Boyfriend has going out issues

LegacyUser

Just trying to get peoples opinions on a situation I'm in basically to see if I'm over reacting by being bothered by this.

I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half and I love him and most of the time we get on great but the same issues keep arrising.
I'm 19 and he is a few years older and has huge issues with me going on nights out with my friends if he's no there.He works till late most days during the week and dosent enjoy nightclubs and he and my friends dont really see eye to eye so if I was going out It'd be on a girls night or on a night with his friends.

I've been on less than 10 girls nights since I got with him and when I do go on them he gets very very very suspicious even though I have never cheated.For example I recently was out and he asked if I was dancing with any lads and I said no but that one or two of my friends were he told me to go home as I'm not to dance in a group with lads or even talk to them without him really.All my friends are single so on nights out they do mingle with lads so I think its a bit unfair to ask me not to have any contact with them.

I do love this guy and apart from this we dont have any real relationship problems and he makes me happy and is the perfect boyfriend.There is a huge double standard aswell I have no issue with him going out at all even though he dosent too often but still more than me and he's been at house parties and stuff and I'm not allowed go on college nights out and havent been on a single one and im coming to the end of first year.

I don't think I have done anything to cause him to be so paranoid apart from the one time I flirted with a lad from school at my graduation last may but I didn't acctually do anything and I told him straight away.He says its because he's been hurt in the past but I dont know I thought this would ease up after a while but it dosent seem to be.

I dont want to break up with him because apart from this we are great but it's somethign that is bothering me and talking to him dosent help.He says that itd mean choosing between my friends and him.

sorry for the long rambling post I'm just not sure what to do.

IrishEyes19

What you do is dump him, if this controlling behaviour doesnt change immediately. theres no compromising on this situation in my opinion or coming to some agreement, you are 19 years old and are supposed to be going out with your college friends and enjoying yourself and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. at your age, the most serious you should be getting with a boyfriend is seeing him one or two nights a week and so on, not having him tell you how to live your life. Not a good sign, of course you can sit him down and tell him this, but if it doesnt change, get out there fast before your best years are gone and you lose your friends.

cafecolour

Run, get out of this relationship. He's a jealous control-freak - possibly dating a younger girl because he can more easily dominate and control you. He's going to get worse as the relationship progresses, and try and increasingly isolate you from your friends, until he is your whole world.

John Mason

OP been there and have the t-shirt.

you need to run away very fast and never look back. this guy is controlling your life and will not be happy until you have no friends left and sit in every night waiting for him to come home.

you will be sitting at home and he will be out with his friends because this is acceptable in his head.

before you know it he will be checking your mobile phone bill for numbers he doesnt recognise, the same with your emails.

AND he will be one to cheat because you are completely reliant on him and he feels like he cant breath and he has no freedom.

this is NOT acceptable behaviour, YOU have every right to out with your friends whenever you want.

seriously, you are only young, these are the years you should be out enjoying yourself not being told you are not allowed out dancing.

RUN VERY VERY FAST

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

I am a friend

Bitblue wrote: »

I'm not allowed

You are not allowed.....??? Hon, you are 19 - do not put up with this controlling bully any longer. How dare he - I am annoyed on your behalf. You should be enjoying life and not pandering to his insecure demands. This is appalling.

Why dont your friends like him?

Acoshla

Op like others have said you have to get out of this, he will only get worse. Myself and my friend both went out with guys like this, I realised after a couple of months that this was a disaster, my friend took years to cop it. During that time he made such a big deal about her going out with friends and talking to guys (gasp) that she eventually stopped going out without him (even though he was perfectly entitled to go out without her) and alienated a lot of her friends.

The fact that you said your friends and him don't see eye to eye would ring alarm bells for me, I bet if you asked them why they don't like him it's because they can see what he's doing, and he doesn't like them because they are a "bad influence" and he will eventually start telling you not to see them at all.

JimmyCrackCorn

If he doesn't like nightclubs that's fair enough an occasional effort is nice.

Telling you what you can and cant do and isolating you from your friends, hell no, it may have been acceptable in your grandparents time but not now.

Run, everything is fine while he is getting his own way

IrishEyes19

And also, you're only 19 as everyone has said here, and this isnt in anyway meant to sound as if you arent able to deal with it, but when you go out with someone who is older, it is soooooo easy to get attached, its exciting to be with someone who seems settled and mature, and that bit more independent, but whether or not your bf realises his actions, he is treating your relationship as if you have been together for years, as if you are 30 not 19, on that note, even if you were 30, how you spend your time with your friends is your choice not his.

Having said that, dont beat yourself up about it, you're 19 and nearly everyone at that age goes out with someone like this, but its important that you end it now before you get in way too deep. I know you feel you love him and in a way you probably do, but its not true love. Love is about being non selfish, and he is being selfish by ruining the best years of your life, this is the stage where you do go out, where you go clubbing, and nights out with the girls, meet other people, not stay at home to keep your OH happy. I really hope you take the good advice here and leave him, clearly even by writing this, you know something isn't right and I dont think he will change, of course he might, but they usually don't op. Wish you all the best.

cafecolour

cafecolour wrote: »

Run, get out of this relationship. He's a jealous control-freak - possibly dating a younger girl because he can more easily dominate and control you. He's going to get worse as the relationship progresses, and try and increasingly isolate you from your friends, until he is your whole world.

And ne'er a truer word was spoken.

OP, you say that your relationship is fine other than this so you don't want to break up. This isn't a side note to your relationship, like he picks his nose or doesn't clean up enough. This is the way he treats you. This is an integral part of your relationship. And it will escalate. There are a lot of guys like this, it's a pretty predictable situation, and the predictions aren't good.

