Am I too casual?

LegacyUser

Met a girl recently that I liked, very sexy dancer. We talked a lot, then kissed a lot. Now, 3 weeks later we've slept together and had a lot of fun.

The problem is, she talks a lot. Too much for me. She calls every day and wants to tell me everything she did.

I'm not great with commitment but I do like physical intimacy. So I'm torn between finishing this, to avoid commitment and get time to myself, and trying to continue but in a more casual way.

Am I too selfish to want the sex at weekends, but not the conversation every day? Should I just ask her?

We're both at or above 40 so pretty mature.

Casrel

Casrel wrote: »

Am I too selfish to want the sex at weekends, but not the conversation every day? Should I just ask her?

It's not selfish to want sex at the weekends, and it's not selfish to want to avoid lengthy conversation, but your issue seems a bit confused. Are you saying you want a strictly sex once a week relationship or are you saying you just need a bit of space? They're very different things.

If it's just that you don't want her calling you every day, just talk (ironic but yeah) to her about it. She might just be expecting a bit too much of you, and doesn't realise she's constantly bombarding you with words.

If your issue is really that you're just looking for sex, you're perfectly entitled to ask for it but you have to let her know that these are your intentions. It's not selfish to want just sex but it's selfish (and a little cruel) to allow her to think you want a full relationship if you don't.

Unfortunately either issue requires you to talk to her about it, so you'll certainly be having one more conversation. Please don't have the conversation after you've had sex. Do it beforehand.

Permabear

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LegacyUser

There is nothing wrong with wanting intimacy without commitment. I think there are 2 possible problems here;

1) You have been dishonest and not explained this is just budds-with-benefits if she asked. I am not saying you have or have not, but make it clear then she can not complain. There is nothing wrong with a casual relationship as long as you are clear about it. Only someone childish would complain that they thought everytime they had sex with someone that it is going to lead to a relationship. But seeing as you are both 40 this is probably not likely, but still you never know.

2) She has possibly assumed this is heading twords a relationship. This is not very likely of her at her age. At her age I am sure she knows relationships are agreed in words by both parties. It is up to her to ask you what the relationship is before she proceeds ahead maybe ignoring redflags ( like you being bored by her jabbering ) and then blaming you later for playing her. It is her own personal responsibility to perform a due diligence by asking you what your intentions are. Rather than crying later that she got played because despite all her yapping she never asked one or two important questions.

I would say be clear with her. She should be asking herself also. Be careful, if she is a passive-aggressive type she might try to manipulate you with tears claiming she thought it was a relationship even though no such thing was ever agreed.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.

Sunflower, I'm acutely aware of what you're saying and the last thing I want to do is deceive her and hurt her. That's whats worrying me a bit.

I think the consensus is that we need to talk! That's no problem, I might have exaggerated a bit about the whole conversations thing.

Meeting up tonight so I think I'll try to have a chat.

LegacyUser

clingons jim wrote: »

Be careful, if she is a passive-aggressive type she might try to manipulate you with tears claiming she thought it was a relationship even though no such thing was ever agreed.

If someone behaves like they're in a relationship you cant blame the lady for thinking that that is where it is heading. This makes it sound like one needs to sign a written contract.

Yeah OP, its a good idea to have a chat with her. But if she has formed an attachment its probably not going to be a good idea to continue in a casual manner. No harm in discussing and seeing if its an option though.

IrishEyes19

you're just going to have to say it straight and simple, no beating around the bush with the usual lines of, too much in my life right now, not ready for relationship blah blah.

Just say to her straight, all you want right now is a casual relationship, no strings attached and ask her nicely if she wants the same.

Firetrap

I get the impression you both want different things. You're not all that interested in her really apart from having a bit of fun at weekends. She's not someone you want to have a relationship with.

She, on the other hand, sounds like she's much more into you and might be thinking this is going to be a relationship.

If you want to be fair to her, the right thing to do is to break it off. It's not going to get any easier as time goes on.

LegacyUser

ecento wrote: »

If someone behaves like they're in a relationship you cant blame the lady for thinking that that is where it is heading. This makes it sound like one needs to sign a written contract.

Oh I wholeheartedly disagree. The lady can be blamed if she fails to look out for herself. There is no point rushing in against her better judgement and then blaming the other person for using her or playing her later on. This is of course not excusing the man for his responsibilities either. But it takes two people to agree. It is like when people get involved with married or attached people and then whine later when they get hurt. Well of course, what did they expect.
As for a contract no, not written, but yes verbal. That's what a relationship is. Something a couple actively negotiates, not something that is just assumed or presumed. That would really be asking for trouble! She needs to watch out for her own interests. That is what grownups have to do.

