boyfriend thinks im being unfair,am i?

TARAGROT

Ok,so basicly i feel stuck in a relationship that seems to be going no where fast.
I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost 9 yrs.We have a 6yr old son together and i have 2 other kids from a previous relationship.
My partner has taken to the role of 'daddy' very well and the kids love him,as they have no contact with their real father,they look to my partner as dad.
The problem is that he likes a gamble.He works part time and after work at 1pm,he will go to the bookies until 7 or 8 that night.
This is wearing me down,as its not only takeing up his time but he is always broke.

He gets money every month from the credit union,which without going into the details,is his money,but the court has decided to pay him so much a mth rather then give him the lumpsum,as he is imature with money.
I am on the dole,and depend on him to help out with money for the kids.
Thing is,he just spends his money in the bookies...im talking-friday=payday=200 or more out of his 260 wages gone on friday.The money he gets in credit union is used every month to pay back debts he has created over the previous mth,by borrowing to fund his habit.
He will then usually aproach me for a loan sometime around the weekend,and when i say i dont have it,he will act like a child by following me,causing fights,calling me a b*tch,basicly makeing everyone in the house unhappy.

Last week he rang me to ask would i meet him in town as he had thought he was working that day,but he was actually off.So i went into meet him and he asked me to buy him breakfast,to which i said no,im only on the dole and have 3 kids to support.we got in an arguement and i stormed of,and into a nice quite pub for a breakfast myself.
Turned out he had followed me and arrived next to me a few mins later,and proceeded to nag for money.When i said no,he started playing the ringtones on his phone,like a child (hes 32),and talking at the top of his voice so everyone was looking over.I ate my breakfast with him calling me names the whole way tru.
Yes i felt like a b*tch,as its not in my nature to see anyone going without,but at the end of the day iv put up with this for 9yrs,and i no longer want to be the enabaler for his habit.
The thing is,i have been invited on a weekend away with my family,in 2 weeks time,i really want to go as it would be a well needed break,and i have not so much as left the city i live in for a night in the last 9yrs,due to my partner not having the money.
He has now said that if i go it will show him that i dont care about him,and is accusing me of just going so i can sleep with other people!!!!!!
We are going to wexford for the weekend,and its with family!I have a babysitter organised for the kids so he doesnt have to worry about that,and is making my life hell by going on about it all the time.I really need this break,iv just suffered a loss in my family,and i need this break betwent hat and putting up with his crap.
I was just wondering what people think?Am i right to go for the weekend?or is it unfair to him if i go and he is left here with no money,ect.

Count Duckula

He's clearly got a gambling problem, whether he sees it or not. Tell him to get it sorted or you'll leave. If he tries, support him. If he laughs in your face, walk out.

You've got three kids to support, and they can do better for a male role model than a man who still acts like he's five years old.

sbsquarepants

TARAGROT wrote: »

He gets money every month from the credit union,which without going into the details,is his money,but the court has decided to pay him so much a mth rather then give him the lumpsum,as he is imature with money.
.

No offence, but he sounds like a bit of an idiot!
I can't imagine what sort of problems you would have had to rack up, for a court to treat a grown man like a child, but they must have been severe! And more importantly, from your description of him they were bang on the money to do so!
If he's been this way for the 9 years you know him, it's very unlikely he's going to change without some shape or form of counselling, he has quite obviously got a serious gambling addiction, which he absolutely will not kick, unless he fully wants to himself. He won't do it for you, or for the kids, no matter how much you, or I, or anyone else thinks he should. Unfortunately that is just the nature of the problem. You should be prepared that you might have to cut your loses i'm afraid.
I hope it works out different for you, i really do, but honestly the odds aren't good in my opinion.

diverdad

TARAGROT wrote: »

........i no longer want to be the enabaler for his habit.

You have realised it for what it is. So must he.
You have your life to lead and you should get on and do that. It's not being 'mean' it's call living.
A relationship is something to be shared. He doesn't seem capable of that.

Stop baling him out. Stop supporting him on your money, he should be made to pay his own way.

Take your break and don't give in to guilt from him.

He has a problem. One that can destroy all your lives if you let it. Support him in getting help and be there for his recovery if you still have feelings for this man, otherwise live your own life, look after your kids and enjoy yourself.

Joey the lips

Go for the weekend. Tell your boyfriend to grow up and come back to you when he matures.

It will only get worse. You are the most important person then your kids. If you dont look after yourself you cannot mind the kids.

I suggest you leave your phone at home and give the sitter an alternative number to contact you in an emergency but dont tell your partner. That way when the emotional blackmail starts you wont be there to answer the call.

Look after yourself...You dont need this crap in your life.

curlzy

So he's unemployed, has a gambling addiction, is verbally abusive, throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way and has accused you of infidelity because you want a weekend away? WOW, what a catch, NOT.

Seriously OP, you've wasted the last 9 years on this loser, get rid of him and build a decent life for yourself. Your kids might love him but he's setting a disgusting figure of a male role model, would you like your sons to end up like him or your daughters to think that's how men are supposed to behave? You're doing them a great disservice by staying with this guy.

mmcl5656

After reading your story, my advise to you is get out of that toxic relationship fast.---I mean fast!

