Who's got the lower libido - you or him?

LegacyUser

Most of the time it's the woman in a relationship who suffers from the lower libido, and I fall in to this category myself. However I'm not so sure thats the case across the board!
So who's the "hot to trot" one in your relationship?

Tea_Bag

She is, but would probably never admit it.

helimachoptor

She has but she also thinks mine is abnormally high

him

wait, are the title and OP asking different questions? im answering title

ted1

deffo her.....

Ickle Magoo

The title question is the opposite of the question in the OP so not sure which people are responding to...

We're evenly matched - I can't remember either of us ever turning down the other.

bronte

It's even....thank goodness!

Faith

I can only talk about my ex, but he had the lower sex drive.

RacoonQueen

An ex used to practically kick me out of his place when it came to bedtime sometimes. Although, I'm not sure whether that was more down to what he could do than what he wanted.

I won't go into any more detail...:pac:

Azureus

It varies week to week for us I think. Sometimes im the one who is all antsy, other times im getting prodded in the back while trying to sleep We meet in the middle most of the time though, and I dont take much convincing even if Im not the one initiating!

Poor Craythur

Ex-foybriend had a higher sex drive than me. But I'm the kind of person who is easy to get in the mood, so it was never a problem really.

squeakyduck

It depends on the time of the month for me. Straight after it I'm ready to go most of the time. It decreases a little. Then ovulation I'm rearing to go again and decreases again and just before I come on I'm ready to go again! I'm wierd!

The boy is always ready!

LegacyUser

I wish my boyfriend had a higher sex drive, he never initiates, its always me and im fed up of it. Hes just not that interested in sex anymore, when we started going out it was great, looks like weve hit the relationship sex slump.

Count Duckula

Myself and my girlfriend are evenly matched... and very high :pac:

DancingDaisy

When my last relationship started out I had the higher sex drive, after a while we became evenly matched, and near the end I had the lower one. I think it changes throughout a relationship.

liah

So far I've always been the one with the higher sex drive (even though my exes have all been younger), and I don't even think mine's that high. But I'd give it a shot most days :pac:

What constitutes high and what constitutes low?

Poor Craythur

liah wrote: »

What constitutes high and what constitutes low?

I suppose it's relative.

Joey the lips

Most def her with the lower.

Mine is higher

Having said that she is a wonderful person in many ways so its not really an issue.

I just sometimes wish she would be a devil...But then again...you cant be an angel and a devil i guess.

mollybird

id say we are both evenly matched. but for a while there we went through a slump as he was really tired and had to put it out there that grannys were doing it more than we were:pac:

Poor Craythur

Joey the lips wrote: »

I just sometimes wish she would be a devil...But then again...you cant be an angel and a devil i guess.

Oh, but you can.

Ickle Magoo

liah wrote: »

So far I've always been the one with the higher sex drive (even though my exes have all been younger), and I don't even think mine's that high. But I'd give it a shot most days :pac:

What constitutes high and what constitutes low?

Iirc the durex global survey polled the over 65s as averaging once a week & I think it averaged at 3 times a week for the under 65s...

Asphyxia

I'm lower but only just He's always in a frisky mood

Dudess

My sex drive is high, which is a bit of a nuisance when you're single and not majorly into one-night stands (now and again though they're just the ticket). Toys, erotic film/literature, and one's mind/hand are not on the level as a substitute, but they're very nice - better than nothin'. :pac:

NeonCookies

Hmm.... I'd say he does, but only because he will literally never refuse an offer!! We both initiate it about the same though I'd say, and I'd very rarely reject him! Bit difficult at times because he only works a few days a week, whereas I'm in college and have a part-time job so I'm often wrecked...but I know I'll get in the mood once we get started Think we both have pretty high sex drives usually.

Poor Craythur

Dudess wrote: »

Toys, erotic film/literature, and one's mind/hand are not on the level as a substitute, but they're very nice - better than nothin'. :pac:

Hmmm, I actually have more of an appetite for mind/hand than the substitute. :pac: Think it's because I know exactly what to do, can get the right angles and can completely lose myself in my fantasies.