IrishEyes19

clingons jim wrote: »

Oh I wholeheartedly disagree. The lady can be blamed if she fails to look out for herself. There is no point rushing in against her better judgement and then blaming the other person for using her or playing her later on. This is of course not excusing the man for his responsibilities either. But it takes two people to agree. It is like when people get involved with married or attached people and then whine later when they get hurt. Well of course, what did they expect.
As for a contract no, not written, but yes verbal. That's what a relationship is. Something a couple actively negotiates, not something that is just assumed or presumed. That would really be asking for trouble! She needs to watch out for her own interests. That is what grownups have to do.

eh, but the OP is clearly not married or attached so what was the woman supposed to think, the OP unless he states it later, correct me if Im wrong never told her it was casual. Fair enough relationships all involve risks, but maybe at their ages and Im presume its 40's also for the lady in question, maybe she thought she had met a nice guy who wanted something proper. Casual sex isnt the most attractive proposition for everyone.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

eh, but the OP is clearly not married or attached so what was the woman supposed to think, the OP unless he states it later, correct me if Im wrong never told her it was casual. Fair enough relationships all involve risks, but maybe at their ages and Im presume its 40's also for the lady in question, maybe she thought she had met a nice guy who wanted something proper. Casual sex isnt the most attractive proposition for everyone.

Maybe she thought that but in her shoes I would always open my mouth and ask. I learned in life that you can not assume or presume anything. It is only sensible to look out for yourself and not give your heart to anyone unless you know what is going on. Not everyone is looking for casual sex no, but not everyone is looking for a relationship either. But anyway the OP has said he will speak to the woman so this is a good thing. All I am saying is if I were in her shoes I would have asked as I know many women and men of this age and sleeping together does not really mean the start of a relationship unless it is actively discussed. But perhaps this lady is a little inexperienced and does not realise this.

IrishEyes19

clingons jim wrote: »

Maybe she thought that but in her shoes I would always open my mouth and ask. I learned in life that you can not assume or presume anything. It is only sensible to look out for yourself and not give your heart to anyone unless you know what is going on. Not everyone is looking for casual sex no, but not everyone is looking for a relationship either. But anyway the OP has said he will speak to the woman so this is a good thing. All I am saying is if I were in her shoes I would have asked as I know many women and men of this age and sleeping together does not really mean the start of a relationship unless it is actively discussed. But perhaps this lady is a little inexperienced and does not realise this.

Three weeks into dating isnt generally the time to ask where its going. Usually its about 2 months into it, Im not setting rules here, but generally thats a bit early. But yes I agree, at least he'll talk to her about it. Its the best thing to do,

mood

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Exactly!

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Clingonsjim - it has only been three weeks. She probably thinks things are following the natural progression, especially if she has not been told that the OP feels the way he does.

Hopefully. Although the OP did say " The problem is, she talks a lot. Too much for me. She calls every day and wants to tell me everything she did. " which is a little bit worrying after only 3 weeks. So it is good that the OP will talk to the lady later. I think anyone would know that her calling every day and gushing as she is doing is a little bit more than following the natural progression. I can understand the OP feeling put off.

sunflower27 wrote: »

She is 40 so i am presuming she has some idea of the dating game.

I hope so too but the above maybe suggests that maybe not and maybe she is a bit needy and suffocating.

Emme

Casrel wrote: »

Met a girl recently that I liked, very sexy dancer. We talked a lot, then kissed a lot. Now, 3 weeks later we've slept together and had a lot of fun.

I take it you waited 3 weeks to sleep together. So it's reasonable to assume that this lady might (mistakenly) have been led to believe that you were respecting her and weren't just out for casual sex or a ONS.

Casrel wrote: »

The problem is, she talks a lot. Too much for me. She calls every day and wants to tell me everything she did.

Communication is an essential part of a relationship, and I don't mean just sexual communication.

Casrel wrote: »

I'm not great with commitment but I do like physical intimacy. So I'm torn between finishing this, to avoid commitment and get time to myself, and trying to continue but in a more casual way.

Intimacy is more than "the old in and out" which was the euphemism for sex in Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange. You don't seem to want intimacy OP, from what I understand you just want no-strings sex within what appears to be a relationship but is in reality an arrangement where you can get laid without commitment.

Casrel wrote: »

Am I too selfish to want the sex at weekends, but not the conversation every day? Should I just ask her?

What you expect from this woman is despicable because you weren't honest from the start. As it stands you want to be guaranteed sex at the weekends so you don't have the hassle of going out on the pull, yet you don't want to offer this woman any sort of commitment.

