Friend who constantly contradicts me?

alexa5x5

Hi,

I have a problem with a good friend of mine (who’s also my colleague). If where having a discussion that requires me to voice a belief or opinion on something she always contradicts me. I’ve know her for over 5 years but it’s only in the last 3 that I’ve really noticed it. It seems lately that no matter what I say she will go the opposite of me, to rub me up the wrong way, or to piss me off, I just don’t know.

It goes from disagreeing with actual documented facts that I might quote (we work in a science field and I might quote a scientific paper), to complete mundane things like, I think X car is great; she will say its rubbish.

Just reading this now, it might seem like a really childish silly thing to be upset about, but when everything you say is shot down, it really begins to make you feel $hit. We work within the same small department that sits together for breaks/lunch, so because she’s doing this in front of our peers I feel like I can’t get involved in conversations any more because I know she will belittle what I have to say.

Like I said we have been friends for years, she’s a good friend in every other way but this in really starting to get to me. Why do you think she does this? Have you ever experienced someone like this?

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL

This is the advice forum, OP.

Best of luck :cool:

ManOfMystery

alexa5x5 wrote: »

Hi,

I have a problem with a good friend of mine (who’s also my colleague). If where having a discussion that requires me to voice a belief or opinion on something she always contradicts me. I’ve know her for over 5 years but it’s only in the last 3 that I’ve really noticed it. It seems lately that no matter what I say she will go the opposite of me, to rub me up the wrong way, or to piss me off, I just don’t know.

It goes from disagreeing with actual documented facts that I might quote (we work in a science field and I might quote a scientific paper), to complete mundane things like, I think X car is great; she will say its rubbish.

Just reading this now, it might seem like a really childish silly thing to be upset about, but when everything you say is shot down, it really begins to make you feel $hit. We work within the same small department that sits together for breaks/lunch, so because she’s doing this in front of our peers I feel like I can’t get involved in conversations any more because I know she will belittle what I have to say.

Like I said we have been friends for years, she’s a good friend in every other way but this in really starting to get to me. Why do you think she does this? Have you ever experienced someone like this?

Some people simply have to belittle others to make themselves feel better and more superior. It's a bullying tactic really, albeit a very sly and inconspicuous one.

You have 3 options from how I see it -

1) Take the higher ground, and ignore her - she's obviously lacking in something in her own life if she has to run down your thoughts and opinions on things to validate her own beliefs.

2) Give her a taste of her own medicine, and see how she likes it when you belittle her beliefs.

3) Bring her up on it, and ask her what her problem is.

Option 4 is to cut her out of your life, but as you work with her and I have to assume she also has some redeeming qualities as your friend, there's no point in suggesting this.

Abi

alexa5x5 wrote: »

Hi,

I have a problem with a good friend of mine (who’s also my colleague). If where having a discussion that requires me to voice a belief or opinion on something she always contradicts me. I’ve know her for over 5 years but it’s only in the last 3 that I’ve really noticed it. It seems lately that no matter what I say she will go the opposite of me, to rub me up the wrong way, or to piss me off, I just don’t know.

It goes from disagreeing with actual documented facts that I might quote (we work in a science field and I might quote a scientific paper), to complete mundane things like, I think X car is great; she will say its rubbish.

Just reading this now, it might seem like a really childish silly thing to be upset about, but when everything you say is shot down, it really begins to make you feel $hit. We work within the same small department that sits together for breaks/lunch, so because she’s doing this in front of our peers I feel like I can’t get involved in conversations any more because I know she will belittle what I have to say.

Like I said we have been friends for years, she’s a good friend in every other way but this in really starting to get to me. Why do you think she does this? Have you ever experienced someone like this?

You are going to have to bring this up with her, if you want to remain friends with her. You've been letting her away with this behaviour for years, so she believes she's allowed to do this to you. I wouldn't get into specific incidents with her, because she's likely to argue shes right again. Thats not what this is about. Just tell her that shes a great friend in every other way, but it upsets you. If she's a good friend she might say something like she wasn't aware she made you feel that way. If she rows with you about it, let it settle for a bit and she might come right. If not, then I'd rethink how good a friend she really is.

