Giving her lifts everywhere...

LegacyUser

My friend and I are both single parents, she has 2 kids, I have 1. Over the years (6), we have become quite close, helping each other out when times are hard - we are always there for each other and there are times I think I wouldn't have survived the past 4yrs without her.

However, she is always, always late. Or there is always a drama, and I have gotten myself into a bad habit of giving her lifts everywhere.

Today, we agreed to go to the cinema as the kids are a bit young for the parade - I told her I'd pick her up at 1, as the movie was on at 1.30. I arrived at 1 and neither of the kids were dressed and she was just stepping out of the shower. Needless to say, we were late for the cinema (25mins).
I drive and she doesnt so I regularly give her lifts to the supermarket to get our weekly shopping. When I arrive, at a pre-arranged time, she is never, ever ready - or there has been some drama with her sisters and she potters around on the phone for half an hour...

While I'm not in a hurry to get to the shops to do the shopping (and she knows this), if I say I'm heading to the shops at 2, I do like to actually get to the shops around 2.15, not 4pm while I sit around waiting for her. I know some of you are saying I should just leave without her, but if you were in my situation, you'd understand how difficult that is. For the hour, she says 'Right I'll just be 5 more minutes honestly...' about 10 times...

Last week, our kids were due to go to a party from a child in their class (our kids are in the same class) and as I actually pass by her door leaving my estate, I said I'd bring her child to the party and bring her home. I got there at ten to 3, the child was still in the shower and the party was at 3. Both children were of course, half an hour late for the party...

I find that as my child is getting older, being late for every event she's going to is really annoying her. She even asked that I didn't collect my friends daughter last week, knowing in advance that they'd be late...

I know some of you might be thinking 'just don't offer to drop/collect her or her child anywhere', but I actually have to drive past her door going to the shops/parties/wherever so even at times when I haven't arranged to bring her somewhere, she'll see me passing and stop me asking me to wait to bring her..and then leave me waiting fo 20minutes while she gets the kids ready or yabbers on to her sister on the phone...If I don't offer in advance to give her a lift somewhere, she will ring and ask for the lift.

I know I have gotten myself into this situation with her and I'm finding that it's stressing me out more and more. I have gone through periods where I lie about where I'm going just to avoid having to give her a lift, but I'm fed up feeling like I have to lie and duck and dive in and out of my estate to avoid her asking for a life. I work full time, she doesn't work, and I am finding that my weekends are getting caught up ferrying her around when in fact, my weekends with my child are quite precious to me. Without falling out with her, because like I said, she is a good friend to me in other ways, how can I get out of this situation? I hate confrontation of any sort but know I'm getting walked on here and it's really annoying me.

Can I just add that these are very, very regular occurences - not just one-off lifts to the shop or lifts to the odd party - and it's been happening for years but has finally built up to the point where I'm fed up with it. Thanks

miec

Hi Op

I can understand your frustration, in particular with the fact that you work full time and your time is precious. Like you I am a single mum with only my weekends.

You have no choice but to prioritise. That is put you and your daughter first. Unfortunately your friend is one of those people who are always late and I don't think you can change that about her, but what you can do is tell her that you will pick her up at 2pm (for example) and if she is not ready you have to go five minutes later (and stick to it) no fighting, no hassle just hey I am sorry but I have to go now, see you later. And then leave her house, I can assure you she will make sure she is on time the next time and if not, then keep doing the above, at least you know then you will be on time for things. See your friend's lateness is her problem, not yours, but at the moment you are taking on that responsibility, hence the annoyance you feel, so if you do the above then that should help but without the big row.

Shekira

That carry on would really annoy me! I can't understand people being late consistently. Do the kids get to school on time or are they always late? You could try telling her that you'll pick her up an hour before you plan to.....maybe she'll be ready by the time you call.

