Question for the ladies

LegacyUser

Can a man be too 'pretty'? Last week my girfriend broke up with me because she feels that becuase, in her opinion, my looks get me alot of attention from women and I'm bound to cheat sooner or later. I must admit I do enjoy flirting with women but its never crossed my mind to cheat. Never have cheated on a girlfriend yet.

Previous girlfriends have also expressed concern over my looks and also used the word 'pretty'. This infuriates me. 'Pretty' when used in connection with a man is so derogatory. I can take it when it's slagging from the lads I hang around with but when it comes from women I get seriously uptight. I know I dont look feminine but girls regularly say things to me like 'I'd kill for your lips/cheekbones/waist'

At this stage I'm thinking of taking up rugby to maybe rough up the features a bit. Women who say these things to me don't mean to be rude or embarrass me, I know, but my confidence is seriously shaken as far as my looks go. I'd love to be 'handsome' or 'rugged' not 'boyish' or 'pretty'

Shiny

Not a lady here but I understand the girls' logic. While I find 'pretty' girls
attractive to use your term, I would generally have no interest in a long
term relationship with them as it gets very tiring dealing with the likes of:

• Go to toilet in pub, come back to find girlfriend being chatted up
• Guys coming over to chat her up even when you ARE there!
• ^^ Then a mixture of the above in nightclubs etc..... ugh
• Knowing/Assuming that all the lads in her job are after her
• Walking in any street and every second guy ogling her

Etc Etc....

^^So am a wrong to assume that the same happens to you although in fairness
girls are alot more discrete than guys when checking people out.

Surely there are things you can do to change your appearance without
resorting to Rugby, i.e. stubble, rough hairstyle (could compound issue though...).

seenitall

Hi OP,

you really should start thinking more Johnny Depp/Jude Law than Vinnie Jones/Bruce Willis (or whoever the action man flavour of the year is...).

Is Johnny Depp feeling sorry for himself cos he's not a typical "hunk"? Is he ****. He's a good actor, but he also owes a good portion of his career to his pretty, boyish looks appeal. Ask the girls.

Don't be going into any sports solely in order to roughen up your looks, it's a terrible idea because you won't enjoy yourself doing something you are not interested in doing, plus you will get roughed up in all the wrong ways (meaning you still won't look like Jason Statham, you will just be a pretty boy with lots of cuts and bruises).

Girls who feel threatened by your good looks are too insecure to be the right fit for you, so no loss there. They would be equally as insecure if you looked like a (handsome) rugby player. Aim to be with girls who are secure enough in themselves not to feel threatened by your looks.

Play the hand you are dealt in life, because you don't have much of a choice anyway; you might as well run with it. Life is too short to feel sorry for yourself for looking good (of all things).

Best wishes.

dan_d

It's a bit harsh on you by your girlfriend to be honest, but I know I've heard the phrase "handsome is as handsome does" a lot - ie, a good-looking man will probably cheat because loads of girls will throw themselves at them.

Awful generalisation I know. Anyway, I'm not sure I have much advise for you other than to give any future girlfriends absolutely no reason to worry about you by not cheating and not encouraging the flirting. That's all!

LegacyUser

Actually Shiny, ur not a million miles off the mark. Girlfriends in the past have expressed concern about women I work with or if I go out with the lads without them. Women can be more discreet but when drink is in some can be majorly forward. I once had a woman ask my girlfriend point blank why I was with her. This needless to say soured things pretty quickly.

I'm generally more attracted to girls who aren't bothered with their appearance too much. No fake tans, bleach blonde nonsense. I don't think about my own looks, clothes or appearance too much either. I did try to grow a beard a few times but I ended up getting comments like 'Oh you're a bit scruffy, you need someone to take care of you'

IrishEyes19

Shiny wrote: »

Not a lady here but I understand the girls' logic. While I find 'pretty' girls
attractive to use your term, I would generally have no interest in a long
term relationship with them as it gets very tiring dealing with the likes of:

• Go to toilet in pub, come back to find girlfriend being chatted up
• Guys coming over to chat her up even when you ARE there!
• ^^ Then a mixture of the above in nightclubs etc..... ugh
• Knowing/Assuming that all the lads in her job are after her
• Walking in any street and every second guy ogling her

Etc Etc....

^^So am a wrong to assume that the same happens to you although in fairness
girls are alot more discrete than guys when checking people out.

Surely there are things you can do to change your appearance without
resorting to Rugby, i.e. stubble, rough hairstyle (could compound issue though...).

Well firstly, OP, its not your fault if other girls are checking you out, what are you supposed to do, wear a sign saying, "PLEASE DONT APPROACH ME, MY GF IS INSECURE!!!"

Thats riddiculous, as long as you dont encourage it or act on it. Furthermore dont change your appearance, thats horrendous advice, you are who you are. And its a lame excuse in my opinion for a breakup, I'd say there were other issues other than that, that she wasnt prepared to say.

Distorted

Firstly, "pretty" is a bit of a fashionable term just now used to mean good looking.

