How do I quit my ex?

LegacyUser

I have been dating a guy since end of Feb 2010, since day one we have been having sex, but when he asked me a few weeks in to be his girlfriend, I thought that meant we were past the f*ck buddy phase. I assumed after a few months, that we were ok, but we never went out and did normal couple things - we would stay in and have sex for half a day,then do the same thing every week.

Eventually we would go out, to cinema, or bowling, but anytime we did, he would be critical of how I looked, and dressed, and when we would be around his friends,he would give out to me for speaking. Told me I spoke too much,and needed to learn to shut up and listen.

For my birthday he took me to stay in a B&B overnight,but that ended up being just another place to have sex.We didnt even have dinner.

He has dumped me on and off, commented about my weight and everything I eat, constantly putting me down. Blaming me for not having a job, and keeps bringing up past sexual experience and pushing the issue of a threesome, which he knows I have no interest in.

Sex is only thing he seems to want, and he does not use condoms. Despite asking him to, he accuses me of sleeping around, and if I'm not, then no condoms needed. He also says if I get pregnant I can just have an abortion.

He has never gotten me any presents - no birthday, Christmas or Valentines, and makes me feel like an unpaid whore. Have been struggling with my depression, and finding it difficult to break off with him.

Being able to speak with him when there is noone else to turn to helps, even though deep down I know he doesnt care for me or see me as anyone permanent.

Following pyschiatrists advice, I broke up with him 5 weeks ago, but that didnt last, and am back with him, but nothing has changed. He offered to pay off my debt if I will have a threesome. Feel cheap and unloved all the time.

Advice appreciated.

teaspach

Get out of there as quickly as you are physically able!! You are in an abusive relationship. He sounds like a deeply disturbed individual with all sorts of issues. He is damaging your self esteem, putting you at risk of an unwanted pregnancy, using you for sex, destroying your self confidence, blackmailing you.. do I need to go on?? RUN!!! You can do so much better.

LegacyUser

Why on earth are you with this person?? Get out of there now! He has no respect for you and is treating you terribly, you deserve better.

Asphyxia

OP he sounds like a user, he seems to want you when it suits him and when he gets what he wants he leaves you upset and alone. He has you under the thumb and is walking all over you. If I were you I'd be gone I would cut all contact and move on.

IrishEyes19

Sounds like a user??? He sounds like an abusive _________ I wont insert the word I want. But OP get out of that now, theres nothing in your post that suggests any good reason to remain with this man!!!

curlzy

Oh god OP, I really just wish I could give you a hug! I wanted to berate you all the way through your post, thinking what the hell is wrong with this girl that she would allow herself to be used so disgracefully? But then I got to the depression part and I really just want to scoop you up and bring you to stay in my house away from him. OP, he's a sociopath, he really and honestly can't be anything else, no normal person can treat someone the way he's treating you, especially in the vulnerable position you're in. And combined with that you have depression and very low self esteem, Jesus it's an age old recipe for disaster!!! You probably mistook sex for love at the start and so put up with things but then as the emotional abuse went on (and that's what constant criticism is) you got depressed and got sucked deeper and deeper into this.

Honestly OP, I know you can't see this right now but this too shall pass, if you let it!!! Keep going to your psychiatrist and get on some meds if possible for the depression, maybe when that part is more managable you will be able to see clearly that your "boyfriend" is a scummy b*stard that doesn't deserve you, he doesn't deserve anyone TBH. I would tell you to break up with him but from the sounds of it at the moment you can't. Maybe if you get a handle on the depression you could make a go at having a happier life, but I’m worried that he probably caused the depression so it's a catch 22.

Here's what I think I would do: Contact a relative or friend in a different part of Ireland. Ask to stay with them for a month. Go there, throw away your phone, delete your emails, delete facebook, cut contact with a capital C. Go to the doctor and counselling and work on getting healthy. Work on making a happy life.

Whatever you decide to do OP I wish you the very best of luck, I know it won't be easy to sort out but I really think you can do this. Remember you can come back here to talk any time you need to!

Sleepy

He's a leech of the worst kind OP. In his eyes, you're his whore, not his girlfriend. The entire relationship seems to be about his needs.

Have you any friends/family you can talk to? Maybe there's a support group for those suffering from depression in your area? I'm sure the HSE or Aware could point you in that direction?

Colonel_McCoy

Get away from this toxic a$$hole now!

LegacyUser

Hi,

I would get out of there as fast as you could. I am a bloke and I can not understand for the life of me the way men treat some woman just out and out wrong. You need to be strong and get away from him.

Just lets say you did end up having his baby he would 100 per cent leave you as a single mother and I do not think you would want this at all.

Tell him to get a life and leave you alone he will keep coming back as long as you let him and it is not fair on you. Sort out your own debt if you do end up having a three some there is no way in hell will he pay of your debt.

I have seen this so many times in my line of work, I really hope you get sorted and get rid of that waste of space.

Take Care

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Sleepy

I'd agree with everything Permabear says, aside from this line:

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Only follow this advice if you see sex as something you give in expectation of reward. If it's something you desire as much as your partner, don't go playing mind games at the start of a relationship, it's not a good start.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Really appreciate people taking the time to comment.

I am fully aware that the situation I am currently in is negative and highly toxic, and that my boyfriend is using and abusing me mentally. I do not have anyone in the family to talk to, they are critical of me as a person. While I talk to friends, they have their own lives, and that doesnt help at 10pm when I need to talk. I hate burdening others, have always been the person people ask to help them. Or people have always assumed I am there to do their bidding.

I was raped by a boyfriend when I was younger, and know I have an unhealthy understanding of sex and love. Being honest, sex with someone is often what I give,to get a hug or sense that someone cares. Very warped,I know, but have been trying to work on myself for years, and its an uphill struggle. My depression comes out of nowhere sometimes, am likely to burst into tears at any criticism or sense that I have let someone down.

Councelling doesnt help that much, and find that I get angry at the suggestion I am choosing things, or wanting bad things to happen. That couldnt be further from ther truth. I want to be happy and loved and not so afraid all the time.

I often wonder what it is all for, have spent so many years going through hell. I want out, want the normal relationship with someone who loves me for me, flaws and all.

Ever grateful,

Sleepy

GirlLostInDublin wrote: »

I want out, want the normal relationship with someone who loves me for me, flaws and all.

Be careful here OP. People love each other in spite of their flaws, not because of them. Some things are within our control to change, particularly behaviours. We don't love our children because they do bold things, we love them in spite of them and we try to correct them so they won't do them again. The "this is me, I'm perfect as I am, love me" approach rarely works unless you've worked on yourself to the point where you're at least comfortable with who you are.Take responsibility for your actions and you'll find you do less stupid things.


If your counselling isn't really working, why not try a different counsellor?

Permabear

This post has been deleted.