I would have more respect for you if on the first night you met this woman you said to her that you wanted a no-strings-sex arrangement and would she be willing to go along with you. It isn't too late to ask her for such an arrangement at this stage but I doubt that she will want to take things further.

Seriously, if you want an NSA arrangement why not go to a website which specialises in such things, it would be more honest and less hypocritical on your part.

Casrel wrote: »

We're both at or above 40 so pretty mature.

:rolleyes:

Age is no guarantee of maturity. I know guys in their 20s who are more mature and treat women with more respect than you. There is nothing wrong with wanting a NSA arrangement but you have gone about it in a dishonest, immature way. Instead of telling the woman from the start what you wanted (and didn't want) you "dated" her for 3 weeks, leading her to believe that she was getting more than what you were willing to give. As things stand you are giving this woman nothing, but expect everything from her - a very poor bargain for her.

Be honest with her and cut her loose. Even if she doesn't meet somebody willing to respect her soon, she's better off without you unless she too wants a NSA arrangement.

LegacyUser

Well I'm flattered at the interest in this conversation.

Thanks for all the opinions. I think some of you might be jumping to conclusions, or maybe I wasn't quite clear.

I didn't set out to have a casual, sex-at-the-weekend-guaranteed relationship. I met a girl who I was attracted to, and in the first few days I felt quite smitten. But as I explained, after a few weeks this has transformed into something different - I know her personality and traits better now, and I'm a bit stressed at the prospect of the intensity of the relationship that she appears to want.

But I may be wrong. We'll talk later tonight and hopefully clear things up. I find it a bit daunting to have to bring this up, but definitely better now than later when it's all more serious.

I mention the idea of a more casual relationship only because I know it seems to work for some other people. And in a certain way I'm attracted to it. I think I even have a mild sexual addiction, but that's a whole other conversation.

I'm not even sure casual would work for me, I'm actually quite inexperienced in relationships despite my age.

We'll see. I don't want anyone to get hurt anymore than you all do.

LegacyUser

I totally disagree Emme. You are making it sound as if he is doing something wrong by wanting no-strings-attached-sex. He is not. Some people on here are assuming she is looking for commitment when nothing has been said. Some people here seem to think that looking for commitment is the default position of everyone. It is not. That is a stupid and dangerous assumption. OP you have not ripped her off or led her on in any way. You have not stated your position but neither has she. Some here seem to be saying it's ok for her to be vague but not for you OP? That is total double standards, as is people calling OP a hypocrite. OP I am a female and please don't listen to this, women have come on a long way from playing the victim when big-bad-men "use" them for sex. You can not get used unless you are stupid and let someone use you. People mentioned she should not have the "where-is-this-going" conversation with him after only 3 weeks. Well if she is that worried about being used neither should she be sleeping with you after 3 weeks so please don't feel bad or grovel. Please let us not put the womens movement back a few hundred years where men are the enemy. Big girls go into a sexual relationship with their eyes OPEN, or they only have themselves to blame. I can not stand all this playing the victim on behalf of some women that will not ever take personal responsibility for their own decisions after they choose to sleep with someone and always want to blame the other person.

Distorted

OP - I think you might find it difficult to turn this one into a casual, sex at weekends type fling if she is already phoning you daily and telling her about her life. I think you are being slightly reticent about whether you should call the whole thing off or not and may end up stringing her along as you will find it harder to tell her the reality the longer you put it off.

Some women are up for casual, no-strings attached relationships, though I suspect not as many as some men think! But women who phone you daily after 3 weeks tend not to be.

LegacyUser

sorry but she sounds like a bit of a bunnyboiler, i think you should break up with her. Too much too soon.

Emme

anonuser pi wrote: »

I totally disagree Emme. You are making it sound as if he is doing something wrong by wanting no-strings-attached-sex. He is not. Some people on here are assuming she is looking for commitment when nothing has been said. Some people here seem to think that looking for commitment is the default position of everyone. It is not. That is a stupid and dangerous assumption. OP you have not ripped her off or led her on in any way. You have not stated your position but neither has she. Some here seem to be saying it's ok for her to be vague but not for you OP? That is total double standards, as is people calling OP a hypocrite. OP I am a female and please don't listen to this, women have come on a long way from playing the victim when big-bad-men "use" them for sex. You can not get used unless you are stupid and let someone use you. People mentioned she should not have the "where-is-this-going" conversation with him after only 3 weeks. Well if she is that worried about being used neither should she be sleeping with you after 3 weeks so please don't feel bad or grovel. Please let us not put the womens movement back a few hundred years where men are the enemy. Big girls go into a sexual relationship with their eyes OPEN, or they only have themselves to blame. I can not stand all this playing the victim on behalf of some women that will not ever take personal responsibility for their own decisions after they choose to sleep with someone and always want to blame the other person.