I never had a friend that did this to me, but my mother still tries this with me. As I got older I learned how to deal with her. Some people just aren't happy unless you agree with them. I'd tell her shes wrong, and won't hear from me again till she accepts Im entitled to my own opinion.

unclejunior

op i live with a girl who is exactly like what u have pointed out.

people like that are just bullies in my opinion. the girl i live with is doing a phd and feels like there is some sort of hierarchy in the house with her on top.
your best off avoiding people like this. their negative and their negativity is contageous

LegacyUser

As all above have said, thats bullying tactics.She has her head up etc and I can bet she's unhappy with something in herself.Bullies project this to be on top.
Blank her<as in verbal disconnection>, ie dont feed her anything.You feed a bully they throw it back at you as a weapon.. seems your the one who is a threat to her oddly. Also be cool, don't let this eat you up. Be strong and take control of situation avoiding direct conflict. good luck .)

alexa5x5

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Some people simply have to belittle others to make themselves feel better and more superior. It's a bullying tactic really, albeit a very sly and inconspicuous one.

You have 3 options from how I see it -

1) Take the higher ground, and ignore her - she's obviously lacking in something in her own life if she has to run down your thoughts and opinions on things to validate her own beliefs.

2) Give her a taste of her own medicine, and see how she likes it when you belittle her beliefs.

3) Bring her up on it, and ask her what her problem is.

Option 4 is to cut her out of your life, but as you work with her and I have to assume she also has some redeeming qualities as your friend, there's no point in suggesting this.

She really does have a lot of redeeming features. She’s a good listener, she can be very patient, she’s generous, and always makes time for me if I’m having a problem and need advice. This is the only area that I can fault her on. I have discussed this with others that also know her and their opinion is that it to do with the fact that she’s very (and I mean VERY) competitive. She has to be the best in every thing she does. I pretty laid back so maybe this is the only way she can compete with me.
Thank you for your advice.

Malari

Is she definitely rubbishing the things you say or would it also be a case of being "devil's advocate"? Becuase I have had a friend like that and for a long time I didn't really notice it. In the past few years my boyfriend pointed it out.

If I complain about anything - and I mean anything from a customer in work, to my sister, to a movie I saw, to the weather - she will defend them to the hilt. It's actually very annoying but I don't think she's doing it out of badness. Having discussed it a lot with my boyfriend, I think she just doesn't like to be a part of any conversation that involves negativity and bitching.

Sometimes you just want to be able to moan about something and have a friend go "I know, isn't that awful!" no matter what she is thinking!

Is this something the girl does with anyone else, or just you? If you didn't really see if for years, maybe you don't see that it's not a personal thing she does with you? I think maybe bring it up in a very light-hearted way. have a small-talk conversation where you flit around 3 or 4 topics, then at the end point out that she's disagreed with everything so far and just laugh. See what her reaction is. She may not know she's doing it so blatantly.

santana75

Malari wrote: »

I think she just doesn't like to be a part of any conversation that involves negativity and bitching.

This is a very good point. If its the case that you are bitching and moaning OP then I'd have a look at that. But if hand on heart you're not engaging in any negativity or trying to put other people down then I can understand how your friends behaviour is annoying.
I had an ex girlfriend who was like your friend and it was draining to be around her. I had to eventually point out her behaviour to her and she took it very badly, its the reason why we broke up in the end.
The bottom line is everybody is entitled to their own opinion but theres a way to disagree with somebody without being disrespctful to them. Your freind sounds like a bull in a chinashop,she has no self awareness and is just not even bothering to think before she speaks. You definitely have to talk to her face to face about this. I know it wont be nice but confrontation rarely is. You just to remember that you didnt creat this situation, she did, she brought it on herself. So if she gets upset dont backdown, be firm.