LegacyUser

Am I the only one who noticed that she said she flirted with a lad last summer???
You can't blame him for not trusting you...

baby and crumble

Flirting is not cheating, in many people's eyes. Even if it was, he still has no right to demand he do what he tells her.

This isn't about trust or not, it's about treating a person like a human being, with respect. This isn't happening here. this guy is using his greater life experience to get a young woman to do what he wants. This happens more often than anyone ever wants to admit, and it never, ever ends well.

Acoshla

Abba123 wrote: »

Am I the only one who noticed that she said she flirted with a lad last summer???
You can't blame him for not trusting you...

She's 19 and harmlessly flirted with ONE guy a year ago, that is not grounds for treating her the way he does. A normal rational thinking person in an adult relationship knows what harmless flirting is and trusts that it is just that, without setting strict rules for their partner.

ElleEm

Abba123 wrote: »

Am I the only one who noticed that she said she flirted with a lad last summer???
You can't blame him for not trusting you...

I really hope this is sarcastic. Flirted with someone last year? I'm in a very serious, longterm relationship and my partner and I are both flirts. Flirting can be fun, and DOESN'T mean that someone is capable of cheating. OP, you have gotten some really good advice here. Your boyfriend is controlling you, and as time goes by, he is only likely to become more controlling.

AnonoBoy

Life's way too short to have a boyfriend or girlfriend tell you what you can't and cannot do.

LegacyUser

Spadina wrote: »

She's 19 and harmlessly flirted with ONE guy a year ago, that is not grounds for treating her the way he does. A normal rational thinking person in an adult relationship knows what harmless flirting is and trusts that it is just that, without setting strict rules for their partner.

Well... when you're in an adult relationship and when you claim loving your boyfriend, you don't flirt with other people.
Flirting is never harmless.

Neyite

OP, I have been where you are, what your boyfriend is displaying is the classic signs of control and dominance. Most people think of domestic abuse as a black eye stereotype, but emotional manipulation is the cornerstone of these dysfunctional relationships, and you are being emotionally manipulated and controlled. People like this do not change. Below is a general checklist of warning signs – of course you wont identify with every last one, but even if you identify with a few of them, then you really need to rethink your relationship.

wrote:

Are you with someone who…
Is jealous and possessive toward you, won’t let you have friends, checks up on you, won´t accept breaking up?
Tries to control you by being very bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions; doesn’t take your opinion seriously?
Is scary? You worry about how they will react to things you say or do? Threatens you, uses or owns weapons?
Is violent: has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, brags about mistreating others?
Pressures you for sex, is forceful or scary around sex? Thinks of you as a sex object? Attempts to manipulate or guilt-trip you by saying “If you really loved me you would…..”
Gets too serious about the relationship too fast?
Abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them?
Blames you when they mistreat you? Says you provoked them, pressed their buttons, made them do it, led them on?
Has a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for all the problems?
Believes that men should be in control and powerful and that women should be passive and submissive?
Has hit, pushed, choked, restrained, kicked, or physically abused you?
Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you they were worried for your safety?
If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, has threatened to ‘out’ you to family, friends, or coworkers if you don’t comply with certain demands?
If you are an immigrant, has threatened or tried to turn you in to authorities and get you deported?

This is a more detailed version.

wrote:

Warning Signs of An Abusive Relationship

Sometimes in the early stages of a new relationship it is hard to be vigilant in looking for signs that your new boyfriend or girlfriend might be emotionally abusive. No abuser is going to come right out and tell you that they are an unhealthy catch so it is your duty to keep an eye peeled for red flags of possible emotional abuse.


Jealousy

While some jealousy may be normal, emotional abusers are abnormally jealous. Abusers may be jealous of your friends, your family. Abusers may even be jealous of your pets, your children, and previous relationships.


Control

An abuser will try to separate you from your friends and family. Abusers may complain to you about your friends or criticize your family. If your current romantic love interest asks you to cut off friends or other relationships, beware.


Hot Temper

Emotional abusers tend to be hot tempered and can be explosive in their anger. Think about it. Is this really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?


Perpetual Victim

The emotional abuser cannot accept responsibility for their own behavior or actions. As a result, the abuser blames others and places themselves in a constant state of victim-hood. While you may be tempted to feel sorry for these poor, neglected souls, look again. Eventually, the emotional abuser will blame you for everything.


Walking on Eggshells

People in abusive relationships often talk about how careful they are to not provoke their abuser in anyway. This feeling of constant emotional vigilance is known as walking on eggshells, and it is a classic sign of an abusive relationship.


Family & Friend Warnings

Family and friends may warn you about the emotional abuser. To those on the outside it is frequently obvious that you may be involved with someone who does not have your best interests at heart. Listen to the feedback of family and friends, it could save your life.


Makeup Sex or Abusive Sex

The emotional abuser likes to trap you in a cycle of fighting resolved by makeup sex. While some may find this sexy, it is an unhealthy repetition of bad behavior that should not be tolerated. The emotional abuser may also bully or demand sex from you. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you are like some sex doll always available for action. No means no, even in a marriage or committed relationship.


Constant Criticism

The emotional abuser systematically breaks down your self-esteem by criticizing everything you do, from how you dress, wear your hair, or even mundane things such as cutting vegetables. Slowly, the emotional abuser breaks down your self esteem by placing a negative and critical voice in your head.


Boundary Violation

If you are involved with an emotional abuser, they will violate your boundaries whenever possible. This might include reading your private journal, looking at your internet history, or perusing your cell phone records. You are entitled to privacy in any relationship.

The best thing you can do for yourself is read up on emotional abuse – there is a lot of online websites you can get by googling – that’s where I got those two. Don’t wait until he hits you.

