Valid reasons to break up?

Hannaho

I was going out with a guy for about 2 months. Saw each other on weekends. Everyone says he is really nice. He's 55 - ten years older than me. He has only had a 3 month relationship in 11 years since his wife left. His wife had an affair behind his back for about 6 months. When we met first he was very insistent in coming to stay in my house (lives down the country). I was uncomfortable with this but eventually let him stay. I was also very uncomfortable because he sent me lots of suggestive texts beforehand. Very shy when he got there and nervous. He said his brothers were too far on the other side of the city and taxi's cost too much. He was joking, because he is very well off. Then next evening when we met up again he suddenly had a dying relative he had to go and see so our plans got cancelled. Relative didn't die untill 2 weeks later. The next time he came up we went for a drink and then a walk to Dalkey and lunch next day. Had hardly any conversation at all, and didn't ask me any questions. He said he had to leave early as he goes for a drink with the lads and goes to bed early on Sunday nites. Felt he was looking for a shag buddy and that he wasn't really into me. Asked him, and he said he wasn't looking for a relationship just casual. Said I was looking for a relationship where I could eventually go on holidays with someone, but definitely didn't want marraige or anything like that. Said he would call during the week. He did. We met up again. I went down to him (its every second weekend) and stayed in my cousin's house. Suggestive texts started the day before - was I ready and waiting for him, how good was my imagination, and to get imagining what he would do to me that night! I was a bit intimidated - but felt a bit stupid about being so. We met went out for a meal - reasonable conversation - but when I talked about a subject close to my heart he didn't seem interested. Got home, good sex. Next day we went sightseeing in the area. Some conversation, however no hand holding etc. even in countryside. I felt as if he was just going through the motions. Got home, nite of passion but afterwards no cuddling etc. He just got up and went downstairs to watch T.V. I felt like I was a prostitute or something, that he was just buying dinner (which he insisted on doing) so he could just have guilt-free sex. I said I wanted to go back to the city. He offered to take me to the local. I said I didn't think so. I asked to talk about the relationship and what was going on. He said I didn't react the same as him and it wouldn't work long term. He didn't think he could change. I said fine that I wanted a nurturing easy going relationship. He said I was too 'genuine' for me. He suggested remaining in contact. I said no. Feel lots of things, on my part, were left unsaid, e.g. that I felt he had no interest in me and it was just sex and that was why I wanted to go back to Dublin.

Wondered what you all would make of this. Other people say he is very shy. Had rung me up one time drunk and told me he loved me in early hours. Was thinking of writing a letter to clarify what I thought and why I was upset. Had told him I was upset before about the suggestive texts, but he still kept sending them. Feel it was too early to be doing so. He said he could be my sugar daddy at one stage. I said |I was a bit insulted and he said he was only referring to our age difference.

Does anyone have any idea why there is so much miscommunication, or am my expectations ott.

Really sorry for long, long post.

Distorted

I would go with your gut instincts. He's not going to actually come out and say he is only after sex, is he? He's given you your answer though - he doesn't think it woudl work long term. Maybe he has difficulty in showing affection, maybe thats why his wife had an affair - looking for affection elsewhere. But you don't seem to be enjoying his company ie the way he behaves.

I wouldn't read too much into him being shy - he is a mature adult and will have had plenty of life experience to get over shyness by now. I think some people hide behind an act of shyness sometimes to be slightly socially lazy.

seenitall

In the time that you spent together, OP, did this guy make you feel good, emotionally? Did he make you feel wanted for yourself (as opposed wanted in order that he gets his kicks)? Did he make any attempt to show you you could be special to him?

It doesn't sound like he did any of that. It sounds like he wants sex but no relationship or commitment, and you, actually, sound like you want a secure relationship. It's a bad fit, OP. Move on. Keep looking (if you like). But this man just sounds like trouble and heartache waiting to happen for you.

(Oh, and him being seen to be "nice", "shy" and what-not is neither here or there, I hope you can see that. Absolutely nothing to do with how compatible with each other you are.)

Best wishes.

