Where to next?

LegacyUser

I'm with my partner more than thirteen years. Throughout all of our relationship he has been unfaithful. His cheating has always upset me but I've become accustomed to the fact that he is never going to stop seeing other women. He's being seeing his latest now for five years and constantly says he will end their affair but never does.

People have told me I'm stupid for putting up with him for so long but the reality is I'm scared to leave. I have no money, no education and in a job that is going nowhere. I solely work to pay my mortgage which is in arrears.

I never had any self confidence and was initially attracted to him because he made me feel good. He was financially secure and showered me with a good lifestyle.

I guess my post reads like I'm a glorified idiot but I want to call an end to our relationship but I'm scared of being on my own and more importantly scared of what the future holds for an uneducated individual with no self worth.

tinkerbell

Why are you with him? Just leave him.

LegacyUser

wheretonext wrote: »

I never had any self confidence and was initially attracted to him because he made me feel good.

If you rely on other people to make you feel good, you're on a slippery slope. If other people can make you feel good, they can also make you feel bad. Why have you given your partner permission to control how you feel? Why have you allowed yourself to be told how you should feel?

Believe it or not, you made the choice to feel as you do now. You made the choice by handing over all control to your partner. It's going to be hell on earth when you leave, no doubt about it. But you'll get stronger, you have to believe in yourself and what you have to offer. It'll be worth going through hell for a short while if it means you'll be happy for the rest of your life. You need to give yourself permission to go through with the split. You owe it to yourself. The alternative is another thirteen years of unhappiness.

Neyite

wrote:

I'm scared of being on my own and more importantly scared of what the future holds for an uneducated individual with no self worth.

The future can hold anything you want it to - but what it should not hold is another year or thirteen with this man. I think that most of your self worth comes from this situation where you are being cheated on.

Money might not always be this tight, and when you do have a little bit, you can look into further studies - I'm doing a part time course at the moment, but depending on what you choose, your company might be able to help you with fees if they feel it will benefit your role. But you can start planning that now - it costs nothing to dream, eh?

A hobby can be a great way to get out and about. They dont have to cost money. A friend of mine moved to a brand new town after she found out her husband cheated on her throughout her marriage and divorced him. She joined a local walking group, which progressed to running as she got fitter, then got into other hobbies. She is now blissfully married to a lovely decent man she met through her hobbies. Her self worth and confidence took a battering too, but it was only a temporary blip that made her stronger and happier - because she was in charge of her life. That kind of freedom money cant buy.

Zen65

wheretonext wrote: »

I'm with my partner more than thirteen years.

Hi Op,

I think you need to re-frame your experience to date. You have not been with this man for 13 years, you've simply spent thirteen of your years sharing him with others. Whatever other issues you may have in your life, the lack of respect he has shown you in that time has been far more harmful to you.

I understand you may be scared to leave him, but in reality your life could only get better being alone, or being in a relationship with some other guy who really valued you. Start by valuing yourself. Stop allowing yourself to be such a doormat for this cheat.

You have not spelt out what age you are, but you do place a lot of importance on your (lack of) education. When you leave this man you might be in a position to become a student again, say by doing evening classes? It would be a few years of hardship, but it would do wonders for your career prospects and more importantly for your self-esteem. Go to your local library and check out the adult education classes available in your area.

Be at peace,

Z

Acoshla

Zen65 wrote: »

Hi Op,
I think you need to re-frame your experience to date. You have not been with this man for 13 years, you've simply spent thirteen of your years sharing him with others.

Very good way of phrasing it Zen. OP how have you survived this long? I would be a crushed mess if I had tried so hard to be with someone and they had such long term affairs right in my face.

You can't depend on others to make you happy, you especially can't depend on him as he has clearly shown. It will be extremely difficult when you leave but after a year or 18 months you will look back and wonder why you ever let yourself be treated that way. I would prefer to be alone than to be with someone who cared so little for me.

I am a friend

Op, what do you want to happen?

Contessa Raven

This must be so hard on you OP. You should leave him. It's better to be alone and happy than with someone who makes you miserable.

Yes you may struggle in the beginning but if you really want to take control of your happiness and life then that is what you need to do. Like Spadina said, you will look back in a year and think "Why did I waste so much of my precious time with this person who didn't care?"

We only get one shot at life. It's up to ourselves to make the most of it. Take the chance OP and run away from him. FAST.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your posts. I have fully taken all advise on board.

