Family Know About Dating Site

LegacyUser

After another Christmas on my own, I decided to stop moaning and registered on a dating site as I have not been on a date in over 4 years now. My last relationship ended horribly and I have been off men ever since. I am no child by the way - over 35.

One of my cousins saw the profile on the site, told his parents, who in turn told my parents, who in turn told my sisters. It is now a standing joke all round, when I contacted one of my family, he started slagging me and saying how a friend of his saw me on the site, etc.

I feel like a fool, embarrassed and quite upset. I am more annoyed at my mother for broadcasting it, when she confronted me on it, she was laughing and thought it was hilarious.

I am quite shy by nature and this has knocked me. Why cant my family mind their own business.

Sonics2k

Why not just make a joke out of the fact your cousin was also on the site.

That and just shrug it off would be the best advice.

MrMojoRising

+1 to everything Sunflower27 said.

They're way behind in the times OP. Take a look at POF and you'll see that almost everyone is on it!

Don't feel a fool or upset about it. If they want to make a joke about it, let them. Just ignore them and eventually it'll stop.

Anyway well done on doing something constructive about your love life and getting back out there (so to speak). I'm sure it took a lot of courage on your part.

Best of luck with it!

Zen65

annoyedperson wrote: »

I feel like a fool, embarrassed and quite upset.

Hi Op,

You have no reason to be embarrassed, you have done nothing wrong. Do your siblings live alone, or are they in relationships? How did they find their partners if not by employing some means of advertising their willingness to enter relationships? Did your mother think it was funny for her other daughters to go to clubs and bars to meet people? In all of nature, males and females of each species find each other through some form of interaction and advertisement. Beasts in the wild using mating calls, scents, or displays of colour to attract potential mates. Humans use similar actions too, but we couch our behaviours in other terms.

The simple fact of life today is that it's not easy to find like-minded people at any stage in life, but it gets even harder as you get past your 20's because so many people will have "paired off" by that age. There is no shame in using all means available - including the internet - to find a suitable partner. The fool here is your cousin who first saw the entry (presumably because he was also looking for somebody to meet up with?) and decided to make a laugh about it.

Far from being a fool, you are being proactive about your situation, and in doing so you are taking control (inasmuch as one can) of your destiny. You are acting wisely, and you should ignore the immature siblings who see this as a laughing matter. Do not shun them altogether, for you will at every stage in life need assistance from family (and they from you) if you are lucky enough to have one. Rather make it clear that you will not entertain any banter about your choice of means to find potential mates. At the end of the day, you, like everyone else will end up employing old-fashioned judgement methods to decide if a suitor is a worthy mate. You are simply using technology to make your search more efficient.

Now, stop worrying about what they think and get on with your life. In reality, though they may choose to joke about it, they probably admire you for having the courage to do what you are doing!


Be at peace,

Z

"Don't spend all your time wondering what you are or who you like or whether it's right for you or wrong for you.
Just let yourself be happy before you find yourself alone."

-Callie Torres (Grey's Anatomy)

LegacyUser

Op I met my other half on Plenty of Fish in July last year and I couldnt be happier.

I am 40 with three kids and had given up on ever meeting anyone after being on my own for four years.

I saw the guy who sat beside me in work on the site and I joined, we discussed it each day and were not in the slightest bit embarrassed at how we were meeting new people.

I dont have much of a social life or should I say I didnt until I met him and I am so delighted I joined now or Id have missed the chance because I wouldnt have met him him passing.

I recommend it and have no shame what so ever in admitting its how we met.

People who laugh at it are just ignorant in my opinion

LegacyUser

Does your family want you to be lonely or something? Your mum sounds like if she think there is something wrong with you wanting to find someone to love, and something you should be ashamed of. When you do find that special someone, maybe you should think about cutting down on contact with your family, they dont seem to have your best interests at heart.

Good luck with the search.

tinkerbell

What's to be embarrassed about? Lots of people these days use dating websites. I wouldn't know anything about them myself because I'm out of the dating scene as I am in a long-term relationship but a couple of my single friends have used dating websites, and I don't see what the problem is.

I would throw it back in your cousins face and be like "yeah, I'm on a dating site, what's your problem? And secondly, if you're slagging me about being on a dating site, why were YOU on it checking my profile?" See what he says then!

LegacyUser

families tease. try not to take it to heart. i am sure if you had a heart to heart with any of them, they would want the best for you and for you to meet someone nice.

good luck with it

LegacyUser

To be fair to my cousin, I don't think he said it that way. It was more, what if she sees me? I would be seen as the most successful of the family, so it was kind of served up to my mam from my cousins parents. You know what family rivalries can be like.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback but have decided to take down my photo. I was having mixed views on the site, I got over 120 mails ranging from people aged 28 to 65 and all in between.

