manipulate my boyfriend since she always call to tell him that if he wants to move and work there for a summer she well be more than a glad. I know that only thing that she wants is to separate him from me, because last summer while we were on vacation to her place, i felt that she doesn't want me. the only thing that she wants is her sons love - which is quite selfish;and after my summer holiday i had to go back to work while he stayed a little bit more (two months). and on the second month we broke up since he told me that he cheated me with some woman from London. and in that time his mother took a picture of my boyfriend and this girl(mom with one child) and she was talking to him all the time that this chance (to be with this london girl/mum) is the best for him and in that case he will move to england and have the opportunity to gain money, to have a wonderful life. But when i was sad here in our country, he decides to come back to me and to live together. But until new year's eve that girl was calling all the time and i was upset. Later on, his mother is using his current state (not working guy) to offer him a job during the summer.Now, he wants to go there to work but to come back for three moths. In the meantime, since she doesn't know whether or not, I will stay in the house, she forced her daughter (my boyfriend's sister) who lives with her boyfriend in other apartment for over 12 years to come and live in my boyfriend's house. Can u imagine? And my boyfriend said: i'm so pissed off, that means you should go to live alone in some apartment or to live with ur parents! I thought in that moment, - ur mother is awesome in manipulation! but, of course i didn't tell that! I really want to see his mother that she is not capable to manipulate me...but i don't know how to make that happen! Can u advice?

Distorted

I think you are focussing too much on the your boyfriend's mother than your boyfriend. I think the cheating is more important. Have you asked him these questions? And why are you putting up with this situation if you are uncomfortable with it?

Have I got it right? You live together with your boyfriend and his father in a family owned apartment? Do you pay rent and do you have a job? If so, you might feel happier moving out and getting your own place, while your boyfriend makes up his mind what to do. You have emeshed yourself very heavily in this family's life, yet (as you have found out) you are not a part of this family and they do not have to treat you as a family member.

I don't think there is anything wrong per se in your boyfriend considering moving to England to work, there are a lot more jobs there just now and its better than being unemployed. I also don't think its unreasonable of a mother to encourage her son to move to the country she is living in to find employment. Is it not possible for you to go with him, find employment and rent your own place over there?

curlzy

Hey OP,

I with Distorted on this one. It's your boyfriend that cheated not his mother, his mother didn't hold a gun to his head and make him cheat. Your post is a bit confusing but I understand this may be a language issue but to be hones if I'm understanding you correctly your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a ****. Maybe move out get some independence and let him do what he wants. To be honest I'd get rid of him, the last time you were apart he cheated and now he wants to move over to England where the girl he cheated with lives. Honestly I'd dump him and concentrate on your own life for a while.

Mirjana

Thanks for the reply..Actually, we had plans to come over there and to live and work together, but right now he doesn't want that. He wants to be alone. When he was there he got two jobs there and had an opportunity to work and gain money but he refused those chances. While i was working a lot here in our country and gain money he felt amusing to go every day at beach and go out every night with different girls.That is what I don't want, to react as a teenage boy while he has a lots of adultery things to do. I'm afraid that he only speaks that he wants to gain money, but the real thing is I work and I pay the food and all of his stuff, his father pays the electricity and the water and he is acting like a child. I respect his choice, his will, and desires but i don't fell like he will do something mature. Also he has a child that he hasn't seen him in 5 years and he blame the ex wife for that thing.
The question is - does he really wants to commit with me?

greenprincess

Hi OP,

Sounds like an annoying situation! Not being rude or anything but it sounds like you are not Irish, so I am just wondering if you have major ties to Ireland that you couldnt move with your bf to this other where there are jobs?
Also I wouldnt blame his mam for him cheating! That was all him

Angeles

I honestly think your thinking way to hard about this.
From your posts i honestly don't think the mother is being that manipulative,
So far she's offering her son work and a place to stay, which is all about him, helping him out to get some work, there could be some selfish reasons like wanting to spend more time with her son, but what good mother doesn't?

She also probably only asked to her daughter to move into the house, not forced as i really don't believe a grown woman who is living with there OH for 12 years would just return and live with her parents on a command!
There a many reasons she could have asked aswell, to help look after her father or maintain the house while the the son is gone, as she is not in her right to leave the house in your hands, especially if anything were to happen.

Now in the mean time while all this is taking effect, your getting trapped into all of this, these are all family affairs of your BF, and your trying to rationalize how its effecting you which sounds like in your mind = blame the mom for everything.

Yet your ignoring the only thing that should be important to you, what are your actual needs and wants and what are your boyfriends?

I suggest you sit down and think about whats really bothering you, because it will all boil down to 1 thing, and i'm going to gamble its either a lack of trust in your boyfriend going to the UK *where he cheated before*, or a disagreement in his decision for leaving you, can you handle him being gone for 3 months? either way i think the answers are there, you just need to look in the right place