Chinafoot

abba123 wrote: »

Well... when you're in an adult relationship and when you claim loving your boyfriend, you don't flirt with other people.
Flirting is never harmless.

If that is how you choose to conduct your relationships then fair enough. However, you will probably find that many, many people would view such an approach as irrational, overreactive and unreasonable. Flirting is not cheating and it most certainly doesn't mean the person flirting doesn't love their partner. The OP didn't cheat on her partner. Do you honestly think that her flirting with someone once, a year ago, justifies this man's behaviour? Lets have a little run down of whats going on here...

- He doesn't get on with her friends.
- He doesn't allow her to attend college nights out.
- He checks up on her when she is out with friends.
- He tells her to go home if other men are present as she is not allowed talk to them without him being there.
- Attempts at talking about the situation result in a threat of an ultimatum - "Its me or your friends."

Now abba123 are you honestly telling us here that this kind of behaviour is reasonable due to her flirting with someone a year ago? Do you think people in "adult relationships" forbid their partners from attending college social nights? Do you think people in "adult relationships" make people decide between them and their partners friends? Newsflash, they don't. Controlling, abusive, manipulative people in relationships, they sure do.

OP, run. Seriously. You have so many red flags there and you will regret it for so many years if you stay in this relationship. Don't look back in a few years wondering why you have no friends and only this abusive man dictating how you live your life. That isn't love.

Stu

Hang on a sec, a lot of over the top comments here telling the OP to RUN.

A lot of posters seem to overlook the fact that this is an isolated issue, i.e the rest of the relationship is good so there is something possibly worth saving if you have a mature attitude to whats going on.

Firstly, you need to sit down with your Boyfriend and have a proper chat about what exactly it is that makes him want to stop you going out. Don't beat around the bush with him on this. He has some jealousy issues and appears to be paranoid that you will meet another man when your out and run off with him.

He has some serious issues to address but if you help him to see things from your perspective and get to the root cause of the problem and he is willing to admit that he needs help, then there might be a future.

If he flat out refuses to see things from your point of view and is unwilling to get whatever help is needed then thats when you "Run". He may need to see a counsellor. He might have been cheated on in the past, i don't know, but if hes willing to meet you half way on this then it could work itself out and you'll be stronger as a couple in the future.

If everyone threw in the towel as soon as a relationship hit a stumbling block then what's the point in getting into a relationship to begin with. You'll know how serious he is about saving the relationship when you tell him bluntly that he needs to get his head together but tell him that your willing to help him work through his issues and support him if he admits that he has a problem.

But, if he tries to turn the tables and make you feel bad for bringing it up then unfortunately or probably fortunately for you, its time to call it a day but at least if you try to nip it in the bud and it doesn't work you can at least console yourself with the fact that you tried. Good luck.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Chinafoot

Stu wrote: »

Hang on a sec, a lot of over the top comments here telling the OP to RUN.

A lot of posters seem to overlook the fact that this is an isolated issue, i.e the rest of the relationship is good so there is something possibly worth saving if you have a mature attitude to whats going on.

An isolated issue? Are you for real? Here we have a 19 year old girl who has missed out on every single college night out because her boyfriend won't allow her to attend. This may be an isolated trait, but it is not something that should be overlooked because the rest of the relationship is good. And lets be honest, the rest of the relationship is good once she is obeying him. This behaviour by him is dictating their entire relationship. Telling her to get out now is not being over the top by any means.

Stu wrote: »

Firstly, you need to sit down with your Boyfriend and have a proper chat about what exactly it is that makes him want to stop you going out. Don't beat around the bush with him on this. He has some jealousy issues and appears to be paranoid that you will meet another man when your out and run off with him.

He has some serious issues to address but if you help him to see things from your perspective and get to the root cause of the problem and he is willing to admit that he needs help, then there might be a future.

If he flat out refuses to see things from your point of view and is unwilling to get whatever help is needed then thats when you "Run". He may need to see a counsellor. He might have been cheated on in the past, i don't know, but if hes willing to meet you half way on this then it could work itself out and you'll be stronger as a couple in the future.

Have you ever tried being reasonable with an unreasonable person? Generally it doesn't work. Now I have known jealous men and most know that their jealousy in unreasonable and this you can work with. This guy is a whole different kettle of fish. I have seen this before and if you think the OP can just have a rational and reasonable discussion with a man who tells her to go home when she is on a night out in the company of the opposite sex, then you are wrong. Plain and simple. This will escalate. Did the last part of her post pass you by? You know, the bit where she says talking to him is no good as he says it will come down to her having to choose between him and her friends? This is manipulation 101. Isolate her from her friends and make her entirely dependent on you.

Stu wrote: »

If everyone threw in the towel as soon as a relationship hit a stumbling block then what's the point in getting into a relationship to begin with.

There is a difference between a "stumbling block" and a 19 year old being emotionally abused by her boyfriend. Be under no illusions here Stu, that is whats happening. This girl will probably stay in this relationship and try her best to please him. She'll drop all her friends because she loves him. She'll most likely cut off her family when they try to talk to her about his behaviour, because she loves him. And when she finally wakes up and gets out, she's going to look back on the wasted college years, the wasted years she could have been spending with her friends who tried to warn her. Why do you think this guy doesn't see "eye to eye" with her friends? If this guy was good for the OP her friends would have no issue with him.

Stu wrote: »

You'll know how serious he is about saving the relationship when you tell him bluntly that he needs to get his head together but tell him that your willing to help him work through his issues and support him if he admits that he has a problem.

But, if he tries to turn the tables and make you feel bad for bringing it up then unfortunately or probably fortunately for you, its time to call it a day but at least if you try to nip it in the bud and it doesn't work you can at least console yourself with the fact that you tried. Good luck.