--LOS--

even stephens

LegacyUser

I have the higher libido =/

Admittedly sometimes when I'm exhausted it's nice to just go to bed and not have somebody beside you trying to stick their hands down your knickers. At the same time, it'd be nice to feel wanted I suppose, instead of the almost neutral reaction I get.

Pinky Pixie

Me by a mile...I could get in the mood anywhere, not such luck with the boyfriend though so god bless Ann Summers toys!

Kimia

It would be interesting to know if the ladies who answered are in relationships and for how long. I do believe that it depends on the length of your relationship - I mean my bf and I had an amazing honeymoon period but that didn't last, which is fine, that's the way it goes. If you asked me when we were together 1 year as opposed to 6 years my answers would be very different!

Faith

Kimia wrote: »

It would be interesting to know if the ladies who answered are in relationships and for how long. I do believe that it depends on the length of your relationship - I mean my bf and I had an amazing honeymoon period but that didn't last, which is fine, that's the way it goes. But if you asked me when we were together 1 year as opposed to 6 years my answers would be much different.

That's a good point. I was with my ex for nearly 2 years. For the first year, while long distance mostly (UK to Ireland), we both lived on our own. To begin with, we both lived in Cork for the first 3 months and had sex all the time. Then we'd only see each other for a few days a month, but would spend the whole time having sex - to the point of minor damage to my insides . But when I moved back to Ireland, I moved back in with my parents, at the same time his mum moved back to the house he was living it (it belongs to his parents, but they'd been living away). I wasn't hugely bothered by the parent issue, but he was. I think a combination of time and parents being around meant he wasn't interested in it half as much a lot of the time. There was also more stress for both of us from college and work etc. So it wasn't so much that his libido was so much lower than mine, as that I was up for it wherever, whenever, and he wasn't.

Wibbs

wishie wish wrote: »

I wish my boyfriend had a higher sex drive, he never initiates, its always me and im fed up of it. Hes just not that interested in sex anymore, when we started going out it was great, looks like weve hit the relationship sex slump.

Among my peers I've been always the go to guy as far as confiding issues and the like so I've heard a few and both sides and I'd agree that it varies over time. The first 3 or 4 years are little or no indication(goes for a lot of things. Never take advice from someone in the first 3 years of luuurve ). I would also say that there are more women than men after say 10 year relationships that complain they're not gettin' any. Way more. That's been my experience anyway. Not so much sex, but general intimacy and physical connection. Too many men - and I've been guilty myself - equate or focus too much on their Mr Happy Sausage with physical intimacy.

Ickle Magoo

Kimia wrote: »

It would be interesting to know if the ladies who answered are in relationships and for how long. I do believe that it depends on the length of your relationship - I mean my bf and I had an amazing honeymoon period but that didn't last, which is fine, that's the way it goes. If you asked me when we were together 1 year as opposed to 6 years my answers would be very different!

We married in 2004 after living together for four years...there has been no changes in that time, not when we were studying, not working, not when we had kids.

I have actually never been in a relationship with this mythical "honeymoon period" where suddenly sex becomes less enjoyable and more of a chore than it used to - I'd be worried for the health of my relationship if it did, tbh.

Wibbs

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I have actually never been in a relationship with this mythical "honeymoon period" where suddenly sex becomes less enjoyable and more of a chore than it used to - I'd be worried for the health of my relationship if it did, tbh.

Then you've either been incredibly lucky or your relationships didn't last more than said period. Or both. Maybe the latter as you're still with the bloke you've been with the last decade plus.

Kimia

That's very rare Ickle, and lucky you btw! That's lovely that you're the exact same as when you first met. Aww.

Ickle Magoo

Wibbs wrote: »

Then you've either been incredibly lucky or your relationships didn't last more than said period. Or both. Maybe the latter as you're still with the bloke you've been with the last decade plus.

Well, I lived with one guy for two years, another for three and I'm still living with the third - so that's three pretty full on relationships.