LegacyUser

You need to sit down and have a very serious talk with him about your future as individuals, parents and a partnership.

Whether you want to accept this or not, neither of you are good role models for your children right now. You've 3 kids and only one of you is working part-time, while accepting hand-outs left right and centre to fill the income gap. You should both be out working full-time or at least one full time, one part-time so one can act as a childminder while the other works.

Of course he just comes looking to you for money, you haven't earned the money so he doesn't see it as taking anything away from you. If you were working full time, and he saw that you actually worked for the money, I'm sure he'd act a little different and you'd have a lot more ground to stand on.

With regards to his gambling, clearly it is an issue and one which can only be dealt with through ultimatums i.e you give it up or you leave. He's a disgraceful role model for your kids and you supporting him in it makes you look weak infront of them also.

What, in your current situation, is supposed to aspire your children to work hard and better themselves?

Go on your break and think about your situation. When you come back fresh, you should have some long term plan in place which both of you will adhere to. He should be out working full-time, it'd give your household a significant amount more money and would keep him out of the bookies. He needs to quit gambling, without exception. You need to be out doing something with yourself. It'd improve the money in the household and would give you something to do and take your mind off things.

One thing he should keep in mind is that if things go pear shaped, which they look to be, no court will ever side with a degenerate gambler who spends all his time and money betting on horses. He'd be lucky to get custody once a month.

I hope I'm not being too harsh but there's a lot in your life that can be easily changed with a bit of effort and if nothing else, will give your kids a better future. A gambling free, hardworking father figure and a strong, independent woman who makes and controls her own money is a far better scenario than two basically unemployed people, one whos a degenerate gambling addict and the other who can't stand up for herself.

Best of luck!

TARAGROT

YouGoGirl wrote: »

You need to sit down and have a very serious talk with him about your future as individuals, parents and a partnership.

Whether you want to accept this or not, neither of you are good role models for your children right now. You've 3 kids and only one of you is working part-time, while accepting hand-outs left right and centre to fill the income gap. You should both be out working full-time or at least one full time, one part-time so one can act as a childminder while the other works.

Of course he just comes looking to you for money, you haven't earned the money so he doesn't see it as taking anything away from you. If you were working full time, and he saw that you actually worked for the money, I'm sure he'd act a little different and you'd have a lot more ground to stand on.

Im sorry but i think this is a very harsh thing to say.I dont think it is right for anyone to judge me on my parenting skills based on the fact that i am currently unemployed!!
I have worked for many years and due to my place of work going bust have lost my job in recent years like alot of people in this country.Fair enough it was part time but i have 3 young children and they need time with their mother aswell!!!I am not some teenager living with my partner while scrounging of illegal benifits,the money i get is in replace of my not having a job.
I am actually very offended with your reply,as i can not stand that sort of narrow minded,look down your nose attitude!!Its completely irelevant to this situation.

thanks you to everyone for the advice,we have had a long chat and he has promised to change his ways with some help from me.Im looking at this realisticly and know it will not happen over night and will be a long and testing time in our relationship but if he sticks to his promises,hopefully it will pay off!!

LegacyUser

Just to be clear, I wasn't questioning your skills as a parent, I said that there were no positive role models in the children's lives so long as this is the situation, not that they're being badly parented.

You could be the best mother ever, but without something to aspire to or look up to, they're not going to be limited in their progression into adulthood. Believe me, I'm not looking down my nose at anyone. You came for advice, so I'm giving you advice! You or your partners employment or financial situation might not have much to do with the situation at the moment, but it certainly will as time goes on, particularly to your children.

It's good that you've spoken to him about it, but you do have to realise he has a sickness and that isn't merely going to disappear into thin air. Support him through it, but I wouldn't take the words of a degenerate gambler too seriously until he can show he means them. The fact that this had to be highlighted to him shows how far along his addiction is. You could bring him to Gamblers Anonymous, at least he'd have fellow degenerates to struggle through kicking the addiction with, as opposed to someone who in his eyes probably won't understand it.

Again, best of luck.

TARAGROT

Hi,
I understand where your coming from in a way,but at the same time,i came here for advice on a seperate issue.I didnt expect someone to pick apart my life and accuse me of 'living of handouts left right and center',because this is so far from the truth!Its just a pet hate of mine,that people have such a snobbery opinion that 'their taxes' are paying for me at the moment,when i have paid just as much tax in my years of work and am very entitled to this money at my time of need.
As for my children having no positive role model,well thats just nasty as far as im concerned,and i doubt you would say such a thing to a married couple in which the mother decided to stay at home so her kids get the best of her time.
I really do apreciate your reply and your advice but if i wanted to be told that i was destroying my childrens future by not working a 9-5,my post would have been entitled as such.
Again im not meaning to nit pick with you its just that your original reply came across very nasty and judgmental in my opinion,like,somehow my being on the dole (as you said money i didnt earn)was the real issue!