And yet again, you obviously missed her last few lines. She said,

talking to him dosent help.He says that itd mean choosing between my friends and him.

Yes, quite the mature approach eh? I'd suggest both yourself and the OP talk to people who have actually experienced this sort of relationship. What she has described is textbook.

Stu

Fair enough, it does look like the OP might have to call it a day but when she said shes talked to him we don't really know how blunt she has been with him. She needs to give him an ultimatum to get help or shes ending the relationship.

The guy is in a bad place psychologically. Relationship counselling can work if he is prepared to admit that he is way out of line. If it wasn't for the fact that the OP has said that he is good to her in every other way then i would jump on the bandwagon and tell her to pack her bags but if there is a glimmer of hope then why not try counselling.

Its very simple really. He admits he has a problem and endeavours to get help NOW! Not in a months time or when hes ready. He needs to man up and be proactive in saving the relationship. If he doesn't want to know then the OP knows hand on heart that the relationship is over.

Actually, i have tried being reasonable with unreasonable people in the past but i tend to approach these situations in a softly softly way to begin with and if that doesn't work then i have had no problem being very blunt. Not everybody who appears to be unreasonable is a sociopath who can't see the bigger picture. Given the right encouragement but being firm with it is an option for the OP and shouldn't be dismissed out of hand.

IrishEyes19

I dont think the guy needs to see a councilor, I think we make excuses for people far too much, from what the OP says, he goes out and has a good night, but he doesnt let his gf go out. I dont think thats a pyscological problem, I think thats an older bf who is aware that his gf is attractive to other men, and therefore just in case she enjoys going out too much or her single young friends and her have a good time, he keeps a reign on her. Thats not an issue for a therapist, the guy is a control freak who likes to be in charge. Why should a 19 year old have to sit down with her boyfriend and have to go through the ropes of therapy with her OH. If she were 28 and considering marriage, fair enough. God sake, her biggest worries should be college and friends related, not considering counselling with her bf.

Stu

I don't think that the age of the OP should come into whether she wants to try other avenues regarding saving the relationship. You may be correct in the assumption that the OP is wasting her time with this guy but if she loves him and he loves her then there is always a chance that the relationship can be saved.

I just don't think everything is black and white in this particular situation but maybe thats just me. I'm a problem solver and would need to be 100% sure if i was in a similiar situation. The only way the OP can be 100% sure is by getting him to see a councellor and address the underlying issues that drive his behaviour but then maybe i wouldn't have thought that way when i was 19. I suppose, having seen all types of behaviour from people over the years i'm not as quick in my 30's to make snap judgements on people who i don't know on a deep level because i've seen people change who looked like lost causes when they got the help they needed.

When i was younger, anybody who appeared aloof to me i would have considered a bit ignorant and slightly weird but nowadays i would consider the fact that they might be shy or socially awkward. If i got to know someone who had some odd habits when i was younger i would have thought they were weird but nowadays i would think they were just a bit eccentric. All i am saying is that certain types of behaviour are driven by an underlying issue that is never as simple as somebody being completely defective without any hope for changing. In this situation, the OPs fella might just need to speak about his issues with a psychologist or councellor so he can get a handle on it. It might be a long shot but its still a viable option.

IrishEyes19

Stu wrote: »

I don't think that the age of the OP should come into whether she wants to try other avenues regarding saving the relationship. You may be correct in the assumption that the OP is wasting her time with this guy but if she loves him and he loves her then there is always a chance that the relationship can be saved.

I just don't think everything is black and white in this particular situation but maybe thats just me. I'm a problem solver and would need to be 100% sure if i was in a similiar situation. The only way the OP can be 100% sure is by getting him to see a councellor and address the underlying issues that drive his behaviour but then maybe i wouldn't have thought that way when i was 19. I suppose, having seen all types of behaviour from people over the years i'm not as quick in my 30's to make snap judgements on people who i don't know on a deep level because i've seen people change who looked like lost causes when they got the help they needed.

Actually, I think age is essential here. Age is actually essential is most things and its only rational to see that at 19, love is very different to love when you are in your late twenties, dated a bit and have known your partner longer than a few months. Secondly, he's older than her, if you chose to date someone whose only barely legal enough to legally drink and get into clubs, be prepared for the fact that this stage of their life is only beginning.

Obviously the OP's interest in her lifestyle isnt the same as his lifestyle and he is domineering, its not usually a trait that can be fixed as many women will state here who have been in similiar situations. And as I said and I'll say it again, its absurd to expect a 19 year old girl to go through relationship counselling to deal with a controlling boyfriend. You cant expect a 19 year old to be that type of support and Im not being patronising about it, but at 19 I wouldnt have been able to do that, especially if the OP is balancing possibly college and part time work and other commitments she may have. Breakups are all part of life at that age and better off that you hurt for a while, than miss out on her youth because of this person.

@OP, its your decision where to take this, but losing this guy isnt the end of the road either, you are clearly not happy with the situation. At 19, its just the beginning of many relationships, not something you want to hear I know, but very few people meet the love of their life at 19, some do, but not most. Friends are for life if you treat the friendships well, and if it continues that he stops you socialising, you dont want to wake up someday and not have any friends to call because relationships like this destroy friendships. Wishing you the very best.

Stu

OK, newsflash !! Anybody of college years take note.You don't have the emotional or intellectual maturity to help your other half seek the help they need to change their ways. :rolleyes: Wait until you are a bit older with some real life experience before genuinly trying to save a relationship. In the meantime, find a guy who is perfect in everyway and please god he doesn't drop the charade and show any character flaws in the meantime. But if and "WHEN" he does, kick him to the kerb, hes not worth it. The next guy will be perfect, you won't make the same mistake twice .