I've never had any self confidence which steams from my childhood. When I first met him he opened me up to new opportunities, new people and a different outlook on life. He's educated, well spoken and had a successful business. I allowed myself to be sucked into his lifestyle and way of thinking because it was such a contrast to the life I was living before. I was shocked to the core when I heard about his first affair. Still to this day he tells me he loves me and will never leave me. I find this surreal but he still insists this is the case. It's crazy I know, but I used to convince myself he was only using these other women for sex. This made me feel a bit better about the whole setup.

I'm in my late thirties.

IrishEyes19

Zen65 wrote: »

Hi Op,

I think you need to re-frame your experience to date. You have not been with this man for 13 years, you've simply spent thirteen of your years sharing him with others. Whatever other issues you may have in your life, the lack of respect he has shown you in that time has been far more harmful to you.

I understand you may be scared to leave him, but in reality your life could only get better being alone, or being in a relationship with some other guy who really valued you. Start by valuing yourself. Stop allowing yourself to be such a doormat for this cheat.

You have not spelt out what age you are, but you do place a lot of importance on your (lack of) education. When you leave this man you might be in a position to become a student again, say by doing evening classes? It would be a few years of hardship, but it would do wonders for your career prospects and more importantly for your self-esteem. Go to your local library and check out the adult education classes available in your area.

Be at peace,

Z

Excellent Advice, there are so many avenues into education today, and you are not those awful things you call yourself, you sound like a nice woman whose very lonely and unhappy. For your own sake, get out of there, it will be so tough no doubt about it. But at least you are doing it for yourself, this man sounds terribly selfish and you sound like someone who wants to be loved solely. Do it for yourself, OP. Have you any family that could help you out?

Firetrap

Have you any family or friends who you can turn to. You've reached the stage where you've wisely decided enough is enough. You've referred to paying a mortgage. In whose name is the house? Does your partner pay money towards it. I'm just wondering what the legal situation is? I'm assuming that because he's a partner and not a husband, that you're not married? Can you kick him out if the house is yours or does he have a claim on it? I'm wondering this out loud here because I don't know.

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

Have you any family or friends who you can turn to. You've reached the stage where you've wisely decided enough is enough. You've referred to paying a mortgage. In whose name is the house? Does your partner pay money towards it. I'm just wondering what the legal situation is? I'm assuming that because he's a partner and not a husband, that you're not married? Can you kick him out if the house is yours or does he have a claim on it? I'm wondering this out loud here because I don't know.

Hi, he makes no payment towards the mortgage but does pay an odd utility bill. The mortgage is in sole name. Last year I stupidly borrowed a relatively large sum of money from him that I was to pay back when I could. This is the rock I perished on because he now wont leave the house until I pay up what I owe him.

Zen65

wheretonext wrote: »

Hi, he makes no payment towards the mortgage but does pay an odd utility bill. The mortgage is in sole name.

Hi Op,

Do I understand correctly that the mortgage is in your name only? Is the house in joint names, or just yours?

If the house and mortgage are in your name, then you should start charging him rent (which you deduct from this money you owe him).

If the house / mortgage is in his sole name, then you should write off the loan against all of the mortgage payments you have made. At this stage he probably owes you money.

I think you are on fairly solid grounds to kick him out of the house, but get professional advice first. Talk to a solicitor, or go to MABS, or contact the Women's Aid centre. You are not tied to this man, and you do not need him in your life.

Be at peace,

Z

Ickle Magoo

Zen65 wrote: »

I think you are on fairly solid grounds to kick him out of the house, but get professional advice first. Talk to a solicitor, or go to MABS, or contact the Women's Aid centre. You are not tied to this man, and you do not need him in your life.

^^^ This. Go get professional advice and ask if your being in debt to this man gives him residency rights in your house.

I think you should also look at getting counselling because your self-esteem must be absolutely rock-bottom and you are going to need some strength if you are going to get this leech out of your life once and for all. Do you have any friends and/or family you can lean on?

LegacyUser

Hi, yes the house is in my sole name. He has no hold on it whatsoever. He sold his own apartment two years ago due to the downturn and moved in with me.

I would be mortified if my family or friends new of the situation I was living with. On the outside I haven't a care in the world.

Initially the people who said I was stupid for putting up with him were friends from work but they have all left and I have no contact with them now.