LegacyUser

yeah, i had a friend like that. we met working in the same place, and were friends for about 6 years after. i use the past tense here because she's no longer my friend. i just couldn't be around her any longer. her negativity was making me feel so crap that eventually i used to dread being in her company. i just feel so stupid not noticing it sooner. when i met my OH he noticed it the first time he met her!

she'd ask me a question, i'd answer, then she'd spend 5 minutes telling me exactly how and why i was wrong. if we were shopping and i said that something was nice, she'd howl that it was disgusting. she had so many opinions about every tiny aspect of life, all of them negative and contradictory to mine. i saw it as being a control issue. she had this idea of how people round her should behave/act/speak that, when we didn't live up to that idea, she'd get frustrated and p*ss on us. if that makes sense. she didn't like it when one day i said ''hold on, you asked me for my opinion, and i gave it to you. i've never disrespected your opinion and it makes me feel like crap when you always disrespect mine.'' after that she became nastier, so one day a lightbulb went on in my head and i just stopped hanging round her. and honestly, i've been much happier since.

i know you can't do too much as you work with this girl, but you have to stand up to her. if she's a real and true friend she'll modify her behaviour. friends shouldn't like making their friends feel like crap!!

Katgurl

Yes I've been in this situation.

It was with a friend who got over-familiar with me. We were close within a group and then became extra close when we moved in together. I started to notice she disagreed, contradicted and belittled everything I said. The rest of the group still got the pleasant treatment. The only people who got the unpleasant treatment were me, a previous flatmate and her oldest friend. I couldn't cope with the constant criticsm and putdowns and was questioning myself. Then one day she was apologising to everyone forsomething minor (arriving late and being snappy) when one of our friends said jokingly "you didn't say sorry to katgurl" to which she replied that she didn't need apologise to me that I was her new (insert name of one of previous flatmate).

Like your friend, mine has lots of redeeeming qualities but is unfortunately very competitive. Mine competes for male attention and validation mainly... With all males - random men in bars, friends husbands, her brothers, my brothers, you name it. It was a constant effort to beat me. Having no interest myself in competing with anyone for attention I found this entirely pointless.

The only advice I can give you (because it worked for me) is to stand up to her each and every time. I don't mean engagewith the subject matter but rather draw attention to it saying things like "why are you saying that to me" / "but you would have contradicted me regardless of what I said" / "i think you just enjoy disagreeing with me" etc. Force her to question her actions.

Good luck. I managed to salvage all best aspects of our friendship and am very glad I did now.

Sardonicat

She is bullying you, pure and simple.

She is nice to you at times, especially when you have a problem and need advice, in order to keep her victim around. Knowing your problems also gives her (in her head) a bit of power.

Dump her.

IrishEyes19

This is going to be hard as it will probably cause awkwardness but it cant go on as you said, its a horrible feeling,

But you should pull her up on it, I find the best thing to do when people are like that, is nearly raise your eyebrows and say deliberately "god (insert name) that's a bit uncalled for. And keep doing it, finally on the third time, its all out guns, and you say

"look (insert name) this has been happening a bit too much in the last few years and I only let it go because we're supposed to be friends, but you're speaking down to me not only to my face but also in front my peers and it has to stop. Now look we've been friends for years and I value our friendship, so Im willing to let it go and let bygones be bygones, but it has to stop.

Im certain she will be gobsmacked and retort with "I didnt realise" or "Im really sorry, I didnt mean it."

Hopefully she'll get the point

Overheal

alexa5x5 wrote: »

She really does have a lot of redeeming features. She’s a good listener, she can be very patient, she’s generous, and always makes time for me if I’m having a problem and need advice. This is the only area that I can fault her on. I have discussed this with others that also know her and their opinion is that it to do with the fact that she’s very (and I mean VERY) competitive. She has to be the best in every thing she does. I pretty laid back so maybe this is the only way she can compete with me.
Thank you for your advice.

I would avoid stating things matter of factly. "It's the best car". Instead why not "I'ts my favorite car" or "It's Consumer Reports' top car of 2011" or something.

