Is it me?

LegacyUser

Ill make this as short as possible. With my OH about 9 months. We have both met each others family and friends, and we love each other very much. We can only see each other on weekends due to distance, and it has been this way since we met.

Recently, he has stopped putting in the effort that I feel I deserve. He does not make the effort to talk to me, I do all the initiating, but when I initiate, he will happily chat away. If he is busy, I may not hear from him all day and might get a text before he goes to bed. When I ask him will I see him the weekend/what are plans, I get a vague response "im not sure", or "i cant promise anything", which is a big change from a few months ago. If we do make plans, they more often than not are changed last minute. I have tried to be understanding as he lives away from home and has to split his weekends between everyone at home and me, but it is the lack of consideration for my feelings that hurts me. He will say things like "well i spent all last weekend with you", if I ask him why he cant give me an answer on a thursday as to whether I will see him or not. Our sex life is still great, but he has stopped telling me nice things, like how he feels about me, that he misses me etc, which he used to do alot.

However, I have had ongoing issues with depression and insecurity which have reared their ugly head. I overanalyse everything, why is he taking so long to text back, why did he not put "x x x " at the end of a goodnight message, or "i love you". I hate not being able to control what is going on around me, and if I want to do something which he doesnt, it annoys me and I get angry. Like if I ask him last minute can we do something and he is not available, I think "why doesnt he want to spend time with me" and I get angry at him. It seems like every week I am upset because he has let me down, or because he hasnt acknowledged my feelings, and I don't know am I causing him to be so dismissive and complacent in the relationship or is it him causing me to be overly insecure and almost anticipating things will happen before they do because im used to it. I know I can be horrible and mean, and controlling, and I hate not getting my own way, and Im waiting for people to chastise me for it, but I am here for honest opinions and to get help.

Things are not all bad, he is very caring, and he makes me happy, but I feel that sometimes he does not think about me, and that ive begun to come last in his priorities. I dont always expect to be number one, but he seems just put me last and fit me in where he can. I have sat him down and told him im unhappy numerous times and he has tried and things have improved, he says he does not want to end the relationship (as i discussed breaking up) and he still loves me and loves seeing me etc but he has become comfortable in the relationship and my depression has caused a rift too.

Any advice? Straight advice,I appreciate it. Id like to know what I can do to fix this as I love him very much.

Kimia

I think you're pushing too hard OP. It's difficult in a long term relationship but what appears to be happening is that you're becoming increasingly clingy and he's pulling away from you. This will continue until you break up unless you stop right now.

What I suggest you do is say to him that you need to know plans for the weekend by Wednesday evening. That way you have time to plan fun things for yourself to do if you're not meeting up with him. If he bollockses about for the week and doesn't tell you what's going on at the weekend, say you need to know by Wednesday but leave it at that, and do your own thing, EVEN if he calls you Friday night saying he wants to visit. You have to say no - and be firm on this - show him that you have your own life and are not waiting around at the drop of a hat for him.

And while this is all going on - distract yourself. Remember what you did when you weren't going out with him. He's not your reason for living - even though when you're really in love at the beginning it feels like you'll die if you don't see him as much as possible. You really need to assert yourself here - noone wants to go out with a clinger so claw back your independence and live your own life.

Faith

God, I could have written that exact post a year ago. Like, word for word. In my case, I moved home a year into our relationship from the UK, while he'd always lived in Ireland. We were still 2 hours apart, but he had a nice life here for himself while I was starting all over from scratch. I was initially delighted that we could see each other every weekend, but like you, I struggled every week to get a commitment from him that we'd be seeing each other. As time went on, I became increasingly clingy and needy, and that drove him away. We broke up this time last year.

If I could go back and do it all again, I'd change SO much. My advice, from someone who's thought about this in more detail than you can imagine, is PULL BACK. He knows you want to see him, he knows there's a level of desperation in your attempts to pin him down. He has all the power. Don't let him have that, because he will pull away more and you'll cling more tightly. Stop asking him will you see him every weekend. Take up any hobby you can find, and either make more friends or start seeing your current ones more often. Make yourself busy. I know it's incredibly difficult when the only person you want to spend time with is him, but it's not doing you any favours. Next time you part ways, casually say "Sure let me know if you're coming up next weekend". If you haven't heard by Wednesday - and do not chase him, he has to tell you under his own steam - make your own plans. If he announces on Thursday night that he's coming, apologetically say "Oh sorry, I assumed you weren't at this stage. I'm doing XYZ this weekend".