Stu

If some posters actually read the OPs post, most of it is actually quite positive regarding how she feels about her boyfriend. She does actually go out, usually without him but you'd swear he had her locked in a room 24/7 judging by the responses.

Obviously he needs help but everybody deserves the opportunity to change their ways, especially having invested a year of your life with somebody. OP, if you take the advice offered by the majority on this thread you will always be looking to dump a guy as soon as you see a "red flag" without ever trying to resolve the situation first.

I just think this type of attitude in people is defeatist and somewhat self centered. The "just dump him" brigade (very common on these type of threads) don't like to entertain the idea that your fella might actually be a decent guy overall but is insecure and doesn't know how to deal with this insecurity in a proactive way, hes young as well and is growing and maturing as a person.

It saddens me somewhat just how quick most posters are to dismiss the guy as a control freak who is incapable of thinking about anybody but himself when the OP does have mostly positive things to say about her fella. The blinkers are on and some posters are jumping on the parts of the OPs post that are negative and dismissing the parts out of hand that are positive. Not exactly a balanced and fair assessment of the situation.

Corkblowin

I'm possibly showing my age here but I find the concept of a 19 year old girl having to work at her relationship a bit mystifying. I had to keep reminding myself that she is not in a 20 year relationship ( for gods sake she's not 20 herself!) with 2 kids, a dog & a mortgage.

At that age the only work that should be involved is the usual compromises that every relationship has - eg she attends a match that she's no interest in but he does & he goes with her to the latest rom-com that he can't stand. If it's hard work now, what will it be like when she's 29 or 39 or 49?

I know she loves him, and many couples do hook up that young, but this girl is not getting the opportunity to fully live the life of a 19 year old and I question whether she has had enough life experience to know if this is the one. That's not to say she doesn't know her mind or her heart, but when I look back at my college loves...........yikes!

In short Id ask the op to try to evisage how she wants her life to pan out and decide whether her bf can be part of that, rather than presently where it's suffering to appease her bf's issues. I think she has a right to think of herself first.

ps have no idea how a smiley face ended up at the top of the post - this isn't funny!

Stu

Well there you have it OP. Just dump him and tell him that you don't want him to get help because hes too fooked anyway. That will teach him, job done.

Corkblowin

No Stu.....not allowing your partner to see her friends, issuing ultimatums - its your friends or me - and refusing to talk about it is whats fooked.

OP - what do you think would happen if you actually said to your BF

'right - tonight I'm going out on a college night out with the girls'?

and then followed through no matter what he said.

MissFlitworth

talking to him dosent help.He says that itd mean choosing between my friends and him.

This bit really sticks out for me. Your boyfriend has told you if you push this thing he'll make you choose between him & your friends. That's not an ultimatum anyone should ever give you.

I understand what other posters are saying about trying to work on this with him to help him out but it doesn't seem like he thinks he has any kind of issue. That would be a huge battle you had ahead of you. You're talking about making him see that

• it's him & him alone that has an issue. Your actions don't contribute to it, you're not at fault
• he needs to go to counselling and work on why he is like this
• he needs to stop trying to control you immediately while he's working on his issue

and can you really see him doing that? You're only 19 & time blinks by so quickly, don't find yourself at 21, 25, 28 still in this situation.

Obviously if he admits he has a problem and goes to get help it's a different situation but that doesn't seem like the situation at all here. He thinks this is your problem and he's only being sensible (you're a girl and you can't be left alone with guys or your friends cos god only knows what you'll get up to)

LegacyUser

Stu wrote: »

OK, newsflash !! Anybody of college years take note.You don't have the emotional or intellectual maturity to help your other half seek the help they need to change their ways. :rolleyes: Wait until you are a bit older with some real life experience before genuinly trying to save a relationship. In the meantime, find a guy who is perfect in everyway and please god he doesn't drop the charade and show any character flaws in the meantime. But if and "WHEN" he does, kick him to the kerb, hes not worth it. The next guy will be perfect, you won't make the same mistake twice .

I agree with the other posters. She's too young to be getting such hassle. Heck, I'm older and I wouldn't put up with what her boyfriend does. It's called 'wanting what's best for you'.

You complained about other posters being over the top with their advice. I don't think it was over the top, I think she should get out and start enjoying her life instead of second guessing what her boyfriend thinks.

Your post however is way over the top. You've taken some people's posts and put a different slant on what they've said ie if men aren't perfect they better watch out. That's quite a jump to make, and very childish on your part. Not one poster here has said 'Men must be perfect for women to even consider going out with them'. I get the impression (with the uoted post) that your projecting your own fears which is a pity because the rest of your posts were measured.

Stu

All the OP needs to do is tell him to get help. If you genuinly love somebody you would want them to get the help they need instead of just dumping them, at least thats what i would do but i'm in the minority on this so i guess i've just a bit naieve in thinking that people are capable of change :rolleyes:.

If he doesn't acknowledge that he needs help and is not willing to make an appointment with a councellor early next week then get the hell out of there because at that stage, i would then agree with the majority of other posts. I just don't agree with the quick diagnosis and snap judgements made on this thread by people who don't know your boyfriend on as deep a level as you do.

John Mason

If some posters actually read the OPs post, most of it is actually quite positive regarding how she feels about her boyfriend. She does actually go out, usually without him but you'd swear he had her locked in a room 24/7 judging by the responses.

Stu, i do understand what you are trying to say but you dont really have no understanding of the situation.

yes, she talks positive about her relationship because he probably treats her really well except for not being allowed out (this will escalate trust me). if you read her post you can see he has already started to chip away at her self-confidence. eventually she will think that she cant survive without him.

this is an abusive relationship and it will only start to get worse.