Scientist? She is probably just a stickler like me for things people say as if they were facts which aren't explicitly facts. Or is your example too vague and we're talking about more extreme cases of her contrariety?

Little Acorn

alexa5x5 wrote: »

Hi,

I have a problem with a good friend of mine (who’s also my colleague). If where having a discussion that requires me to voice a belief or opinion on something she always contradicts me. I’ve know her for over 5 years but it’s only in the last 3 that I’ve really noticed it. It seems lately that no matter what I say she will go the opposite of me, to rub me up the wrong way, or to piss me off, I just don’t know.

It goes from disagreeing with actual documented facts that I might quote (we work in a science field and I might quote a scientific paper), to complete mundane things like, I think X car is great; she will say its rubbish.

Just reading this now, it might seem like a really childish silly thing to be upset about, but when everything you say is shot down, it really begins to make you feel $hit. We work within the same small department that sits together for breaks/lunch, so because she’s doing this in front of our peers I feel like I can’t get involved in conversations any more because I know she will belittle what I have to say.

Like I said we have been friends for years, she’s a good friend in every other way but this in really starting to get to me. Why do you think she does this? Have you ever experienced someone like this?

How do you react when she does this OP? I hope you don't just stay quiet, or worse still just end up agreeing with her.
In the examples you have given I would have responded something like,

In regards to her rubbishing the science paper from your work,
"well you believe what you want to believe, however as I need to get this work done, I'm going to go with the people who have actually researched this enough to write the paper. If you have a different theory, then maybe write your own, for now I'll be going with the facts that have been established."

In regards to her saying that car you like is rubbish,
"really, you think? well each to their own I suppose but I know I love it anyways. Hope to get one of my own someday"

This can be done in a non confrontational way, but at the same time very clearly lets the person know, that 1.you are sticking to your opinion, 2.you are not going to be swayed into thinking their way just because they tell you to, and 3. you realise they have a different opinion, but you don't particularly care, as it's not going to make you suddenly agree with them unless they at least provide a good argument.

This is usually how I respond to people who disagree with me.
Obviously if it was a serious or particularly interesting topic relating to philosophy, or a discussion about a specific scenario, then I will listen to everyone's opinions, and sometimes people can give you another way of looking at things, or you could learn something new.

If it's the case though where I have someone tell me outright that I am wrong for just liking a particular film, or music, or or outfit, or something simple like that. Then I really just can't stand it.
I will let them know in no uncertain terms that their opinion is just that THEIR opinion, and my opinion is mine and is just as valid. [I actually say pretty much exactly that.]
Once people realise that you are not going to be bullied into agreeing, or put up with being constantly put down, then they usually ease up on the trying to force their opinion down your throat.
It doesn't have to be an argument either. Just firmly letting them know, that you can stand your ground.:)

alexa5x5

Overheal wrote: »

I would avoid stating things matter of factly. "It's the best car". Instead why not "I'ts my favorite car" or "It's Consumer Reports' top car of 2011" or something.

Scientist? She is probably just a stickler like me for things people say as if they were facts which aren't explicitly facts. Or is your example too vague and we're talking about more extreme cases of her contrariety?

I know the examples I gave aren’t that bad individually but when every single thing I say is challenged publicly every day, it adds up. Its hard to describe without sounding petty, but its a lot to do with the way she says thing, her attitude. And I know in my heart she agrees with me 50% of the time, but she just always goes the opposite of me.

Not sure what you meant with “Scientist?”. Maybe I didn’t explain properly, we are both chemists. For instance, a couple of weeks ago I quoted that X had explained Y theory, she said I was wrong it wasn’t X, I said I had just read the paper that day, still she swore I was wrong, there was no way I was right. She had no reason for disagreeing with me, she is in a slightly different field to me, but no she was right I was wrong. I check when I got back to my desk, and yes I was right, I said this to her and all she said was “oh really, sure I was only guessing anyway”. Like I said, this reads as something small and petty, but she just has to challenge everything I say.

alexa5x5

Little Acorn wrote: »

How do you react when she does this OP? I hope you don't just stay quiet, or worse still just end up agreeing with her.
In the examples you have given I would have responded something like,

In regards to her rubbishing the science paper from your work,
"well you believe what you want to believe, however as I need to get this work done, I'm going to go with the people who have actually researched this enough to write the paper. If you have a different theory, then maybe write your own, for now I'll be going with the facts that have been established."