Zen65

Hannaho wrote: »

Does anyone have any idea why there is so much miscommunication, or am my expectations ott.

The reason for the miscommunication was that he wanted to avoid being honest with you until after you had sex together. I'm fairly sure (based on what you describe) that he's neither able nor willing to provide the nurturing relationship you want.

Your expectations are reasonable and there are many men out there who could give you what you want. However, this man will not.

It was fun, you've learned enough about him now, move on.

Be at peace,

Z

Ickle Magoo

So far you've described feeling uncomfortable, intimidated, stupid, prostituted, upset and insulted - that's two months of seeing him on weekends. That doesn't sound like a great relationship regardless of the levels of communication.

Some people just aren't compatible, whether because of expectations or personality clashes, I don't think it really matters other than acknowledging that this relationship isn't working for you and moving on.

All the best. :cool:

Hannaho

Hi! Thanks to all of you for the advice. Def think this guy is not for me. He rang me last night and started saying that I was at fault because I was talking about a relationship when he wasn't ready. I only said could he tell me whether my current relationship with hime had relationship potential, or was it purely for sex. My friend always says aim one's standards high with men and relationships - it's only now I'm beginning to see what she means.

Hannaho

Hi! Lads and Lassie, just need some extra help with this one. Sent this guy a letter two weeks after we ended explaing that I felt that he had no interest in me as a person or in what I was doing with my life and that it seemed to be all about sex. I wished him well for future dating and said I would cut the suggestive texts thing as I thought most women didn't like them unless they knew a guy well. I said I didn't want a reply to the letter; that as he knew I was not a very good phone person as I was always off in a rush somewhere (single parent, working part-time and doing Phd!).

Didn't here anything form him untill I was down in my cousin's cottage in his village last weekend. After not acknowledging me when we met in our cars over Easter hols when I was in the villlage, he started beeping the horn and waving at me. Then on the Fri nite I got a txt saying he had just finished work (about 10.30 p.m.) and was going to the pub did we and the girls want to join him. I didn't get the txt until 1.30 a.m. when I was home from the girls nite out. I txt him back to say we could meet him tomorrow nite - that is me and my pals - in his loacl. He txt back to say he was going to stag nite in Beflast the following day for the rest of weekend. I said fine that I would be down on the 14th hiking with the local hill walking club and we could meet afterwards for a drink or two. Didn't think anything more of it. All friends were there so turned off my mob and didn't use it again untill the Tue morning (I often do this at weekends as it's a way of getting away from everything - as I often get overload from my busy life - he knows that I also turn off my phone when I'm doing work for my Phd). Opened my phone on Tue, didn't look at txts. Txted him back to say I hoped he had a nice weekend in Beflast, that I wouldn't be down on 14th now as something had come up (I'm seeing a guy I knew years ago, but didn't say this) and I would give him a ring for drink next time I was down. Got no reply, later looked at my txts saw a txt from him at 9.00 am on Sat morn saying stag was off. Phoned him then to say that I had just got his txt about the stag nite being called off. He was very cool with me, showed no interest in my life again even though I said I had gotten a much sought after new job, talked about what happened that he couldn't go to stag nite and what he did for weekend. Said he was coming up to Dublin to a party the next weekened. Didn't invite me to party or make any mention of meeting up. I took the hint and said I'd see him around.

Fast forward this Sat night - mob off again as it's the weekend and my kids are with their dad so looking forward to lots of peace and quite and seeing my new guy (old friend). At home alone at 1.30 a.m.. Phone rings twice, didn't get to it in time both times. Frantic as I think it's the kids dad rining to say that something is wrong with one of them, or that one of my elderly relatives may be ill. Did 1471 and discovered it was the number of the pub he was in and that the second time it was his mobile number. Fell gratefully back asleep but annoyed.