I don't think luck really comes into it, tbh...sex is as important an aspect of my relationship as respect or faithfulness, if it's not up to scratch then I'm out of there - I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I didn't look at my partner and want to jump his bones or visa versa - whether I'm 20 or 70!

The Sweeper

I think the libido thing isn't black and white either (though admittedly I apparently think the same of most things )

There is not wanting to have sex.

And then there is not wanting to have sex with your partner.

I have watched quite a few people in long-term relationships go through sexless periods. I've also discovered that what you see on the outside is often not an accurate reflection of what's going on within the relationship. Two of the most publicly physically affectionate people I ever knew - she and I got to talking one evening and she revealed they hadn't had sex for six months.

So why the sham? Because nobody wants to admit they're in a sexless relationship because the general consensus is that if you're not having sex, there's something wrong with you.

I think if you scratch the surface of a sexless relationship you'll find it far more complex than just one or not partner not feeling like getting jiggy. Sex is extremely complicated for some people - for some it's an end in itself, for others it's a means to an end. There are some people out there who enjoy the act of sex in and of itself and it won't matter to them too much who that sex is with, because it's about the physical sensations, not the emotional connections. For other people, sex is about both physical and emotional sensations, and how they feel about the person is far more important to how it feels physically.

Subsequently you'll get a lot of sexless relationships where both partners are still masturbating, still watching porn, and in extreme cases those partners are fulfilling their sexual needs through one night stands or an affair - so the lack of sex in that relationship isn't about a low libido.

'Familiarity breeds contempt' - never a truer word.

You want to have sex.

You just don't want to have it with your partner.

I think the 'low libido' card is played against women more often than men, but I genuinely don't think that's because women lose interest in sex when in a long-term relationship. I think it's because, generally speaking (and I include that as a disclaimer before anyone launches themselves at me to say I speaketh lies) - generally speaking, sex for men is about physical attraction and physical sensation. Sex for women is about what's happened all day that day.

Yes, it can be extremely important for both sexes to have a strong emotional connection with the person they're having sex with, I understand that. However I feel that men are more likely to be able to put aside irritations of the day, moments where their partner annoyed them, things their partner is doing at the moment that have pissed them off, the fact that she didn't empty the dishwasher, the fact that she didn't clean the bathroom after you'd asked her to do it five times, and the fact that she forgot your friend's birthday dinner was on even after you'd told her three times....

Basically men don't think like women. They're less likely to harbour frustration, irritation and resentment at the activities of their partner during any given episode, and even if they are harbouring those feelings, they're able to separate them from their current urge to have sex - so even if their partner is driving them nuts, they are still quite happy to have sex with her. I think women are more influenced by those things - and most women, when pissed off with their bloke, can't separate that feeling from an urge to have sex, and subsequently are not willing to have sex with him.

I think that if you find a relationship where the sex is unflaggingly great all of the time regardless of what's going on, you'll either find a relationship that's close to perfect and in which neither partner ever pisses the other one off, or you'll find a relationship where both partners have the ability to separate their feelings about their partner from their sexual urges - so even if they're not overly impressed with each other on any given day, they'll still have sex.

It even ties back into our cultural upbringing - think about the amount of symbolism related to how well your man treats you. 'Good' relationship: flowers, chocolates, dinner dates, gifts, massage, so on. 'Bad' relationship: watches the sports on TV with his hands down his pants in the middle of a mess, leaves all of the housework to you, grunts at you for hello and goodbye, never asks how your day is. The actions of your bloke every day are directly tied to how well you're being told you're treated. Good treatment is tied directly into self worth - if he treats you well, it makes you feel good. If he doesn't treat you well, it doesn't make you feel good. If you don't feel good about yourself, you don't feel good about the guy who influences how you feel about yourself.

And if you don't feel good about him, are you going to have sex with him?

For lots and lots of women, the answer to that is no, no I'm not.