Stu, i was in this type of relationship for 2 years, it took another 3 years to get my life back after he finally released him.

as for helping him, i made my ex go for counselling, apparently, according to him, the counsellor told him it was all my fault for making him feel insecure by wanting to go out without him and working with males .

counselling doesnt work with these type of people, they only hear what they want to hear-reality doesnt come into it.

this girl needs to get out of this relationship now but besides everything else, she is 19 for god sake, she shouldnt need to work at a relationship

MissFlitworth

Stu wrote: »

at least thats what i would do but i'm in the minority on this so i guess i've just a bit naieve in thinking that people are capable of change :rolleyes:.

With all respect you are being a bit naive, yes, people are capable of changing and yes, with counselling, someone like the OPs boyfriend can get help and can come out the other side but firstly they have to know they have a problem, the OPs boyfriend doesn't think he has one (and she has spoken to him about this already so it's not like he has the 'but you never told me it was a problem' excuse, he should already be in counselling if he thought he had an issue). Secondly, counselling isn't a magic pill, you don't go in one day with a problem and come out after a few sessions of it 'fixed', it takes a lot of work for the person who is in counselling and sh1t times for the people around them. If the OP were your 19 year old cousin or sister would you be telling them to hang around in a relationship with someone who tells them what they can and can't do while they worked on getting themself better? After they had already tried to speak to them about the issue and been told that it would be him or your friends? I'd agree with the vast majority of people here and tell her to leave the relationship.

IrishEyes19

Stu wrote: »

OK, newsflash !! Anybody of college years take note.You don't have the emotional or intellectual maturity to help your other half seek the help they need to change their ways. :rolleyes: Wait until you are a bit older with some real life experience before genuinly trying to save a relationship. In the meantime, find a guy who is perfect in everyway and please god he doesn't drop the charade and show any character flaws in the meantime. But if and "WHEN" he does, kick him to the kerb, hes not worth it. The next guy will be perfect, you won't make the same mistake twice .

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

not what I was saying at all, no relationship is perfect, and no person is. Also read my post carefully, Stu, never said a young woman wasnt capable of dealing with it, I said she shouldnt have to deal with couselling at 19 for a relationship in its early stages.

Everyone has character flaws, everyone, but being domineering and controlling is a trait, not a character flaw, character flaws are acceptable and something we all deal with.

Stu

I have first hand experience of a family member changing his ways with the correct intervention so don't patronise me Irishbird. I don't know it all and neither do you. Its not so long ago that i was in my early 20's and i needed a kick up the arse from time to time and theres nothing better than people who have your best interests at heart telling you things straight. At least when somebody close to you points out that you are way out of line, you are much more inclined to take them seriously and genuinely analyse your behaviour and its effects on other people.

Most posters on this thread are basically saying that the guy is a sociopath who is incapable of changing without actually knowing the full extent of the dynamics of the relationship. Thats a short sighted and narrowminded view and is not something i subscribe to when looking at any situation and i find people with this attitude have a very rigid view of the world and are usually closeminded to anything that doesn'rt fit with their way of thinking. I don't agree with most of the advice dished out on this thread and i'm offering pragmatic advice to the OP. She has more than enough advice now with which to make a decision so i wish her well in taking the situation into her own hands and nipping it in the bud one way or the other.

IrishEyes19

Stu wrote: »

I have first hand experience of a family member changing his ways with the correct intervention so don't patronise me Irishbird. I don't know it all and neither do you. Its not so long ago that i was in my early 20's and i needed a kick up the arse from time to time and theres nothing better than people who have your best interests at heart telling you things straight. At least when somebody close to you points out that you are way out of line, you are much more inclined to take them seriously and genuinely analyse your behaviour and its effects on other people.

Most posters on this thread are basically saying that the guy is a sociopath who is incapable of changing without actually knowing the full extent of the dynamics of the relationship. Thats a short sighted and narrowminded view and is not something i subscribe to when looking at any situation and i find people with this attitude have a very rigid view of the world and are usually closeminded to anything that doesn'rt fit with their way of thinking. I don't agree with most of the advice dished out on this thread and i'm offering pragmatic advice to the OP. She has more than enough advice now with which to make a decision so i wish her well in taking the situation into her own hands and nipping it in the bud one way or the other.

Actually no one is denying the man any help if you'd take time to read the other posts. Believe me everyone here is well agreed the guy has a problem, but his gf should not have to deal with it and face it or not, Stu, no at 19 years old, she shouldnt have to deal with it, there it is plain and simple. Fair play to you, you've had first hand experience of this, a lot of people, have, as said here on the boards and its also very draining for the people who have to live with that person too, so no she's 19, losing out on her social life and unhappy. She's well entitled to leave if she wants to, and OP I hope you do whats best for you. Just understand you have no obligation to stay. He hasnt put your best interests at heart, it would be a different story if this was depression or something else, but its not. Mind yourself. As I said, you're young, it isnt the beginning of the end here.

Stu

I have taken the time to read other posts, but they are all saying the same thing. Basically that the guy is beyond repair. The OP hasn't given him an ultimatum. Thats what she needs to do, it doesn't matter whether your 19 or 59, controlling behaviour needs to nipped in the bud in any relationship and because she loves her boyfriend, she has the option of helping him to get to the root cause of the problem.

I'm not sticking up for the guy here, far from it. I just don't believe in snap judgements and a guy as young as he is is capable of changing his ways. It would be a lot harder if he was 10 or 20 years older when his behaviour is more deeply ingrained. Young men often struggle with their sense of self and its a learning process and as we mature, we generally become less selfish and more aware of other peoples needs and feelings.