LegacyUser

it's very simple, let her believe you are sticking to some sort of timetable. You'll have to introduce something, I'd recommend keeping an eye on the tv schedules and let on you're a fan of certain programs and want to be back in time to see them. Or tell her you're going to the shops to purchase today's dinner and need to have it on at X time so need to go now!!! Basically, tell her in advance, tell her to be ready, tell her you won't be coming in to wait for her. She's showing terrible disrespect towards you if she's willing to put a phone call ahead of your time, and will leave you sitting there while on the phone. You are the one to blame because you take it. Next time, simply rattle the car keys and say 'Listen, I see you're busy and I'm in a bit of a hurry!', if she says what's the hurry...tell her you want to be back at 4pm to watch Dr Phil or something

axel rose

Simples, 'listen I'm heading to Aldi at 2pm, call over of you want a lift, otherwise I'll head off without you.'

'So sorry that I missed you, but I waited till 2.05- No I didn't have my phone . Not to worry, I'm getting the specials in Lidl on Thursday- drop in at 4 and we'll go down together..................OH No You were late again...........Too bad.


Put the onus on her to call to you by x time otherwise she literally misses the boat (or car even).

Aishae

i can see itd be hard to implement at first, when you say to her 'i'm headed to the shops at 2 / ill collect X for the part at 3 and please be ready, i really cannot wait' cos when you get there she'll do her usual routine of 'ill just be 5 mins' perhaps you can give her 5 then when not much progress has been made on her being ready 5 mins later say 'ok times up i really have to go' and go. dont argue with her and about how almost ready she says she is cos you know she flaming well isnt. it'll be inconvenient for her but she will get the message very very fast that she cant mess you around anymore.

youre friends, great friends. so you should be able to talk to her. easier said than done i know. but how about this 'i work full time and so time is precious and the girls (or kids) are getting older so i really must get X (daughter) into a routine. so i can no longer put up with lateness. im sorry to say that. but i must insist for my daughters sake - we wont miss out on anything, i understand its more difficult juggling 2 but if you're ready to go at agreed times we can enjoy our time out more. less rushing too.' if you have to you can add (even at a later date if this keeps happening) 'i cant stop to wait for you when im rushing out for something, im sorry. but the word there is rushing' i didnt word it more kindly cos i think everyone has fallen into bad haits here so a bit of tough love might be needed. maybe being firm with leaving 5/10 mins after the arranged time will be enough

LegacyUser

I have done most of what you all suggested over the years, I really have but she doesn't really listen.

It#s not that she puts a phone call ahead of me - there just always seem to be drama going on with her sisters, and her phone never stops ringing so she'll answer it and sit down at the table while she deals with the next drama. At christmas, one of her sisters split up with her boyfriend - we had 2 nights 'in' planned at my house (with a couple of other of my friends) when her sister was to babysit for her. She has met some of my other friends before. I had decided to do a nite where we all brought a 'dish' (one brought starters/one brought the main etc - it was great fun) and she was to bring the desert. We had also agreed to 'dress up' for the laugh, because of the snow all our work parties had been cancelled..

Even in snow, all the girls arrived on time with their dishes.

She arrived with a story about her sister being devastated over the boyfriend and her having to comfort her, an hour late. She was also in jeans and a tracksuit top and had the 'desert' still in the tesco shopping bag, so had to make it in the kitchen...she did ring a few times to say she was late etc

I don't care how she dresses nor do I care about the desert and it was a great night after all...but there's just always SOMETHING with her...when she was late for the xmas night, I so regretted inviting her but she knew I had the girls coming over, and would have seen them arrive and would have known I was having a night with them, and I didn't want to exclude her...

There's a childs party tomorrow again, out in Swords at 1pm. We haven't made arrangements yet, but she'll want a lift. I am tempted to say I will be out all morning in that area and am going straight to the party and won't be able to pick her child up at 12.30, but the child will miss out on the party then as she doesn't know the parents in the class well enough to ask them for a lift...

Luckily (I suppos) I need to bring my daughter to school early so I don't also drop her child to school.

I do want to use tomorrow as a 'test case' though - how do I ensure that I just leave at 12.30, whether she has the child ready or not??? It is possible that the child will be left screaming at the door, still in pj's if I drive off at 12.30 and that's not something I can see myself doing.

unregistered

unregistered wrote: »

I do want to use tomorrow as a 'test case' though - how do I ensure that I just leave at 12.30, whether she has the child ready or not??? It is possible that the child will be left screaming at the door, still in pj's if I drive off at 12.30 and that's not something I can see myself doing.

