Girlfriend Does not Like idea of having Kids

zero51

My girlfriend does not like the idea of having kids much but I want us to have kids someday.
She said that she might but that we need to discuss it in 4 or 5 years time.
That seems a long time to me. We are both nearly 30 years old.

I really love her but I am worried that this issue will become a strain on our relationship.
Somedays its all I can think of and Im getting so fed up with asking myself the same question: "what if we never have kids?"
I would like her to tell me there is a good chance, I would even be happy to adopt a child.

I think I will talk to her again but Im not sure it will solve anything or if I will like the answer.

common sense brigade

that we need to discuss it in 4 or 5 years time

This is not fair on you. at age 30 in 5 years time what if she decides she definitley not having kids and you wasted the last 5 years hoping. you must get her to commit to having children in a few years time. if she cant commit to that then you have to ask urself. Is she Miss Right?

mood

common sense brigade wrote: »

This is not fair on you. at age 30 in 5 years time what if she decides she definitley not having kids and you wasted the last 5 years hoping. you must get her to commit to having children in a few years time. if she cant commit to that then you have to ask urself. Is she Miss Right?

I agree. This would be a deal breaker for me - both waiting 5 years for an answer (she can't expect you to wait like that) and not having kids.

I think it's important to find a partner who wants the same as you with regards the issue of having/not having kids. Otherwise if the relationships continues one person has to give in and could end up resenting the other. It's not something you can compromise on!

You need to really think about if this relationship is worth pursuing.

How long are you together and is this the first time the issue of kids has come up?

seamus

I don't think the question here is so much as "Do you want to have kids" as "Why don't you want to have kids now".

At 30, she has probably more-or-less made her mind up about the children question. She doesn't necessarily have to want children tomorrow, but if her reasoning behind it is that she's not crazy on the idea, then there's little reason to assume that her attitude will change in the next five years.
On the other hand, if she's unsold on the children question because she feels that she has more she wants to do with her life or she doesn't think it's the right time for you both, then that suggests it's likely in the future.

It's proper talk time. And not "Ah I'll think about it" or, "We'll see in a few years". A proper talk where you both outline your positions on how you feel about children. As you say, you have to be prepared though to hear something you don't want to hear.

Distorted

OP - which do you like more? Your girlfriend, or having kids?

liah

Did she tell you she wanted kids when you started going out? Or has she always said she didn't want them from the get-go?

prinz

Decision time is now tbh. You really need to sort it out sooner rather than later. Returning to the issue in five years time is a non-runner in my book. If you don't like where it is going you have to re-evaluate the relationship and your participation in it.

zero51

Thanks for the help
We are going out around 1 year, we hadnt talked about kids until when I mentioned it recently
Im really crazy about this girl and I dont want to have to choose between her and a baby.

mood

zero51 wrote: »

Thanks for the help
We are going out around 1 year, we hadnt talked about kids until when I mentioned it recently
Im really crazy about this girl and I dont want to have to choose between her and a baby.

It could come to that. Would either of you really be happy if one of you had to have kids or not have kids to keep the other happy??? It's best to know the score now after a year. Putting off hearing her honest answer for 5 years won't help and is unfair on both of you.

common sense brigade

have you discussed marriage? it could be she might want marriage before kids. just a thought

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Im surprised no one else has had this opinion so far: your both still in your twenties and have only been together a year, whats the big rush to have children?
Im 30 and would like kids someday but I wouldnt neccessarily consider a one year relationship secure enough yet to consider it a pressing issue.

seamus

idler wrote: »

Im surprised no one else has had this opinion so far: your both still in your twenties and have only been together a year, whats the big rush to have children?

I don't think he's in a rush to have children now, but from the time you've had "the conversation", then set yourselves up to accomodate a child, then gone through the "motions" as it were, to pregnancy and childbirth you could be looking at the best part of two years. Which puts them both in their late 30's before they've had their first child. Nothing wrong with that at all, but it's generally accepted that 35 is the age after which childbearing becomes increasingly risky for women (and the child). So if someone is planning on having children, general consensus is to have children (or start having children) before 35 if it's feasible.

On the other hand if she turns around in 5 years and decides "nope", then he has to start again, an older man looking to find a woman of his own age who is willing to have children.

At the moment he has no idea what her plan is. I think it's fair that they're honest with eachother.

LegacyUser

OP I am in the same position as you but I am female. Have been with bf for a few years now and presumed that marriage and babies were next on our agenda but when we talked about it lately he was giving me the "maybe down the line" spiel too. I'm even older than you OP so time is limited and I think it's an unfair position to put us in. We agreed to carry on as normal for now and revisit the whole area in six months or so. I love this man with all my heart and i know he loves me but at the same time I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility in six months time that he will still feel the same in which case I will have to seriously consider ending it before my time has run out.