If the OP doesn't want or need the hassle of dealing with this situation then she can walk away, easier said than done when you love somebody and judging by her post, she wants this to work out. Its patronising to allude to the fact that she very young and is incapable of dealing with this in a proactive way.

Stu

Everyone is entitled to their opinion sunflower but i disagree with you and most other posters on this thread. You can suspect all you want but your just putting your own spin on things without knowing the full dynamics of the relationship and none of the women on this thread have offered any pragmatic advise which i find quite alarming to be honest. Must be a sign of the times. Anyway, i need to see if my girlfriend has tried to unchain herself from the kitchen sink without asking for my permission, actually she can't have, i have the key to the padlock . Over and out.

LegacyUser

Stu wrote: »

I have first hand experience of a family member changing his ways with the correct intervention

And other people have had first hand experience of being in controlling relationships. It is not up to the OP to 'fix' her boyfriend. She has spoken to him about his controlling tendencies. Unfortunately he issued her with an ultimatum 'It's me or your friends'. They are not the words of man who is considering counselling. They are the words of a man who thinks he is right and his girlfriend is wrong, no compromise.

Why should she waste her time with someone who doesn't respect her right to see her friends? Why should she waste her time trying to 'fix' someone when it's obvious he doesn't want to change?

You're also assuming that the other posters haven't had experience of change. I've changed myself over the years. I went out with some lovely men, but if they even hinted there was something wrong with me, I gave them an earful. Nobody else could help me, it was down to me to recognise that I had a toxic view of the world, and it was down to me to change. It's actually quite patronising to the OP's boyfriend that you think he can be 'fixed'.

Oryx

Can I remind everyone to remain helpful to the OP and not get caught up in a discussion with other posters.

Zen65

Bitblue wrote: »

He says its because he's been hurt in the past but I dont know I thought this would ease up after a while but it dosent seem to be.

Op,

Much of what you have said about this man (including how "caring" he appears to be) reads like a textbook description of an early stage relationship with somebody with an abusive, controlling disposition. As Neyite has pointed out in an earlier post, there is potentially a great deal of danger for you, physically and mentally, if you stay in this relationship.

It is true that people with a controlling disposition can learn to change their ways, if they seek help at an early stage. I'm a bit alarmed however that he seems to have already decided that you need to choose between your friends and him. Moreover, you are already starting to transfer the blame for his behaviour to yourself, quoting an apparently minor incident from last year. I suspect (and like everyone else here I'm just trying to read / deduce what's going on from your one-and-only post to this thread) that this man is being very calculating in his selection of partner, and in the escalation of his controlling ways.

I know my post here may seem alarmist and an over-reaction to this one thing he does, but demanding that you not talk to other men without being in his company is a very extreme point of view. It is far more than simple jealousy.

unregistered wrote: »

And other people have had first hand experience of being in controlling relationships. It is not up to the OP to 'fix' her boyfriend. She has spoken to him about his controlling tendencies. Unfortunately he issued her with an ultimatum 'It's me or your friends'. They are not the words of man who is considering counselling. They are the words of a man who thinks he is right and his girlfriend is wrong, no compromise.

I would strongly urge you to leave this man. This is not a relationship of equals. The excuses he offers for his behaviour are simply manipulative. He has no intention of changing, he's just waiting to wear you down so he can exert even more control over you.


Be at peace,

Z

johnr1

Hi OP,
I'm a thirty something yo guy, and have dated several women in the age group 26 to 40. Many have told me stories very similar to yours.
In almost every case, the relationship began when the woman was around 17 to 21, and the guy a few years older.
In every case, it took the woman 5 to 10 years to finally get the courage to leave him, some went back because he convinced them he'd changed, only for the controlling behaviour to begin again.
In many of these cases the women found it hard to commit to a relationship later on when they were at the "right" stage of their lives.
In most cases they regarded themselves as emotionally scarred from the experience.
One of my best female friends, describes herself as having had 7 years of her life "stolen" by one of these guys.
It's common unfortunately, its toxic and may seriously damage you.
Other posters have given very good advice.
Mine : Run, and run fast, then stay away.
Best of luck.

Stu

OP, i want re-iterate a point i made in 1 of my first posts. Its very simple and it puts you in control of the situation. Most of the posters are well meaning but are not in "your" relationship. You need to be smart about this.

You need to give your boyfriend a firm ultimatum to get help if you think there is something worth salvaging. Only you know whether you boyfriend is a genuinely good guy who is a bit misguided or whether he is trying to beat you down to the point where he completely takes control of your mind.

Unlike other posters, i am not going to talk to you like you are a victim who needs to be told the difference between right and wrong. You were smart enough to know that your boyfriends behaviour is not normal which is why you came on here looking for advice.

The problem with some older people is that they think they know best regardless and thats ok but its not going to help you get complete closure on this if you take some of the advice dished out on this thread.

You simply need to put your money where your mouth is and tell him to get help within the next week. This is what i call proactive and mature behaviour. If your boyfriend refuses to acknowledge that he needs help then please get the hell away from him now.

Don't pussyfoot around with him, don't let him turn the tables on you and accuse you of being a nag or being unreasonable. This will tell you all you need to know about what his intentions are. Many women and men just put up with this type of behaviour without realising that they are being controlled to the point of not being able to fight back. You are not 1 of those women thank god. Yes, he might be looking to beat you down and erode your self esteem but you are smarter than that otherwise you wouldn't be on here looking for advice so stay strong and if he is admits that he has a problem and is willing to do whatever it takes to save the relationship then its a start. It all boils down to how much you love this guy and whether he is willing to admit his vulnerabilities and sort himself out. Its a lot to take on at your age admittedly but then i'm not in a position to say how strongly you feel about each other, problems aside.