I am out of the loop for a long time and very inexperienced dating wise as I have been in long term relationships continuously for the past 20 years. There are a lot of pervs out there. I was shocked at the number of married or long term relationship people looking for "fun". It kind of put me off.

Anyway, I did reply to all mails that appeared genuine, even if the person was not for me.

I dont know what to do next but am going to lose the head if this lot keep it up. I know you are all saying ignore them, but it is easier said than done. I am a proud person and I feel like a failure here, all the more with it getting slagged to me.

My mum served it up to me yesterday and then I phoned one of my other siblings, who had already heard the news and was having a good laugh.

More today I suppose!

Neyite

Then its time to tell your mother the joke is over.

My family love to play jokes and slag each other off, but sometimes it gets annoying. They bring up the same joke over and over in front of other relatives.

There was one 'funny' that my mother loved to bring up from when I was three - practically a baby. The worst part was that her interpertation of the events made me look like some little weirdo, even though what really happened was not all that notable. Everyone was told this 'funny story' until finally I snapped at her when she was telling the latest batch of people, I snapped that the joke was over, that she had gotten good mileage out of it for the last 30 years and would she please shut up.

Afterwards, she started to give out to me about 'embarrassing' her in front of people :rolleyes: and we had a massive row over it ending with me in tears listing all the people she told this story to. She then realised her joke had gone way too far and apologised.

I wouldnt say you go to town on your mother the way I did, but explain how embarrassed you are with everybody bringing it up and you would have thought that you could count on your mothers support at least. Once you get her on board, she will probably try to ensure that your siblings and father drop it too.

So your cousin was on a dating site, saw you on this and told everybody else, yet nobody seems to have picked up that they were also on the site too?

curlzy

Hey OP,

First of all deep breath in and let it out slowly. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about. From what you're saying you sound like quite a successful person, unfortunately that brings jealousy, even from family. It's probably being done to "take you down a peg or two", which is completely ****ty I know but take it for what it is, a very back handed compliment. They wouldn't be tearing you down if they weren't jealous.

The best defense is to bring it right out in the open, say something along the lines of "oh I'm so busy with my career this just seemed the simplist way to do it, I'm not sat on my arse all day like some people", this should be said to those of your family (the ones annoying you) who are unemployed . Or "get with the times for god's sakes, everyone's on these sites these days", this should be said to older family members (the ones annoying you). Or "who you'd think everyone would know how these things work now, everyone that's computer literate knows how to sign up", this should be said to the thickos of the family. Honestly OP, your family are acting like di*ks I won't lie, but I'd say a good portion are just going along with the joke. There's one branch of my family that are quick simpley put total scum, they're not invited to any family occasions because all they ever do it ruin them, they're just the most negative people in the world and I can honestly say I despise them, like you I'd be considered to be sucessful and my god to they try to tear me down! My method to deal with them is to do what they understand, I sneer at their attempts and walk away. Now I don't think there's another person that I would sneer at but I'm not a saint and I've found fighting fire with fire is the best method. You could wait for the next slagging and just pull out the big guns, we all have **** on the family so just bring that out, i.e. "ha ha, veryannoyed is on a dating site" should be answered with "ha ha yeah, so you ever hear back from employers? God I'd go mad if I was out of work as long as you!" or "wow, you still going to weightwatchers? No? Oh" I know this all sounds very spiteful but sometimes it's got to be done.

Just remember that you're successful, they're not and this is their pathetic little attempt to drag you down but do remember also that some of them could be really only joking so go easy and just dish out the put downs when necessary. Also fair play for getting back out there. This will blow over, don't join in the laughs or even smile coz this really isn't acceptable, just put them back in their place and stay classy.:D

sharper

Deleted User wrote: »

So your cousin was on a dating site, saw you on this and told everybody else, yet nobody seems to have picked up that they were also on the site too?

Probably because the cousin presents their usage of it matter of factly while it's known the OP is bothered by it thus opening up the opportunity to get a rise out of her.

The internet is just another way to meet people. In a world in which my mother is on facebook there's nothing remotely odd about people using the internet to meet people. You don't need an excuse or a justification for it anymore than you would for going to the pub to meet people.

Really the thing with your family reflects your own feelings which is that internet dating is something you had to resort to and feel slightly ashamed for using it.

There are a lot of pervs out there. I was shocked at the number of married or long term relationship people looking for "fun". It kind of put me off.

Well you know the thing is there's a lot of pervs everywhere you just don't know it. You have no idea if the guy you work with or the woman you chatted to on the bus are off looking for fun outside their relationship. You also don't necessarily know whether their partners are aware or unaware of this.

On the internet people are more open about what they're looking for which makes them easier to ignore.