Another problem though is that if it comes to that and I leave him (or you leave your girlfriend) because of this issue, by the time we've met new people, formed new relationships and been with them long enough to want to go down that road with them, it could well be too late anyway. Which means the heartbreak could all be for nothing and we could still come out worse off in the end.

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

Sorry to bring you down OP,it's just I feel your pain and know what you're going through. Wish I could advise but I'm looking for advice myself!

zero51

Marriage is a seperate issue for both of us.
I am not in a rush to start a family but I would like to be more certain that what I want and what she wants are the same.
She has talked to me about it and she hasnt definately said no, just no to having a baby now. Her answer was a maybe later.
Thats fine because I dont want to have a baby either for a few years but I cant stop worrying about this question.
Its doing my head in!
I think I just need to talk to her and tell she how much this uncertainty is upsetting me.

mood

idler wrote: »

Im surprised no one else has had this opinion so far: your both still in your twenties and have only been together a year, whats the big rush to have children?
Im 30 and would like kids someday but I wouldnt neccessarily consider a one year relationship secure enough yet to consider it a pressing issue.

The OP said in his original post that they are both 30. I don't think it's a case of the OP wanting kinds now with this girl. I think he wants to know if she wants kids or not in the future. I think it's a fair question. You need to know if a relationship has a future or not and if you want the same things in life.

mood

Babylove100 wrote: »

Another problem though is that if it comes to that and I leave him (or you leave your girlfriend) because of this issue, by the time we've met new people, formed new relationships and been with them long enough to want to go down that road with them, it could well be too late anyway. Which means the heartbreak could all be for nothing and we could still come out worse off in the end.

But adoption would be an option if it was too late but BOTH partners want kids.

Not having kids because you can't and not having kids because your OH doesn't want any are totally different situations IMO.

OP you definitely need to know if kids are an option or not. It's not unreasonably to want to know. Is it possible she is hoping that in 5 years time it will be too late?

Fluorescence

Can you ask her if she ever sees herself having kids in the future? If not, well, you know what to do.

LegacyUser

OP, the woman is 30. She has her mind made up, she just doesn't want to give you a definitive answer as she knows in doing so, it'll be ending the relationship and she clearly doesn't feel like doing that right now.

Her mind isn't going to change. Women generally know early whether they want or don't want kids, if she says at 30 she doesn't think she does, then it's time for you to pick between the woman and a childless future, or singledom while you look for someone who will spawn your child.

You can tell by your behaviour in this thread that you're deeply involved with the woman, you start out saying she doesn't like the idea of having kids, then start to make excuses to yourself later in the thread saying she just doesn't want them right now. She isn't going to have kids, that's something you've got to accept and make an evaluation as to your next move.

Personally I don't see the need to have children either, we've an overpopulated planet and when you consider the simplicity behind breeding, and the number of children born per day, not one single child is the little miracle they're made out to be and I can't see why people are so pushed on them that they'd leave a potential life partner, a potential soul mate for the rest of their lives over it. Regardless, best of luck with whichever way you turn at this fork in the road.

common sense brigade

Personally I don't see the need to have children either, we've an overpopulated planet and when you consider the simplicity behind breeding, and the number of children born per day, not one single child is the little miracle they're made out to be and I can't see why people are so pushed on them that they'd leave a potential life partner, a potential soul mate for the rest of their lives over it

You will never actually know what love really is until you have your own child. sorry but its true. Love between a man and a woman is transient and ever changing. The love for your child is the strongest emotion you will ever feel. The reason we are here is to create life and be good and teach our children as much as we can. Ireland is not over populated and much of the world is still underpopulated. Every child is a miracle.

bronte

InYourEndo wrote: »

OP, the woman is 30. She has her mind made up, she just doesn't want to give you a definitive answer as she knows in doing so, it'll be ending the relationship and she clearly doesn't feel like doing that right now.

Her mind isn't going to change. Women generally know early whether they want or don't want kids, if she says at 30 she doesn't think she does, then it's time for you to pick between the woman and a childless future, or singledom while you look for someone who will spawn your child.

You can tell by your behaviour in this thread that you're deeply involved with the woman, you start out saying she doesn't like the idea of having kids, then start to make excuses to yourself later in the thread saying she just doesn't want them right now. She isn't going to have kids, that's something you've got to accept and make an evaluation as to your next move.

Personally I don't see the need to have children either, we've an overpopulated planet and when you consider the simplicity behind breeding, and the number of children born per day, not one single child is the little miracle they're made out to be and I can't see why people are so pushed on them that they'd leave a potential life partner, a potential soul mate for the rest of their lives over it. Regardless, best of luck with whichever way you turn at this fork in the road.