But he needs to follow through ASAP on this, if he doesn't, get out now and run for the hills but give him the opportunity to prove himself.

Stu

Older people have more baggage and can draw on more bad experiences which makes them inherently biased. I'm putting forward an unbiased view based on the OP's original post and offering pragmatic advise.

You may not agree with my point of view Sunflower put you are probably drawing on your on your own negative experiences with men. I am not using my past experiences with the opposite sex to come to a conclusion that suits my way of thinking. I am offering unbiased advice and coming at things from the viewpoint of somebody who doesn't know either the OP or her boyfriend on a deeper level.

My advise is simple but it's not biased. The reason i am so forthright in my opinion is because there are many threads of a similiar nature where the crowd (women) jump on the bandwagon when a guy appears to be trying take control of the relationship.

Theres no real evaluation of the situation and the women who post on these threads don't offer a solution. Its just the usual, dump him, hes no good. It bugs me thats some women can be so self righteous as if to say that the guy in question is a complete headbanger. What makes you so fantastic that you overlook the positive aspects of the original OP's thread and prefer to dismiss it out of hand.

I'm not so judgemental and prefer to offer solutions whether that means closure on a relationship or a way forward. I usually look at the barrage of abuse that men get on similiar threads and laugh because its so obvious that the women who are replying to these threads have been hurt by men and have tunnel vision and have nothing but the usual advice to offer. "He's a control freak". "Hes mentally unstable" Please, change the record.

There are patronising undertones by a lot of posters. The OP judeging by some posters appears to be too young to see the bigger picture and needs to be told sense. Shes apparently to young to be dealing with this kind of stuff and needs an older head with experience to put her wide.

Shes probably perfectly capable by the way of using her own head to make the right decision but shes not really being given a choice and being told to dump her boyfriend without even properly evaluating the situation. "Shes too young to be dealing with this" my arse. She needs to deal with this in a way where she knows that if she ends it that shes in charge of the situation and has come the the conclusion that her fella is a manipulative guy who needs to be kicked to the kerb. But what if hes just insecure and gets help. If he doesn't think he needs help then fine, get rid of him but the general concensus appears to be that hes already defective and can't be changed in his early 20! when hes still a young man, Please!

Firetrap

You call it baggage. Others would call it real life experience. I'm sure the OP is intelligent enough to evaluate what everyone is saying here and to make up her own mind as to what to do. Perhaps her boyfriend can change his ways and all will be well. It's one valid point of view. Equally though, she needs to know what the other side of the coin is. People are being good enough to put forward their own experiences of what happened to them or their friends because the story is striking a definite chord with them.

One thing the majority of people agree on is is that the boyfriend is the one in the wrong and that his current behaviour towards the OP must be stopped in its tracks. It does sound worryingly like the early stages of a controlling relationship and she needs to be aware of this. Alarm bells ring all over what the OP has written. He's trying to separate her from her friends, he's controlling her social life and more or less telling her who she can and cannot talk to. It's doubtful that he will stop there though. I've a friend who went out with a guy like that and by the time they broke up, he was telling her what to wear, down to the colours, what friends she could see, where she could go etc. Luckily she got out in time but I can understand how if someone stays with a person like this long term, how they can get in on them and wear them down.

Silverfish

Off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please read the charter and abide by it.

If you do not have any constructive advice to offer to the OP, please don't post. Dicussing whether people have the right or even the right gender to reply to a thread is not helpful to the OP.

Thanks.

Stu

I'm not short sighted sunflower, i just see a similiar theme in these threads. The usual "The guy is a bad egg and has to be dumped." Funny though, in the odd thread where the guy is suppossedly being controlled by a women, guys don't jump on the bandwagon and dismiss the the women as a looper who should be dumped. Its actually the women again telling the guy to get rid of her lol !!

Its the jump onbandwagon mentality that bothers me. I don't understand it and if it weren't for the fact that i was offering an alternative and valid viewpoint, the OP would probably think that her boyfriend is the biggest loser ever born and should be put in a straightjacket for his own safety :rolleyes:.

Stu

Firetrap, i agree with you for the most part. But the OP has mentioned a few positives about her fella. They have been dismissed out of hand though. But, yeah offcourse she needs to nip it in the bud but after a year together i'm guessing they get along fairly well for the most part. Its this issue with her going out on her own thats the problem. Its a big problem, mind you, but but if he wants things to work out he will have to adress his issues.

He does need help but hes a young guy who needs to be put wide. Hes not a 40 something man who has been there and done it and still has to be in control of every situation. Its a situation that can be easily nipped on the bud very quickly if the OP she wants that to happen. But i seriously doubt that hes a complete lost cause who will end up going through his whole life manipulating and controlling people to get his way. We live and learn and the OP needs to make a decision the help him to change his ways or dump him but i do not like the whole vibe on this thread that the OPs boyfriend is a lost cause. Its quite frankly a narrowminded and ill judged viewpoint on the situation and dosn;t do the OP any favours.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone op here.

I'd like to say thanks to everyone for their help with this issue looking through everyones replies I'm really grateful for everyones advice.Most people will probably think I'm a bit silly or naive for the choice I've made but we sat down and had a big talk about it and he see's my point of view a lot more and I understand his a bit more aswell.We've seemed to have a new understanding but I've made it clear that if he dosent deal with this issues then I'm gone and I know I will walk.Its only an issue with night outs with alchol really as in cinema trips or girls nights in or college days out aren't an issue.He's admitted its because he is nervous about the nights out and they way all my friends pair up and I see his point of view but I'm not willing to put up with it.

Thanks a lot again everyone,

Bitblue