You make some fair points, but if the attitudes of the OP are all that the women's movement have brought about, I'd gladly go back to pre-feminism days and work in the home with a husband who takes responsibility for his family. Thankfully this isn't the case and I'm not saying that pre-feminism days were any better for women - women have equal pay now and the right to go out to work regardless of status which is a good thing.

However, some men seem to have less respect for women than before pre-feminism days and regard women as a sexual convenience. Yes, we're all big girls now and have to go into "relationships":rolleyes: with our eyes open, but the necessity for this has eroded a certain amount of trust and camaraderie between men and women and made us into enemies, so to speak.

Maybe the OP's "girlfriend" hasn't been in a relationship for a while and was so happy to meet somebody she let down her guard too soon. Maybe she's a very trusting type of person even though she is in her 40s like the OP. So as I said before, age is no guarantee of maturity.

I was not surprised when the OP admitted he has very little experience in relationships. If he thought that this woman was getting too emotionally attached he shouldn't have had sex with her. However, she may have gotten emotionally attached after sex, she wouldn't be the only woman to do that, especially if they waited 3 weeks before having sex. 3 weeks doesn't seem long, but in a culture where most men seem to expect it on the first night, especially those over 35, 3 weeks is a relatively long timeframe.

I never said that there was anything wrong with NSA arrangements, they're fine if everyone is honest and above board. Again, the OP shows his lack of maturity in the way he handled this situation.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

You make some fair points, but if the attitudes of the OP are all that the women's movement have brought about, I'd gladly go back to pre-feminism days and work in the home with a husband who takes responsibility for his family. Thankfully this isn't the case and I'm not saying that pre-feminism days were any better for women - women have equal pay now and the right to go out to work regardless of status which is a good thing.

However, some men seem to have less respect for women than before pre-feminism days and regard women as a sexual convenience. Yes, we're all big girls now and have to go into "relationships":rolleyes: with our eyes open, but the necessity for this has eroded a certain amount of trust and camaraderie between men and women and made us into enemies, so to speak.

Maybe the OP's "girlfriend" hasn't been in a relationship for a while and was so happy to meet somebody she let down her guard too soon. Maybe she's a very trusting type of person even though she is in her 40s like the OP. So as I said before, age is no guarantee of maturity.

I was not surprised when the OP admitted he has very little experience in relationships. If he thought that this woman was getting too emotionally attached he shouldn't have had sex with her. However, she may have gotten emotionally attached after sex, she wouldn't be the only woman to do that, especially if they waited 3 weeks before having sex. 3 weeks doesn't seem long, but in a culture where most men seem to expect it on the first night, especially those over 35, 3 weeks is a relatively long timeframe.

I never said that there was anything wrong with NSA arrangements, they're fine if everyone is honest and above board. Again, the OP shows his lack of maturity in the way he handled this situation.

As a woman I find the post above really awful. OP you have done nothing wrong. Don't buy into this old misandric crap that the woman is to be excused everything and the man is to blame for everything. I also find Emmes generalisations about men and women like something from the ark. Women are not helpless babies at the mercy of men who are looking to abuse and trick them. OP I've had no-strings-attached arrangements before and very satisfactory and fun they were too. It is up to every adult to take responsibility for themselves. I find it amazing that emme suggests its OPs fault if the lady became emotionally attached after sex. AGAIN, if she knows this about herself, it is HER own responsibility to hold back. It's not OP's job to mind read that she has certain expectations. Saying it is his responsibility is manipulative. Oh and BTW emme men are just as capable of reading too much into sex as women. Both sexes are capable of using, both sexes are capable of manipulating etc. OP, I hope things went well. Please realise you have dont nothing wrong. To me it sounds like the lady involved was a bit pushy and it got way out of hand too quick. There is nothing immature about that.

cafecolour

OP - if you've been single for a while, then you are very used to being able to do what you want and having things how you like them - without having to consider anyone else. That makes adjusting to a relationship (and considering someone else) extra hard.

LegacyUser

Cafecolour you're absolutely right, I'm used to having a lot of my own space and freedom, and now it's different. I think thats a major reason for me opening this thread. We spoke about that last night, and it's all fine. We're going to take it *fairly* casual and see where it goes.

This girl is quite strog minded and she can take care of herself (not that I would ever intend to hurt her). So I'm looking forward to giving it another while anyway.

As for the great feminism debates, I'll leave that to others.