I think there are plenty of blokes out there in low or no-sex relationships who end up extremely hurt and astonished to discover their missus is having an affair, for instance, beyond the obvious betrayal of infidelity. 'You're having an affair?? But you don't like sex!!' Imagine trying to get your head around six months or a year of rejected advances, only to discover your missus is skipping out of work at lunchtime to have sex with some other geezer. Ages past you'd convinced yourself your missus was rejecting you because she has a low libido and doesn't like sex, and you'd reassured yourself that your relationship was a-okay and there was just something wrong with her.

Apprently not, eh?

Poor Craythur

Phew! That was some read!

Kimia

Kimia wrote: »

It would be interesting to know if the ladies who answered are in relationships and for how long. I do believe that it depends on the length of your relationship - I mean my bf and I had an amazing honeymoon period but that didn't last, which is fine, that's the way it goes. If you asked me when we were together 1 year as opposed to 6 years my answers would be very different!

Ye, 2.5 years and still going strong.
Apparently I dont count for at least another half year though :pac:

The Sweeper

Poor Craythur wrote: »

Phew! That was some read!

I like to describe that as 'War n Peace'.

Poor Craythur

The Sweeper wrote: »

I like to describe that as 'War n Peace'.

'n' instead of 'and'. You iz down wit da kidz.

The Sweeper

Actually 'Warnpeace'. Like 'Makepeace' (Dempsey and). /offtopic

Ickle Magoo

The Sweeper wrote: »

Ages past you'd convinced yourself your missus was rejecting you because she has a low libido and doesn't like sex, and you'd reassured yourself that your relationship was a-okay and there was just something wrong with her.

Apprently not, eh?

Instead it would be down to a case of chronically bad communication skills, game playing and grudge keeping - hardly indicators of healthy relationships tbh...

The Sweeper

I think chronically bad communication skills is enough - you don't even need to add game playing or grudge keeping tbh.

Wibbs

bluewolf wrote: »

Ye, 2.5 years and still going strong.
Apparently I dont count for at least another half year though :pac:

Ah no, but I've defo noticed a really strong trend in this 3 to 4 year thing. It's the most weak point of any long termer in my experience. Even for otherwise good relationships. Don't believe me? Read PI for a month and check out the "he/she's left/dumped/cheated on me" threads and you'll see a really strong pattern of this time frame. That's where I really noticed it a few years ago.

Then I read of some research on the strength of the various "love" chemicals in the brains of lovers and they found that for the majority of people these chemicals peak about 18 months in and drop down to background level by at the latest 4 years. As if humans have a mating cycle. For most people in healthy relationships they don't spot this or mourn it's loss, but any weakness in the relationship and it comes to the fore. I'd put good money that the phrase "I love him, but I'm not in love with him" is that chemistry played out as explanation(among other things of course).

The Sweeper wrote:

There is not wanting to have sex.

And then there is not wanting to have sex with your partner.

+1000 and a really important diff to highlight.

I think the 'low libido' card is played against women more often than men, but I genuinely don't think that's because women lose interest in sex when in a long-term relationship. I think it's because, generally speaking (and I include that as a disclaimer before anyone launches themselves at me to say I speaketh lies) - generally speaking, sex for men is about physical attraction and physical sensation. Sex for women is about what's happened all day that day.

Hell I'll back you on that generalisation. Indeed would go further and say I've yet to meet the woman who isn't like that in a long termer. In between relationships yea, but not in one.

Basically men don't think like women. They're less likely to harbour frustration, irritation and resentment at the activities of their partner during any given episode, and even if they are harbouring those feelings, they're able to separate them from their current urge to have sex

+1 The thought process tends to be more compartmentalised.

Ickle Magoo

The Sweeper wrote: »

I think chronically bad communication skills is enough - you don't even need to add game playing or grudge keeping tbh.

Well no, according to your post anyway, it wouldn't just be bad communication skills - but also that sex is being used by some as a punishment/reward system - that physical relations are being purposefully withheld as way of as leverage in other areas of the relationship - that's a pretty warped way of looking at what should be fun and satisfying physical relations with someone they supposedly love.