If you are getting the "you need someone to look after you" kind of comments, it might be that you look quite young and innocent. Enjoy it while it lasts, because it won't forever! Some people keep their youthful good looks but most people's faces change a bit by the end of their twenties. Though if you have good bone structure, you should keep your good looks.

Female friends of mine do sometimes say things like they'd prefer an ugly man who took care of them to a pretty boy who is vain. It doesn't at all sound like you are vain (quite the opposite). But to actually dump someone for being good looking when you've done nothing but be a good boyfriend is very shallow and calculating and you're simply dodging a bullet. The right person will admire your looks as part of you along with your personality.

Don't ruin your looks by trying to break your nose at rugby or something - don't change yourself to satisfy other people. Getting a really short hair cut and growing a bit of a beard might help though.

If it helps, I've generally found that the very good looking people tend to be among the most well adjusted and hence some of the nicest. And there are a hell of a lot of ugly people that cheat on their partners - could be that they need more reassurance that they are attractive to other people. It is also often the most ugly, obnoxious guys that are the least good looking too - I think they tell themselves this passes for self confidence.

Maybe try meeting girls with a bit more perspective on life - someone with a good job or a talent at something.

Kimia

Have to say, I love pretty boys, and I've never assumed they would cheat, ever. I think that's just a reflection of the girl's insecurity tbh. Don't change yourself for anyone, that's actually really unattractive. Be confident in yourself and proud to have a good looking face, and f*ck the haters!!

LegacyUser

I kind of know where your coming from. I split with my parter over this. It actually got to the point where I couldn't have a night out with female friends because of her suspiciousness!

It is really annoying when people place to much emphasis on looks.

I'd say leave yourself alone and be who your are. You can't really change your face much without a boatload of cash. I mean, look at the state of Micky Rourke now compared to when he was younger. Age will take care of your looks. Be well.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all of your helpful replies. Irisheyes, let me just say that you are 100% right. This was not not the only cause of our breakup. She was over 10 years older than me and at 35 had alot of issues with a previous partner who had cheated on her. I went out of my way to prove I wouldnt do the same. Always complimentary, attentive, etc. We went travelling for two years and I even turned down two exciting job oppurtunities that would have meant us being financially better off but physically distanced. I ended up taking jobs that I hated to keep us together.

The menial job I ended up taking ended up being trouble as my much older female boss chose me to accompany her to a company conference as she jokingly told my girlfriend I would make good 'arm candy'. Needless to say nothing happened but I ended up being interrogated for months on end about the happenings of the trip.

I've actually moved on, fairly quickly, from this latest relationship but am now doubting my ability to hold down a long term relationship with a woman I feel attrated to. I enjoy the company of women in their 30s and 40s as they generally seem more sorted and to be perfectly honest sexy. Women in their 20s seem childish and vain, which I know is a massive generalisation but I'm attracted to older women. What can I say?


Distorted suggested getting a really short haircut and growing a beard? I've tried both but with no results. I look apparantly like a waif with that look so I go back to normal. Medium length hair and shaved.

beks101

You say you don't go for girls who care too much about their appearance. So maybe you don't typically end up with the most conventionally attractive woman in the room...while you seem to be among the most attractive men in most rooms. This isn't a problem in and of itself, but it seems your past girlfriends have something else in common - they are all insecure about this.

In a way it's understandable - you get all this female attention, girls openly hit on you and allude to the fact that you are 'too good-looking' for your girlfriend(s)...it's got to be hard to take.

However - don't try to change yourself. You are who you are and trust me, in years to come you'll look back on this time and see how lucky you were. You just need to find the girl who can 'handle' your looks, for whom you being attractive isn't a problem, but a turn-on and something she can enjoy without getting a chip on her shoulder. You need to find a woman who is secure enough in her own looks that yours don't intimidate her.

LegacyUser

I agree it was a lame excuse and you're right it was only one part of the breakup which had been coming for a long time. My girlfriend at 35 was ten years older than me and had serious issues due to been cheated on in the past. However I went out of my way to assure her I wasnt going to do the same. I was attentive, complimentary, always kept in contact when we weren't together etc.

We went travelling for two years and worked in restaurants together. I turned down two interesting job offers that would have made us much more financially secure but meant we would have been separated. My current boss is female and chose me to take to the company retreat and jokingly told my girlfriend I'd make good 'arm candy'. Of course nothing happened but I was interrogated for months.

I do prefer non conventional women and older women too. I understand this is something of a generalisation but I have found they're cooler and know themselves and their bodies better.

dellas1979

I am really intrigued as to what you look like!!! Is there someone you can liken yourself to?

But you get a wink for saying that about women in their 30s. A lot of ladies on here will appreciate what you wrote.

I guess though just 'cause your ex was 35, doesnt mean she was any wiser about being secure/insecure. Age certainly (sometimes) doesnt make you wiser!

LegacyUser

you also seem to place a lot of emphasis on your looks. and you openly admit to flirting with other women. i think that'd be hard for any woman.