Op, I have been in your girlfriend's position and I agree, you need a definite answer from her. It isn't fair otherwise. It's likely she knows for definite at this age and if she does it is not going to help either of you by not being truthful.
I totally agree with what the above poster said, but you need to come to your own conclusion.

common sense brigade

To add on the off thread issue of overpopulation sorry!

while the one-billionth citizen of India was born last year, Japan, if it continues its current abortion policies and fails to raise its average birth rate of 1.4 children per married couple, will have fewer than 500 people by the year 3000. This is not a prophecy of the mad Aum Shinrikyo cult, but rather a pronouncement of Japan's Ministry of Health and Welfare.


With fertility rates low and anti-foreigner sentiment rising in Europe, the United Nations recently released a study that suggests Europe will need mass migration from the Third World to populate it. The report, written by the United Nations Population Division, states that South Korea, Japan, Europe and Russia are facing population crunches.

The major cities in Asia -- Bangkok, Seoul, Singapore, Tokyo and Hong Kong -- are overpopulated, but prosperous nevertheless. Overpopulation does not lead to poverty. The one child policy in Asian countries will is alreadyleading to a population crisis.
Read more: The overpopulation lie http://www.wnd.com/?pageId=5695#ixzz1HKa20ZmZ

Darlughda

common sense brigade wrote: »

You will never actually know what love really is until you have your own child. sorry but its true. Love between a man and a woman is transient and ever changing. The love for your child is the strongest emotion you will ever feel. The reason we are here is to create life and be good and teach our children as much as we can. Ireland is not over populated and much of the world is still underpopulated. Every child is a miracle.

Bullshít. That's your own narrow view and explanation of your values and meaning of life. It is not a universal truth nor are any of your views shared by many other people.

metrovelvet

common sense brigade wrote: »

You will never actually know what love really is until you have your own child. sorry but its true. Love between a man and a woman is transient and ever changing. The love for your child is the strongest emotion you will ever feel. The reason we are here is to create life and be good and teach our children as much as we can. Ireland is not over populated and much of the world is still underpopulated. Every child is a miracle.

Not true. Some people dont love their kids.

common sense brigade

Bullshít. That's your own narrow view and explanation of your values and meaning of life.

highly insulting. i was not trying to insult you or anyone. perhaps you are the narrow minded one.

Some people dont love their kids.

agreed but in general most people love their kids.

dudara

Posters - be civil!

dudara

Darlughda

common sense brigade wrote: »

. i was not trying to insult you or anyone. perhaps you are the narrow minded one.

Actually it is highly insulting and narrow minded of you to suggest that 'we' (whoever we are), exist on this planet primarily to reproduce.

How dare you make the assumption that the greatest love is the bond between a child and parent?It is a different form of love, that is all.

It is also infuriating that some people think it is okay to suggest that children should be the centre focus of everybody's life. Teach them?? Leave that to the parents and those who choose to be teachers.

As for being 'good', well if that isn't just a loaded term or moral subjectivity......

OP, I cannot have children and neither do I want them.
However, it wasn't until the last couple of years that I felt that I could be honest about wanting to live a child free life.

Like your girlfriend, I used to say I wasn't sure, when deep down I was ambivalent and thought ah sure, if it happens, and if I'm with someone who really wants a child it will be fine.
I am so glad that it could not just happen. Unfortunately pregnancy does happen for too many people while they are still ambivalent.
Nowadays, I would rarely even date a man who was remotely unsure about the children question.It's just far too important to know what you want or don't on that issue.

A book I would recommend that bought you and your girlfriend read while coming to your individual decisions is Childfree and loving it!, by Nicki Defago.

zero51

im going to talk to my girlfriend in the next few days.
I will keep you posted!!

SheRa

common sense brigade wrote: »

You will never actually know what love really is until you have your own child. sorry but its true. Love between a man and a woman is transient and ever changing. The love for your child is the strongest emotion you will ever feel. The reason we are here is to create life and be good and teach our children as much as we can. Ireland is not over populated and much of the world is still underpopulated. Every child is a miracle.

What about couples that can't or decide not to have a child? I'm sorry but for many people, the purpose of life is not focused on having a child, people have different goals. i just think that your post is slightly insensitive and could easily rub some posters up the wrong way.

Anyway, back to the op. She is either saying she doesnt know because she genuinely does not know if/when she wants kids, and may never know, or she doesnt want them and wont say as she feels that she may loose you.

Maybe she will never know for certain, and really a non decision like this will eventually make it too late for her to have kids, so you have to decide what timeframe, sorry if that sounds a bit clinical, in your own mind, that you can give her.

You may have to choose between being with her or having a baby.

Maple

Folks, as per Dudara's warning, please keep it civil. This is the last time we'll be issuing on thread warnings.

Maple.