Next morning txtd him a very annoyed txt saying that a guy or ex who rings a girl in the early hours is usually looking for a cheap bed for the night or a booty call. I reminded him that I was mature, reasonably educated women didn't usually jump into bed for booty calls at the drop of a hat; that maybe the local gals were happy to do so but not me. I said that since we were just friends now I was happy to meet him during the daytime for coffee but nothing else; that the previous weekend I had been unsure about meeting up as I felt it was also a booty call; that if he called me again in the middle of the night (he knows I always go to bed early - even on Sat nite before 12 (suffer with med condition where I get very tired)- my new guy left about 11.30 p.m.) I would think he was a bit of a weirdo and would not acknowledge him in his local village at all.

So lads the text was a bit severe - but I got an awful fright being woken up at that hour of the morning; and I did feel it was a booty call.

He txted me the next day to say that he was deleting my number and would not be contacting me again. He couldnt understand why a simple text could lead to this reaction. Checked back my txts and there was one on the previous night from the pub about 11.00 just saying here was there. However, for me, it was the call at 1.30 a.m. that did it.

I txt back and explained that it was totally inappopriate to ring unannounced - having not arranged to meet up this weekend -at such a late hour; that I got a fright, thought something had happened to someone in my family and was alone in the house at the time. Stated I didn't want to fall out with him - its a very small village we holiday there regularly and everyone knows him - but that I felt he wad disrespecting me. Tried to telephone but he wouldn't answer phone or txt. Said I would call over to him to chat when I was down there over the summer.

Lads, was I incredibly unreasonable. Please advise and thanks for your help.

Ickle Magoo

I think he's miffed you've spelt out you won't be a booty call and is looking for a way out of being in contact where he doesn't look like a prize user/chump...

Delete his number and move on, he sounds like a complete dope. :cool:

seenitall

OP, you are a 45 year old woman. All this sounds like some teenage carry-on, I can barely believe it. Follow the guy's lead, delete him from your phone and delete anything to do with him from your memory. Forget about him.

Don't worry, he won't fall out with you, but if he deleted you from his contacts, all the better, don't you think? He's just feeling slightly guilty about being such a jerk and is all defensive about it because he doesn't know how to handle it. Help him out by cutting him out - once and for all (that means NEVER answering any of his calls or texts again - just in case he decides to "undelete" you on a lonely night...).

Best wishes.

Maple

He's not looking for a relationship, you are. It really is that simple.

Don't entertain him anymore, don't afford him any respect or consideration or anymore of your time. Because he is not considering you.

He has stated he doesn't want a relationship, you're not going to change his mind.

And if he does text you or booty call you, just ignore him. Don't waste any more of your time on this guy. Don't waste any more energy trying to figure him or his actions out. He's not the man for you.

And please don't call over to him when you're in his locality. You'd be making a fool of yourself trying to reason with this guy. Chalk it down to a bad experience and forget him.

Best of luck with your new guy, I hope that works out well for you.

shellyboo

Um... stop contacting him. You initiated contact again by sending a letter, you text him after the 1.30am phone call... stop inviting this man's attention if you don't want it. Yes, he's a bit of a twat, yes he only wanted one thing... so brush him off and move on.

Distorted

Well it just goes to show that your gut instincts were right all along. The bit where he said that he wasn't sure he was ready for a relationship - I was thinking at 55, he's not going to have that much more time to get ready for one! I agree that the very late night calls and texts are a bit sleazy. I think you replied out of politeness and because you weren't sure where you stood and thought you might be friends. I think now its best to completely block any contact from him. Don't bother being polite and replying. Sounds like you've got plenty of new stuff going on in your life anyway.

thecookingapple

Why are you justifying yourself to this thing?

Why do you feel the need to stay friends with him?

Why are you still contacting him?

you seem well educated and articulate, so please articulate to him that it was what it was, no hard feelings but its over and dont contact me again as i have a NEW BF.