In regards to her saying that car you like is rubbish,
"really, you think? well each to their own I suppose but I know I love it anyways. Hope to get one of my own someday"

This can be done in a non confrontational way, but at the same time very clearly lets the person know, that 1.you are sticking to your opinion, 2.you are not going to be swayed into thinking their way just because they tell you to, and 3. you realise they have a different opinion, but you don't particularly care, as it's not going to make you suddenly agree with them unless they at least provide a good argument.

This is usually how I respond to people who disagree with me.
Obviously if it was a serious or particularly interesting topic relating to philosophy, or a discussion about a specific scenario, then I will listen to everyone's opinions, and sometimes people can give you another way of looking at things, or you could learn something new.

If it's the case though where I have someone tell me outright that I am wrong for just liking a particular film, or music, or or outfit, or something simple like that. Then I really just can't stand it.
I will let them know in no uncertain terms that their opinion is just that THEIR opinion, and my opinion is mine and is just as valid. [I actually say pretty much exactly that.]
Once people realise that you are not going to be bullied into agreeing, or put up with being constantly put down, then they usually ease up on the trying to force their opinion down your throat.
It doesn't have to be an argument either. Just firmly letting them know, that you can stand your ground.:)

I afraid to say that yes when she contradicts me I do stay quiet. This wasn’t always the case, in the past I would challenge her and stand up for myself. But I guess over time she’s just worn me down, every group chat has turned into a battle of wills with her. Please don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with someone having a different opinion than me, or engaging in a conversation with someone with a differing opinion than myself. But with her it’s like she’s the only one with a valid opinion. She’s really bashed my confidence, I guess its time I stood up for myself. You and the other posters have given me some great advice, thanks so much.

Little Acorn

alexa5x5 wrote: »

I afraid to say that yes when she contradicts me I do stay quiet. This wasn’t always the case, in the past I would challenge her and stand up for myself. But I guess over time she’s just worn me down, every group chat has turned into a battle of wills with her. Please don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with someone having a different opinion than me, or engaging in a conversation with someone with a differing opinion than myself. But with her it’s like she’s the only one with a valid opinion. She’s really bashed my confidence, I guess its time I stood up for myself. You and the other posters have given me some great advice, thanks so much.

Yes, you will definitely have to start standing up for yourself again, or this will get even worse. At this stage she must think she can get away with anything.
It might be hard at first to get used to standing up for yourself, but it will get much easier the more you do it.

If explaining exactly how you feel doesn't work.
Or if sticking to your guns like the examples I gave don't work, and she continues to keep arguing with you regardless, then you could just try completely ignoring her as she rants on about how "wrong" you are.
I mean like, as she is talking you could just keep going through your work, or start messing with your phone.
She will likely say something like, "are you even listening to a word I'm saying", to which you could reply, "no, not really, got bored of your bickering a long time ago", then either change the conversation, or continue with what you were doing.
I would be more in favor of just voicing my opinion and sticking to it, but if she is an extremely argumentative person, she might just continue contradicting you regardless.
This is where it will take some perseverance on your part. I can see how it would be extremely tiresome, to have to be constantly trying to defend your opinion, and I can see why you eventually ended up just staying quiet.
As you can see though, staying quiet just lets her continue, you can't give up standing up for yourself. She should realize eventually, that she's not going to always "win" with you, and will get bored of trying.

If she doesn't respond to any action you try to resolve this, then she might not be worth keeping as a friend, if all she does is knock your confidence and aggravate you.
You could just see her as a work colleague, whom you are polite with but don't socialize with anymore.
I would hope this would be a last resort though, and that somehow the friendship can be fixed, by trying some of the methods suggested in this thread.
Good Luck OP.:)