Distorted

common sense brigade wrote: »

You will never actually know what love really is until you have your own child. sorry but its true. Love between a man and a woman is transient and ever changing. The love for your child is the strongest emotion you will ever feel. The reason we are here is to create life and be good and teach our children as much as we can. Ireland is not over populated and much of the world is still underpopulated. Every child is a miracle.

Its not really an issue of under or over-population though, is it? Its a question of priorities, and how they affect this particular couple.

common sense brigade

What do you think the reason is Ireland is under-populated now?

Distorted most rural areas of Ireland are not overpopulated. certainly some bigger towns and cities are but for the most part Ireland is not an over populated country , prob due to the fact that most couples now have an average of 2 children as opposed to 50 years ago when 7 or 8 was completely normal.
Why do you think Ireland is overpopulated?, if you do.

LegacyUser

Guys, when I said the world is overpopulated and the numbers of humans are growing too rapidly, I was referring to consumption vs resources and our ability to cope as a species. We are growing at too quick a rate, as outlined http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Overpopulation#Resources and its many sources. The planet cannot cope if we continue to breed at this rate, so people abstaining from procreation are indeed doing the earth a favour.

With regards to the argument that the love for a child surpasses the love for anything or anyone in the world, I absolutely disagree and it's a very insulting point of view to maintain given that quite a number of couples actively do not want to have children.

ztoical

OP your just going to have to be up front and direct. State clearly you don't want kids now but it is something you do want to have down the road. It sounds like this is a deal breaker for you so be ready to walk away from the relationship if she either says she doesn't want kids or tries to put the topic off for a number of years. Frankly it's not fair on either of you as you don't want the same things from the relationship. I know 100% that I don't want kids, have been clear about this in any relationship I've been in and did finish a relationship when they stated they wanted kids and expected me to change my mind 'down the road'.

common sense brigade wrote: »

Distorted most rural areas of Ireland are not overpopulated. certainly some bigger towns and cities are but for the most part Ireland is not an over populated country , prob due to the fact that most couples now have an average of 2 children as opposed to 50 years ago when 7 or 8 was completely normal.
Why do you think Ireland is overpopulated?, if you do.

Over or under population is not judge by the actual numbers of people in a location but the numbers of people vs the means to sustain said population in that habitat. Resources such as fresh water and food do not match the current size of the worlds population. While parts of Ireland might have low populations living there the resources to maintain said population have to be brought in from outside both the area and the country so therefore the poplulation of that area is not able to sustain itself independently. Increased population effects the whole world as it puts strain on the ecosytem and increases carbon dioxide and pollution and is a major area of study and concern.

Silverfish

Distorted and Common Sense Brigade, take it to pm or to Humanities.

Off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please keep replies helpful to the OP.

Thank you.

mood

SheRa wrote: »

What about couples that can't or decide not to have a child? I'm sorry but for many people, the purpose of life is not focused on having a child, people have different goals. i just think that your post is slightly insensitive and could easily rub some posters up the wrong way.

I am someone who want's children but I respect couples who choose not to have children. It's their decision and their life choice. However, I do feel it is important to have a partner who want the same as you do with regard to the children issue. One person in the relationship would probably be miserable with the outcome whatever is decided and that's not right.

Neyite

You dont need to make your mind up now. If you were a female you might have to decide now, but as a male you dont. You dont have a biological clock. Women do, so they do need to decide in their thirties whereas you have a bit of time on your side.

So give yourself time to think about this more. It wont cost you.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Neyite wrote: »

You dont need to make your mind up now. If you were a female you might have to decide now, but as a male you dont. You dont have a biological clock. Women do, so they do need to decide in their thirties whereas you have a bit of time on your side.

So give yourself time to think about this more. It wont cost you.

The only caveat I would say there is that it obviously takes two to create a baby. If she comes out in 5 years times and states she definitely doesn't want a baby and the OP definitely does, well he'll have to find another woman.

May as well discuss it openly, especially seeing as they are not teenagers.

My GF (23) and I (28) of 8 months accidently discussed it about two months ago, not even sure how it came up. I was quite surprised we ended up discussing each others opinions on having kids but it made sense in the end. It would definitely have an impact on things if we didn't have the same opinions.

Good luck OP.

mood

Jay Lively Urine wrote: »

The only caveat I would say there is that it obviously takes two to create a baby. If she comes out in 5 years times and states she definitely doesn't want a baby and the OP definitely does, well he'll have to find another woman.

May as well discuss it openly, especially seeing as they are not teenagers.

And you can't assume the OP will meet a younger woman in the future.
It would also be easier on both to end it now rather than in five years time if that what it comes to that.

um7y1h83ge06nx

mood wrote: »

And you can't assume the OP will meet a younger woman in the future.
It would also be easier on both to end it now rather than in five years time if that what it comes to that.

True, true.