LegacyUser

Hannaho you sound like a nice kind hearted person, maybe a bit too nice for your own good!
I am around the same age as you and I found dating a whole new world from when I was younger...I don't know if you might be just a bit new to it all like I was some years back.
I found that I had to really put myself first because it seemed many men over 40 were really able to spot a less experienced woman, and try to manipulate it to their advantage into short flings.
I was given some really good advice and I stuck to it..that was to take it very slowly and make sure that I made it clear that the relationship "talk" had to take place before I got intimate after many dates. This is because I am soft hearted and would find it hard to detach emotionally after being sexually involved.
This man clearly liked you and enjoyed your company. As long as you don't set boundaries he will push the limits. You told him you weren't looking for marriage....instead of saying this I usually say that I want a serious partner. I found that I have been asked about my view on marriage as a way to gauge if I want just a sex thing (especially in the over 50s).
I would not contact him again unless you hear from him. He seemed to react when you stood up for yourself with the letter..good for you! If you run into him and he wants to chat then grand. I would tell him you are dating others (it is none of his business who you date).
But do not call over to his house , he has your number so can't he dial it? He remembered it late one night
Sorry for big ramble and hope you stop being so kind hearted and feeling bad for looking after yourself.

LegacyUser

Asked him, and he said he wasn't looking for a relationship just casual.

Where is the ambiguity in that? He was clear with you from the start he just wanted sex. He is not tricking/misleading you as you seem to be suggesting.

I am a woman and anyone with a pair of ears can see this man just wanted a 'casual' relationship ie sex. There is nothing wrong with that. It really bothers me when people cry that they are being used when the nature of the relationship was MADE CLEAR from the start. Sex was what was on offer, you didn't have to continue seeing him if you didn't want this. Or were you secretly hoping to 'convert' it into a relationship?

I am not sure why you are pretending he never said that it was just casual and that he is somehow 'using' you.

You can't choose to ignore the blunt truth he gave you and then play the victim that you were used.

It is important to LISTEN to what people say. You can't just ignore the bits you don't like and try to mould it into what you want and then complain later. That's disingenuous.

You both want different things. Learn to listen better.

fungun

His social life sounds odd for a man of 55, but maybe thats just me.

You are not being unreasonable. And I dont see why you feel the onus is on you to explain yourself to be honest, or you feel that you dont want to fall out. He should feel that too. If it was me I would delete his number, block it maybe, and just forget about the whole thing.


One thing Id note in your writing though. If a man tries to use a woman for a booty call and she has self confidence she says 'F off' and just moves on. Justifying your saying no to him by texting or calling to explain or saying you are worth more than that kinda suggests confidence issues.....and kind of hints at the fact that if he puts in a bit more effort you might be ok with it.
Bollocks to that, dont be apologetic; get in touch once if you feel you have to but be annoyed with him (not apologetic) and then move on quickly.

Hannaho

Hi! Everyone thanks for all the replies. Very helpful and really appreciated!

Sunflower - yes I agree he's very childish, even his whole think about going to the pub every evening and stag nites etc. I did say in my txt that I don't think we'd have much in common as friends as I didn't want to be doing the same thing socially now as I was at 17.

Humangoing - I was quite happy to know where I stood with him and don't expect him to change at all. I worte to him initially because when I said I wanted to go back home on the last weekend with him, he wouldn't let me explain why I wanted to leave - because I felt lonely in his company and there was no affection etc. He went on about me having a 'paddy' and drama queens. Drama queen is definitely not my style, but I do value being able to explain my point of view to people.

However, I would like to be friends or at least be on speaking terms. The village where he lives and my cousin has his house is very samll - two pubs and one shop. I spend most of the summer down there with my friends and family and my kids also. When I am around the village and we don't go anywhere, I could see his van and him about four or five times a day. He and his friends drink in the local pub. Everyone knows him and thinks he is god as he used to have a large construction business and employed a lot of the locals.

Fungun - definitely agree that I need to open my eyes re. him. Will delete his no now and just hope that we will be able to pass each other in the village.

Thanks again to all of you for taking the time to reply.

MissOphelia

Despite the attraction on both sides you're both looking for different levels of commitment and different things. He's not going to change so its up to you..either see him on his terms or give him the boot.

I wouldn't want to be on speaking terms with him tbh, it will just encourage him to pursue you even more and put you in the pile marked 'conquests'

Good luck

LegacyUser

I think you are overthinking it. I don't think he's interested in being friends. Just say hello and pass on your way if you see him.