LegacyUser

Hi Dellas1979, I think you're right. Age and maturity don't always go hand in hand, at least in this case. As for what I look like, I don't know. I don't think I look like anyone in particular. I have been told I look like one of those young lads in those pretentious french perfume adds. Which is a bit of a kick in the balls to be honest, lol.

tinkerbell

I think her reason for breaking up with you was really odd to be honest. Why wouldn't she want to be with a guy who looks good? It's usually what attracts you to your partner in the first place. I mean, you wouldn't be with someone who you weren't physically attracted to. Yes, obviously personality is extremely important, but if you aren't attracted to your partner, then how can you expect to keep the relationship going? So there needs to be both a physical AND an emotional attraction in a relationship.

OP, I think your ex girlfriend was really insecure and obviously the jealous type. The right woman would not care if you were so hot that girls were falling all over you because she would know that you would be faithful to her and would come home to her bed and not someone else's.

dellas1979

Well, 2 things stand out here:

1. She didnt trust you (100% sure its baggage from a previous relationship issue) due to her own insecurities

2. You seem very down to earth, personality-wise, but you are very insecure about of your own looks! But noone can understand why. Because to most average joes, you are that male model in the ad. When people look at you, your looks arent matching your personality. Good looking men are associated with being pr0cks (for want of a better word). So, its almost too good to be true for most ladies (a handsome man, women throwing themselves and he saying no) because they dont know any better.

Women, by nature, are fickle creatures, and some (not all) will automatically see the worst case scenario before it even happens. As someone else said earlier, it really is a case of finding a person who can understand that the personality and the looks dont always have to match.

I mean, women/men are always being told to look past the physical stuff (unfortunately, more often than not, this applies more to not so good looking people), and look at the personality of the person. Think this could be applied to your case.

Now get out and givem magnum

LegacyUser

User 666, firstly thank you for your reply. I honestly dont place any importance on 'looks'. I'm not vain, I swear it. I live in my old jeans and don't honestly give a flying f**k about what I look like. The emphasis is coming from outside. Starting to regret even starting this post to be honest. I sound like a prick.

Dellas1979 you seem to have hit the nail on the head. I am very insecure about my looks as it seems to be an immediate red card against me. I'm honest, attentive, intelligent, caring and looking for a lady that won't think I'm some sort of horny child who can't keep his dick on a leash. When I start a relationship it's for real, I'm interested and excited about where it will lead me. I must admit I do enjoy flirting, who doesn't? I can have great conversation with beautiful women and not feel the need the need to cheat. Is flirting suddenly a crime? I think it's just a normal and fun part of male - female interaction.

As for 'magnum' I won't be doing that as I already take enough Zoolander slagging. Might get working on my 'Blue Steel' though.

LegacyUser

ok, maybe i was a little harsh. i dont have the experience of being really good looking

gotta say, still not sure about the flirting. maybe thats jsut me though.

you say you place no importance on looks and yet that is all we know about you. you have managed to paint yourself as both gorgeous but insecure and flirt with all the ladies on this thread

you seem like a nice guy. sometimes things jsut dont work out. hope you find someone to make you happy x

dellas1979

Well then, the fundamental problem is that you care too much what people think of you.

The outside world is not going to change, unfortunately. People will sterotype you regardless.

What you can change is your own attitude to all this, to be happy in your own skin, and pursuing someone who is equally comfortable with your looks and not put you in a sterotype box.

You need to start thinking of yourself in a positive light.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply user666 but its difficult to encompass everything about oneself online. I have a good personality, I think. I'm a nice lad I know that. I can however appear shy on first meeting people. I think this is because the first thing most people have said about me since I was a child is usually something along the lines of 'You're beautiful' or if its a lad 'Prettyboy'. Rather than become a 'prick', in your words, I think I became introverted and avoided the attention. I turned down offers of work as a model on two occasions because of this. Sort of 'Leave me alone, I'm just one of the lads' I am taking steps to correct this and trying to be more confident, which I think I'm managing very well. Not getting overly embarrassed when people compliment me. Thanking them and changing the subject asap.

I also wasn't aware I was flirting with all of the ladies on the thread. To me it's just banter and fun. If men and women can't enjoy have fun with eachother life is pretty grim. You're not looking for a date are you user666? I'm single at the minute lol

dellas1979

user666 wrote: »

you say you place no importance on looks and yet that is all we know about you. you have managed to paint yourself as both gorgeous but insecure and flirt with all the ladies on this thread

Ah, 666 (!), you divil. Maybe you could learn something?

Looks are not everything. They do fade. Looks initially attract, but personality and confidence (and a bit of craic) is so much more important. Sounds like this guy has a genuine, natural charisma about him. Aint nothing wrong with that at all. Need more like that to be honest...

LegacyUser

I would counter dellas 1979 that us men need many more confident, sexy women in their 30s and 40s to have fun with. Maybe a national drive to promote this would help? Might I suggest you head such an initiative? Get back to me :-)

Ickle Magoo

As you already have a thread regarding your relationship break up here and this thread has turned into general chit chat, I'm locking this thread.