It's her responsibility, not yours.
Maybe a few incidences of the child screaming and missing a party because the mother was late might spur her into action.
As it is, she knows now no matter how late she is you'll pick up after her.

seamus

I have a brother just like this. Consistently 30-60 minutes late for everything. If you're picking him up at 9, you arrive at 8:55 and he's just out of the shower, "I have to iron a shirt, it'll only take five minutes", but then he goes and has a smoke and a cup of coffee and you don't leave until 9.30.

Dinner plans, table's booked for 8, he arrives at 8.25. It's a running joke in our family. If there's ever something he has to be at a certain time (like a golf tee off or a wedding), the joke is that you'll spot him coming from miles away cos of the smoke coming off his tyres.

Himself and his wife have become much better though since they had a child. Nothing like the prospect of a screaming child to make you stick to schedules

It's a consideration thing. They make up their own schedules and expect you to fall in line with it, when common courtesy dictates that the driver (or the person with the most urgent need) gets to decide the schedule.

miec wrote: »

what you can do is tell her that you will pick her up at 2pm (for example) and if she is not ready you have to go five minutes later (and stick to it) no fighting, no hassle just hey I am sorry but I have to go now, see you later. And then leave her house, I can assure you she will make sure she is on time the next time and if not, then keep doing the above, at least you know then you will be on time for things.

It's a good idea in theory, and something you'll tell yourself that you'll do, but much harder to put into practice when you're there. If you say you're leaving, the pleading starts and "I'll be just five more minutes, hang on, what's your rush", etc and they will make it hard to leave without you looking like the bastard.

You can also risk damaging the friendship if you leave them in the lurch. If you tell them to be at your house for 9pm for a lift and you leave at 9.05 without them, they will bitch and moan and tell you how unreasonable you're being and they simply will not understand your need to stick to a schedule. Because that's not how their world works. Their worlds works in a "We go when I'm ready" way. So driving off and leaving them in the lurch makes you look like the one who's being nasty and unreasonable.

There's not really much you can do about this. You can't change someone else's behaviour. All you can do is account for their shortcomings when deciding what you're doing. So if you have an hour's activity planned with this person, you know it's actually going to take up 90 minutes of your time. So if that doesn't suit, then don't do it.

One big thing which we find works in our family is to simply be late yourself. If you have to leave at 8 to be on time, then tell them you'll pick them up at 7.30. Then arrive at 7.50. If they complain about you being late, you can point out that they're not ready anyway.

Avoid arranging pick up time that aren't on the hour or half hour. In their head, an 8.15 pickup means that 8.30 is fine. An 8.45 pickup is actually 9pm.

If this is something that you really can't stand and you're not prepared to adjust your schedule to account for it, then the only thing you can do is cut her off, and be honest about why you're doing it. Both my Dad and another brother have done this and simply refuse to give or accept lifts from my aforementioned brother because it always ended in a row. And it worked, they arrive at their destination on time and without any rows

Maple

I've a friend like this, it drives me bananas, so over the years we've all learned that we tell her that we'll be arriving/meeting an hour earlier than we actually are. Means we all pretty much arrive on time.

axel rose

Well if there are no consequences for her when shes late, why should she be on time? Personally I would stick to my original suggestion (I would ).

You could make a(n irritating) joke about slagging her. EVERY time you arrange to meet her make an overly big deal about her ALWAYS being late and how it put you out.-let her get her back up. Arrange to pick her up at 11am and turn up at 2pm - do it lots of times.

BTW any 'drama' involving her siblings love life is a load of tripe and excuses- my husband died leaving me with a toddler and I still managed to grasp the fact that my friends and family had obligations other that me!

Big Bag of Chips

I think if you tell her you'll be there at 11, and don't turn up until 2, she still wouldnt be ready! It seems she waits for your arrival as the signal to start getting ready.

Have your excuse.. listen I really have to go, my mam/sister/friend/cousin/aunt/uncle/ said they might drop over later so I need to be back for her ("might" being the important word, so that when they don't drop over, you can say, something else came up!)