Perhaps I'm an unusual breed of women who is actually still sexually attracted to my partner regardless, who has a relationship whereby issues are thrashed out before they become issues and would view the day I look at sex with my partner as a chore as the day when I acknowledge something has gone terribly wrong in our relationship. Wanting to have sex with other people but not your partner because you've got such a twisted, bitter, resentful feeling towards them is huge red flag that you either need relationship counselling or a new relationship.

Poor Craythur

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Well no, according to your post anyway, it wouldn't just be bad communication skills - but also that sex is being used by some as a punishment/reward system - that physical relations are being purposefully withheld as way of as leverage in other areas of the relationship - that's a pretty warped way of looking at what should be fun and satisfying physical relations with someone they supposedly love.

Wanting to have sex with other people but not your partner because you've got such a twisted, bitter, resentful feeling towards them is huge red flag that you either need relationship counselling or a new relationship.

I reckon women use sex as a weapon more than we'd like to admit. Women hold the power.

Being a somewhat passive aggressive person, I'm sure I've done it in the past. Wow, can't believe I admitted that. I'm growing up!

The Sweeper

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Well no, according to your post anyway, it wouldn't just be bad communication skills - but also that sex is being used by some as a punishment/reward system - that physical relations are being purposefully withheld as way of as leverage in other areas of the relationship - that's a pretty warped way of looking at what should be fun and satisfying physical relations with someone they supposedly love.

Wanting to have sex with other people but not your partner because you've got such a twisted, bitter, resentful feeling towards them is huge red flag that you either need relationship counselling or a new relationship.

Sorry if it came across that I was describing some sort of bunny-boiler 'What have you done for me lately' game playing relationship. What I'm trying to describe is a few steps short of the overt competition that you describe - it's a sort of passive-aggressive 'settling' that I've seen a lot of people in my own social circle and wider acquaintances fall into.

I've only seen the real resentment you describe in a couple of relationships and they were pretty doomed tbh.

The flip side is relationships that have lasted past the 3-4 year mark, and lasted through sexless periods. Interestingly I've seen such relationships turned around by growing maturity in the woman - she starts to feel better about herself and suddenly isn't relying on his treatment of her as much to govern her self-worth. Often times this reawakens life in the bedroom.

Ickle Magoo

Poor Craythur wrote:

I reckon women use sex as a weapon more than we'd like to admit. Women hold the power.

I don't know if it's a case of not admitting it - I just view it as a damaging and pointless exercise which achieves nothing bar cutting off the nose to spite my face and is something I definitely wouldn't want in my relationship. Game-playing, bad communication and bitterness/grudge-holding would be attributes I stay well clear of in partners - and I've certainly not gotten involved in relationships/ended relationships rather than live with someone who is like that or becoming like that...

The Sweeper wrote:

she starts to feel better about herself and suddenly isn't relying on his treatment of her as much to govern her self-worth

So it's a self-esteem issue? Being reliant on someone else to prop up self-esteem and then begrudging them when they don't...still sounds like a horrendously unhealthy place to be.

Poor Craythur

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't know if it's a case of not admitting it - I just view it as a damaging and pointless exercise which achieves nothing bar cutting off the nose to spite my face and is something I definitely wouldn't want in my relationship.

Oh, it's damaging for sure, but it still happens a lot, especially I reckon, as Sweeper said, with younger women.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

So it's a self-esteem issue? Being reliant on someone else to prop up self-esteem and then begrudging them when they don't...still sounds like a horrendously unhealthy place to be.

It is unhealthy, but we all know people who only feel validated in a relationship.

Wibbs

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Perhaps I'm an unusual breed of women who is actually still sexually attracted to my partner regardless, who has a relationship whereby issues are thrashed out before they become issues and would view the day I look at sex with my partner as a chore as the day when I acknowledge something has gone terribly wrong in our relationship.

Yep that's fairly unusual in my experience, though maybe it's the women I've been with . Plus you seem to have mostly solid long termers, rather than flit from relationship to relationship.

Count Duckula

This thread is getting me down! I enjoy the thought that in thirty years time my girlfriend and I will still like nothing more than getting down and dirty with some passionate, intimate sex.

You're all making me think that's a pipe dream!