When I was in your position, I made every excuse under the sun. I didn't know my work/college friends well enough to hang out with them. I had to study so I couldn't make other plans for the weekend anyway. All my other friends had moved abroad. And so on. Pulling back might mean that you don't see him for a week or two until he starts to make the effort again, but if his heart is truly in it, he'll come back to you when he's had a bit of space.

Have you ever had a really clingy friend? Someone who's constantly hounding you to do things with them, but you really don't want to? That's a bit like what he's feeling. I know it's the last thing you want to do, but pulling back is your only shot here. You'll know quickly enough where his true feelings lie. He's gotten complacent and lazy - you need to shake him out of that.

Best of luck with this. I remember those feelings all too well. Feel free to send me a PM if you like.

LegacyUser

Wow, I found myself in a very similar situation myself, wasn't quite as exact but very similar indeed.

I can go on my own experiences. Last night I discussed my similar issues with my gf, after a long talk and the two of us in tears on a busy st in town we broke up. Devastated. If your going to talk to your OH about it all, be careful how you do it cause for me, everything just snowballed from a small problem to a massive one, and took us down.

Sibylla

Excellent post Faith.

OP it sounds really difficult, I don't know if I could be with someone who didn't want to see me as much as possible not every day but surely at weekends, I suppose everyone needs a certain amount of space and you need to give him that and see where you can go from there.

Azureus

The advice from Faith and Kimia pretty much sums this situation up imo.

It's something I've noticed in my own relationship. As soon as I feel my boyfriend stops making as much of an effort with me as before, I try to pull back a bit and this way it makes him make an effort with me without having to say it to him/look clingy. I understand how you're feeling an its hard not to think 'why doesn't he want me as much as I want him' but its all about managing the power balance.

It happened with us only this month. I was feeling a little neglected because even though we live together we are always working and our time together was more flaked out in front of the tv then bed, rather than spending proper time together. I suggested we do some things a few times but he always had something planned with the lads etc. So I decided to spend more time with my friends, and act as if I didnt even notice him blowing off my suggestions. Suddenly last weekend was full of 'lets go out to dinner/do a day trip/have a movie night in just the two of us'. Him not being available made me realise how much I missed hanging with him, and he got the same feeling when I was suddenly unavailable for him. Which lead to a really amazing weekend spending time together and appreciating eachother last weekend.

Pulling back like this can result in two things, both of them positive imo. Either the above will happen and he will come running (the more likely one), or you will drift apart. Both reflect the state of the relationship, but take it head on and dont get too bogged down by it-your relationship is one of the most important things in your life no doubt, but try not to let it dictate your life. If he hasnt made plans with you for the weekend by Wednesday/Thursday, make alternative ones (even if its not actually what you would rather do) and soon he will realise that if he wants to spend time with you, he has to let you know. Be booked up, works a treat! And no, its not game playing, its just not being overly available.

LegacyUser

God I'm in a very similar position at the moment.. have been seeing my boyfriend for a year and a half. He can be very hot and cold and sometimes very hesitant about meeting up and stuff and then sometimes very keen. Anyhow had a big talk with him at weekend about future and he said he doesn't know what he wants so I said I needed a bit of time to think.

It's really hard and really hurts but I'm hoping I'm doing the right think by taking a bit of space back. I find myself feeling needy sometimes which isn't good.

smileyscientist

Im in sorta the same situation myself, OP except we've only being seeing each other for a few weeks but everything was going great or so i thought... seen each other every weekend for all of the weekend.. then last week I get a call, out of the blue saying hes not sure if it'll work out, that hes under hugh pressure from work and that he's not sure if his head is in the right place for a realtionship at the minute.
Needless to say I was shocked, I had just seen him that morning and he was perfectly fine! But he seems to have his mind made up... hopefully we may be able to work things out with a chat but its hard to know..
I guess what Im saying is that I didnt get a chance to try and work this out with him, but you are... take heed of Faith's and others advice above and if he doesn't shape up, then he can shape out :rolleyes: He won't be long realising what he's missing once the well run's dry!