She is causing you to be stressed and upset, and is not too bothered by that! But you are putting her feelings above your own, and your daughters. She's not bothered about putting you out, but you're worried about putting her out.....?

Come up with an excuse - leave when you say you will, "because you have to be back for something else"... apologise for leaving, and say "I'm really sorry, but I AM in a rush.." and then just go.

axel rose

Bag of chips, I wouldn't even following up on the 'well Aunt May only said might call over'- I'd be straight up and say-' Jesus woman I was the only way I could get you to get out of the house on time- you have my head wrecked cos you are always late'.

Rubberlegs

Aaaah how bloody irritating:). I've had a couple of similar experiences. One with a (thankfully) ex friend. We walked our kids together to school every morning, I had to pass her house. She'd tell me to hang on she was nearly ready:(. Result being both kids late for school. Can you imagine my annoyance when I heard from another friend that she accused me of holding her up every morning:mad:. This particular woman is extremely manipulative and I admit I was a lot younger and less able to stand up for myself at the time. I look back now and think my God what a twat I was.
Another friend was always spectacularly late for our girls dinner nights in. She could be bringing the main course and we'd be sitting around waiting. Found the cure was to tell her to be there at least an hour and a half before we actually wanted her to be. At least we had some hope that way. That might be an idea OP?? Tell your friend you are going to the shops at 2 when really you want to go at 3 or so?

Unshelved

I HAD a friend like this - and I know how maddening it can be. It got to the stage that I would say that dinner reservations, flights, appointments were an hour earlier than they actually were, just so that she'd arrive on time.

Then she met the guy who is now her husband. She turned up an hour late for a date, and he said that she must have no respect for him whatsoever if she thought it was all right to behave that way, and walked out on her. Her behaviour literally changed overnight. Her friends had spent a lifetime arranging things around her bad behaviour, but it just took one person to stand up to her for it to change.

Maybe you should do what we didn't - calmly point out that it's the height of bad manners to behave in this way, and that it shows a lack of respect to her friends to continue with this behaviour.

black & white

Unshelved wrote: »

I HAD a friend like this - and I know how maddening it can be. It got to the stage that I would say that dinner reservations, flights, appointments were an hour earlier than they actually were, just so that she'd arrive on time.

Then she met the guy who is now her husband. She turned up an hour late for a date, and he said that she must have no respect for him whatsoever if she thought it was all right to behave that way, and walked out on her. Her behaviour literally changed overnight. Her friends had spent a lifetime arranging things around her bad behaviour, but it just took one person to stand up to her for it to change.

Maybe you should do what we didn't - calmly point out that it's the height of bad manners to behave in this way, and that it shows a lack of respect to her friends to continue with this behaviour.

+1

Aishae

i love the idea that the fella stood up to her. you either arrange your time around people like this. or you stand up to them. sadly i know they might take that badly at first esp if theyre so used to being pandered to.

Big Bag of Chips

axel rose wrote: »

I'd be straight up and say-' Jesus woman I was the only way I could get you to get out of the house on time- you have my head wrecked cos you are always late'.

YOU might be straight up, some people can't be, that's why it's handy to have an excuse!

axel rose

True- this could explain why I wouldn't be anyones unpaid chauffeur

deisemum

OP she doesn't respect you.

I used to go out with a group and it was always the same woman that would turn up very late in some sort of dramatic way while the rest of us waited for her.

She soon started turning up on time after one occasion when we decided not to wait and went ahead and ordered our meal without her. We were on our main course when she turned up and more or less ignored her dramatic entrance and didn't give her that attention she was after. She's rarely late now and then only by a few mins.

shellyboo

"I'm leaving at 3pm, call over if you want a lift". Send via text. Leave at 3pm.

And when she cries about how you don't give her lifts anymore or pick her up at home, tell her you don't want to be in her way when she's getting herself and the kids ready, you're only holding them up more, blah blah.

Or, be straight with her and tell her she's being unbelievably rude and you won't be wasting hours of your day waiting around for her anymore.