Ickle Magoo

You would be mortified if people who love you were given the opportunity to support you but your partner cheating for 13 years is something you can get accustomed to? Time to get your priorities right - being honest with other people is a good way of publicly acknowledging what is going on and an excellent motivator to having to do something about it.

Like all abusers, most who take advantage and are emotionally abusive rely on a degree of secrecy and the shame felt by those they are abusing. Just maintaining the illusion that you haven't a care in the world isn't healthy.

Zen65

wheretonext wrote: »

Hi, yes the house is in my sole name. He has no hold on it whatsoever. He sold his own apartment two years ago due to the downturn and moved in with me.

I would be mortified if my family or friends new of the situation I was living with.

Op,

If you could stand back from all of this I think you would see that this man is living the life he wants to, at your expense. He is not having an affair with this other woman, he is having a relationship with her and you have become his landlady offering rent-free accommodation.

Kick him out. Write off the load he gave you against the rent he didn't pay.

I still think you should start with getting professional advice. None of us here are qualified to say exactly how things stand legally in terms of the loan.

As for what your friends and family think.... you're not seeing this objectively at all. Your friends and family will come running to your aid if you tell them what's going on. Do not live your life in such misery to protect an illusion that they would hate to be a part of. Your life, your ambitions, and your love are too precious to waste in this way.

Be at peace,

Z

Firetrap

Yes, definitely go get professional advice. That he has been living rent-free in your house for so long could be the rock that he perishes on. Maybe - I know very little about these things.

I hope you can overcome your feelings of mortification and to confide in somebody. Perhaps your family/friends know more about what's going on than you'd think but were afraid to stick their oar in. Either way, they'll only be too delighted to help you out. Please don't do this on your own.

Neyite

OP,

You dont need to go into detail with your family - all you have to say is that he cheated, you have given him a chance which he blew, you want to kick him out, and you need support right now. Simples.

Get advice from professionals regarding your financials, and once you know you can kick him out legally, change the locks and text him to pick up his stuff from your front garden before the binmen get it first. Add that you are not going to pursue him for the several years of rent that he owes you.

You are going to feel so good when you finally shut the door on this man.

trio

I think it's highly unlikely that just because someone loaned you money they have a legal right to reside in your property. Doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not!

Get advice from professionals regarding your financials, and once you know you can kick him out legally, change the locks and text him to pick up his stuff from your front garden before the binmen get it first. Add that you are not going to pursue him for the several years of rent that he owes you.

Excellent advice. Change the locks, and buy some bin bags. I don't care how nice he is - he's a wanker. Besides, it's not as if he'll be stuck for a bed! Let the girlfriend of 5 years cook and clean for him for once!

The thing is also - you run yourself down a lot. But jesus, look what you have! You have a house of your own! That's brilliant. It means that you're not dependant on anyone else for a roof over your head. You have a job, even if it's nothing special - it'll do for the moment anyway until you get your head sorted out!

Certainly I think a visit to MABS is in order - not because of the relationship actually, but just because you need advice on your mortgage arrears. They may be able to advice you on how you handle that. If you feel more in control of that - it'll make a big difference to how in control you feel in general.

And if you get advice on that and feel a bit more in control of budgeting and the mortgage, then you can find out about night courses in your area (you can find them out easy enough online). You can do one a computer course or something. I did one last year - it helped my confidence a good bit.

And then maybe next year you can start thinking of other options in the whole job/career area.

But for the moment you have a job, and you have a house and so the only thing you really need to act on is that "prince" you have living scot-free with someone who cooks and cleans for him. Who could be riddled with STDs that he doesn't even know about, lets face it.

But the real question is: Do you WANT to break up with him?

miec

Hi Op

I agree with the other posters, get him out of your house, but I would also highly recommend a book called 'Women who love too much' by Robin Norwood, as it will help you understand why you put up with so much and enable you to practically rebuild your life after he is gone.

LegacyUser

trio wrote: »

Who could be riddled with STDs that he doesn't even know about, lets face it.

But the real question is: Do you WANT to break up with him?

Sex has been almost non existent with him anyway but yes your absolutely right.

Without a doubt I want to end the relationship. The woman he's seeing wants him to move in with her but he doesn't want to. It's become a complete joke.

Thanks everyone so much for all your advise. I've taking everyone of the on board.